T Minus 6 Days, cont'd
Elliot scrubbed his hands over his face as he entered the bullpen. Without even looking, he could feel eyes on him, staring at him expectantly, waiting for him to exhibit the sort of behavior that would justify them treating him like a perp.
He sure as hell felt like one.
Probably because he damn well could be one.
And the suits from IAB hovering at his desk didn't really help the situation much. Wincing, he looked down and realized for the first time that he looked like a perp, or perhaps more accurately, like something a perp's cat dragged in. The only part of his appearance that he'd paid any attention to was his bloody arms, in so doing he'd put on a wrinkled suit, a dirty shirt, and topped it all off with a stained tie. He thought maybe it was for the best. He hardly looked like someone capable of overpowering Olivia and carting her off against her will.
Of course, the thought hit home, nearly causing him to double over as he realized he quite obviously was someone who was capable of overpowering Olivia. Obviously because he had overpowered Olivia.
He pondered what it would mean for his credibility if he fell onto all fours and vomited until he passed out. Maybe he was capable of rape. But not intentionally. He could never hurt Olivia intentionally. Never.
Still thinking he was going to be sick, he barely noticed when his captain stepped between him and the suits. "My office, Stabler." He turned to the men and pointed them toward the interrogation rooms. "You can wait another five minutes."
Thankful for what little mercy he'd found in the older man, Elliot thought about hugging him. In the end, he just crumbled into one of the empty seats and waited for whatever he was about to get blamed for.
"Do you want a union rep? I can hold them off until someone gets here." Cragen was trying to appear unnerved, in his typical style, but his eyes revealed intense concern about the state of the man in front of him.
Elliot shook his head. "Do you really think I abducted my partner?"
Cragen stifled a smile. "If she'd claimed someone tried to strangle her, that I might have thought was you, but kidnapping? Doesn't really seem like your style."
Suddenly too tired to hold his head up, he slumped down in the chair, letting his head fall backwards until he was staring at the ceiling. "Do they really think I hurt her?"
Cragen shrugged, knowing full well Elliot wasn't looking at him. Hell, he wasn't even sure that Elliot was listening to him. "I'm hoping to get some information from Crime Scene soon. Then at least we might have an idea of what we're working with."
Elliot's posture didn't change, nor did he give any indication that he'd heard.
With a tired sigh, Cragen continued. "I'm going to call her brother this morning, unless you want to do it."
Elliot shrugged. "I have his number somewhere. But what the hell would you want me to tell him? 'Hey, your sister is missing and I might have her, but I just wanted to let you know?'"
"I'll get it out of her file."
Sitting up and trying to ignore the headache caused by the sudden rush of blood out of his head, he fixed his eyes on his boss. "I know everyone has me tried and convicted because I'm an asshole, especially when it comes to treating her like shit, but please tell me someone is doing something to find her besides waiting for me to confess."
"You just worry about getting your name cleared." Cragen's eyes shifted to one of the IAB officers who'd come back to look for his suspect. "It's not personal, not this time."
Elliot rolled his eyes, completely unconvinced. "They've been trying to nail me for something for years. Now that Olivia's not here to defend me, they'll probably succeed."
"You're the closest person to her, Elliot. If you weren't a cop, we'd have questioned you already. You're a cop, so IAB gets the honors."
"I'm the closest person to her." He closed his eyes as the words, heavy with meaning, rolled around in his brain. It was a statement that he'd need several whiskeys to really understand. "That's fucking messed up."
"If you want a union rep, you'd better tell me now because they're chomping at the bit to get at you."
Elliot shook his head. He always thought hiding behind a lawyer made suspects look guilty. And even if it was only to protect himself, it would only slow everything down. The faster he dealt with IAB, the better because he could get out there to look for Liv himself.
The two men stood up, Elliot unhappily leading the way toward interrogation for the suit who wouldn't dare turn his back, while Cragen addressed Lake and Fin.
"Find that asshole who was in here threatening her."
Lake spoke up, unaware that Elliot and IAB had stopped and were listening. "You mean the one Elliot threatened to kill?"
Elliot couldn't find the strength to even roll his eyes. But that didn't stop him from feeling several pairs of eyes turning toward him.
Cragen let out a deep breath and swore he wouldn't shoot one of his detectives while IAB was there to witness it. "Elliot, what was his name?"
