T Minus 5 Days, cont'd

Huang led the way outside, turning slightly as he descended the stairs. "Would you like to get coffee?"

Elliot's stomach, having been antagonized already by the coffee-aspirin combo, threatened to leave him altogether. "This isn't a date."

Smiling, Huang shook his head in agreement. "No, it's not."

"So stop trying to make me comfortable." Psychiatrists always thought making people relax would make them spill their guts. They never quite seemed to understand that Elliot could only relax when it was clear that no one was trying to make him spill his guts. Kathy was a prime example of that; she'd never stopped trying to make him talk about his feelings which got her nowhere. He almost mentioned that, except bringing up Kathy was a bad idea. He didn't want to talk about Kathy. He didn't want to talk about anything, but he really didn't want to talk about Kathy.

"Am I making you uncomfortable?" Huang gave every impression that he was intently focused on Elliot's face, but he managed to side step a woman who tried to barrel him over with a stroller-shaped battering ram.

"No." Elliot scanned the area, looking for a place to sit. He wasn't feeling up to a rush hour stroll through the city. Hell, he'd barely gotten to work with the way he felt.

Huang smiled slightly, turning the corner. "Then why would I need to make you comfortable?"

Making himself a seat on a brick fence, Elliot didn't answer. He wasn't in the mood for mind games. Normally he was afraid he'd lose against Huang, but that wasn't the issue. He wouldn't care if he lost. He just didn't want to play.

Huang sat a few feet away, waiting until it was clear that Elliot wasn't going to start unprompted. He studied the other man for a moment, trying to figure out some sort of way to approach the gaping hole in Elliot's armor without setting him on the defensive. A hint of a smile graced his features. "Olivia is quite resourceful and very strong."

As Huang expected, Elliot's face softened a bit at the compliment of his partner. "Yeah, she is. I've never known anyone as strong as her."

"Yet you were quick to assume the worst when you were talking to Don this morning."

And of course, at the idea of the worst, Elliot's face closed up as he attempted to shrink back behind his wounded wall. "Cragen should have said something. He knew what I'd think when he called me into his office and didn't say anything about Liv."

Huang nodded, turning Elliot's words on him. "He should have known it would upset you." Elliot stayed quiet, tensing with the idea that something was coming he wouldn't like. "How would he know that?"

Mentally slapping himself, Elliot sighed. Two sentences and he'd backed himself into a corner. Olivia would have laughed at him for it; she was the queen of talking in circles. She could make Huang dizzy with the circles she could talk. The spark of pride was immediately vanquished by the stab of pain. He swallowed hard and figured he didn't have shit to lose, not without Olivia at his side. "Because he knows how I feel about her."

"And how would he know that?"

"The same fucking way you do." Irritated at himself and Huang and the world, Elliot stood up, pacing in a small square on the sidewalk. A moment later he sat back down on the wall. "I told him."

Huang smiled, seeming unduly pleased with the revelation. "I'm surprised."

"I only did it to keep him from –" The words he'd heard clicked slowly in his mind and he realized they made no sense. "What are you surprised about?"

"That you told Don." Huang shrugged. "I didn't think you had any conscious idea how you feel about her."

"Well I do." He didn't feel compelled to point out that he'd only just figured it the fuck out; Huang apparently already knew everything anyway.

"And how do you feel about her?" Huang's eyes were on Elliot's face, carefully analyzing and measuring every nuance of his expression.

Elliot hoped that would make him fully appreciate the irritation in his glare. "I'm not in the mood to play games here. We both know – hell, the whole fucking world knows how I feel about her."

Huang's voice was softer, yet determined when he answered. "There's a big difference between feeling something and admitting something. I think it's important for you to understand there's nothing wrong with admitting your feelings for Olivia."

Elliot chuckled. "Tell that to Cragen."

"I didn't say it was appropriate."

"Fuck you." He crossed his arms over his chest, trying to tamp down the explosion he could feel building only because he suspected it would make his head hurt more to scream. He turned to face Huang, staring him down. "I fucking love her, ok? Does that make it all better? Is that what I have to say before I can be left the fuck alone? Can someone do something to try and find her now that I admit that I'm in love with my fucking partner?"

