Day Eleven
The night was deathly silent. So quiet, in fact, that Elliot was loathe to even uncross his legs despite the fact that one had long since been numbed by his immobility. He didn't want to draw attention to the fact that he was awake. He didn't want to draw attention to the fact that he was still there. He was kind of hoping Olivia would forget. Because if she didn't remember he was there, maybe she wouldn't carry through on her threat to throw him out and never speak to him again.
After what felt like forever of waiting in her kitchen, listening to the soft sounds of a conversation he couldn't, and didn't want to, overhear, Huang had stopped in the doorway to let Elliot know he was on his way. It was too early, apparently, to make a definitive diagnosis, but Huang suspected she was suffering from Acute Stress Disorder, which would hopefully not develop into a paralyzing case of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.
And, much to Elliot's comfort at that moment, Huang informed him that Olivia did not consider him to be a rapist.
Unfortunately, the moment the door closed behind Huang, Olivia let Elliot know exactly what she thought of Elliot's inability to keep a secret, especially when it seemed abundantly obvious that it wasn't something meant for public knowledge.
Of course, with Huang's warning to try not to upset her, Elliot hardly felt like he could make any arguments on his own behalf. So he sat in the chair adjacent to her spot on the couch, listening to her rip him a new one for having been so stupid as to give another man, a friend, a coworker, intimate details about them.
After an hour or so, she'd quieted down. Elliot suspected that she'd exhausted herself and that the verbal assault would be renewed the minute she gathered some more strength. Hence the sitting silently. He didn't want to get thrown out, and despite her previous indications that she did not want to be alone, he strongly suspected that she'd do it. He hated that she was mad as much as he hated that Howie's actions had indeed impacted her psyche so obviously. He was content, considering the previous week, to sit there and watch her.
Just seeing that she was alive was enough to satisfy him.
He actually jumped in surprise when she reached for the remote to turn off the TV. Despite her eyes having been open, he'd thought she must have fallen asleep. Neither of them had moved in so long that the room had been lit almost entirely by the glow from the television. Only a hint of light shone through the closed blinds, barely illuminating anything. A shiver coursed through him when he met her dark eyes.
She stared at him for a long time, without giving him any idea whatsoever what she was thinking about. But then she looked away, pulling her legs up to her chest, ducking her face down. Her voice was soft, muffled by her position. Elliot had to strain to hear her since he didn't dare ask her to speak up or move closer.
"Why did you tell him?"
Another shiver ran through him. Although she'd referenced the sex in the crib, although she'd torn into him for telling Huang, they hadn't discussed what had happened. They hadn't had the opportunity to come to terms with it as a unit nor with the ramifications. And Elliot suspected that was exactly what was about to happen.
Drawing in a slow, shuddering breath, he tried to look at her, but wasn't able to drag his eyes from the floor. He was, in fact, barely able to force enough air through his lungs to form words. Loathe as he was to bring it up when she was so angry at him, he was going to have to force the issue. Because there was no other way to answer her, to defend himself, to explain that he hadn't been trying to spread rumors or upset her.
"Cragen called him in because I was falling apart." And he had been. Not that talking to Huang had really helped much, considering that he was still pretty sure he was in pieces.
"What does that have to do with anything?" She lifted her head to look at him, but he didn't dare return the glance. "Did telling him what you saw help? Did telling him that I like it rough make you feel better?"
He gasped, her words stabbing him like a knife. "God, no, no that's not what-" His voice started to crack and he had to take a breath, realizing there was no way for him to hide the tears that had formed. He chanced finding her eyes, but found no sympathy or understanding in them, only hurt and reproach and betrayal. He sniffled, only able to whisper. "I thought I'd raped you."
That hadn't been what she'd expected. He could tell from the surprise, from the way her eyes darted between his, from how her mouth fell slightly open.
"What?" Her whisper matched his, her own voice choked with emotion and confusion.
He was shaking. He could see it when he leaned forward to drop his face into his hands. His hands were shaking. Badly. He was terrified. Terrified of facing what he'd done again, terrified that Huang had been wrong, terrified that Olivia might have forgotten the details, terrified that she would tell him that his worst fears were completely true. But he'd been strong enough to face Huang and reveal the hideous truth to him. Olivia had been strong enough to face the hell of being held prisoner by Howie. He owed her an honest answer.