"Dr. Phil? Carney? Cartley? Something like that. One of his cards is in my desk." He barely finished the statement before Cragen was pawing through his stuff.
Finding the business card, Cragen held it out to Fin. "Bring in Dr. Phil."
Lake looked among the faces eagerly. "Seriously?"
Fin smacked the back of his partner's head again. "Dumbass."
The meeting with IAB was surprisingly less stressful than he had anticipated. Perhaps it was because his emotions had all but burned out during his early morning shower. Perhaps it was because Cragen had been right about it not being personal. Perhaps it was because Elliot's temper didn't get the best of him even when they asked pointed questions in decidedly suspicious tones.
Elliot wondered if he should make a note that the only thing he'd ever found that was able to keep his outbursts in check was fear for Olivia's life. He figured she'd probably get a kick out of it since she'd been trying to figure out how to keep him from flying off the handle at any point in time for years. Rather than being defensive or refusing to answer or threatening the officers, Elliot was quiet, calmly answering their questions. He was almost proud of himself for how quickly he was able to convince them that he was such a mild-mannered, easy-going guy that he would never get upset enough to hurt anyone, let alone his partner.
Except he couldn't be proud of himself for anything, not with the cloud of abhorrence surrounding him. He hated himself for what he'd done to her, for the chance he'd hurt her, and he wouldn't let himself off the hook for anything until he saw her again, until she told him that she didn't hate him, until she told him he hadn't been wrong in those few, short seconds when he'd determined she didn't want him to stop. Even if he had been wrong, even if he had hurt her, he still wanted the chance to see her, to apologize, to beg for her forgiveness, to explain that he'd truly never, ever meant to hurt her.
Cragen, on the other hand, was smiling like a proud new papa when Elliot and the IAB suits emerged from the interrogation room, especially when the latter only nodded respectfully at Cragen on their way out. Steering Elliot back into his office rather than letting him collapse at his own desk, Cragen cleared his throat. "Three hours and I didn't hear a single raised voice."
Elliot could only gape. He had no idea three hours had gone by. It had only felt like fifteen minutes. Half hour at the most. But that line of thought immediately led to him wondering how long that very same stretch of time had felt like to Olivia and what her condition was during those three hours and how badly she'd been hurt before, during, and after them. By the time he started to fear she wasn't even still alive, there were tears rolling down his face. He despised himself for being so selfish to not think about her and be aware of every single second that passed while she was at the mercy of some unknown assailant.
"Jesus, Elliot." Cragen thrust a box of tissues at the man, completely unsure of how to handle a sobbing Detective Stabler. All the other moods, he knew how to handle, but tears were beyond his capabilities. "What happened in there?"
Elliot shrugged, his emotions overwhelming him beyond words. Somewhere in the back of his mind he knew he should, and undoubtedly would, be mortified about blubbering in front of Cragen, but he couldn't quite make himself care. Sniffling and wiping at his eyes much like he'd often seen his children do over skinned knees, he tried to get himself together enough to speak. He swallowed the lump in his throat and fairly choked on the words. "I need to know she's ok." In truth, he needed to know a hell of a lot more, but he settled for anything at all that made sense.
Cragen put aside any concerned tendencies he might normally show as a fellow human and instead focused his eyes off to the left somewhere, keeping his sobbing detective out of his line of sight. He'd given them a thousand warnings, ignored painfully obvious signs of their bizarre relationship, turned his head when their interactions indicated a clearly personal and probably sexual side to their partnership. But he couldn't find a way around a relationship they so obviously wanted him to see. He didn't know if it was unconscious, maybe a way for them to get reprimanded for something they knew was wrong, or if it was simply that they didn't know how blatant their affection for one another was. No matter the cause, as their captain, as someone who cared about both of them and their careers, he had to stop it – either the relationship or the partnership. While he knew that either choice would be devastating to his squad, the problem was that he honestly didn't know which one would be more devastating to them.
Clearing his throat, he glanced at Elliot and appreciated that he was at least trying to pull himself together. "I put my ass on the line to get this case assigned to my squad. Don't make me regret that."