He stood up, the anger causing a surge of energy that refused to let him remain still. "I love her and she's out there, taken by some god damn murdering raping son of a bitch and maybe fucking dead and all anyone fucking cares about is how I feel." He leaned down in Huang's face, pleased with the surprise and momentary distress his bulky presence caused the smaller man. "How the fuck do you think she feels right now? Why doesn't anyone care about that?"

Realizing quickly the cause of Elliot's rage, Huang waited for his tirade to abate. It wasn't about him or Cragen or anyone's feelings. Elliot was pissed off that someone had taken Olivia, that someone was hurting her, and mostly that he couldn't help her. When the air had silenced, Huang met Elliot's eyes. "I think she's scared. Maybe she's hurting." He didn't miss Elliot's involuntary wince at the obvious. "But I personally think her biggest worry is probably about you."

Elliot's mouth opened, but no words came out.

Huang nodded to reassure him. "Olivia is no better than you are about hiding her feelings." He stopped to smile. "Except possibly from you. She'll be worried about how hard you're going to take her disappearance, most likely. She'll be worried that you'll make yourself sick worrying about her."

That really had never occurred to him. "As long as I find her, why would she care how sick I make myself?"

Huang looked disappointed, as though Elliot should have already known the answer. "Because she cares about you."

Spent, Elliot dropped back into his makeshift seat and shook his head. "You might have been right before." He ruefully considered how useful that information might have been had he received it before she'd left the precinct that night. "But not anymore. She hates me. Ask anyone who saw her leave that night."

Huang's smile faded, but it was clear his mood hadn't changed at all. "I'm pretty sure there's no way to make her hate you."

Elliot squeezed his eyes closed, hating that he'd done it again, followed down the path led by someone trying to make him reveal personal details that he didn't want to reveal, and yet still hadn't seen it coming. He'd thought the bullshit about loving her had been the goal; no, the whammy was getting him to talk about his guilt, about why she hated him, about what he'd done to make her hate him. And that wasn't something he would ever be ready to talk about. Not with Huang. Not with Cragen. Not with his priest. Fuck, even St. Peter and his Pearly fucking Gates were getting the silent treatment regarding that issue.

"She does. Trust me on that."

He was hooked, just as Elliot had known he would be. "I'd be more likely to believe you if you told me the world was flat."

Elliot shrugged. "Maybe it is."

"Why do you think she hates you? Did she say something that made you think that?" The psychiatrist's stare was intense. Elliot started to wonder if that stare wouldn't read the words right through his skull without him having to say it aloud.

"She told me to go fuck myself. Everyone heard her." He hated thinking about it. He hated remembering how he'd had to get rid of Dani that night. He hated the way he'd wasted time before he chased Olivia. If he'd followed her, if he'd walked away from Dani and paid attention to the only thing that mattered to him, maybe she wouldn't have wound up missing. She'd been right to hate him; what happened to her was his fault.

Huang nodded, clearly amused at the idea of the words leaving her mouth. "Olivia expressing anger toward you and Olivia hating you aren't the same thing. You should know. You've certainly gotten mad at Olivia before, haven't you?"

"Of course I have, but this was different."

"How so?"

"It just is." He couldn't do it. He couldn't face the idea of admitting that; he could barely grasp the concept of talking about it with Olivia if he ever got the chance.

"What is?" Huang was like a dog with a bone, not about to let anyone get it away from him.

"Look, she hates me. She's missing and she hates me. It doesn't matter why. It doesn't matter how I feel about her. We'll be fine to discuss how we do or don't feel about each other as soon as someone finds her." His eyes lifted to the sky, to the clouds that were blocking the sun while still allowing it to be so bright his eyes hurt.

He remembered when he was little, thinking dead people went to heaven in the clouds and looked down at everyone alive. He remembered the first time he got on a plane, he'd been five-years-old, going to his great-grandmother's funeral. He'd been so terribly disappointed there were no angels up there after all. It almost made him feel better to know that Olivia, if she was dead, wasn't up there looking down at him. Except he couldn't feel better thinking that Olivia was dead. He couldn't deal with that.

"What if no one finds her? Or worse, what if your fears this morning come true?" Huang's mind-reading talents were probably lost on most people because of his insight into human behavior, but Elliot recognized them. He didn't appreciate them one bit, but he knew there were there.

