Can you believe that I am less busy in university than I am at my summer job (ha ha ha FOR NOW!) I'm pleased to report that I have about five new oneshots underway, all of them conveniently coming to me today when I should be writing an essay, and also no, this story didn't die. Part of the problem behind this chapter is that I wanted it to come as drabble 25 because it deals with serious themes and really cracks open certain characters that I wanted to explore more before, but as it turns out I wrote this piece one night and haven't written any others to come before because I am what we call, in academia, A Mess- so here it is!

Disclaimer: I don't own anything at all.


xxii: robot

"I know you have no say in this at all," Antwan said. "And that Teresa will do whatever she wants, so I don't need to ask. But I want to marry her."

Wil audibly gasped (what a nerd) and grabbed Antwan. Nico turned the heat down on the stove and waited his turn before hugging Antwan as well.

"I'm happy for you," Nico said. "She's going to say yes."

"Fingers crossed for that," Antwan said.

"No, no," Nico said. "Trust me. As someone who was a flight risk, I know she'll say yes."

"Flight risk he was," Will sighed. "Have you two talked about it?"

"We have," Antwan said. "Yeah, we talked about how we'd like to get married one day. I just… Lux Industries is doing really well, they just sold their first patent to the American Environmental Protection Agency. I'm settling down at work. We had that scare with the hydra that kind of… I don't know, made everything seem more important. The restaurant where we had our first date in New York is closing. I made reservations for their last night. Now is the right time."

Will (fucking nerd) hugged him again.

"Do you have a ring?"

"I got her earrings too," Antwan said.

"Shit, yeah you're going to get a yes," Nico said.


Teresa took a sip of champagne and Catalina stepped back.

"There," Catalina said. "Hair fixed, all better."

"Thank you," Teresa said. She'd been quiet all day, save for occasional laughs. Catalina put down the spare bobby pins in her mind and tugged on Tessa's arm.

"Tessie, you okay?" Catalina asked. Teresa put her flute down and turned around as well. Tessa usually liked to look at least a little terrifying, but today she just looked relaxed. Her gown was sleeveless and the neckline was a sophisticated lace, the skirt was dramatic without being cumbersome. When Lucia had pointed to the dress in the window of a bridal shop, Tessa had insisted that the lace would drive her and her sensory processing disorder nuts. But no. Her hair was pinned back to reveal her earrings of the day- pearls, which Teresa had gathered after marching to the Empire State Building and asking Hermes for something of Mrs. Thompson- Antwan's mother. She looked absolutely lovely, and there were tears in her eyes.

"Hey," Cata said softly, her Big Sister kicking in. "Hey, Tess, what's going on?"

"I… I'm just really happy," she said. "And a little pissed because I told Antwan not to cry on our wedding day and I'm eating my words."

Cata laughed and wrapped her arms around Teresa, to which a Very Pregnant (and teary) Francesca also joined, and Emilia hopped on not long after. The door opened and closed.

"What am I missing?" Lucia asked. Her hair was swept up and she was also wearing the long black bridesmaid dresses.

"We're happy," Emilia said with a smile.

"The boys are doing well," Lucia said. She reached into her cleavage and took out an envelope which she handed to Teresa. "This is from Antwan."

Teresa smiled and took the letter.

"Why are you crying again?" Emilia asked.

"Yes, please, stop that I can't take it anymore," Francesca said.

"I'm just… This is so strange," Teresa said. "This is so normal. Franca, do you remember in high school when that boy told me that I was a cold-hearted bitch who couldn't feel shit? In those exact words?"

"Yes, and Daniel tried to beat him up but Cata stopped him," Franca said.

"I was scared that he was right for a long time. You know, because he's not the only person who said that. But now…"

"But now they're wrong for sure," Lucia said. "You're in love, âbjé. And that boy? He is head over heels. For real."

"It's real, kapatid," Francesca said, kissing Teresa's hair. "And you two will be so happy, it's crazy."

"Absolutely crazy, ma soeur," Emilia said. "It's what I'm looking for; I want to be that happy some day. It's beautiful. And you're pretty hot right now too."

Teresa laughed and pulled Emilia in.

"It is," Teresa said. "I can't believe I'm in love with this boy."


Teresa had fallen asleep listening to music, which provided a convenient cover as she eavesdropped on Antwan, who was laying with his feet on a pillow and his head next to Teresa's belly. She'd gotten so used to his hands quickly grazing by her or settling on the baby -even before there was a bump to feel- that the circles his fingers traced hadn't even disturbed her sleep.

"…so now that that bit of finance is in order, that's good news if you ever want to go to college, which you will if you're as smart as your mom," Antwan was saying. "I hope you have her eyes too, because she has amazing eyes- you'll see. Most people get spooked, but you and I are safe because she loves us. She's really good at loving people, babe. She's going to make such an amazing mom, you won't know what hit you. Right now we're arguing over what colour to paint your room, because it's a really boring white. We were leaning towards this really soft blue -not that we're trying to gender you or anything- but now we're thinking of putting up a bunch of multicoloured polka dot stickers I scouted out at Bed, Bath and Beyond when I was supposed to be exchanging the blender. It'll be like a party on your wall. And that way when you've picked a favourite colour, it'll be easy to repaint for you…"

Teresa smiled and fell back asleep, still listening to his soft rambling about practising lullabies.


"Cool," Antwan said to himself. He waved a baby book. "Did you know that at twenty-two weeks…"

"85% of women no longer experience morning sickness?" Tessa asked. "Yes I do, so please inform your child-"

"No," Antwan said. "By twenty-two weeks babies have developed their sense of motion. That means if you dance, she can feel it."

"Oh," Teresa said. Antwan got up and punched a few buttons on the sound system. Once the music had filled the apartment, he held his hand out to Tessa.

"May I have this dance?" he asked.

Her feet were swollen and she'd dealt with idiots and jerks and pedants all day- when she hadn't been busy throwing up.

"Of course," Teresa said.


The elevator doors closed shut behind her, leaving her alone.

"Hey, you're really messing things up in there," Tessa said, cupping her belly. "You need to knock it off, okay sweetheart? Stop doing somersaults with your umbilical cord. If you could possibly arrange for your placenta not to block your only viable exit, that would be great. And maybe not develop more complications, okay? I don't want you to miss out on meeting your father because he had an aneurysm before you made it out."

The elevator door opened again. A small crowd ushered in, everyone wishing her a nice day.

"How was your appointment, Miss Solace?" Friedrich, from their legal team, asked.

"Wonderful, thank you," Tessa smiled.

"Do you know if it's a boy or girl yet?" he asked.

"I'll let you know once they've developed a concept of gender," Tessa said.


"Hi," Lucia said into the camera. "God, this is a mess… We haven't used Periscope in way too long, I- there you go, that's how you hold that."

"Good thing you have that engineering degree, or else gods know how we'd manage that iPhone," Teresa said.

"Oh, stop," Lucia said. She turned back to the camera. "So as we mentioned elsewhere on the Twittersphere, Tessa and I are in Seoul right now for business. But it turns out that something somewhere went wrong with our schedules, so we don't have to be anywhere until suppertime, which means that we have a day off, which is why we are currently laying in Tessa's bed with breakfast and answering questions from you guys."

