T minus 7 days
Of all the god damned, shitty luck in the world, Elliot Stabler was pretty fucking certain his was the absolute worst.
Because he'd been sure, as he left the crib with a spring in his step and a smug grin on his face and a nameless happy tune humming through his lips, that he was the luckiest fucker in all of history. But he'd only gotten to the top of the stairs before he noticed a woman waiting by his desk and his mood fell. Halfway down the steps, he realized there was something kind of familiar about her. At the bottom of the steps he heard her voice, telling Lake she was waiting for someone, and immediately recognized it. He thought for a moment about making a dash for the door, hoping he could disappear without being seen.
And then he hesitated, very seriously considering going back to the crib and kissing Olivia a few million more times. The thought gave him pause because he wasn't sure how he'd ever resisted the idea, let alone how he was supposed to once he'd found out how very sweet her lips tasted. Her lips were delicious. So was her tongue and her breath and her skin. He couldn't believe she'd let him touch her. He couldn't believe she'd let him touch her like that. He couldn't believe she'd let him take her like that. He couldn't believe anything short of the rapture had convinced him to leave his beautiful, sexy, amazing partner's side, even if it was only long enough to give the pretense to anyone watching that they hadn't just fucked in the crib and weren't heading out together to have a discussion that he very much hoped would end with them fucking someplace more private.
He shook his head, correcting himself. He wasn't going to fuck her again. He wasn't ever going to fuck her again. He was going to hopefully take her home and make love to her. He corrected himself again; he wasn't going to make love to her, he was going to make up for the pain he knew he'd caused her. He was going to worship every inch of her spectacular body until he passed out. And as soon as he woke up, he'd do it again and again.
The thought was his undoing because the thought of loving her over and over pulled a groan from his lips.
And apparently having been waiting for him for some time, Dani Beck turned quickly at the sound. She smiled at him, baring her teeth and opening her mouth.
She was so damn happy to see him and all he could think of was that she had really big teeth. And she had a lot of them too. Like more than most humans. In fact, for some odd reason she kind of reminded him of a horse. He shook his head, wondering why he'd ever been so hard up that he'd willingly kissed her. He'd been more attracted to cross-dressing pros than he ever was to the woman who'd stupidly tried to replace Olivia Benson.
He reluctantly approached her, rationalizing that if he talked really, really quickly, he'd be able to get rid of the interloper before Olivia had to see her. Considering the way Olivia had somehow decided, without a shred of fact, he was some kind of male slut who'd fucked every woman in town, he thought it might be best for her to not see him talking to any women until he set her straight. First and foremost, he wanted her to know that while everyone "knew" about him and Dani, what everyone had seen was the extent of their relationship. He'd been drinking and he'd been lonely and he'd missed the shit out of his real partner and out of some desperate fear that Dani might leave him too, he'd made the move he'd always been afraid to make with Olivia.
Two seconds in Dani's presence left him uncomfortable and nervous and slightly sick. Coupled with the intense fear that Olivia was about to show up and see what would, in her eyes, be quite possibly the biggest betrayal of all time, he was paralyzed. At the moment when he really needed to keep his thoughts together and his mind focused, he could only stare at Dani and wonder why the hell he'd ever cared if she left.
He was in a fog. Words, thoughts, actions, everything, failed him. The air was thick and choked him, seeming to get worse when Dani's hand landed on his forearm. It hurt like hell, the edge of her silver watch pressing painfully into one of the slices Olivia's nails had caused in his skin.
She was talking, saying something, but he couldn't quite hear it or understand it. Something about thinking a lot. Something changing things. Something about the future. Something about an undeniable bond.
He tore his eyes from the stairs where they'd been locked keeping watch for Liv and wondered how the hell Dani knew anything about the relationship he shared with his partner. She seemed happy that he was looking back at her, reading acceptance in his silent stupor.