"You mean what if she's dead?" He could barely force the words through his brain; the struggle to voice them was nearly lost in his hoarse whisper. But Huang heard, or maybe divined, them and nodded. "Then it doesn't really matter, does it?"

"Your feelings will still matter."

"Not to her." It wasn't a concept he wanted to dwell on, not when he knew the result would invariably be him committing suicide and leaving his children with that burden.

"Her feelings will still matter to you." Huang meant for his words to be encouraging, to convince Elliot to open up.

But Elliot only realized the horror of having to live, however short that time period might be, without ever apologizing to her. The guilt grew tenfold, falling down around him like a curtain. He wasn't sure anymore if he could wait to find out what happened to her, how she was, if she hated him; he wanted to die first. His face dropped into his hands, his elbows supported on his legs. He couldn't take it. He couldn't fucking take anymore.

"Elliot, you'll feel better if you talk about it." Huang was using his soft, understanding tone and it got under Elliot's skin.

Even so, he didn't have the strength to rant and threaten, he just tried to keep breathing, sucking in gulps of air as often as he could to keep from bursting into tears in the middle of the street.

And suddenly, Huang's voice was closer, a supportive hand on his shoulder. "You're hyperventilating, Elliot." Elliot forced his head up, confused and shocked at the suggestion, realizing a bit too late that Huang would see the panic and anguish and pain written on his face. "You need to tell me what happened. It will help alleviate the guilt you're feeling. Then you'll be strong enough to help look for Olivia. You want that, don't you?" Elliot nodded, not even aware that a few tears had slipped out regardless of his efforts. "Get it off your chest. Let it out."

Shaking his head, Elliot put his face back in his hands. He wanted to let it out, he did. He wanted to confess it to Olivia, to admit to her that he knew he'd made a mistake, to leave it in her hands to forgive him.

Huang's gently encouragement continued, urging him to spill it all. "Elliot, tell me what you could have done to make Olivia hate you. You're her partner. She'd give her life to save yours, you know that."

Elliot swallowed hard and nodded, choking out a few words. "I do know that."

"It doesn't make any sense that she would hate you. Tell me what could have been so bad. Explain it to me."

There was something about his voice, about the way that he was trying to tear Elliot apart with soft words, about the way Huang really believed that he couldn't have done anything so bad as to make Olivia hate him, about the way that the brilliant, omnipotent psychiatrist could be so mistaken about his character. It made him nuts. It made him want to scream.

It broke him.

His eyes were cold and hard when he looked up, his face lacking any emotion, his mind numbing him against the horror of the words. "I fucked her."

He stared at the stunned man, watching him squirm. He wondered how it felt for Huang to suddenly to be in the other set of shoes. Huang covered the shock on his face quickly, but his lengthy pause gave Elliot a fair clue as to how unprepared Huang had truly been for the declaration. Elliot would have enjoyed the moment, except there was nothing pleasurable about his admission.

Huang finally took a seat on the wall once again. "I'm still not sure that I understand." He swallowed hard. "If you were intimate, I would think that indicates her feelings towards you are positive."

Elliot sighed heavily, not quite sure how clear he had to be. "I didn't say I bought her roses and took her to dinner and made love to her. Jesus Christ, I said I fucked her, ok?"

Huang nodded slowly. "Even so, the activity itself, however you choose to describe it, implies mutual feeling."

He closed his eyes, dropping his voice even lower. "You'd think so."

Huang's voice lowered as well, as though he didn't really want to ask. "Was it consensual?"

That was what it came down to in the end, Elliot realized. And then he realized he didn't have an answer. "I don't know."

That statement, finally, seemed to have an impact. A real, substantial impact.

Huang's face visibly paled as he searched Elliot's eyes. "Are you telling me you raped her?"

Elliot chewed on his lip, detesting the words even more hearing them from someone else. "Christ, I don't know. I hope not. We didn't talk about it. She wanted to talk to me, but we were at work, fuck, I couldn't do it then. I didn't know what the fuck to do. We'd been fighting for days. One minute we're yelling at each other and the next, Jesus, I just don't know, I was fucking her and then the one after that we were fucking arguing again. I really don't fucking know." He looked up briefly, scared to see hatred and disappointment and lack of understanding. "After she left, I was going to talk to her, I wanted to see her, I wanted to make sure she was ok, but she wasn't there. She was gone." His voice cracked, turning to a sob at the end. "Someone fucking grabbed her and I don't know if she was ok or not."

