"I am mine; I belong to no one else."
That was what I wanted to believe, that in the midst of all that indescribable pain I experienced every time his hands brushed my skin I was still me, that my body and my heart were still only mine, that no matter how many times he broke my body into a thousand pieces at least my heart would still be intact. I really wanted to believe that it could be like that, but without knowing how or when, he may have found a secret entrance somewhere, and he managed to enter that place that I tried to guard with all and intoxicated my heart with his terrors, and I don't know why I sowed in tenderness, a sadistic and bitter tenderness.
His embrace that night, although drunk, no longer generated repulsion in me, it felt even cozy that there was at least someone comforting my pain, even if that someone was the same person who inflicted pain. It was almost ironic or tragicomical that I was minimizing perhaps that very pain I felt, doctors would call it Stockholm syndrome maybe.
My skin would bristle when his body rubbed against mine, one instant and the pain was gone, another instant I would return between nightmares to feel the heat of the leather against my chest cutting my skin, leaving a trail of blood, until everything simply burned.
I still remember that day, the shackles that imprisoned my wrists were no longer tight and Boss had allowed me to be released at least inside the room. The door was closed, and I was getting dressed, I couldn't remember the last time I wore a shirt, but I could barely button it, my hands were still shaking.
The sound of the door slamming made me jump back to my usual corner, and I was so scared that without thinking and without being fully conscious about it I put the handcuffs back on, from there hiding in a corner trembling I heard screams and struggles, until suddenly a deafening silence invaded everything. Boss appeared slamming the door, my eyes opened wide when I saw him sulking with anger up to his pores. Kicking the bed, and throwing everything up in the air, roaring like a rampaging bull, then he stopped and our gazes from one corner to the other met. and that look, those eyes I don't know why they gave me the feeling that Boss was a person who needed to be loved, like his eyes were telling me desperately to love him, that he was the way he was because he was denied love and how horrible the world is when a person like him so hungry for affection, doesn't receive it.
"If I told you about the darkness in me, you´d still look at me like I´m the sun"
I saw him hitting himself, he pulled his own hair while looking at me and I panicked, I left my safe place and jumped against him so he would stop hurting himself "Are you stupid?", I said holding his wrists, he shook his arms freeing himself, and with his eyes burning with anger he looked at me, His eyes went down the half-open shirt and his hands from the elastic of the pants began to go up, I felt his fingers touching my skin and my soul bristled with his touch, he looked for my eyes and I could only look at his mouth, and I wished from the bottom of my being that he would stop.
And it did, when his fingers found my neck and he grabbed my chin I heard his hoarse and dry voice against my ear "don't you ignore it anymore ", I frowned without taking my eyes off his eyes, "psycho", Boss then let out a slight, amused laugh, as he moved closer and closer until he almost left me with no personal space, I felt his breath on my neck, choking me, his voice telling me things I didn't know how to interpret, his fingers hid in my lower belly, he tightened his hands on the shirt I was wearing and pulled me with one stroke towards him. "I know what I want Kahn, what do you want?"
his hands running down my back, caressing me to my soul, I wasn't afraid, but I didn't know how to deal with it, it wasn't like from one instant to the next I suddenly liked men, what I felt I still didn't know how to call it. But this self-confident stranger, he knew himself, and that was why his father hated him so much, he hated that his tastes were not according to what was expected of him, and everyone called him a freak, I think deep down Boss knew it.
I closed my eyes, as his face hovered too close to mine, until his gaze was impossible to avoid, I opened my eyes again, his fingers on my cheek holding me by my chin, running his fingers over my mouth " It's no fun if you don't give in", he took a step bumping his shoulder into mine, I grabbed his arm before he could react and kissed him.
a storm of emotions took hold of me, while his mouth played with mine, while his hands wrapped around my body and I burned, my whole body burned with every touch of his skin, with every kiss of his mouth burned me. I felt that my body that was his before now surrendered again without waiting for the verdict of sanity of my mind and soul, just let it do at his expense as the waves.
His hands ran all over my body undressing my heart, his fingers bristling my skin with every little caress. Today was different, there was no pain, no denial, it was a sublime surrender, I let myself be seduced by his intoxicating kisses, he held me by the wrists hanging from the chains, he turned me over leaving me exposed to whatever he wanted to do to me.
He kissed, bit and ran his mouth over my back, while his hands slowly traveled down my crotch, I let out a slight moan without realizing it and felt his laughter on me. in a moment he released my imprisoned hands dropping the handcuffs as he laid me down on the bed, his eyes for the first time shone, and they were deep beautiful blue eyes.
His body became entangled with mine until we no longer knew where his body began and mine ended, his breath hitching against my neck, his body moving inside mine merging against me, I let out a slight moan of pain, Boss quickly separated from me and looked at me worried "are you okay?" he said trying to catch his breath, I smiled, "I'm fine, some have not healed at all" Boss separated from me and with his fingertips drew the path left by the wounds. Wounds that he himself had caused.
and kissed them, one by one he caressed my wounds and kissed them with his lips whispering me forgiveness, him next to me, enemies facing each other from one moment to another sharing such an unhealthy bond, made my heart feel two emotions that cannot live together, in moments I thought I loved him, and others between nightmares remembering how he abused me I wanted to hate him, but I couldn't. I wanted to hate him, but I could not.
There and like that I realize how I was deeply in love with his darkness eyes.
