Chapter two of Strength to Make it Through

I couldn't do it. I tried, I really did, but the look on my mom's face made me back out. She was so concerned and she kept looking at me with her big brown eyes, rubbing her hand soothingly up and down my upper arm. It was that moment, when I had to tell her that her what had transpired at the doctor's office, that I was reminded of everything that she-WE-had already been through together; my sister being raped and then trying to kill herself, Darcy moving to Kenya and never coming back, the divorce, her getting remarried. And now was her chance to be happy. I couldn't take that from her. So I smiled and told her that it was nothing to be concerned about right now. They only ran some more tests.

She was so relieved that she decided to take us out to dinner. She didn't flat out say that it was because the doctors hadn't sent me home with bad news, but I knew that was why she did it.

If only she REALLY knew what was wrong.

I couldn't help but think that if my dad had been there to help me tell her, I wouldn't have backed out. My dad used the line that he and my mom couldn't even be in the same room without spewing insults at each other. In my head I had translated that to 'I'm too much of a coward to tell her, you're on your own.'

"Clare, we're here." I looked up in shock as Glen said my name. He has been very nice to me through out everything and I've only been mildly polite to him. It made me feel a little bit guilty. It wasn't his fault that I was always mad. But he was an easy outlet for the pain.

I smiled at him as I reached over to grab my bag, "Thank you for the ride, Glen." He and Jake both turned to look at me with shocked expressions at the sincerity in my voice. It even took me by surprise too. It was time I stopped holding my grudge. With another smile, I got out of the car and it fell just as fast as it grew when I saw Alli and Eli waiting for me at the top of the stairs.

She and Eli were obviously waiting for me. Alli was bouncing on the balls of her feet in impatience and Eli looked on in annoyance as she talked on and on about something I couldn't here. Alli was the first to spot me.

"Clare!" Alli yelled as she raced down the steps towards me. I rolled my eyes. Like I couldn't see her.

I nearly laughed as she shoved two huge Hockey players out of her way in her haste to get to me. One dropped their books while the other lost his balance and fell down a few steps. They both glared at Alli, who didn't even spare them a glace as she continued her sprint towards me in four inch heels. The Hockey players yelled after her but she didn't stop to even glance at them.

"Clare," Alli screeched as she finally reached me. Eli made it to me a second later; he had to wait for the Hockey jocks to get out of her way. "What…happened…at the…doctors?" every word was interrupted by her gasping for oxygen.

I looked down at my shoes trying to figure out how to tell them. Eli stepped forward and gently tilted my chin up to look at him with his hand. "What's wrong?"

Shock ran through my body as his eyes connected with mine and I felt the butterflies move in my belly like they usually did when he was around me. His eyes were pleading with me, trying to get me to tell him what was going on. And I wanted to. But, it would hurt him and Alli. It would hurt me!

I shook my head and smiled at them. "It was nothing. Dr. Lee only wanted me to take a few more tests and then they should be able to tell what is going on."

Their relief was just like my mom's was. They had been so concerned and probably expecting the worst. I mentally laughed. If only they knew the truth.

"Does this mean that something really could be wrong though?" Ugh, Alli, why do you have to be so smart?

"They are just taking precaution," I soothed when worry over took their expressions again.

"Well, I hope that there is nothing wrong." Eli said, lacing his fingers with mine. "I don't know what I'd do if I lost you." The sincerity in his voice and the honesty I saw in his eyes nearly broke my heart. How could I keep this from him much longer?

"Same here," Alli piped up from behind him and moved to stand next to me. She placed her hand on my shoulder and squeezed it. "I can't lose my best friend."

"I'm going to be just fine." No, I'm not. I'm lying to you so you don't have to worry, but at the same time, I am dying on the inside.

"Good," they said in unison. I laughed softly just as the bell rang. We moved up the stairs together and I asked, "So, we're meeting at lunch?"

"I can't." Alli said with a sad look. "I just got my samples in and I can't wait to test them."