Huang was uncomfortable, something few people got to see, but Elliot's eyes didn't even notice. "Did you hurt her? Physically. I mean."

"I didn't hit her, but-" Swallowing hard, he wasn't sure how much detail he could get through before he was sick. "I meant it when I said I fucked her. I wasn't careful. I wasn't gentle. I didn't even give her a god damned chance to respond or tell me to stop or anything." The tears began running down his face and he honestly didn't care who saw them. Not with what he had to say. "I remember putting my hand over her mouth to keep her from screaming, but I don't know if it was because I was hurting her or if she was scared or if she was-" As he realized what he was saying, that it would be something he'd kill anyone for saying about her, he stopped himself. He couldn't speak the words, in case those violent clenches of her body had been a physical betrayal of her mind.

Huang's eyes were closed, but he nodded. "I understand."

Elliot's mouth fell open, immediately ready to strangle the other man for understanding how he might have raped his partner. It wasn't understandable. It wasn't excusable.

"What you were saying, I mean."

"Oh." The fists he hadn't realized he made released and he wiped at the moisture on his face. "I swear to god I didn't mean to hurt her. I don't even understand how I lost control like that."

"Can I ask what happened after? You said you fought again. What did she say?" Huang was trying to keep up the conversation, but Elliot was fairly certain he was sitting a little further away, as though the revelation that he might have done something so awful to someone he loved so much meant that his temper might get the best of him at any time and he might take out his anger on anyone.

And rather than making him feel better as Huang had implied would happen if he talked, Elliot felt the curtain of guilt surround him again. "She wanted me to stay there. She wanted to talk to me." He was such a shit. Really, he was too fucking horrible to live. "I refused. I told her to get herself together." The more he thought about it, the more came back that he'd blocked out in the time since. "I rolled my sleeves down to hide these." He pushed his sleeves up to display his torn skin.

"Those look fresh." Huang's observation was completely true; Elliot had hardly given his arms a chance to heal.

"I might have torn them open again." He looked at his arms, feeling the urge to do it again, to keep the physical pain going until it blocked the emotional totally.

Huang's eyes moved up, questioning and answering at the same time, seeming to know how Elliot had torn them open. "I wouldn't advise hurting yourself." He shrugged. "You should give her the opportunity to kill you while you're perfectly healthy if she wants."

Elliot nodded, knowing that, even though it wasn't meant literally, Huang's idea was right. "I covered up my arms and I opened the windows and then I, fuck, I – her lip was bleeding and I cleaned it up."

Huang winced. "How did her lip get cut?"

He couldn't bring himself to say it. He'd been able to reveal the rest, but he couldn't explain the feral, territorial anger that had overtaken him and caused him to bite into her beautiful mouth. "I don't want to talk about it. I didn't hit her." Taking Huang's nod, he continued. "Then I fixed her hair." He remembered combing his fingers through the soft strands, wanting to take the time to marvel at them while he cuddled with her in bed. But he hadn't. He hadn't thought there was time then; he hadn't known there wouldn't be time later. "I told her we had to get back to work. God, I'm such an ass. How the hell could I say that when she wanted to talk to me?"

Elliot stared at the brick under his legs and thought about smashing his head into it. It might dull the pain for the period he spent unconscious, but he didn't have the strength to move.

"I wouldn't think she'd want to talk to you if you'd raped her, Elliot." He spoke the words carefully, as though he was unsure of them.

"Maybe she wanted me to explain myself. Maybe she wanted me to say I was sorry." He knew Olivia was too strong to let rape, even by him, destroy her. She'd probably want an explanation. She'd probably want him to beg for mercy before she blew his fucking kneecaps off.

"But you didn't talk. So you walked away?" Huang had apparently gotten over his personal feelings and was back to being his normal inquisitive self.

