Day Ten, part 1

Day Ten

The ambulance ride was terribly slow. He was there with her, but it still seemed to take forever. They weren't running the siren, according to the medic who rode in the back, because Olivia wasn't seriously injured. It was a good thing, Elliot was assured, because she was healthy. She'd been hooked up to a heart monitor and the steady, regular rhythm of the beeping was calming his nerves. But he wanted a clean bill of health. He didn't like that she was unconscious, sedation or no. Even though he knew the sedation was merciful due to the pain of her dislocated shoulder, he still wanted her to be awake. Not that he was about to complain though. Simply sitting there in the ambulance next to her bed gave him the peace of mind he'd been missing the whole time she'd been gone and probably, if he were being honest, much longer than that.

After arriving at the hospital, the same one he and Fin had just been at, Elliot was pleased to find out that a different doctor would be treating her. He wouldn't have stood for the doctor who'd treated him, the one he wasn't sure was old enough to drive, to be anywhere near Olivia. But the new doctor was nice and he figured Olivia would appreciate being treated by a female. The doctor explained everything to Elliot prior to kicking him out. She was going to examine Olivia for any additional injuries and see if it would be possible to reset her shoulder without surgery. As she came to, they would assess her any non-apparent injuries. They'd also start an IV to reverse the obvious dehydration. The doctor followed up with a heartfelt promise to make sure Elliot was back before Olivia woke up fully. With her explanation wrapped up, she paused. Elliot read something in the odd look on her face and realize there was more, something she didn't want to say. Sadly, he knew exactly what it was.

"What about the rape kit?" The doctor stared at him, taken slightly aback by his words.

That was when he realized that the doctor didn't know they were cops. The way they'd arrived, the way he was hovering, the way he was clinging to Olivia's hand like it was a lifeline, wasn't the way an injured cop and her partner typically presented at the hospital.

The doctor looked at her paperwork, eventually finding the occupational information for her patient. "We'll have to wait for her permission to do a rape kit, if she even chooses to report it. A lot of women don't want to-"

"I know." Elliot cut her off, knowing all too well the statistics of unreported rapes. Not wanting to alienate the women who'd promised to keep him in the loop, he forced a smile. "We work Special Victims."

With a thoughtful nod, she pulled open the curtain, letting Elliot know it was time to leave. She rested a hand on his shoulder when she saw his reluctance to drop Olivia's hand. "I'll let you back as soon as possible. If she has been assaulted, even if she hasn't been under the circumstances, I'm sure she'll want to see her husband's face as soon as she wakes up."

Elliot didn't bother to correct her. He turned quickly and started for the waiting room before he could think better of leaving her side. He fully expected that her friends and coworkers would be in the hall, too eager for news to sit in the uncomfortable orange seats. They didn't disappoint him. Although they didn't disappoint him, they did surprise him. Rather than Cragen or even Fin or Munch, it was George Huang who met him first.

"How is she?" His face reflected joy, barely concealed by concern.

Had it been anyone else, Elliot would have instantly launched into as much physical description as he could, detailing her injuries, guessing her prognosis. But it wasn't anyone else. And the declaration that she would be fine just wouldn't come out. He took a deep breath and slowly met Huang's eyes. "I don't know." He'd been so preoccupied with actually being close to her that he'd put her screams of terror from his mind. Huang's inquiry took him back to those horrifying moments when she was hysterical, pleading with him to stop hurting her. He shrugged, tears threatening. "I really don't know."

Huang pulled him aside, finding a quiet room where they could sit without the prying eyes of coworkers. "Don said Olivia was extremely upset."

Elliot collapsed into a chair. He wanted to block the whole thing out of his mind, as though that was possible. He knew he'd hear her screams in his nightmares, he'd hear the way she begged him to stop, he'd hear her scared voice pleading with him not to hurt her. But as much as he didn't want to think about it, he knew better than to try to keep something from Huang. He figured he might as well get it all out there, appall Huang with the truth he'd already tried to tell him once, and then go back to Olivia's side.

At least that way Cragen wouldn't have to look far for the perp when Olivia reported her rape.

He let out a sigh and fixed Huang with his stare. "She started screaming for me to stop hurting her."

True to his form, Huang didn't give Elliot the benefit of an emotional reaction. He offered a thoughtful nod as his gaze searched around the room for the appropriate response. Finally, he leaned forward, making it painfully obvious in Elliot's mind that he was trying not to be repulsed. "Don told me that she didn't open her eyes when you went in. It's very possible that she was expecting an attack, perhaps reliving one that had already occurred."