"Right," Teresa said. "I think that this is the first time we've had a sister trip since…"

"Forever, maybe?" Lucia said. "I don't know, definitely since Sarina was born."

"True," Teresa said. "So we are suddenly on a sister trip! It's exciting. Someone is going to come get us before that and show us around the city, which is going to be really interesting. I have no idea what we're seeing, if we're going to museums or parks or palaces or what they've planned out for us. I want kimchee at some point, I think is my only request."

"That's reasonable, I think I want that too," Lucia said.

"We saw the demilitarised zone yesterday, but other than that the only thing we have seen of South Korea is traffic and the inside of airports, so I think we're both pretty excited."

"Speaking of excited, exciting things have already happened today," Lucia said reaching over Teresa and grabbing her plate. "Ta-dah! This means nothing to everyone, but here is physical proof that Teresa ate a plate full of eggs this morning which she has not done since the start of her pregnancy."

"That's true, the smell of eggs has been so bad even my husband cannot eat them in the house," Teresa said.

"Cannot," Lucia repeated.

"That's right, physically cannot," Teresa said.

"The laws of nature are like whoa are you sure and gravity will increase on his spoon and everything." Lucia said. "But this morning when we were being lazy and started looking at room service she decided she wanted eggs and apparently, the baby likes eggs now."

"It's not as exciting as she makes it seem, there are plenty of things other than eggs to eat in the world," Teresa said.

"It means the baby's growing!" Lucia said.

"And it hates me less," Teresa said. "Which is good because pretty soon it will have to deal with me in person."

"Oh, stop," Lucia said. "Okay, so on to news that it more exciting to more people, here is why we are in Seoul literally a month before Teresa is no longer allowed to board aircrafts in case she pops…"


Lux Industries

OfficialLuxInc

Happy to report that our Lux family grew! Congratulations to co-founder Teresa, husband, and baby girl. Mother and daughter are well.

11:19 PM April 12th


Lucia Solace (Verified)

luciasol

My sister surprises me every day, but I always knew she would make a wonderful mother. Couldn't be happier.

3:45 PM April 13th


Teresa Solace (Verified)

NotYourTess

Thank you for all the well-wishes, I will be disappearing to enjoy my beautiful family now

4:15 AM April 15th


Teresa woke up and the baby was still on her chest. Ariel hadn't moved in her sleep, she just snoozed comfortably- which was fine by her, since that meant she could sleep too. There was also Antwan's hand, resting on top of the baby. He still looked like a dork when he slept, mouth open, face squashed, long limbs limp and flopped. But his hand on Ariel was solid and protective, and that helped Teresa fall asleep again.

"You should sleep before Ariel wakes up again," Antwan said. "Last night in the hospital, and all."

"And you?" Teresa asked.

"I'll get around to it," Antwan said.

"I can't sleep when she's right there and I could be watching her breathe and sleep and coo," Teresa said.

"If we're going to be up, I have something for you," Antwan said sitting up.

"Did you steal hospital pudding again?" Teresa said. "Antwan, I really appreciate you stealing the one menu item I can stomach, but they will start noticing, I don't care how good you think you are…"

"No, no," Antwan said. "Nothing stolen."

He reached for his coat and nearly toppled out of the hospital bed, making Tessa laugh. He managed to extract a small box from his pocket which he presented to her.

"You got me a daughter," Antwan said. He kissed her forehead. "I know nothing can come close to how awesome that is but…"

"How long have you had these?" Tessa said with a smile.

"Pretty much since you told me you were pregnant," Antwan said.

Teresa looked at him and shook her head, but she was smiling.

"You've been collecting earrings for special events since you were little," Antwan said. "I thought this would make the top ten at least."

"So these are earrings?"

"Do I look like a stupid man who would get you another kind of jewelry?" Antwan said.

"I suppose not," Tessa said. She finally opened the little box to reveal diamond earrings, shaped like delicate daisies. The stone and flower for April.

"They're beautiful," she said.

"You're beautiful."

"No, I am absolutely gross and will continue to be for a few days," Teresa said. "Help me put them on?"


They were standing in the nursery, Tessa holding the sleeping baby.

Antwan had won the polka-dot argument, and she had to admit that the colours popping up all over the white walls and furniture looked really good. The blankets tucked into the crib were an awesome yellow. A little stuffed zebra sent in by Daniel had been elected to stand guard in the nursery, the others were tucked away in a toy chest. Antwan had taken the liberty of spray-painting a rocking chair green, and they'd installed lots and lots of bookshelves behind the rocking chair to accommodate baby shower presents.

They'd driven a nail into the wall over the changing table before she was born, obviously computing that hammers wouldn't be welcome in the apartment once a baby was involved. They just hadn't had a name plate to hang yet because they, well, hadn't picked a name.

Now they had a cool sign, which Cata's fiancé Beth had made out of a piece of driftwood, some grey and white spray paint, and a steady hand.

ARIEL

"I didn't know if you wanted me to put her full name," Beth said standing by the door, Cata's arm wrapped around her so her hand rested on her hip.

"This is beautiful," Antwan said. "Besides, I don't know if you'd have had room to put down Ariel Julieta Thompson up there."

"I would have made it happen," Beth said. "I'm just excited to have nieces and nephews now."


"She is pretty exciting. Is there anything we can do to help while we're in New York?" Nico asked.

"Please cook for us," Antwan said. "I think if I see another egg roll, I'm going to scream."

"And this man's ambrosia tastes like chicken balls," Teresa said. "With the gross red sauce."

"It's not gross," Antwan said. "It's part of the Chinese take-out dining experience."

"Which we can provide an alternative to," Nico said, interjecting in the fight. "I can probably freeze some food for you guys too."

Teresa made a choking sound and her eyes filled up with tears. She put a hand over her mouth and fanned her eyes with the other.

"I am so hormonal right now, I am so sorry," Tessa said.

"Hey," Antwan said. "Hey, hey, hey, come here. It's okay. Sometimes I cry about Papa's lasagna too."

Teresa laughed.

"I'll go feed Ariel, see if that helps," Teresa said. "Thank you, Papa."

"Anytime," Nico said. "You guys have tomatoes, right?"


Teresa crashed down onto the couch, using Antwan's legs as a pillow and yanking his blanket onto herself.

"Tess, it's late love," Antwan said. "Go to bed."

"The baby's going to be awake in three minutes, give or take," Teresa said. "What are we watching?"

"How Harry Met Sally," Antwan said.

"Gross."

"I'm 99.9% sure that the movie I'm seeing tonight is going to be a rip off of this," Antwan said. "I wanted to do my homework before writing my critique."

"Smart man," Teresa said.

"Isn't that a turn on for you?"

"Like I said, Ariel's going to be awake anytime," Teresa said. She flipped onto her back and grinned at him. "Save that card for another time."


"Just because we can't take her trick-or-treating doesn't mean she can't wear a costume on her first Halloween!" Antwan said defensively.

"You're being frivolous," Teresa said.