Nodding, Elliot continued to contemplate the brick. He was thinking he might be able to hit it hard enough to knock himself out, yet not cause any permanent damage. At least that way, Olivia could still enjoy killing him while he was healthy. And then he started to wonder if he would dream while he was unconscious. If he would, it wouldn't be worth it. Unless he dreamed of the way her mouth fit against his, the way her tongue felt in his mouth. He'd forgotten about the kiss, the way she'd let him hold her

"I kissed her. Before I left, I kissed her." He hadn't given himself time to really remember the rest; he'd gotten stuck at the memory of how he'd fucked her every time he'd dared recall it. He'd never let himself think about the way they'd left it, at least, the way they'd left it before it had taken a detour around Dani. "We were going to talk about it after work. She wanted to do that."

Huang smiled, actually having a hint of a blush color his cheeks. "Doesn't sound so much like force to me anymore." He cocked his head to the side. "How did you end up fighting again?"

"When I got back to my desk, Dani Beck was there." Elliot bit his lip, wishing that he could go back and change that moment for the millionth time. "And then Olivia came back and saw her and got pissed off."

Huang's eyes widened a bit, as though he'd never expected Elliot was a lothario. "And it upset Olivia because you and Dani were-" He raised his eyebrows and waited for Elliot to fill in the blank.

But he shook his head. "They were just rumors. But I never thought she even heard them, let alone believed them. I was going to tell her when I followed her."

"So your partner, with whom you've quite literally just begun a tenuous intimate relationship sees you talking to a woman she believes is your ex-girlfriend and starts an argument and then gets kidnapped before you can apologize." Huang shook his head, finding pity for Elliot's predicament.

"I've got fan-fucking-tastic timing, don't I?"

Huang nodded, a rare grin crossing his face. "I think you two are long overdue for a serious talk."

The light feeling of the moment faded as Elliot turn to meet Huang's eyes. "You really don't think I hurt her? I didn't mean to. I would never intentionally hurt her, but what if-"

Huang shook his head, cutting off Elliot's words. "Not if what you told me is true. I don't think a conscious Detective Benson would have allowed you to walk away if you'd hurt her. In fact, I think-"

"I'd have a hole in my head if I had."

Huang nodded. "That sounds about right." He smiled. "Although, she might have castrated you first."

Elliot chuckled at the thought, recognizing the spunk and ferocity of his partner in Huang's words. He wanted to see her, to tell her, provided he ever found the courage to admit he'd talked to Huang about it. And then he remembered why he couldn't. Any good vibes left him as he hung his head. "What the hell am I supposed to do without her?"

Huang stood up. "I wouldn't give up on her, Elliot. I meant it when I said she was strong." He started back toward the precinct.

"She's not invincible." It was a hard thing for him to realize. She'd made it through so many things unscathed that he'd started to wonder if she was bulletproof. But there was evidence that she wasn't, no matter how much she'd survived in her past.

"I think you're strong too and I think if anyone's going to find her, it's you." Huang let his somber face convey how serious his words were meant to be. "This experience will be hard for her. I don't know what she's going through or what she'll have to go through, but she'll need support to get over it. She might need to borrow some of your strength."

Elliot wasn't sure how he was still breathing, let alone standing upright. He certainly didn't have any strength for himself. But he could probably scrounge some up for Olivia if she needed it. "She can have anything she wants from me."

As they neared the front doors, Elliot stopped walking. "Look, I, uh-" He hated needing help. He hated accepting help. And he hated admitting that he'd needed and accepted help by being thankful, but he couldn't let Huang's counsel go without a word. Huang had been right about letting it out and Elliot was pretty sure he deserved to hear it. "I really appreciate you listening like this."

Huang nodded and offered a smile. "Anytime, Elliot."

Elliot nodded, refusing to think about ever getting to another point where things were so messed up that he'd need to talk to him again. But then, he'd thought that before. There was no point in burning any bridges. "But you might need to join the witness protection program when Olivia finds out what I told you."

Huang laughed. "Are you going to tell her?"

"I couldn't keep it from her. It wouldn't be right for her not to know that you know about-" He was afraid of how she'd react, but he was excited at the prospect that she'd be home, safe and sound, when he told her. "Not that I'm particularly looking forward to it."

"Well, I won't say a word. I'll leave that to you." Huang turned to leave.

"Thanks, doc. I mean it." He climbed the steps feeling a renewed desire to help the investigation. It would be much easier without the millstone of guilt holding him down.