Elliot nodded, understanding that Cragen was giving him a lot of slack under the circumstances, but yet not quite able to believe he couldn't have stood some more. He went to glance at his watch, except that he hadn't bothered to put it on. Hours had slipped past while he was in with IAB and he hadn't noticed them, however, his body felt heavy and exhausted as though it was keeping better track of the time. When his eyes finally found the clock on the office wall, he was disappointed to see it wasn't even lunch time yet. He'd never known time to seem to move so fast and so slow simultaneously.
He turned back to Cragen, realizing that he'd been speaking. Elliot knew Cragen wasn't kidding about having to kiss ass to get the disappearance of one of his detectives investigated by his squad and he therefore knew Cragen wouldn't hesitate to reprimand or suspend him. He didn't want to upset his boss by calling attention to the fact that he wasn't able to pay attention for five minutes straight, but he didn't see any way around it since Cragen had stopped talking and was awaiting an answer. Elliot narrowed his eyes and searched his memory to come up with something he might have picked up. He came up with a blank. Finally, he shook his head. "I'm sorry, I missed something."
Cragen let out a disappointed sigh. "I can't ignore it this time." He shook his head sadly. "Not anymore."
Swallowing hard, Elliot knew exactly what Cragen was talking about. He thought he'd bought them some time by admitting the feelings were one-sided, but apparently such a debasing statement wasn't worth much in the way of time. "I don't care. I just need to find her."
Cragen held his stare for a long, silent moment before he nodded. "Ok, but when you do, one of you has to go."
Elliot didn't need to think about his response. "I'll go." His voice dropped lower, as though to keep his explanation between them. "She needs this."
"Don't make a rash decision. You two need to talk about it." Cragen took a deep breath, loathe to voice the rest, loathe to even think about the implication. "She might feel differently about it after this."
It took all of Elliot's consciousness to block the suggestion from his mind, to ignore the undeniable truth in the captain's words, to refuse to comprehend that his partner wasn't going to be able to handle rape cases anymore, not after she was a victim herself. He shook his head again, pushing away any thoughts of the kind. "She needs this, cap." Looking up, he believed he found some sympathy in the other man's eyes. "I need her."
A sharp rap on the glass of the door called their attention to Munch, who waited for a sign before he pushed the door open slightly. "Crime lab just called. There's good news and bad news. Which do you want first?"
Cragen wanted to strangle the man; he couldn't imagine how Elliot was suppressing the urge. "Damn it, Sergeant, this isn't the time."
Munch nodded, glancing nervously at Elliot who would have no trouble closing the two feet of empty space separating them if he didn't like what he heard. "Well, the good news is that the blood at the scene wasn't Liv's." He smiled slightly at Elliot, seeing him visibly relax. "Wasn't even human, apparently there's a bleeding Fido out there somewhere." His glance slid to his boss for a moment before settling back on Elliot. "Bad news is that, among a few thousand prints they pulled and the few they were already able to run, Liv's were on the dumpster."
Cragen responded first. "Maybe she was throwing something away." He knew he was reaching, especially with her coat, which even he knew she carried like a security blanket, and her subsequent disappearance.
Elliot shook his head, somehow finding comfort in the meaningless, pathetic details he knew about his partner's civilian life. "Her dumpster's behind the building."
Munch shrugged, satisfied he wasn't about to get hit for the time being. "Something made her go down that alley, right? Maybe our bleeding Fido."
"She doesn't even like dogs." Elliot shook his head again. "Besides, Olivia wouldn't have stopped to help a bleeding baby last night."
"No, she just wouldn't have stopped to help a bleeding Elliot last night." Munch backed up a little when Elliot's eyes turned dark. "We all heard her tell you where to shove it last night."
"All right, that's enough." Cragen started to wonder if it was that his whole team needed to be replaced or if he had missed the boat to retire. He nodded at Munch. "Go find someone else to bait. Elliot, I want you checking recent prison releases for anyone who might have a grudge."
Instinct rather than thought made him scoff at the assignment. "How about every prick we ever put away?"
Cragen wasn't about to be swayed. "If you want to be anywhere near this case, you're doing it my way. Now, I doubt every prick you've ever put away has just been released, but just in case, I want a list."
Nodding, Elliot pulled himself to his feet and shuffled to his desk. He knew Cragen's suggestion was legitimate, that the odds were infinitely better that someone had specifically targeted Olivia, but he wasn't big on the research aspect of his job. He was better at intimidating people, outwitting them in interrogation, throwing the well-deserved punch. He could stare at his computer for hours and it wouldn't blink. He doubted hitting it would help either.