And, in keeping with his unfathomable luck, Olivia chose right then to reappear. Exactly when he was standing there, staring at Dani, letting Dani's hands touch him. He thought about jerking away, running to Olivia and swearing it was truly all a coincidence, but with the way Dani was standing there was a chance Olivia couldn't see the point of contact and might not realize one existed. She'd be heartbroken if she saw it, if she thought he was flirting with a woman she believed had meant something to him. Pulling away would only draw attention to the fact that Dani was touching him. He had to protect Olivia, had to keep her from hurting the way he knew she would if she thought he would do something like that.
So he sucked it up and pretended Dani's touch didn't make his skin crawl.
He was still in a daze as he tried to talk, realizing Olivia wouldn't even know who the woman was. Time seemed to speed up at his brain slowed down. Olivia had met Dani previously. Olivia was mad. Olivia was well aware that Dani had her hands on his skin. Olivia was leaving.
Without him.
Elliot Stabler had never been suicidal, not really, but he wanted to die. Olivia thought he'd betrayed her and she was leaving and he was sure if he let her leave without him then she would never let him make up his physical transgressions on her. She might never let him touch her again. And that would kill him.
He tried to get her to understand, tried to remind her that they were different than they had been, tried to tell her he wasn't above falling to his knees and begging her in front of a room full of witnesses. Confused and impaired as he was, he couldn't read her. She seemed mad, but she was smiling. And then she was telling him to go out with Dani. The thought alone turned his stomach; it only got worse when he realized she meant instead of her.
He'd already learned that Dani would not, could not replace Olivia in any part of his life.
She was leaving and he was frozen. It cut him to the quick to think that she wouldn't believe him, to know that she'd felt the way he'd kissed her and cleaned her lip and combed her hair and didn't know how much she meant to him, to watch her turn her back on him after he'd shown her how truly vulnerable he was when it came to her.
The moment she was gone, the fog seemed to lift a little, leaving him staring back at Dani. Her smile hadn't faded any and she looked eager. "Ready?"
He stared at her, wondering what was wrong with her.
Her grin didn't fade. "I don't know how you work with her. She's such a bitch." She reached out for him again, trying to wrap her sickening hands around his. "Let's get out of here so we can talk." Her eyes fell and she peeked up at him through her lashes with an irritatingly futile flirtatious expression. "Or something."
And then he realized it was all her fault. Once again, she'd come into his life when he was helpless and tried to take something that wasn't hers, tried to tarnish something clean and pure, tried to make him forget the woman who meant everything to him. He snarled at her, aiming all of his anger and hate and hurt at her, yanking his arms out of her grasp.
"Don't you ever say something like that about her again. Get the fuck away from me."
She laughed, as though she thought it was funny. "Ok, ok, partners are off limits." She winked at him. "Good thing we're not partners anymore."
He wanted to say that they'd never been partners, that whatever feelings he'd shown to her had simply been misplaced feelings for Olivia that he didn't know what to do with, that she meant nothing to him. But words failed him when he shouted at her, instead finding a stupid, childish insult that he half wished would happen. "Drop dead!"
His legs were like lead, failing him when he needed them most. He couldn't chase Olivia. He couldn't follow her and beg her to understand. He couldn't do anything but flop into his chair. He was exhausted. The surge of energy that had allowed him to get up and air out the crib and prod Olivia up off the floor where they'd collapsed and allowed him to talk her through her anxiety following what he'd done to her and had supported her weight when she'd fallen into him at his kiss – it was gone. As always, all of his strength had left him, siding with Olivia. Every time she left him, even if was only to go home for the night, he felt his strength disappear. He wondered if that was because he didn't actually have any strength. He had Olivia; she was his strength. As long as he had her by his side, he was undefeatable. But without her, he was an empty shell, pathetic and broken and weak.
Dani must have left. Most women left after he shouted at them. Besides, with Dani's rather explosive, violent temper that made him look like a tame little lamb, Lake's words would have merited a response, rather than the silence that answered them.