Elliot nodded. "Yeah, you're absolutely right." He stood up, too anxious to remain sitting still. "She was reliving what I did to her. She was pleading with her attacker." He turned suddenly, feeling a little pride in the slightly startled look on Huang's face. "She was begging me to stop. She was-" His voice choked up and he had to clear his throat before he continued. "She was saying what she was too afraid to say when I was raping her."

A quiet cough was the only sound that emanated from Huang for several minutes. He found his voice, talking quietly as though he didn't expect Elliot was really going to listen anyway. "She called for you, Elliot. No matter what else you believe was going on, she called for you. She reached out for you."

A wry smile formed on Elliot's lips as he leaned back against the wall. "Like I've never seen an abused woman run home to her rapist. She's afraid of me. I've got her so fucking terrified that she won't leave me." His strength was fading, leaving him to drop heavily back into his seat. "Well if that doesn't just take the fucking cake, huh? I've spent all these years fighting to put away bastards like my god damn father and I'll be damned if I didn't fucking turn into him myself."

Unfortunately, Elliot was so wrapped up in his own pain at that moment that he missed seeing what he'd wanted. Huang's brow furrowed in thought, his eyes narrowed in concentration, his mouth pursing in concern. "Your father was abusive towards your mother?"

"My father was abusive towards anything he could get his hands on." It wasn't something that Elliot talked about. He'd slipped up and told Hendricks. He'd planned on telling Olivia. But he'd screwed up and accidentally told Huang instead. He was infuriated at himself. He had no interest in protecting his father's name or reputation; that wasn't the reason he kept the abuse to himself. He had no desire to appear weak or stupid or pathetic, which were all things he personally thought people would believe him to be if he revealed the secret. Determined not to let Huang turn what had been a question regarding a mutual friend turn into psychoanalysis, he shook his head and sat up straight. "And my father has nothing to do with this."

Huang fought back a smile. "You brought him into it."

Elliot's glare would have said everything he needed to communicate, but he backed it up with words just in case. "Drop it."

"How about letting me talk to Olivia?"

Elliot's anger and embarrassment transformed into complete confusion. "About my father?"

"No, no, that's up to you." Huang let go of a chuckle and then his face turned stoic once again. "I'd like to talk to her about what she's been through. She's not going to be cleared for duty without a psych consult."

"I'm sure someone will discuss that with her when she's awake." Elliot felt tears forming at the idea that she would be forced to tell a stranger, or even a coworker, what had happened to her. He knew her; he was a lot like her. She wouldn't want to talk about it any more than Elliot wanted to talk about his father.

"I'm probably better qualified to decide if she's ready for work since I know her." Huang let another smile appear. "And I won't let her snow me into believing she's fine which I'll bet she'll do with anyone else."

"She'll never be fine, not after what I did to her." Elliot shook his head, trying to figure out how the hell they'd wound up in such a mess in the first place. "But you can't take this job away from her. It's her whole life."

Huang nodded, understanding what Elliot was saying, yet unable to agree to put his professional aside in such a decision. "I'd like to talk to her about what you told me as well."

Elliot's mouth fell open while his eyes squeezed closed. He didn't know if he could do that, if he could admit to her, even through Huang, that he'd told anyone about what had transpired between them. He'd never even intended to share the secret. He didn't know how he could face Olivia ever again, not once she knew he'd told such intimate details to Huang. He knew, despite the trust that she mistakenly put in him, that she didn't even reveal intimate details to him.

"If what you're afraid of really did happen, if you hurt her-" Huang hesitated, allowing Elliot to realize how upsetting the idea really was to him after all. "Even if what you said is true, Elliot, do you really think she'll turn you in?" He gave Elliot a moment to think about it, letting the truth sink in. "If it's true, she deserves the right to press charges, something I don't think she'll ever do as long as she thinks no one knows. Even with all the unreported rapes, even with all the women she's convinced to talk, doing anything that might hurt you isn't going to be easy for her."

"She deserves to get back at me." Elliot swallowed hard and nodded. "Talk to her. Convince her to press charges. I won't fight it. I won't fight her."

"I have your permission?" Huang eyes were trained on Elliot's face, looking for any hint of uncertainty.

"Yeah. I should be locked up with the rest of the scum." Instead of feeling like shit at the idea that he was going to lose his job and his family and his partner and his friends and any respect anyone ever had for him, the guilt was easing in light of giving Olivia the opportunity to get even with him.

"Only if she thinks you hurt her." Huang shrugged as he stood and walked to the door. "Which I honestly doubt."

Elliot didn't answer as he followed Huang into the hall. He didn't have the chance.

Fin had been looking for him. "Elliot!" He jogged down the hall to catch up. "Been looking all over the damn place for you. Dr. Bell was looking for Olivia's husband." He stopped long enough to grin. "We figured that was you."

