JENNIE
Turning forty isn't so terrible after all. I have a glass of champagne in my hand, the poolside looks spectacular, I feel good about how I look, and I'm actually really enjoying catching up with friends and acquaintances. Last year, I couldn't have imagined feeling so happy turning forty, but I do now. The flamenco music is upbeat, my guests are having a good time, I have my beloved children here and Lisa will arrive soon. I can't think of a single reason why I would still hide my feelings for her from the outside world, because with the support of my kids, I can handle anything.
I feel like a new person and that the future is full of possibilities, that I'll grab whatever it holds. Before I met Lisa, I was a depressed, divorced mother without any direction in life. Now, I'm Jennie Kim, a confident and happy woman whose glass is half-full instead of half-empty. I'm on good terms with my ex-husband and we have two wonderful kids who genuinely care about us. Three days a week, I volunteer at Camp Rubin. I'm a hobby photographer and I'm not bad if I say so myself. I feel incredibly close to my housekeeper who is the most kind and loyal woman in the world, and to Chahee, my friend who confides only in me and vice versa. I like yoga, long walks on the beach, a glass of wine during sunset and my mother thankfully lives on another continent because she may or may not accept what I've recently learned: I'm gay and in love with Lisa.
"You look like you're having a good night," Mark says when we get a moment alone. He was quiet when he first arrived, but the champagne has loosened him up. I suppose the fact that I've been so chilled has helped too; we've caught up with James and Maddie and even had some laughs together. "I'm sorry Yeji couldn't come." He chuckles. "I mean, not that you would care if she's here or not, but I really appreciate the fact that she's welcome. Thank you."
"That's okay. I hope that maybe some time in the future, we can occasionally get together with all of us, including Yeji," I'm surprised to hear myself say. "I don't want there to be any awkwardness between us."
Mark's eyes almost pop out of his sockets at hearing this. "Are you serious, Jennie?"
"Yeah. Don't you think it would be nice? You, me, Lisa, Lily, Yeji, Ella, James, your future baby… I don't mean we should be one, big happy family. But perhaps just for our kids' birthdays and maybe Thanksgiving."
"Of course, that would be fantastic," he says, swallowing hard. He's always been sentimental, and I know this past year has taken a toll on him too. To leave your wife, to abandon the woman you promised to be loyal to for the rest of your life, must have had a pretty hefty impact in the guilt department. Now that there's redemption at the end of a long, dark tunnel, he looks five years younger.
As I lift my glass to take a drink, something in my line of vision alerts me. Someone who makes my pulse race. I think I sensed her presence before I saw her. She's wearing black slacks and a white shirt; simple but elegant and sexy in an understated way and her hair is styled playfully, one dark lock falling over her eyebrow. Suddenly, two days without her seems like a lifetime and I can't wait to hold her. I'm as ready as I'll ever be.
"Wow. She's here," Mark says, following my gaze.
"Of course. She's my girlfriend." I don't even bother to keep my voice down and excuse myself before I cross the terrace to greet her. She's talking to Ella and Cindy Ashworth and I frown, sensing the tension between them.
"I will tell everyone," I hear Cindy hiss when I approach them, and she looks like an entirely different person to the sweet woman I talked to only twenty minutes ago. Lisa looks shocked, rather than happy to see me and Ella equally so. This worries me as Ella rarely looks at me like that; the last time was when she found me on the kitchen counter with Lisa between my legs.
"Hey," I say to Lisa. I contemplate hugging her, but she doesn't seem in the mood. "I'm so glad you're here." Hesitantly, I turn my attention to Ella and then to Cindy. "Is everything okay, you guys look upset?"
"I think it's time we head home." Cindy's husband steps in and puts an arm around her. I see him recoil when he looks at Lisa, as if he recognizes her from somewhere. "Come on, honey, you've had too much to drink."
"Let go of me, I'm not drunk." She shakes him off but gives in when he tries again, more persistent this time.
"Cindy, come on. You're acting crazy again and causing a scene."
"Fine. But only because it's Jennie's birthday." Cindy casts another furious glance at Lisa over her shoulder before he escorts her away. "Mark my words, I will tell everyone," she murmurs.
"Tell everyone what?" A tight knot forms in my stomach at seeing Lisa in distress, shaky and pale.
"I'm so sorry," she says. "I didn't know she'd be here; I'll go now."
"No, wait. Please don't go. Whatever it is, we can deal with it. I can deal with it, I promise."
"I'm not sure you can.'
"Did you know, Mom?" Ella asks, gesturing to Lisa. "Did you know she's an escort?"
My breath hitches as I turn to Ella. There it is. My worst nightmare, the moment I've dreaded, and it's come a lot sooner than I anticipated. I know what Cindy was referring to now, and I have no doubt everyone in my circle will know within a matter of days. "Yes," I say, and Ella seems surprised to hear this as her eyebrows shoot up.
"You knew." She pauses. "Did you…"
I nod slowly, letting all the contradicting emotions settle one by one. I feel frightened but also a little relieved that my secret is out. I feel furious with Cindy and terrible for Lisa as she looks like she wants to dissolve into thin air. "But she's not an escort anymore and whatever she does or used to do is nobody's business but hers. It's certainly not Cindy's story to tell."
"Fuck. I'm so sorry, I've ruined your birthday," Lisa says. "I think it's best if I stay out of your way for a while."
"No!" I yell, way louder than I meant to, taking her hand. "Don't you dare disappear on me again. Cindy can talk all she wants. I'm not ashamed of what I did, and neither should you be. If anyone should apologize it's me because it's my friend who's crossed the line and I know how badly you wanted to keep this private. So please don't go, Lisa. I need you." I swallow hard, fighting back my tears. It's all so very clear to me now. Tomorrow, Cindy will do her rounds, people will talk, and I will have to explain this to James and Ella, but I'd rather be the topic of extensive gossip for a hundred years than not have Lisa in my life. "I love you." As I say it, I realize everyone in close proximity is staring at us, including Ella. It's true. I do love her, and reaching out, I take her hand. "I love you so much and I can handle this. I can handle anything as long as you're by my side."
Lisa's eyes focus on mine, her gaze so intense that I'd give anything to know what she's thinking. But then her expression softens, and her shoulders drop. She pulls me into an embrace, and I sigh deeply at the contact as I bury my face in her neck. "I love you too," she whispers, stroking my hair. "I love you, Jennie."