"And I have called a last minute lunch rehearsal that Dave and Adam have to attend. Sorry," he said as he kissed my temple. "You can come too."

I laughed and shoved him away jokingly, "Yeah, I just love watching bossing people around and being in the way of everything." I had tried to spend time with them there, but I just keep getting in everyone's way. It made me remember when I was in grade nine and I had worked on the school play. I only didn't the props, but I won an award for them. This year, Imogene did the set, and it was beautiful.

"You can never get in the way," Eli replied as he leaned down to kiss me.

"You guys flirt weird," Alli said as she walked away. Eli and I laughed as we watched her go.

"Are you sure you don't want to join me and the guys for practice?" Eli looked down at me with concern. He'd been very concerned ever since I had been getting headaches. They freaked him out and made him never want to let me out of his sight. This time, I liked his protectiveness. It made me feel loved instead of claustrophobic.

"I'm sure." I leaned forward and gave him a kiss. "You better go before you're late for class."

Eli nodded and leaned down to kiss me before running off.

….

…..

Eating alone is never fun. I had thought that I would be able to eat with K.C. or Jake, but they were busy too. It was strange sitting with so many people this year. When I first got to Degrassi I sat with Alli, Connor and K.C., by the end of the year we also had Jenna, Wesley and Dave. But when Jenna and K.C. started dating, our group spilt. Grade ten I sat with Eli and Adam for most of the year. This year I sat with Alli, Adam, Eli, K.C., Connor, Jenna, Dave, Jake, and sometimes Katie. My table was always full.

Except for today.

Jenna had left to go and help Becky Baker set up a booth. K.C. and Connor were practicing for their Bright Stars group and Jake was working on his garden with Katie.

So that meant that I was alone today. I didn't like the feeling of being alone, not after the doctor's visit. Tears began to form in my eyes as I watched people laugh with their friends and joke around with each other. Soon I wouldn't be able to do that with my friends. I wouldn't be able to laugh with them over stupid stuff. I wouldn't be able to make joke about light things. The person I am right now, the Clare Edwards that everyone knew would be changed forever.

The worst part is, is that if I don't open up to my friends, no one will understand why I'm changing, why I will eventually stop coming to school. If they know, they will be able to support me like I need them too.

I couldn't sit here anymore, alone and about to cry.

I got up, grabbed my bag and made a dash to the doors. Just as I turned to corner I ran into a solid body and felt myself begin to fall. I braced myself for the impact, but it didn't come. Instead, I was yanked by my upper arms and placed firmly on my feet.

"Maybe you should watch where you're going," Dallas snapped at me.

I looked up at him with a glare before I nodded. He was right, I should have been watching. Yet, he could have put it nicely. "Sorry," I mumbled, looking at my feet.

Dallas huffed, "What's wrong now?" He asked annoyed.

"Is it any of your business?" I snapped at him. He raised an eye brow and then shrugged.

"You have a tendency to dump your problems on me, remember?" Dallas stepped towards me with a knowing look.

I blushed and backed away, "I'm sorry about that too. And the article; I took my anger for Asher out on you and the team and it wasn't right. I am truly sorry about that."

I don't know if it was the honesty of my words or that I was standing before him looking like a seven year old girl who just watched her dog die, but Dallas sighed and then nodded. "You're forgiven. I can't say the same for your boyfriend though."

I rolled my eyes but smiled, "It's because he beat you up right?"

"He did not beat me up!" I laughed.

"You walked-I'm sorry, limped-away with a bloody nose, while Eli only had a few scrapes on his hand." I folded my arms across my chest and jutted out my chin.

"Yeah, I guess Theatre Geek knows how to throw a punch." A smiled cockily at him and was about to make a biting retort when he cut me off, "From what I heard, you and Dragon Tattoo know how to throw a punch too; took down one of my guys."

"Is it just me, or do you sound impressed?" I asked in fake shock.

Dallas shrugged, "I just thought that Saint Clare didn't know how to hurt anyone."

I laughed at that, "You would be surprised at what I can do."

