T Minus 6 Days

The fucking police department took fucking forever. He'd called it in, as he'd been trained to do, gave his badge number, requested crime scene, a supervisor on scene, even requested his captain be notified.

At least, he must have because they were there. Although it felt like the end of time had come and gone, the alley was awash with blue and red lights, their strobe effect making his head hurt. The uniforms had made it on scene first, followed by an ambulance crew. Elliot wasn't sure what to feel about that; he could be happy there was a chance that she was lying nearby injured or he could be terrified that she was lying nearby injured and unable to speak.

Cragen and Fin arrived within a few minutes of one another. Cragen was dressed in khakis and a polo shirt and for a moment of reprieve from his terror, Elliot considered how strange it was to see the man out of his normal suits. Cragen was held up, gathering information from the officers on the scene.

Fin approached him slowly, his expression tense and his eyes narrowed. He chose to speak when he was still several feet away. "Hey, man."

Elliot stared at him, trying to figure out if Fin was acting strange or if it was simply that Elliot's brain had stopped working when he realized something had happened to Olivia after he'd hurt her. He couldn't work out the strength to speak; he shrugged instead.

"You all right?" Fin was staying back, his hands dug deep down in his pockets. It occurred to Elliot that the man might actually be afraid of him, of his bent toward sudden instability.

Elliot's eyes narrowed further. He jerked up from where he was slumped against the wall. "What the-"

Fin held up a hand. "Don't. I know."

Pissed off both at the fact that Fin had cut off the beginning of what might have been a pressure-releasing tirade and at the idea that Fin thought he knew anything about how he was feeling, he let himself get worked up. He started to hyperventilate, knowing his face was turning red in anger. "The fuck you do."

"I know Cragen is going to be pissed as shit when he walks over here and finds out you haven't done anything besides sit here and cry." Fin's voice paused long enough for Elliot to meet his eyes. "Your eyes are all red, Elliot. Go inside, clean yourself up."

Realizing that Fin was trying to help him, his anger died quickly. His energy dried up too, leaving him to sag back against the wall the way he'd been when his coworkers had arrived. He appreciated the suggestion, but he couldn't move, couldn't leave the scene, not as long as there was still the hope that Olivia might be unconscious while otherwise uninjured somewhere close.

Cragen's approach was notably faster than Fin's had been. He strode right up to Elliot, opening his mouth to speak right away, but pausing when he saw the red eyes and tear tracks. He was disappointed as he sighed. "Elliot, why don't you tell me what happened here?"

Elliot's attention snapped to attention immediately, recognizing the tone. It was the same one he used when he thought he was talking to someone crazy. Someone crazy who was potentially dangerous. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?" His blood was boiling at the suggestion, reading between the lines to find an imaginary accusation that he'd done something to hurt Olivia.

Cragen sighed, clearly not in the mood to deal with a violent, irritated Elliot. Olivia was typically the one who dealt with him in that situation. "The uniforms haven't found anything to indicate trouble here, Elliot."

Elliot glared at both men in front of him. "And what exactly did they make of the blood on the dumpster? Maybe someone was redecorating?"

"You got half the department out here at this hour on the grounds that an officer had been attacked and abducted." His eyes darted to the large group of cops who were milling around, looking more bored than busy. "Do you have any evidence that a crime was committed?"

Elliot lifted his fist, holding her jacket up for their inspection. "She was carrying this when she left the office tonight. I found it next to the dumpster. You know, the one with the blood streaks on it."

Cragen's eyes darted to Fin rather than dare meet Elliot's. "She could have dropped it, Elliot. That's hardly cause for calling the cavalry. Did you try knocking on her door?"

Elliot was on his feet in a second, leaning into Cragen's space. "Do you really think she'd hang out in her apartment while the entire fucking NYPD descended around her building?"

Cragen remained still, not giving in to Elliot's furious intimidation. "Did you try her apartment?"

Elliot was exasperated, shaking her jacket at him. "She carries this damn coat with her all the time. She wears it in the middle of July. She didn't drop it."

Cragen shook his head, refusing to answer. "Did you try her apartment?"