"No, no- save your adjectives for later, you'll like this," Antwan promised. Teresa held her peace and let her husband drag her across the apartment and into the living room, where Ariel sat in her car seat wearing a black and yellow bumblebee costume.

"Oh my gods," Teresa said. She started laughing as soon as the shock dissipated.

"See?" Antwan said. "See? Isn't that worth it?"

"She's a pretty cute Bumble bee," Teresa said crossing the living room and unbuckling her daughter. "Aren't you? Aren't you?"

She scooped up Ariel against her chest and kissed her curls.

"I think she's pretty cute as a rule," Antwan said. He kissed her hair now. "She gets that from her mother."

"Well its not her father, that's for sure."

"Exsqueaze me?"

Teresa laughed.


"Knock, knock," Antwan said standing in her office door with the car seat in his hand. "Guess who came to visit Mommy at work."

Teresa smiled from her desk, slipped her feet back into her heels and got up.

"My two favourites," she said rounding her desk. "Hi, Bumblebee!"

"Ma Ma," Ariel cooed. Teresa froze in her tracks and looked at the baby as if a UFO had just opened its doors. Antwan grinned at her.

"She's been saying that basically since you left this morning," he said.

Teresa was just about ready to quit her job and barricade herself in the house then.

"You're so good, sweetheart," she said crouching down in front of the baby. "You're such a good girl, you learned how to say Mommy all on your own… Look at you go."

"She's bright," Antwan said. "She gets that from her mother,"

"And she's sweet," Teresa said. "That's all from her Dad."


"Every kid's different," Antwan said. "Do we really need to be concerned?"

"Babies can usually sit up between the ages of four and seven months," Teresa said.

"She's only at eight," Antwan said.

"But she learned to talk really early," Teresa said. "And she uses her hands fine. I'm just worried that this might be a problem. "

"Maybe," Antwan said.

"You don't look convinced."

"I say we give it a bit more time before we make an appointment with Dr Saunders," Antwan said. "Ariel has a regular checkup soon, right?"

"That's true," Teresa said. "Okay, we can wait."


"Auntie Tessa," Sarina said pawing at Teresa's knee.

"What can I do for you, Miss Sarina," Teresa said picking up her niece and hauling her onto her knees.

See, this was why you needed to become a CEO before having kids. You could turn any office into an impromptu daycare center. They always kept blocs and crayons in conference room A, but the train-track carpet was a nice new addition that Ariel was particularly enjoying. As a one year old she was still too little to understand how to move the train on the tracks, but god did that not stop her from having fun. Mina, on the other hand, was deeply asleep in the corner. That's what happened when you didn't mix your genes with a son of Hermes, apparently; your children didn't hate sleep.

"I want a braid," Sarina said.

"Didn't your mother teach you how to say please?"

"No," Sarina lied.

"I can read her mind, remember?" Teresa said. "I know she did."

"Please make a braid, Auntie Tessa," Sarina said.

"I would love to," Teresa said pulling Sarina's hair out of its ponytail.

"Sarina, are you being good to your aunt?" Lucia asked, walking in. Or waddling in, that's what happened when you were extra pregnant.

"Uh-huh," Sarina said.

"Thumb out of your mouth, please," Lucia said gently. "Ariel, look at you go with those trains, honey..."

Lucia reached out and tickled Ariel's belly and Ariel laughed and laughed and laughed. Teresa laughed from her spot.

"Bumble Bee, are you being silly?" Teresa asked.

"Bee Bee," Ariel said.

"She thinks that's her name, doesn't she?" Lucia asked.

"I think so," Teresa said.

"You should have picked a catchier name," Lucia said.

"Ariel's a great name," Teresa said. "And aren't you going to name Baby #3 Leon. What's Leon, Lucia?"

"That's Naveed's idea," Lucia said. "Naveed has a lot of ideas. None of them are final until I push a baby out and decide what kind of mood I'm in."

Teresa laughed, which was why she missed the exact second that Ariel dropped her train, toppled over, and started shaking.


"Hey," Antwan said. "Look at me. Your family went through this with Emilia, and she turned out just fine."

"Emilia didn't have forty-minute-long grand mal seizures as an infant," Teresa said. "And if she would have, we'd have known why. Since when do babies start their epileptic tendencies with forty-minute grand mals?"

"They'll figure it out, Tess," Antwan said taking her hand. Terresa pulled it away and started pacing.

"I wonder if there's something I should have told them…"

"You told them everything that happened," Antwan said. "That's okay. It's okay that you can't explain it, Tess."

"Yeah except it's really not," Teresa said. She chewed on the knuckle of her pinkie nervously.

"Cannibalism won't help," Antwan said pulling her hand from her mouth. "Look, our baby girl is stable now. It was scary, but she's stable now and look at all the doctors around? Hell, one of the best pediatric neurosurgeons in the country is basically on his way here and Ariel doesn't need surgery. If anything, we're overprepared right now."

Teresa smiled a bit, but the knuckle still found its way back to her mouth. When pressed by Antwan, she nodded that everything was alright.

"You told them everything you do know, Teresa," Antwan said.

"I did," Teresa said. "I even told them about how bad her fine motor skills are usually and how she was slow to sit up, but I'm not sure how that helps."

"I'm no neurologist," Antwan said. "So I don't know. But I know they'll figure it out. Ariel will be okay. I mean, she has to be."


Nico was only on coffee cup 2 and was therefore not impressed that the phone was ringing so early. His mood improved when he checked the caller ID.

"Hi Tessie," he said.

"Hi Papa," she said. "I was wondering if we could come stay in Boston for a few days. Ariel, Antwan and me."

"Uh… yeah," Nico said, noticing that she didn't say Ariel, Antwan and I. "Is everything okay?"

"We really want to be in Boston right now," Teresa said. That wasn't an answer.

"Tessa, do you need anything?" Nico asked.

"We're excited to see you and Dad," she said before hanging up.

"Hey Will," Nico shouted through the house. Will made an unhappy sound which meant he'd just been tugged from sleep. Too bad. "Have you heard from the twins recently? Or any of the kids in New York?"

"No," Will said. "Why?"

"Nothing," Nico said. "Tessa and company are coming to stay a few days."

"Grandbaby!" Will said, suddenly wide awake. "I'll go dig up some old toys."


"I can't," Teresa said looking at her phone.

"Yes you can," Antwan said. His hands closed over Tessa's. "Do you want me to do it?"

"This is stupid," Teresa said. "She's my sister. She knows what I know before I do, most of the time. I shouldn't be scared of telling her anything."

"You don't have to be scared," Antwan said. "That's right."

"Please dial for me," Teresa said. Her voice cracked. Antwan took her phone and punched in the passcode and the number. Lucia's contact picture filled the screen and Teresa picked up the phone from him.

"Tess, hi," Lucia said. "How are you feeling? Better? I was thinking about it, maybe Sarina's the one who gave you that cold because she still isn't going to school."

"I'm not sick," Tessa said.

"What? Why weren't you at work?" Lucia said. "What's the matter?"

Tessa closed her eyes and took a deep breath and spit it out all at once: "You and Naveed and the kids need to go get your genetics tested."

"What's wrong?" Lucia asked. Panic started to filter into her tone. "Tessa, you're scaring me."