Dallas laughed too, "I've heard some stories." I rolled my eyes and he just laughed harder. "I'm gonna go before I miss my time to eat."

"You mean stuff your face?" I asked as he moved towards the door, "I've seen you guys eat. I honestly don't know where you put it all."

"Coach gives us one hell of a work out." And then he disappeared in the doors and again, I was alone.

Was I becoming one of those girls who were dependent on others to make them happy? I remember the time when I actually liked being alone. I didn't mind the quiet and being alone with my thoughts. But after the doctor's visit, I found that my mind is no longer a safe place.

Which is why I now have tears in my eyes and I was now running down the hallway looking for a place to cry without being seen.

The girl's bathroom was too busy during lunch.

An empty classroom sounds best, but right now I could get caught by either a teacher or one of the security officers roaming around.

Ugh, why can't this school go back to how it was in the ninth grade?

I saw the seat under the stairwell and looked around quickly before I sat down and let myself cry.

The worst part was that I didn't even know what I was crying about, but it felt good to let it all out. I guess I was crying for the life I would never have again because know everything would be different, I could be different. Why didn't things have to change? Why couldn't things just remain simple? I suppose it is true what everyone says, life continues to get worse as you grow up.

I always thought that the people who said that were exaggerating, it turns out they weren't. I've experienced too much bad stuff to not believe them by now.

"Are…you okay?" a voice asked, interrupting my misery.

I looked up and saw Bianca standing nervously beside me. She looked uncomfortable, but worried at the same time.

"I'm fine," I said as I wiped my face clean of tears.

"Yeah, because it's every day that I catch someone crying under the stairwell," she rolled her eyes. "Unless you count the girls bathroom, because I just caught a guy crying in there the other day." She shrugged like it was no big deal. Like it was an everyday occurrence to catch a boy crying in the girl's bathroom.

I looked up at her confused. She rolled her eyes and plopped down next to me. I scooted over to make room for her or else she would sit half on top of me. I had no idea why Bianca was sitting next to me, but I couldn't really get up and leave since she was on the outside and I was crammed up against the wall.

"This guy was having a melt down because people were picking on him. I told him to hang out with people he likes because high school sucks." She shrugged again.

"That's…actually nice of you Bianca." I said in surprise.

She rolled her eyes. "I can be nice you know."

I looked down blushing, "Sorry."

"Whatever. You want to talk about why you were crying?" She changed the subject as she sent me a piercing look.

I sighed and looked away. Maybe she would make me feel batter. It couldn't hurt right?

"Are you afraid of anything?" I asked tentatively. I knew by the look on her face that I shocked her.

She was quiet for a moment before she answered me. "I'm afraid of bugs."

I laughed. Bianca, one of the toughest girls I know, was scared of bugs. It was too funny. Tears started to run down my cheeks and there was a slight stich in my side.

"Really, it's not that funny." But she was chuckling too.

We both sat there laughing until I started to cry. I didn't know when the tears of laughter turned to tears of sadness, but I was on the verge of sobbing. Bianca stopped laughing and wrapped an arm around me. "Whatever it is Clare, it can't be so bad."

That was all it took. I couldn't hold it in any longer. I NEEDED to tell someone. There was a voice in the back of my head telling me not to tell Bianca of all people; it was probably right, but I didn't care. I needed a release, and unlike the Asher situation where I drank, this was a much healthier choice.

I pulled back from her and looked her right in the eyes. I watched as Bianca looked back and swallowed nervously.

"I have cancer." She gasped in shock. Maybe this was too much for her? I mentally rolled my eyes, this was Bianca, she can handle it. "It's a brain tumor, and unless I get surgery-where one wrong slip can wipe my memory clean forever or one wrong nick and I'm a vegetable for the rest of my life-I will slowly, but steadily, lose my memory. In fact," I said with fake cheer. "I could die."

What did you think?

I like Dallas, and I will not be making him the bad guy in this story.

But I promise there will be a bad guy…or girl. Have not decided who it will be, but I know who I am leaning too.

Leave a review please.