Elliot didn't answer, but Fin spoke up in the silence. "I'll have a look, cap."

By the time Fin had climbed the front steps, Elliot and Cragen were on his heels. Fin tried the door, only to discover that he needed a code. He peeked through the glass doors, looking for someone he could flash his badge at to get the door opened. Elliot reached past him, plugging Olivia's code into the keypad and unlocking the door. He was waiting for the question, ready to explain that he knew the code because he'd helped her move in five years earlier. Anything to protect Olivia's reputation against stronger suspicion that she was having an affair with him.

Elliot took the lead then, climbing the steps three at a time, irrationally hoping that he was wrong, that Olivia had drunk some wine before she went to sleep and was sound asleep despite the police presence outside. He pounded on her door, loud enough and long enough to wake three of her neighbors.

Half triumphant and half crushed, he turned to his boss. "Still think she's sleeping?"

Entirely irritated that she hadn't opened the door, Cragen sighed again. "Open it."

Elliot's mouth actually fell open as Fin studied his shoes. Shock gave way to anger as Elliot's eyes narrowed again. "How exactly do you expect me to do that? With my Irish fucking charm?"

Fin's shoes continued to be interesting, even as he suggested that Munch had once given him a key in case, in Munch's own words, he ever got up the nerve to end his mental torment and leave the mortal coil.

Cragen stared Elliot down. "You've been partners for ten years, Elliot. Don't you have a key?"

"Of course I don't have a key. I'm usually the one she's trying to avoid when she won't answer the door. Giving me a key would defeat the purpose." As much as he hated to reveal that he'd spent more than one evening, begging her to open the door before her neighbors called in a domestic disturbance, he figured honestly was more important than saving face when Olivia was in trouble. And hell, he was surprised his fist hadn't left an indentation in her door after so many years.

"I'll get the officers to crack it." Cragen took two steps back toward the stairwell.

Fin looked up, realizing the situation wasn't nearly so private as to require his tact. He nodded toward her jacket. "Try her coat." It was obvious he didn't want to make the suggestion, to imply that he believed Elliot hadn't made a mistake, to call attention to the fact that Olivia hardly would have been able to leave her coat in the street with her keys in the pocket.

Embarrassed that he hadn't thought to check it himself, Elliot busied himself with checking the pockets. He felt something in the left one, knowing without question what it was the moment his fingers closed around it, but pulling it out to display her badge for the other two men. From the right pocket, he produced her key ring, fitting her key into her lock, refusing to think about what it would have taken to separate Olivia from her badge.

The door swung open, pitch blackness greeting the men. The apartment seemed too still. He hated being there without Olivia, hated the reason he was there even more. As he switched on the lights, he remembered two nights earlier, when he'd spent the night on her couch, so content to know that she was in the bedroom. Cragen and Fin poked around, trying to satisfy some definition of a search so that Olivia wouldn't suffer the degradation of a full police search of her private space. Elliot couldn't bring himself to do it, instead found a wall to support him as he half collapsed under the let down that Cragen had unwittingly caused. Some part of him had really started to hope that they'd meet her, half-asleep and thoroughly affronted, in the hallway, demanding that they explain why they were there.

Elliot was leaning on the kitchen doorway, trying and failing to feel nothing as his eyes perused the clean room. He couldn't help but recall watching her talk to Eli, remembering the tender way she'd cared for the boy. He could practically hear her sweet, silly voice, calling him names, while she prepared to feed him. It took him a while to recall what she'd called him, to remember the intimacy of the moment when Mr. Grouchy Pants had made his presence known. He smiled at the memory, at the hope there would be more mornings where he could stroll into her kitchen half-dressed and see her bonding with his son.

"Found this under the edge of the couch." Fin approached, holding out his hand while checking to make sure Cragen was out of sight. "I'm betting it's yours."

Elliot's eyes focused on the outstretched hand, seeing the blue rattle of Eli's that must have fallen out of his carrier. He took it, thrusting it into his pocket. Technically it was wrong to take something without letting anyone else see it, but he knew it had nothing to do with her disappearance and that its presence would only serve to impugn her reputation. His eyes darted up to Fin's, appreciating the other man's continual discretion, which he recognized was in deference to Olivia, as opposed to himself. "Thanks, Fin."