"So, who's the fox?"
Elliot looked at him, unable to come up with a response. Fin was looking too and Elliot hoped he would chime in. But both men simply stared at him, looking for something. He shrugged, not quite sure what they were getting at, wondering if maybe they somehow knew what had happened in the crib. "You know Liv."
Elliot watched as Fin's face broke into a smile before he ducked down. Lake didn't smile as he looked between his partner, who seemed to know what was going on, and Elliot, who did not. "Yeah, I know Liv."
Elliot glared at the younger man, wondering why he had to decide to be chatty right then. "So why'd you ask?"
Lake's eyes turned to his partner, the man who was continuing to find quite a bit of amusement in the exchange. "What the hell is he talking about?"
Fin glanced at Elliot, but looked away immediately when he found the man's eyes locked on him. "Liv's the fox. What are you talking about?"
Lake shrugged, realizing he wasn't getting anywhere. "Never mind."
Fin nodded. "Good man."
It took a long time before Elliot realized he needed to stick with his original plan. The plan that had calmed Olivia down in the crib, the plan that would result in him getting to kiss her and hold her and love her.
It took even longer for his body to feel steady enough to allow him to walk. After what he'd done, the way he'd disrespected her body, the way he'd debased their relationship, his muscles were wasted. It had taken a hell of a lot of energy to fuck her the way he had. The only way to recover from the workout was to curl up around her in bed, holding her close to him as he slept, knowing he could be near her forever.
Finally, he managed to stand, forcing one leg in front of the other as he followed her usual path home. He felt horrible, knowing that as tired as he was, she had to feel worse. His memory flashed back to the way it had felt when he was pounding into her, so forcefully, so carelessly, knowing that even though she was wet, her body was tight. He knew that he'd hurt her, that she'd needed more of a warning, that she hadn't been ready for him to enter her. And it made him especially sorry to know that even though she'd come so hard in his arms, her body had tensed in those seconds, tightening around him even more, and he'd been so far gone at that point that he hadn't consciously realized he was tearing her skin, stretching her body further than she could take, forcing himself into her, abusing her tender center while he sought the same release. She'd come, but he'd forced her.
He swallowed the bile in his throat, recalling all too well the words they told their victims. The body doesn't know what the brain does. The body doesn't care who's touching it. The body could find sexual release even if the brain hadn't given any consent to the encounter.
He had to offer her the opportunity to turn him in, to tell Cragen he'd attacked her. He hadn't intended to rape her and he sorely hoped that wasn't the case, but he needed her to tell him that, to tell him that although it was rough and harsh it was something she wanted. And if, on the surprisingly serendipitous chance, she said that was the case, he would pledge to her that he'd never touch her when he was angry ever again. He would love her the way he'd always wanted to.
His pace quickened, covering the distance faster than he ever had. Still, it felt like forever before he found her block. He looked up at her windows, hoping to see her, maybe even looking out in the hopes that he would follow. But her windows were dark and it hurt to think that she'd gone to bed, perhaps crying at the thought he was out with Dani.
As he took the final few steps to her door, something caught his attention. Turning to the right, his eyes tried to focus down the alley. It had to be instinct, he realized, after so many years of being a cop, because he saw something on the ground and he couldn't ignore it. As desperate as he was to pound on her door until she let him in, the lump on the ground demanded his attention.
He approached it slowly, suspicious of whatever had caught his attention.
The moment he stepped close enough to pick it out clearly in the dim light, his heart stopped. The last bit of instinct caused him to reach for his phone even as his legs gave out. He knew why her windows were dark. He knew he wouldn't be pounding on her door and begging for her forgiveness.
He slumped into a sitting position on the filthy ground of the alley, seeing streaks of blood on the dumpster beside him and praying that she hadn't been hurt too badly, clutching her leather jacket in his hands, hugging it to him like it was his last link to her.
He'd never been so scared in his life to know that it really was.