"Yeah," Tessa said. She felt too breathless to add more. Antwan grabbed her hand and Tessa squeezed. "Umm, Luce, do you remember how… do you remember that seizure that Ariel had?"

There was a pause and Tessa could fill in her sister's how do you think I would forget? But she elected to be nice and simply said "Yes" and then "Tessa, what's wrong?"

"There's this one doctor- an intern, really, a very observant intern who realised how exaggerated Ariel's startle reflex was… And they connected it to the seizure and they tested her and she has Tay-Sachs disease," Teresa said. "And because she has Tay-Sachs her nerve cells are doing to deteriorate and she's going to lose her muscles and her ability to eat and her sight and hearing, and because that will happen she's going to die before she's seven."

Tessa squeezed her eyes shut and clung to Antwan's hand. She might sprain his wrist.

"Teresa…" Lucia breathed.

"Please," Tessa said.

"Where are you?" Lucia asked.

"We're in Boston with Ariel and the dads," Teresa said. The name burned on its way out. Nothing had sounded sweeter when they'd picked it. "I don't want to talk, Luce. Just go make an appointment to make sure Darius and Mina and Sarina are okay. If I carry the gene, you will too."

"Teresa…"

"I know," Teresa said. "Hey, can we talk later?"

"I love you."

"Yeah," Tessa said. "Yeah, me too."

She hung up first and dropped the phone on her old bed.

"That's our life now," Teresa told Antwan. "Our daughter's going to die and we're going to have to tell people so that they know, and we're going to know too, every single day, that our daughter's going to die because there's nothing we can do-"

"Stop," Antwan said. He rubbed his eyes. "Stop, let's… let's talk about this later."

"We've been doing that for a week, hiding out in Boston," Teresa said. "This isn't... This isn't sustainable. Not in the long run, not if we want to start making plans..."

Antwan looked like he was going to be sick. He scratched his head.

"I think Ariel would make a really cute pumpkin this Halloween," he said.

"She would," Teresa said.

"In one of those big orange costumes, with a scary face stitched on the belly and a little green stem on her head," Antwan said. "On a hat, you know?"

"That would be adorable," Tessa agreed. She leaned her head against his shoulder.

"Maybe that could be our life too," Antwan said. "Maybe we can look at… like… what's going to happen in six months. Four months. Tomorrow. You know, instead."

"We could," Tessa said.

"I know it's hard for you because you're this weird belegged encyclopaedia that knows everything-"

"I don't think that's entirely true," Tessa said.

"Don't worry, it is. But if the doctors say that she has… if she has two to four years, we're going to need to make that twenty-four to forty-eight months."

"1460 days," Tessa said.

"Right," Antwan said. He didn't sound sure, but it was the closest thing to a plan they had. And, as somebody who came up with plans for a living, the only one Teresa thought made sense. The only one remotely within their reach.

"I'm going to go rescue Ari from the dads before they change her outfit again," Tessa said. "I think after six of us, they miss playing dress-up."


"Don't lie to me," Teresa said late one night. Nico and Antwan had cooked supper, they were outside with Ariel now. Teresa was drying, Will was washing dishes, and his arms were covered with goosebumps the second she spoke. He'd known this was coming.

"I want to," Will said.

"But don't," Teresa said.

"I'm a neurosurgeon, not a neurologist," Will said.

"Your title doesn't matter, you know things," Teresa said. "You have to fill in the gaps. And if you don't, you know I'll find someone at work. I'll hire someone at work. I'll pester the top neurologist in the country if I have to. How are Ariel's chances with all the experimental treatments going on?"

Will scrubbed at a spot on a pot.

"It's clean," Teresa said. "Look Dad... if I were a patient's parents?"

Will pulled his hands from the water, dried his hands and pulled Tessa into a hug.

"If you were my patient, I would tell you they were slim to none," Will said. "Because you're my daughter and she's my granddaughter, I'm just going to hold you, okay?"

"Okay," Teresa said faintly.


Teresa chewed on her pinkie knuckle and used her other hand to rub circles on Antwan's back. They watched Ariel through the window of the clean room, where they couldn't go in. Extra oxygen was being pumped into Ariel, because of the infection.

"She'll be okay," Antwan said. He sounded exactly like he was lying.

Teresa didn't want to say it, but this was their life now. In and out of hospitals with a baby girl that could become sick or go…

Teresa didn't want to say it either.


Antwan sat at the piano with Ariel on his knees. She laughed when he played songs from her favourite movies, or silly songs like Yankee Doodle, and Teresa smiled from the kitchen where she was doing some paperwork.

"How is she doing?" Lucia asked, taking a sip of her coffee.

"She's doing good," Tessa said. "The occupational therapy is really helping her use her hands at all. Antwan tricks her into her exercises by making her play piano."

"Sneaky," Lucia said. "See, there are certain upsides to children of Hermes."

Teresa nodded and took a sip of coffee. "The doctors think she would be a good candidate for another cord blood transfusion."

"Another?" Lucia said. "It was hell when she had her first one."

"I know, I know," Teresa said.

"I'm telling you because I am your sister that I have you on file as saying 'Lucia Roshanak Solace-Almazan, do not ever let me consider this again'."

"I know," Teresa said. "Trust me, I remember how hard on her it was. But it did help a bit, and it definitely helped the science and the search for a cure and… I just… I don't know. She could also start school in a year."

"She could," Lucia said. "She would like that."

"She could and we've been so lucky with her," Tessa said. "We're so lucky she can walk and babble and she loves to smile… She deserves to go to school."

"She does," Lucia said.

"Everything with Ariel is a game of should I or should I not," Tessa said, linking her hands around her cup of coffee. "She has a cough- should we bring her to the hospital in case it's another respiratory infection, or should we just chance it because she could pick up an infection at the hospital? The doctors say that she could have another transplant that could prolong her life- do we say yes and risk losing her to a complication, or do we send her to school so she can be a little girl?"

Lucia kicked her under the table. They'd developed their complicated footsy-language in long meetings. Tessa smiled.

"I know that this is the one thing we don't have in common, but if you want my opinion, she sounds like a very happy little girl out there."

"Antwan's doing Beauty and the Beast for her," Teresa said. "That's her favourite."


"Dada," Ariel said. "What are we eating?"

"Guess, Pumpkin," Antwan said. "Use your nose."

"Hmmm," Ariel said dramatically. "Nutterbut kwash?"

"I'm sorry, what?" Antwan said.

"Are we eating nutterbut kwash today?" Ariel asked again. Antwan bit his lips and grinned.

"You got me Bumble Bee," he said. "Butternut squash! Come here, I'll lift you up and you can look in our pot…"

He did, and Tessa wrapped her arms around him from behind. In his ear she whispered in Greek, which had become their secret language around Ariel: "How many times a week are you going to make us eat squash so you can hear her say that?"

"As many times as I can," Antwan said. He started chewing his lip. Teresa, having high stakes in the wellbeing and preservation of those lips, had noticed very early on to pick up on his tell.

She kissed his ear again and rested her chin on his shoulder. They had these little moments every now and then where something on TV or something someone said that was totally unrelated suddenly spooked them into being scared for Ariel. They'd gotten good at fishing each other out.