Elliot knew exactly why the doctor had thought that, but he pretended otherwise. "I didn't tell her that."

With a knowing smile, Fin nodded toward the exam rooms. "The doctor said Olivia wants to talk to you."

His eyes darted to Huang, wondering how dumb he probably looked to the psychiatrist. Not that it really mattered. He smiled at Fin. "Thanks." He walked as fast as he possibly could back the way he'd come after leaving Olivia's side. Even if she threw him in prison, he wasn't going to deny her anything she wanted. He approached the desk, catching the attention of a nurse. "Dr. Bell is looking for me."

The nurse stared back with a blank expression. "And you are?"

"I'm Olivia Benson's-" As the words left his lips, he realized he didn't have any idea. Rapist? Partner? Abuser? Lover? All of the above? "I'm here with Olivia Benson."

The nurse's blank expression twisted into one of displeasure. "Yeah, ok." She nodded toward the curtains. "Go ahead back. And just so you know, your wife is uncooperative as all hell."

Such a crack from a nurse would normally have merited a stern dressing down, possibly a complaint to her boss, but at the moment, hearing that Olivia wasn't being patient and understanding with the hospital staff reassured him more than anything else had since he'd found her. It wasn't like Olivia to sit down and acquiesce to medical care, even when she needed it, especially not when she needed it. She was kind of like a wounded animal in that way; she'd infinitely prefer crawling home by herself to lick her wounds in private without revealing her weakness to anyone.

As he pushed through the curtain, his smiling face was greeted by the sight of a very exasperated Dr. Bell and an angry Olivia Benson. An angry, conscious Olivia Benson who was in the process of ripping her IV right out of her arm. It just served to make him smile harder.

Her eyes left the doctor to glance at him, checking the identity of the intruder. Her face softened, finding a friend rather than foe. "I want to go home."

His eyes darted to Dr. Bell. "I'm assuming that's not highly recommended."

Olivia's eyes narrowed at him. But he couldn't find anything besides pleasure that she was feeling good enough to be combative. Her scowl didn't fade; neither did his smile.

Dr. Bell cleared her throat. "Her shoulder has only been back in the proper place for a few minutes and will need to be re-examined to be sure that it doesn't require surgery. In addition, Ms. Benson is considerably dehydrated and would greatly benefit from additional fluids."

Olivia stepped toward Elliot. "I'll follow up on my shoulder and I'll drink lots of water. Can I go now?" Although it was obvious she wasn't really looking for permission, she looked at the doctor.

Dr. Bell continued looking at Elliot. "She has also refused further medical and psychiatric examination. Considering the severe trauma she's endured, I don't think she should be out of the hospital quite so soon."

The laugh that ripped from Olivia's throat sounded cold and hard. "So the treatment for being held somewhere against your will is being held somewhere against your will?"

Elliot saw something under the abrasive, uncharacteristic venom and he couldn't turn his back on her. Not then. Not ever. "Dr. Bell, do you have some scrubs she can wear home?"

Olivia turned and glared at him. "I don't need anything from her. Where are my clothes?"

"Probably being bagged as evidence." As he spoke the words, his hand fell against his pocket, feeling the outline of her panties. He didn't think it was the moment to mention that he'd stolen them from the crime scene.

"Evidence of what? Nothing happened."

His fear was quickly changing into anger, an emotion he was much more prepared to deal with around her. "Right. I'm sure you handcuffed yourself to the wall after barricading yourself in Howie's basement."

"I'm not a danger to myself or anyone else. You have no right to make me stay here."

Elliot shook his head. "No, I don't. But how many times have you had this same argument with victims?"

"I'm not a victim." As she looked at him without meeting his eyes, the heat and energy seemed to drain out of her. "Elliot, I want to go home." And then her eyes moved up, burning holes into his. "Please take me home."

He looked at Dr. Bell. "She'll have to get cleared before she comes back to work, so it won't really hurt if I take her home, will it? I'll keep an eye on her."

Dr. Bell was reluctant, but eventually she nodded. "I'll go get those scrubs for you."

"I don't need you to keep an eye on me." Olivia moved to cross her arms over her chest, but stopped short and winced. Then she gingerly lowered her left arm back to her side.

"I know that. Maybe I need you to keep an eye on me." He lifted his hand, showing her his splinted hand.

"What happened to you?"

"Long story. But the short version is that Cragen wouldn't let me beat the shit out of Howie yesterday."

Her eyes dropped to the floor, the mention of Howie throwing her resolve. "I just want to go home."

