First of all, a big thanks to my beta Aly, a.k.a. supershipper and from now on, also known as superbeta =)

I decided to turn this fic into a multi-chapter one. Hope you enjoy it!

Also, of course, I'd love to hear your thoughts, so be kind and leave a review. ;)

Cuddy will tell us more of the story now!



And there I was, taking that man by his hand to his best friend's office. The exact moment I left my office doors, reality came crashing down on me: he would be gone for a long time. I wasn't sure what was going to happen to him, damn, I wasn't even sure he would come back. God, I was losing it. At that exact moment I panicked and thanked God I wouldn't be the one driving him.

I tried my best to hide it all and had I not known he wasn't himself at the time, I'd be panicking even more at the thought of him reading my expressions. He didn't say anything, he didn't even look at me, just walked… like a man on death row. I guess in a way that really was a death sentence to him. And I couldn't do anything, I couldn't save him.

The walk to Wilson's office was longer that day than it had ever been. A part of me wanted it to last forever so I could be holding on to his hand, and another part wanted it to be over soon because watching him suffer was already unbearable to me. And seeing him numb like that was beyond impossible.

As we approached the door to Wilson's office, he let go of my hand and hid it in his pocket. With that, I think he was trying to hide his vulnerability and trying to save at least one bit of autonomy and control, which was about to be taken away from him for a long time.

I took a deep breath and knocked, this was going to be a terribly painful conversation. I had to be the one to initiate it, I owed him that much. Oh, the guilt!

I guess my face gave away what was about to happen there since Wilson immediately got up and came to us, escorting House to his couch. He was the one to break the silence:

"So you talked?"

"He told me… you need to…"

"She knows more than she should which is why she needs to leave."

God, that was too much! The tears were almost falling. I put together all the strength I had left and turned my back on House, giving Wilson a piece of paper with a name, an address, directions and a phone number. I also gave him one of my business cards and told him hesitantly:

"Tell them to call me for his medical records."

Wilson reached for my other hand and squeezed it as if he was trying to tell him I did well, House would be fine and that he would be in good hands.

I simply shook my head and let it escape my lips:

"Don't do this."

And I walked away.

Leaving his office, I had only one thing on my mind: I needed to hide for a minute to get myself together. So I walked, actually I ran, not so fast because I didn't want to get any attention, but as fast as my heels would allow me to do without making too much noise. The tears were falling; I wiped them away when no one was around.

I reached my office, locked the doors, closed the blinds, went behind the desk and just sat on the floor, my back resting on the drawers. Then I let the tears come. It was overwhelming. Grabbing a tissue box from inside one of the drawers, I tried not to let the tears completely ruin my makeup because my day wasn't over yet.

In my head I kept replaying all the details of my conversation with House right there just a few minutes before. What was I thinking? Maybe I said too much. Maybe I made things worse. God, he doesn't even want to see me. It was not like me to say such a thing as "I love you", especially to House. In ordinary circumstances I would never be the one to bring up that desk, and I did. I would never let him that close to me. I can even smell him on me now. And I said lots of things I shouldn't have. Once more, I let House's pain become my pain and it clouded my thinking. Oh, the guilt!

I took a deep breath, shook my head slightly trying to shake those thoughts off, and I accidentally banged my head on the drawer handle. It hurt a little. It had been almost twenty years since the first time I had banged my head against that desk. It left a bump I never forgot as I spent about two weeks being teased for that. House would look at me from across the hall or outside and we would share a look that said much more than words could. It was a look of two people who shared a secret: in that case, the cause of the bump in my head that later on would turn into a bump in my heart. In his heart.

I couldn't help smiling a little. No matter how much hurt there had been in those twenty years, it seemed like the memory of that night was intact. It was good, all pleasure, all us.

That's when the phone rang. I looked at the clock realizing I had been daydreaming for almost an hour. Jesus!

"Dr. Cuddy." I said, trying my best not to sound too nasally, it was in vain.

"Hi, Dr. Cuddy, it's Tammy."

"Hey, sweetie, how's everything?"

"Oh, everything is fine. Rachel has just fallen asleep. Are you okay? You sound…"

"Oh, just allergies, don't worry. Thank God she's sleeping. I need her well rested for later. By the way, I forgot to tell you, I'll be coming home soon to change and pick her up and you can take the rest of the afternoon off, okay?"

"Oh, so she's going to have some more time with her mom today, that's wonderful." Tammy had become a friend, more than a babysitter. She meant well, but every time she said that, my heart ached a little. I knew I wasn't spending as much time with Rachel as I should.

"Yes, two of our doctors here at the hospital are getting married today. Actually, you are more then welcome to come with us if…"

"Thank you, doctor Cuddy, but as much as I would love to because I love weddings and free food, I think I'm going to catch up on some papers for school and leave the two of you to enjoy each other's company." Yep, I knew what she meant.

"I'll be home in an hour, okay? You know that light green dress that Wilson gave her? Make sure it's ironed, I want her to wear it today. I think it should fit her perfectly now."

"Okay. I'm on it."

"Bye, Tammy."

The ride home was an internal war. I was anxious, nervous, concerned, sad, all together in a mix of emotions that was making me drive slower than usual. It's like I didn't want to get home. Too much to feel in too little time. I tried to ease my mind, turned the radio on, looked at my cell phone about seventeen times, sang, danced, cried a little and stopped at all the yellow lights.

I've always been the kind of person that, when some part of my life started falling apart, I started second guessing everything around me. And there I was, driving home, already resenting the time I would spend with my little girl. I was second guessing my value as a mother again. And although every time I saw her, my heart melted. Every time I left her, I felt relieved and guilty.

This would have to wait. Obsession freak Cuddy would have to shut the hell up now.

As I got home, I unlocked the door silently thinking Rachel might still be asleep. I was surprised to find her lying on Tammy's belly on the couch giggling so beautifully at Tammy who was playing peek-a-boo with her. She was perfection! Rachel was a picture of perfection and I was a mess. Sometimes I thought I didn't deserve her.

Being suddenly taken away by how much I had actually missed her, I just took her and gave her a kiss on her tummy. She giggled even more. Her face was a light shade of pink. She looked even cuter.

"I missed you, my little angel."

Then I turned to Tammy.

"I'll just take a quick shower and then you can go, okay?"

"Sure. In the meantime, I'll get Rachel ready."

Ten minutes later I was in my bathrobe, putting my makeup on and sending Tammy home. Rachel was the cutest thing in her light green dress. I was actually beginning to calm down.


I arrived late to the wedding, but just in time to see the bride walking down the aisle. Cameron was so beautiful. I could tell she was truly happy. I have to admit when she told me she and Chase were getting married I didn't put a lot of faith in it. I guess I thought Cameron would end up finding her way out of it. I was wrong. She actually chose to be happy. With all her issues with intimacy and her need to fix someone, she was actually doing something about it. I was happy for her. By the time the ceremony was over, my eyes were wet, for the third time that day. That was when I felt Rachel's little fingers on my face, calling me back to earth and telling me that I too had done something for myself.

She was so small and so perceptive. I just held her really close to me and she started biting on my jaw. Oh, the oral stage. I kind of missed mine.

Thirty seconds later, I took out my phone and called Wilson. I had definitely passed my oral stage. Now it was all about control.