"Group hug!" Ariel called.

That kickstarted Antwan's smile again.


At the end of the night, over half of which Ariel had spent trick-or-treating in Antwan's arms because though she had trouble walking, she didn't want to be in a stroller like her other cousins who were babies, Ariel started picking through her candies and putting them in her cousins' treat bags.

"That was really nice of you," Teresa said giving her a kiss on Ariel's forehead. They both knew that candy couldn't go through a feeding tube, which was why Ariel couldn't hold onto her loot. She was dressed up like a pirate, with an eye patch and a captain's hat and a tin-foil hook for a hand and a stuffed parrot that Antwan had tied to her by re-purposing a child leash.

"I kept pencils," Ariel said.

"That's alright," Teresa said. "Do you think you could use them to draw daddy a picture?"

Ariel nodded and smiled.

"Shh," she said. "It's gonna be a surprise."

"Okay Captain, I won't tell them," Teresa whispered.


"Ariel loves being in school," Miss Daphne said smiling at them from across the desk. "She's doing very well to keep up with all of them. She has some trouble when they're playing outside, just because of the…"

Weakness. Vision problems. Seizures that cut her time in class.

"… general difficulties with mobility," Miss Daphne said. "But she's really sweet. She really loves music hour, and she likes our science experiments. She wants to be a chemist- which is not a word a lot of preschoolers know, mind you."

"She gets that from her mom," Antwan said.

"Her father teaches her piano," Teresa said just as coyly. He squeezed her hand, and Tessa's attention snapped back to the teacher. "What about reading?" Tessa asked. "She really likes stories at home, but we think she might be lazy with us because she wants to make us read, how is her alphabet at school?"

"Oh," Miss Daphne said. "She's doing fine with the alphabet, as far as I can tell…"

"What do you mean as far as you can tell?" Teresa asked.

"Well see, we haven't done much work with her…"

"Why not?" Teresa asked.

"Well, Mrs. Thompson…"

"Solace," Tessa said. Strike One. "Why isn't my daughter learning the alphabet in kindergarten?"

"Well, Mrs. Solace, she… She's really good with singing the song…"

"In which case, you can start teaching her how to sound out letters like all the children do," Teresa said. "Look, you can't treat Ariel like she's a death row inmate. Nobody knows how much time she has. She might live twenty years if science catches up. If every teacher doesn't teach Ariel more than the bare minimum to usher her into the next grade or to fill up a rapport, she might be a twelve-year-old or a twenty-year old who can't read. Ariel is very interested in learning, and for every thing she can't do, there's one that she can. I'd like you to work on that with her."

"Of course, Mrs. Thompson."

"Solace," Tessa said.

"Thank you," Antwan said.

He was being nice of course, but Teresa still held her head high. If she was going to always prepare herself and her family for the worst, she also had to prepare for the best. It was only logical.


"Ariel can you hold your head up straight while I braid your hair, pumpkin?" Teresa asked.

"No," Ariel said. Teresa felt like she'd suddenly been drained and filled with ice water.

"Why no, Captain?" Teresa asked.

"It's hard," Ariel said.

"Okay," Teresa finally managed to say. "Okay, that's alright Captain."

"Can you still braid my hair?" Ariel asked.

"Of course," Teresa said. "You're going to look like a princess."

"I think I'm going to be Belle for Halloween," Ariel said.

"That's a good idea," Teresa said. "But I don't have to call you Belle until you put the costume on. You're my Captain until then, okay?"

The second she had Ariel set up and ready to go to school -Gods, did she ever notice the weakness in Ariel's neck then- she texted Antwan make an appointment with Dr Bertrand please, because he was so much better at charming the secretary into making room for them.

When Ariel was in school, Teresa rushed to work and locked herself in her office and kicked the shut door.

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

She didn't want that teacher to be right. She wanted Ariel to learn her alphabet and learn to read. That was such a simple wish. How could she be getting worst now?


"Teresa, we'll be okay," Nico said. "Ariel is going to help us take care of her, isn't that right Ari?"

"I will," Ariel said from Will's arms. They were babysitting on Tessa and Antwan's anniversary, because Lucia had staged an intervention about how they simply didn't go out anymore. Teresa hated asking Franca, who had enough kids to worry about as it was, to babysit. She never asked Lucia, because she knew Lucia would say yes in a heartbeat and didn't want to bank on Twin Privileges. But Lucia had been right to assume that asking a doctor and an overly concerned Italian grandfather to babysit would do the trick.

"I know you will Captain, but I need to show Grandpa and Grandad how your hugging machine works," Teresa said.

"I was gon not tell," Ariel said.

"I know you were," Tessa said. The hugging machine was in her room, by a daybed under the window. As far as Nico could tell, it was a small vest attached to a machine by tubes and wires, with a little mask somewhere in the mix as well.

"This machine hugs Ari hard hard hard, which helps the ick in her chest and in her throat leave," Tessa said carefully. "Granddad- there's a paper with how hard the machine needs to hug her and for how long."

"It a long time," Ariel chimed in.

"It's juuust long enough, Belle," Teresa said tickling Ariel's belly and getting a laugh out of her. "Oh -another thing- she's still very ticklish, but you really need to watch out for the feeding tube because it can come out if you push against it too much. She's already eaten, so don't worry about that, if something happens to it just call us-"

"We won't be calling you, we'll be okay with her," Will promised.

"Okay, and her neurologist wants us to call him directly if she has a seizure now because of, umm, a new study going on…" Teresa said. "Just call us if she has a seizure, even if she bounces back without going to the hospital, I'll take care of it."

"Understood," Nico said. "Now go. You'll be late. Antwan will think you stood him up."

"Can we go walk now?" Ariel asked.

"Sweetheart, you and Daddy went for a walk this morning," Teresa said.

"I feel good," Ariel said.

"How about Granddad and Grandpa decide after you play some games," Tessa said.

Eventually they managed to usher her out the door. Ariel was absolutely invested in finger painting, which was an easier alternative to colouring now that she struggled to hold onto things. When she was clean, she was very insistent on going for a walk again. Because she looked happy and because they were indulging grandparents, they went for a walk- bundling her up first. It was hard on Ariel, who stopped frequently to look around before taking more steps. Nico was holding her tightly, expecting her legs to give out under her at any time.

"You sure like your walks, kiddo," Will said.

"Mo and Da like walks," Ariel said. "They are sad when I don't."

Will froze and so did Nico. The little girl froze between them too.

"Come Grandpa," Ariel said. "We need to go pick flowers for Mommy."

And so they did. Ariel told Will exactly how to press the flowers between the pages of some old engineering textbook, one that already seemed full of similar gifts. Bedtime came by quickly after that, with a quick bath and some time on the "hugging machine" and a drink of water, gently given thanks to a syringe in tiny enough portions that they could trickle down Ariel's throat without her swallowing. She loved hearing the old lullabies that Nico and Will were filled with, which resulted in a twenty-minute concert before Ariel finally fell asleep.

"We're such bad grandparents," Nico said closing the door behind them. "Putting her to bed so late, Tessa would kill us."

Will nodded. Nico touched his cheek.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Will said.