Before the machine booted up, Fin and Lake returned, dragging a loudly unhappy Dr. Phil between them in handcuffs. Cragen and Elliot both stood to meet Fin while Lake dragged their catch into the other room.
Fin grimaced at them, offering a shrug. "Son of a bitch has an alibi that three people were able to back up. Made us run all over town to check it."
Cragen looked confused as he glanced in the direction of the interrogation room. "Then why-"
Fin shrugged again. "Guy pisses me off. And he hit Liv. I figured we should give him a little refresher about not hitting women, in case he forgot what Elliot told him."
Elliot found himself smiling at Fin, pleased the man was showing such loyalty to Olivia, which he knew she wouldn't be so quick to reward. They shared a small nod, sharing an understanding of the desire to protect her, whether she wanted it or not.
Cragen, on the other hand, was beginning to question his ability to read his people. He would have chastised Elliot for running someone in just to fuck with him over Olivia's honor; now he had another pair of detectives who knew full well they had no reason to bring the guy in except that they didn't like the way he'd treated Olivia. Annoyed, he pretended he hadn't heard a word Fin said, if only to avoid the paperwork that would come with acknowledging that he had. He turned to Elliot instead. "You were working on a list for me, right?"
Elliot headed back to his desk and got to work, promising himself that despite his irritation with researching anything he was doing something useful to help Olivia. Every time he caught himself looking at the clock, wishing the day would go by faster so he could go home, he would think of Olivia and wish time would stop instead so that she wouldn't have to suffer.
Of course the thought of her suffering brought up thoughts of what she could possibly be suffering from which in turn brought up two cups of coffee and his lunch before he realized that running to the bathroom every five minutes was going to get him booted right off the case. Only allowing himself water from that point on, and refusing to consider that Olivia wasn't being allowed that tiny indulgence, he had compiled a list of seventeen names for Cragen by the end of the day. He'd even gone so far as to make some notes on why they were of particular interest before he presented the report to his boss.
Cragen looked over the list carefully, seeming quite impressed with Elliot's ability to concentrate when he needed to. He set the list to the side of his blotter and looked up at Elliot. "Good work. We'll start checking these out first thing tomorrow."
Elliot's mouth fell open. "Why not now?" He saw no reason to leave Olivia waiting for one second longer than she needed to. Motioning at the officers left in the squad room, he stared his boss down. "These people are just sitting here doing nothing."
"You need to go home, Elliot." Cragen knew who was where and what they were doing. That was his job and he was damn good at it. He also knew what his team needed, often better than they did. "We're going to find her and when we do, she's going to need you."
Elliot searched his eyes, sensing there was an accusation there, yet unable to find it. "So? Think she'll need me less if we take longer to find her?"
"You're not going to be much good to her if you're sick from exhaustion or if you get yourself beat up stalking ex-cons." Walking around the desk, he put his hand on Elliot's shoulder and prodded him toward the elevator. "You're not the only person working on this. Get some rest. Maybe we'll find her tonight."
Elliot's feet stopped dead in their tracks at the thought. "I should be there. I need to be there when you find her." His eyes closed, fighting the instant emotional response to the idea of what she might have already faced in the twenty-four hours since she'd been taken. "If she was- I mean, if someone-" He tried to swallow. He tried to cough. He tried to breathe. Nothing was working.
"We know how to do our jobs, Elliot. There's no unit better prepared to deal with it, if that's the situation." Cragen knew his words would do little to comfort the man who'd broken down in tears twice in front of him and had run out of the room countless times during the day.
"But she'll want me. She'll want to see me. She won't want anyone seeing her like that. It'll be bad enough if it's me, but you or Fin or-"
"I'll call you if we get any solid leads. You have my word." His word meant little, considering that he already knew he'd only call the younger man if Elliot appeared able to handle it. Cragen knew that Elliot's shaky emotional state would only serve to worsen any lingering fear Olivia might have.
Elliot nodded. "She'll be ok. We'll find her and she'll be fine." His words repeated, soft and continuously, as the elevator doors separated him from his boss. He had to keep telling himself that she would be fine because he had to believe that she would be fine because she had to be fine.
If she wasn't, he didn't know what he'd do.