"Don't mention it." He grinned. "Really. Don't."

Elliot nodded, recognizing if not appreciating the joke.

His hand fell lightly against Elliot's shoulder as he stepped away. "We'll find her."

Elliot nodded again, desperate to believe it, unable to comprehend anything else.

"We will. Now that Cragen's satisfied you're not a paranoid stalker."

When Cragen finally approached them, Elliot fought back the urge to declare he'd told them so. Rather than admitting he'd been wrong, the captain ushered them towards the door. "Let's see if crime scene has gotten here yet."

Elliot hung back from them, taking a few last looks around her space, imaging that she might appear at any moment, praying that he'd be welcome there again, hoping he wouldn't be sleeping on the couch anymore. Finally, he turned off the lights and pulled the door shut behind him, slipping her keys into his pocket.

The crime scene unit had arrived and been working while they were gone, taking samples of the blood and dusting everything they could find for prints. Elliot knew it was a long shot since it would probably take years to interview everyone whose fingerprints they'd found, but he was hoping one of them would set off alarm bells. Short of that, there wasn't much for them to go on.

Cragen pulled Elliot aside, speaking to him quietly. "You need to go home. Get some sleep."

It was the most preposterous suggestion he had ever heard and was about to voice as much.

But Cragen kept talking, not allowing the argument to even start. "You look like hell and you're no good to anyone here at the moment. You know they'll be in contact with you." He bit his lip as he looked away, not quite able to meet Elliot's eyes. "You're the closest person to her, Elliot, and there are a few hundred witnesses to the fact that you've been pretty angry with her."

Elliot suddenly understood why Cragen had looked away. "What the hell are you implying?"

Cragen winced. "I'm saying IAB will be called in. They'll question you and you better be pretty fucking calm they do or you'll never be any good to her."

"We were fighting. We fight all the time. I would never hurt her." Even as he spoke, he knew that was untrue, knew that his angry words hurt her all the time. He almost corrected himself, almost appended his statement to say that he would never physically hurt her, but as his mind flashed to the cruel, violent way he'd fucked her just that evening, he knew that wasn't true either. His shoulders sagged beneath the weight of his own lie.

"I want you in early tomorrow. I want to have them question you as soon as possible so they can clear you. Olivia needs you looking for her." Cragen nodded toward Fin who'd been standing off to the side. "Once she's back, Elliot, the three of us need to sit down and discuss this."

Elliot didn't care if Fin was uncomfortable or not. He didn't care if Cragen was finally right on the money about their relationship. He couldn't let Olivia's name be besmirched while she wasn't there to defend herself. "Just what the fuck does that mean?"

Fin's eyes widened as his shoes regained their importance in his life. Cragen pursed his lips, annoyed that Elliot wouldn't ever let anything go. "It means that I was trying to pretend you weren't outside your partner's building at midnight when we all heard you fighting earlier and have no legitimate work-related reason to be here."

So perhaps screaming drop dead at Dani had been a bad idea, if only because it had caught the captain's attention. He glared at the man in front of him, hating him for making the assumption that Olivia was going to let him in for a booty call. Olivia deserved better from her boss. Because where Elliot had broken, given into the pressure his body created, taken Olivia's body for his use, it hadn't been Olivia's fault. She hadn't given in; in fact, she'd shouted at him to leave at the risk of her telling Cragen.

He wanted to spare her the trouble; he wanted to turn himself in. But he deferred to Olivia, deciding that it was up to her, as to whether or not to reveal what had happened between them.

Still he had to answer his boss since he'd been the one to force the older man to voice the thought. "I was coming over to apologize for being a jerk earlier."

Cragen was unimpressed, unable to comprehend that he was actually getting the truth. "And you couldn't use the phone?"

"She would have hung up on me. Provided she even answered in the first place."

Cragen's eyes darted to Fin's downturned face as he took a deep breath. "So you're telling me it's one-sided."