"I repeat, what's wrong?"

"Nothing," he said. "Ariel's just… a lot worst off than Tessa had told us. And getting worst a lot quicker."

Nico pulled Will in. Working with sick kids all day had meant that this was precisely his worst nightmare: a sick child of his own that he couldn't fix. There were some weeks, if things were bad at work or if a patient he'd been following since infancy passed away, that Will would panic and see tumors in headaches or appendicitis in stomachaches. Sometimes, he knew just a little bit too much.

"She's such a happy little girl," Nico said. "They're taking care of her so well."

"Yes," Will agreed. "Absolutely. But that won't keep her… It won't work forever."

"Don't talk like that," Nico said. Not because Will was wrong, but because... well, there was no point in stating what they already knew.


"Hey," Antwan said. "How about mummy sings our lullaby, and Daddy and Ariel hum it?"

"That's a really good idea," Tessa encouraged. Ariel smiled and cooed, the main way in which she signaled that something made her happy, or that she was glad to participate even as she lost her ability to talk. It was a crazy contrast to the unpleased faces she made to things she disliked, like the shaking therapy or brushing her teeth.

Now she hummed you are my sunshine along with them. She tried to focus on the melody, not on the unthinkable lyrics: please don't take my sunshine away.


"We're going to move her to the ICU," Dr Alexis said, hugging his clipboard.

"I'm sorry, she had a cough this morning, pneumonia at lunch and now..?" Antwan asked.

"Right," Dr Alexis agreed. "The pneumonia is most likely from aspiring her secretions -by that we mean spit. It's… getting worst rapidly, she needs more help breathing. She'll get that in the ICU."

Tessa held her hand as the doctors wheeled her bed to another floor.

"Ariel, it's mommy," Tessa said. Ariel couldn't turn her head to see her, after all. "We're going to bring you to another room, okay?"

Ariel cooed from underneath her mask and her wires and her tubes, and Tessa's stomach clenched.

"Once we get you settled in, we can read some stories," Teresa promised. "You'll help mommy pick? I know you will."

Tessa heard a few bars of Beauty and the Beast before Ariel started sucking in air again, desperately trying to fill her lungs.


Lux Industries

OfficialLuxInc

Devastated to confirm the passing of Ariel Thompson, age 5. Thank you for your thoughts, please respect our family's privacy.

7:00 PM April 7th


In the end, it was sepsis, a body-wide infection. The doctors spent so much time draining fluid from her chest, to no avail. They did try to resuscitate her once, and Tessa and Antwan were urged out of the room for that part. The second time her heart monitor flew into a frenzy, there was nothing to do but each hold onto a hand. She'd stopped cooing between both flatlines, see. That's what they took turns telling people. Antwan was the one who told the Dads, because Tessa couldn't look at the two men who'd raised her and tell her that she'd lost her own.

Mercifully, they'd arranged most funeral details in advance- years ago, really. It sounded dark and it sounded morbid, but Teresa was glad they had done it in a time of clarity, when they still had a happy girl to come home to and find comfort and smiles and laughs and music in. She was happy to just send emails without thinking too hard about them, about what they meant. It was the comfort and efficiency and productivity of building an Ikea shelf: just following the steps and going through the motions.

When she did start thinking, she started to want to crack her own skull open.

Ariel had been born on April 12th at 9:00 PM, and she had died five days and five hours short of that time at the age of five, five floors down from the floor she'd been born on.

She didn't want to be thinking that, but how could she not? It drove her crazy.


"I love you so much," Lucia said holding Teresa against her chest.

"I love you too," Teresa said mechanically. Her voice sounded rusty whenever she spoke, like a toy that had just been discovered after years and years of abandonment.

Lucia pushed back a piece of Tessa's hair. "You can tell me anything, anytime, anywhere."

Teresa shook her head. "Actually I can't, Lucia. Not this time."

"Tessa…"

"No," Teresa said. "No. We have the same genes, but it was my baby girl who was sick. This was my loss. You can't stop that from being true, and you can't change the fact that you have three healthy, beautiful children."

"Teresa," Lucia said.

"No," Tessa said. "No, and leave me alone for… for a few minutes."

"I'm sorry," Lucia said.

"Don't be," Tessa said. "I'm glad that Sarina and Mina and Darius are healthy, Lucia. I just… give me time."


Teresa still wore her funeral heels and a dress she was going to burn. She leaned against Antwan, her feet dangling from the edge of the sofa.

"This is it," Antwan said.

"Yes," Teresa said. Mechanically. Again. She just made the noises now because she knew it would insult him if she didn't, and this wasn't about her.

She leaned back further, resting her head on Antwan's knees.

"I was going to play a movie, to make some sound," Antwan said.

"Okay," Tessa said. "Good idea."

He reached for the remote and took Tessa's hand once the movie started.

"Weren't you wearing earrings this morning? The little diamond daisy ones?" Antwan asked.

Tessa nodded. "I left them with her."

Antwan turned back to watch the TV.


The alarm on Antwan's phone went off. That meant he hadn't gotten up in four hours, and Tessa hadn't talked in just as long. He crossed the apartment and cracked open their bedroom door to show her the phone. She nodded.

"I was just thinking," Teresa said. "About how I was supposed to speak at MIT in a week, and I haven't called to cancel. Should I?"

"Scientists figure that losing a child has the same toll on the body as a major physical injury," Antwan said. He still hated saying it. Losing a child. That made it sound like you lost one thing, not everything. "If you'd been hit by a car, would you take the time off?"

"Yes," Teresa said.

"So call MIT," Antwan said. "Or make Lucia do it."

"Okay," Teresa said as he came to sit on the bed next to her. "Where did you hear that?"

"I read it," Antwan said. "In one of those grief counselling books Debbie dropped by."

Debbie had also dropped off an exceptionally inedible looking casserole as well as a pile of books over. Teresa doubted her training as a counselor, despite Debbie's claims.

"You read those?" Teresa said.

"Before we put them back in front of her door, I did," Antwan said. "When I don't know what to do I usually ask you, and you usually know these things because you read. I was just going to skip the middleman."

Teresa gave him a strange not-a-smile.


While Antwan who worked from home gingerly poked at his work as the weeks went by for lack of anything else to do, Teresa went back to work after a month because there was nothing else to do. As it turned out, a terminally ill child who needed twenty-four-hour care leave a big hole.

"Good morning, Mrs. Solace," the secretary said sweetly. She smiled at Tessa.

"Good morning, Jess," Tessa said. "Do you have my mail?"

"Mrs. Solace took care of it," she said.

"Thank you," Tessa said. "What's on the agenda today?"

"Mrs. Solace told me to…"

"Thank you Jess, but I don't care what my sister said," Tessa said. "What's on the agenda today?"


"We need to terminate the bank account we had set up for Ariel's college tuition," Antwan said. "The bank called today. What do you want to do with the money in there?"

"Turn it into a scholarship," Teresa blurted. She hadn't thought of it much, but there it was. Antwan cracked a smile.

"At NYU?" he asked.

"For chemists," Teresa said.

"Or musicians?" Antwan asked.

"Only pianists."

"Violinists too, though."