"And I just want to keep an eye on you." He felt strange, admitting that being close to her meant something. It was incredibly fucked up with everything that had happened between them, but it was real.

When she looked back up, there was a smile on her face. "I thought you wanted me to keep an eye on you."

He waved his left hand at her. "I am kind of crippled here."

For one fleeting moment, a smirk appeared on her torn lips. "It's not your right hand, what do you need me for?"

Thankfully a nurse arrived in time to save Elliot from the humiliation that he was about to face. She placed the green scrubs on the bed. "Those are the smallest we have, but they'll work long enough to get you home."

Elliot motioned at the curtain after the nurse. "I'll be right outside."

He had barely moved two feet, but his nerves were getting the better of him and he paced a small square immediately outside Olivia's room. It seemed to be taking forever and he wanted to check on her, but he figured if he walked in on her half dressed bad things would happen. Not only would she be pissed off and feel violated after the week in captivity, but it would all be compounded by the fact that he, after the loneliness of the past week, would undoubtedly loss control and jump her, which certainly wouldn't help the situation for either of them.

Her voice sounded small and scared. "El? Can you come in here?"

Having already determined that he shouldn't, he peeked around the curtain nervously. Olivia stood facing the stretcher, her naked back turned to him. The gown she'd been wearing lay tossed aside on the floor. She seemed to just be staring at the shirt that she'd been left. Any fear of jumping her faded away at the sight of her right then, pale and bruised, skinnier than he'd ever seen.

His voice choked up as he turned away. "What's wrong?"

She sounded like she was crying, forcing her voice to sound as normal as possible. "I can't get dressed. I can't move my arm like that." It was then that he noticed the way her left arm was folded across her middle, cradled by her right.

He knew she hated to even give away that much and it broke his heart to hear her having to ask. But then he realized that she was giving him something, opening up to him in a way that she never had. Ten days earlier and she would have insisted he call the nurse to help her. Taking a deep breath, he stepped behind her, trying not to remember the last time they'd been in that position.

"Ok, let's get your left arm in first." He lifted the shirt, calling to mind the millions of times he'd helped his children dress, feeling nothing but love for her as he worked the shirt over the arm that clearly caused her a lot of pain.

Luckily the size of the shirt allowed him plenty of room to stretch it over her head and around her other arm. Satisfied that he'd done what she'd asked, he stepped toward the curtain again. "You good from here?"

She looked at him, less afraid to face him with the long shirt covering her, and grimaced. "I don't know if these have been worn before." She looked at the pants, her revulsion obvious. "I don't have any underwear." Looking down at the length of the shirt, she shrugged. "I guess I can't go out dressed like this."

He wasn't sure he could speak. He didn't know what to do. Her own panties were burning a hole in his pocket, but if the last time she'd seen them had been as her rapist was tearing them from her body, he doubted she'd want to wear them. He must have stood there too long staring.

"El?"

With a wince, he reached into his pocked and tossed her panties on the bed. She blinked at them, then at him.

"Do you have a fetish I should know about?"

"Not a fetish, no." He shrugged. "But I'm not quite right in the head after the last week."

She reached for the green fabric and moved to step into them. "Yeah, I can see that."

He felt like a prude as he turned his back, especially since she had no modesty whatsoever at that point. But he didn't think he could just stand there and watch her dress. She probably wouldn't like that either. "You ready?"

"Can you tie these?" He realized the odd, fragile sound of her voice came out whenever she needed to ask him for help.

"Yeah, no problem." He walked back over, pulling the drawstring tight, discovering that the pants would still only barely catch on her small hips. "I think I need to fatten you up."

She grinned up at him. "I could really go for some rocky road, if you're looking for suggestions."

But even as she joked with him, his mood turned somber. He released the tie, moving his hands to rest on her waist. "Liv, did he-" His voice cracked and he closed his eyes, trying to prepare himself for the possible affirmative answer from her. "Will you just let them do a rape kit? I want this guy to fry."

Her eyes were wet with gathering tears as she shook her head. "He didn't do that." She looked down, but a moment later, one of her hands moved up to his chest. "He – I don't – I'm ok. Really."

He searched her eyes, not sure if she was telling him the truth or simply what he wanted to hear. "Promise me."

Her hand slid up, her right arm curling behind his neck as she stood up on her toes and leaned into him. He gripped her fiercely, hugging her back as tightly as he dared. Her head bobbed against his in a nod. "I promise. I just want to go home."

He stepped back, reaching down to take her right hand in his, he nodded too. "Let's get you home." But as they stepped past the curtain, his eyes drifted to her face. "Are you sure, Liv?"

She smiled a vacant smile that did nothing to reassure him. "Nothing happened, Elliot. You should know. You were there."