"I lost control. I was crazy. When I grabbed you, when I touched you, God, Liv, I don't know what the hell was going through my head. I just wanted you so badly. I had to have you. I didn't even realize that I was hurting you until afterwards." He swallowed back a sob, afraid that her instinct would be to comfort him when that was the last thing he deserved. "I couldn't stop myself. I couldn't think. I don't really even know if you fought me or told me to stop." Finally he looked up, searching for her eyes in the dark. "I thought that I was going to get away with it because you weren't there to report me."
"And you thought telling him would help?" Her voice was still quiet and entirely flat, as though she was still undecided about forgiving him.
Or perhaps, he realized, because hearing him confess the truth to her brought back the terror of the ordeal.
"I'm still half convinced that I belong in prison, that you want me in prison." His eyes continued to hold hers, looking, begging, for any sign. He saw nothing and couldn't quite hold back the choked sob that came out of his chest. "I swear I never meant to hurt you."
Her eyes fell away from his, her arms burrowing between her thighs and calves as she seemed to fold herself up. Her face was hidden and her voice barely a whisper. "You didn't. Why did you think I was so upset that you told Huang?"
Between her body language and his guilt, he couldn't quite grasp what she was telling him. "You're trying to cover for me, aren't you?"
Her head jerked up, shock taking over her features. "Why would I do that?"
"Because if you don't tell anyone that I raped you, then you can pretend it didn't happen." He was growing more convinced of it by the second. He couldn't see Olivia sitting in Cragen's office, reporting the crime, her tears falling as she described the brutal attack. He couldn't see her showing that weak side of herself to anyone besides himself. "You're mad because Huang's not going to help you. He'll insist you report it. He'll report himself before he lets a rapist go loose."
"You're not a rapist."
A laugh bubbled up, escaping in between his sobs. "How fucked up is this? After everything you've been through, you're trying to comfort me for raping you."
"You're not a rapist." Her voice was growing stronger, tinged with anger.
He looked at her, finding the anger in her voice was reflected in her eyes. "I know what I did. I know it was wrong."
He didn't know what it meant when her chin suddenly started to tremble. "Stop. Stop saying that. I said you're not a rapist. Now shut the fuck up about it." But as furious as her voice sounded, her eyes weren't quite meeting his again.
"You'll never be ok until you admit what I did to you." Because that was probably why she'd refused treatment in the hospital. She hadn't just been raped by Howie, she'd been raped by her partner. And she was afraid that revealing one would reveal the other.
Her voice raised to a shout, something that was certain to get the attention of the neighbors. "Stop it! Shut the fuck up or get the hell out!"
He found the strength to stand even though he was still shaking. He'd have to call Huang. He'd have to tell the truth. Because Olivia would never get treated for the right thing unless he told the truth. Because she sure as hell wasn't going to do it. "I'm turning myself in. You obviously never will."
He got all the way to the door before he felt the tug on his shirt, before he felt her nails digging into his back. Turning around, his tear-filled eyes met hers in the darkness. "It's ok, Liv. It wasn't your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. You didn't deserve what I did to you."
"I didn't deserve it? I enjoyed it, you son of a bitch! What the hell do you think that says about me? That's why I hate that you told Huang! Now he thinks I'm some kind of freak." Her chin started to tremble and she looked down, her shoulders shaking as she sobbed. Her hands clung to his shirt, desperate to hold him there. "God, please don't hate me!"
Her plea pulled his attention away from his self-flagellation. "I don't hate you." He leaned down, pressing his chin over her head, returning the desperate embrace. "Jesus, I could never hate you."
Her voice was half hidden in his shirt, but she wasn't loosening her grasp on him. "You didn't rape me, Elliot. Please tell me you know that."
He couldn't answer her. He couldn't. He couldn't honestly say what he believed. It was just as likely that she was lying as telling the truth. But one thing was clear – she was absolutely terrified that he would leave her.
And no matter what had happened a week earlier, he knew he couldn't hurt her again. He couldn't leave her when it was so important to her that he stay.
He tightened his arms around her as he let his legs fold, pulling her into his lap as he dropped to the floor. "I won't leave you, Liv. I promise."
He felt her nod against his chest. So he pulled her a bit closer and rested his head against hers.