"Or women who want to work in neuroscience or genetics?"

This stopped sounding like a game all of a sudden.


"Good morning, Jessica," Teresa said. "Do you have my mail?"

"Good morning, Mrs. Solace," she said. "Absolutely, here it is."

"Thank you," Teresa said. She took the envelopes and went back upstairs.


"I swear I know you from somewhere," the woman at the nail salon said. Teresa wasn't sure where this was going, but she looked up. Photographic memory and all, she recognised the woman right away. Her name was Amanda, her son was named Carsyn. For Zeus' sake, she'd just wanted to get her nails done and feel a bit more human. This had just been to get her out of the house that weekend.

"I don't think so," Teresa said.

"I could swear I knew those eyes," the woman said. Teresa's stomach would have turned in knots a month ago, but it was numb now.

"Oh, I remember now!" the woman said. "You're Ariel's mom. Our children went to music classes together, when they were three. I'm Carsyn's mom! Carsyn with a C?"

"Oh that's right," Teresa said. She tried to summon the bitchiness she was famous for, the one that came out of her unexpectantly at camp and in meetings and when a cab driver tried to overcharge her. Still, Good Christian Pinterest Mom Amanda ploughed through.

"It's been so long!" Amanda beamed. "Carsyn's just wrapping up first grade! Music classes seem to be ages ago! How's Ariel doing?"

Teresa chewed her lip.

"She's well," Teresa said. "She still likes music."

"Oh that's wonderful," Amanda said. "In a year or so I'm hoping to sign up Carsyn for piano classes. If you like, I know a really good teacher who's used to working with young children if that's something Ariel would like. Let me check my phone, I have the number in there somewhere- that's the teacher Aislynn had…"

"Please don't," Teresa said hurriedly. "I'm sorry, I don't know why I said that. Ariel's dead now, but she did like music, that wasn't a lie. I'm sorry, I really don't want to talk to you right now and I don't have the energy to pretend I do but I don't want to be a bitch because I always am. Can we just be strangers in a nail salon again?"

Amanda looked shaken. The technicians looked just as shocked, though at least their masks hid their faces. Teresa just felt flustered.

So much for feeling human for a day.

"You know what, they're fine like this," Teresa said pulling her hand away and standing up. "Thank you, where do I pay?"


"I want to put things away," Tessa said.

"What?" Antwan asked. He definitely saw Tessa's hand on the door to Ariel's bedroom.

"I want to put things away," Tessa said. "I don't need more reminders that her room is empty, I have enough of those."

"But the door's closed," Antwan said. "Isn't that enough?"

Tessa shook her head. Antwan looked at the door.

"Do you think you could wait?" Antwan said. "Because I can't do that right now."

Tessa took a deep breath, but she shook a bit.

"Okay," she said. "Okay. But can we donate the things we're not using anymore? Like her clothes, so that someone who needs them can dress their children. They're just hanging in her closet right now and it's senseless and so sad."

"Some of them," Antwan said. "Some of them would be okay, so a little girl who needs them gets to look cute too. But not the Halloween costumes. And not the overalls."

"Gods no," Teresa agreed. "Not the overralls."

She pulled him into a hug, and felt herself deflate like a balloon. That was all her energy for today. Luckily, she'd sparked enough out of Antwan to open the door.


"Good morning, Jessica," Teresa said.

"Good morning, Mrs. Solace," she said. "Here is your mail."

"Thank you," Teresa said coolly. She took the envelopes and went back upstairs.


She knew that they'd agreed to leave each other alone, to avoid dragging each other down on bad days- like a drowning man pulling down a woman trying to fish him out, or a drowning woman dragging a floating man to the bottom of the pool. But she heard Antwan cry and stepped into their bedroom.

"Antwan?" she asked. He turned around, saw her, got up and quickly crossed the room to bear hug her. This was the biggest touch Tessa had gotten in days, and her sensory processing disorder screeched in surprise. Still, she wrapped her arms clumsily around him.

"What's wrong?" She asked.

"I'm being stupid," Antwan said in her hair.

"No you're not," Tessa said. "Would you call yourself stupid if you'd been hit by a car?"

Antwan pulled back and picked at his eyes. "It's stupid, really. I just- Debbie dumped those grief books back yesterday and I was reading one and I read the stat about couples getting divorced after the loss of a child and I… Tess, it's so high. So high, Tess. So…"

"Antwan," Tessa said holding him. "Antwan…"

"I'm just so upset, Tess," he said. "I don't know what would happen if I lost you too."

"You won't," she said, putting her hands on her cheek. "Antwan, you won't. You won't."

"I don't know if I'm strong enough to do this, Tess," Antwan said. "To do anything."

"We're not together because we're strong," Tessa said. "We're together because that's how it has to be. I still need you to be here and you need me too so we're okay, truly, we're…"

Antwan kissed her. Their lips were both salty and cracked and gross, but they kissed.


"Good morning," Teresa said. "Mail?"

"Good morning, Mrs. Solace," Jessica said. "Here it is."

She took the envelopes and went back upstairs.


The alarm on Antwan's phone rang. It had been four hours. Time to at least exchange three words.

"We should go on a trip," Antwan said. "That way we get to come home and home is a place where it's just the two of us again. You know?"

"Sure," Teresa said. Maybe this was from a book. "Where should we go?"

"I don't know," Antwan said. "Anywhere. Kenya. Alaska. France. The sky's the limit."

"I'll think about it," Teresa said.


Teresa had a kettle in her office, but she needed to stretch her legs so she walked over to the employee room with her mug to make more tea.

She paused just outside when she heard her name.

"… being a real bitch," Jessica complained.

"Don't know why you're surprised," someone else said. "I hate to break it to you girl, but if her own kid dying can't keep her away from her job for more than a month, she truly is heartless."

Teresa's hands clenched around the mug.

"Don't say that," someone else hushed.

"It's true," the second girl defended. "She took all the family pictures in her office down, did you know? She's like a robot."

Various murmurs poured through the break room. Teresa held her head high and walked in. The conversation quieted. She flicked the switch on the hot water boiler and turned back to the table, leaning on the counter. She recognised all the girls who were sitting there, Jessica and Adele and Bethany and Lori. She wanted to say something witty. She wanted to ask them what they were all talking about in a friendly, chirpy voice. She wanted to tell them that if she was such a bitch, they should probably go work for somebody else and she'd be happy to give them all good recommendations.

Instead she turned back towards the kettle and the mug.

"My daughter loved taking walks, and she did until the very last day that she could use her legs. She would pick flowers for me," Teresa said. "And we would press them, and I would pretend to be surprised every time she gave me a flower. And so I put those flowers in all the picture frames in my office because it's easier to see them and remember her than it is to see her face, which I see just about everywhere else, and which is completely overwhelming."

She turned around, pivoting on the point of her heel.

"Any other questions?"

They all starred at her. One was about to apologize, so Tessa cut her off.

"Then you can leave."


She and Antwan had taken to writing letters and leaving them on each other's bedside tables, to update each other on how they were doing without triggering each other on a 'good day', which were actually just 'better days' or 'bad days' in disguise. It wasn't a foolproof system, and it wasn't easy. But it was easier, and there wasn't much else to ask for at this point.