Elliot looked down, his instincts telling him to run away from something so personal. He wasn't ready to confess his feelings to a priest, let alone his boss. He hadn't even really told Olivia; he'd simply hoped she could read him. But he had to protect Olivia, and no amount of pathetic revelations would ever hurt him enough to outweigh his desire to take care of her. Sucking in air that felt cold and sharp in his lungs, he nodded with closed eyes and admitted something he feared was completely true. "Yeah. It's all me." He forced his eyes to open, trying to gauge Cragen's response as he added a complete lie into the mix to muddy the waters somewhat. "Liv doesn't have any fucking clue and she wouldn't come near me if she did."

Fin couldn't pretend to not hear anymore and started backing away, trying his best to fade into invisibility. For all that the other two noticed, he could have dressed up like a clown and sung Mr. Roboto.

Cragen's eyes softened, considering for the first time that the relationship he'd done his damnedest not to see for the past few years had perhaps never existed except in his head. "Go home. I'll call you as soon as I find anything out." He waved at Fin several times before he finally caught his attention. "Fin, take Elliot home."

Fin grimaced, preferring to stay as far out of the personal lives of his coworkers as he could and feeling that going to their houses was way too intimate, except in emergencies. "Don't tell me I gotta make sure he stays there."

Cragen shook his head, keeping his eyes locked on Elliot's. "You're not going to be missing when IAB comes to look for you, are you?"

He hated IAB. But he hated the idea he'd be cut out of the loop and unable to help his partner even more. "I'll be there. I'll be at work at six. There's no chance in hell I'm going to be out of contact until Olivia tells me to fuck off."

Fin couldn't help the grin that popped up. "Didn't she tell you that tonight?"

Elliot's eyes darted to him, angry that he'd finally decided to join in. "She might have been talking to Dani."

Cragen took in a sharp breath and rolled his eyes. "Five hours is not enough time before I have to see you people."

Fin nodded toward his car. "Let's go. Don't give me shit, all right?"

Elliot followed mutely, his acquiescence the closest he could get to agreeing. He kept quiet as he climbed into the car, folding Olivia's coat on his lap, directing Fin to his apartment. His legs were heavy as he found his way to his couch, knowing his bedroom was just too far to go. He thought about stripping out of the clothes he'd been in for so long, but he couldn't. He hated to think of how he'd been completely dressed while he'd fucked Liv, but he had to acknowledge that her scent lingered heavily on them, having been pressed so intimately against her. He couldn't bear to remove them, to lose the link that he had to having touched her.

He wondered if the others had been as aware of her scent on him as he was. He could recognize her scent anywhere, especially the narcotic-like effects it had on him. He questioned anyone else knew it so well. It was much stronger than normal to him because as much time as he typically spent with her, he rarely was in physical contact with her and certainly never so much for so long. Of course, he was pretty sure he was more sensitive to the lingering presence of his partner than anyone else would be. What was so painfully obvious to him might have passed unnoticed by Fin and Cragen.

Sometimes over the years, he'd thought about the insanely delicious way she smelled, the way it had driven him crazy for years, the way he'd always been hesitant to wash the clothes that smelled of her, even when he'd been married. More than once, he'd decided her scent was some sort of pheromone, something meant for him, something only he could pick up.

Maybe that was why he'd been drawn back to the crib when he'd thought she was sleeping. Because she hadn't been and perhaps her body had been calling out for him, knowing that his body would answer, even if he didn't know why he was.

He pressed her jacket to his nose, inhaling her scent deeply, closing his eyes to fully focus on the memory of being inside her. His body responded immediately, growing so hard so fast that he felt like a damn twelve-year-old, and he half expected he'd come in his pants. Still, he refused the instinct to reach for himself, knowing that he deserved no pleasure at the thought of her, not until she told him it was ok. When she was back and safe and if she wanted him to get off at the thought of her taut body stretching around him, then he would let himself. Not a minute sooner.

Uncomfortable and unhappy and thinking of his partner, with whom he was exactly in tune as usual although neither knew it, he drifted off into a nightmare filled sleep.