Tessa stopped writing and reading.


"New Year's Eve is off tonight," Antwan said. Tessa was already dressed. She'd gotten dressed.

"Why?" she asked. Francesca was hosting. Teresa had seen her host a surprise party for Cata with thirty people when she'd been eight months pregnant. Francesca did not cancel events.

"Tomas is sick," Antwan said. Tomas was Franca's oldest, he was seven years old. Just two years older than Ariel and the family's first baby boy. "He… he's in the hospital."

"What?" Tessa said. "What do you mean Tomas is sick? What is he doing in the hospital? Why is my nephew in the hospital?"

"Tessa, calm down," Antwan said. "He has meningitis."

"Meningitis," Tessa repeated. "Meningitis? And now he's in the hospital? Jesus, that's supposed to be eradicated! Anti-vaxxers who don't understand fucking goddamned herd immunity I swear to all the fucking gods, what is my nephew doing with meningitis?"

"Tessa, breathe," Antwan said.

"Do they know if he's going to be okay?" Tessa asked. "How are they treating him, how bad is it, how long has he…"

"Tessa, you need to breathe," Antwan said. "Breathe…"

"Don't touch me!" She virtually screamed.

"Okay I won't, but you need to focus on me and breathe, just…"

The front door opened. Lucia let herself in, Chinese take-out and a bottle of wine in her arms.

"Hello."

She looked over them, processing everything as if it was normal, as if they hadn't been fighting.

"Tomas is recovering in hospital. Dad just called. But I thought you guys might need a distraction," Lucia said. "I have extra egg rolls. We can watch bad historical movies and Antwan can critique the cinematography while we laugh at their anachronisms and bad period clothing."

Tessa breathed.


Will had a conference in New York, and there was no shortage of kids to stay with, but since Tessa offered up their guest room he stayed with her. Her silences seemed heavier and her laughs came few and far between and sounded hollow. Antwan wasn't much better, but it was Tessa that Will had raised and that he knew.

She was sitting on their porch with a book and a glass of wine left over from dinner, and so Will went to sit next to her.

"Do you need anything Dad?" Tessa asked when she saw him.

"No," Will said. He sat with her for a bit overlooking the traffic and lights and colours of New York.

"You know," Will said. "Your papa and I always knew that we were taking in the children of parents who couldn't finish their jobs. At first we felt the pressure of living up to Cata's father, since he passed away trying to bring her to camp... but all of you had different stories. You and Lucia were taken from your father by Athena, Danny was abandoned, Franca was a question mark for the longest time, and Emilia's mother was an addict. We had to learn not to pay attention to that. Not to judge your mothers and fathers and think of their failures and their mistakes, because we didn't know. It was hard with Emilia especially, because we had this really sick baby on our hands, and it could have been prevented. We talked a lot about it, and we decided that the only bad parent was a parent who didn't love their child. True love makes you fight harder than anything else, it makes you see clearly, it makes you put someone else before you time after time, and it makes you support, accept and encourage even the craziest shit your kids can throw at you."

He took Tessa's hand.

"We thought you and Antwan were great parents," Will said. "It doesn't matter how long it lasted."

Tessa's breath caught in her throat. She looked down at the city for a bit.

"I keep… I keep feeling guilty that Antwan and I didn't think of getting our genes checked before we had her," Tessa said. "I'm a bioengineer. I should have known better. But we didn't, and we…. We made her sick."

"I've heard that a million times Tessa. I've heard it over and over at work when kids are diagnosed with genetic issues or birth anomalies, and I'm not saying that to make you feel stupid. But can I be honest with you Tessa, and say something I can't say at work? That's crazy, Tessa. And it's not fair to you because you did everything for that little girl, and it won't bring her back."

"I know," Tessa said. "Nothing will. But it's not the rational part of my brain that thinks anymore."

"Right," Will said. He pulled her closer. "Right."


Just because Tessa wasn't writing letters to Antwan anymore didn't mean she didn't read his.

Tess,

Lucia told me that a while back she found you in the break room at work and you were so angry you were shaking, because of some things your secretary and stuff were saying. Don't be mad at your sister for that. In her defense, I spent a lot of time wearing her down, and she's never at her strongest when you're not well. And I promise that I'm not trying to handle you when I say this, I'm just trying to take care of you- which is my job.

Don't listen to them Tess, listen to me because I've been there longer. I'm a more credible source. You were never heartless, I always knew you would love fiercely. That's why I worked so hard to get in. You were never callous, I know damn well you cried when we got married, even if you teased me when I did. You were never harsh, you only collect earrings because you collect memories. And as far as the mom thing goes, you weren't just a good mom, you were the best mom. You're the only mom I would have wanted for my daughter. You're the only mom who would have taken care of Ariel that perfectly. You're the only mom who could have teased smiles out of her like you did, and kindled her curiosity, and helped her memorise all those facts about space and the ocean, and fought for her like you did. You were the only mom that could have been Ariel's mom. That doesn't change because of what some random outsider says. That doesn't even change because she's gone.

I remember when you got in a fight with some kid at camp, who thought climate change was a hoax. You nailed him so hard I remember your exact words: "Your opinion doesn't change the truth, but the truth should change your opinion, and one day it will." Then you also said "science isn't an opinion asshole, that's the point, and if you don't get it then you can suck my dick, dumb shit", but that's besides my point. Recently, I've been thinking that I have too much heart. That I'm feeling things too intensely and I wish I were number. I'm sorry if other people can't see that it's the same for you. But Ariel knew how much we loved her, how much you loved her, and she's the only one we ever owed anything to.

Love always,

A


Tessa pulled their covers up, all the way to her chin.

"I'm not a robot," Tessa said.

He could have been sleeping, he'd been so still. Now he rolled over to face her, even in the dark.

"I know I don't feel things the same way as everybody else, not even touch and smell and texture. And I've always found ways to live with that. To never wear silk, to only wear long sleeves or no sleeves, to avoid coriander like the plague. But now I'm feeling too much and I don't know what to do with it because- because you can't fix it, you can't fix the- I mean, my daughter is gone, there's no fixing that, but I fix things for a living and I always have and now I have all these feelings and no idea where to put it all. You- you've always been good with feelings. It's why people approach you and tell you their problems and like to read your movie reviews and what you have to say. Where do you put it all?"

"I put it in you," Antwan said. "I know that's not fair because you have your own grief to carry, but... Teresa Solace, I thought I couldn't love anyone more than I loved you until I met my daughter. Even without her, I still love you now."

"I love you so much... so much more..." That lullaby, you are my sunshine, came back to her. You'll never know dear... Her voice shook. "And I'm so afraid you can't see it."

"I don't need to see it, Tess. I know," Antwan said.

"Those women at work really... really got under my skin," Teresa said. "The whole world does sometimes. And I'm starting to think that if they don't know, they don't deserve to see it. They have no right to my heart and to our family."

"They don't," Antwan said.

"It's ours. It's always going to be ours," Teresa said. "And I'm always going to love you for it, and I'm always going to love her, and that's okay."

"It's okay," Antwan said.

"It's okay," Tessa said.