Chapter 13
Rey was mortified when she woke. Shocked at her actions and what she had allowed. Even if it was within the cage of her mind, it was corrupting. She had not even considered what this would mean beyond the dream realm. How this would change the relationship they had developed and how she could even face her master now. She had betrayed him. Betrayed his trust and keeping this bond from him was corrupting her just as much as what she had done in her dream.
Breakfast passed in silence. Rey could only find the ability in herself to answer Luke's questions with short answers and she felt wrought with guilt. She didn't feel different, yet she knew she was. He had touched her, darkness had got what it wanted through him and this time, it had done what it had originally set out to do – corrupt her. As she sat, she could feel the ghost of his lips against her neck and mouth and she couldn't stop herself from desiring it again.
Despite her lack of speech, Rey managed to complete her day's training without a problem, but the dread of her next sleep began to eat into the corner of her mind. It overshadowed Kylo's presence in her head and she willed the Force to help her to think of anything else.
Rey sat on the edge of her cot, looking into her hands and trying to think of some solution to what was happening. She wouldn't deny what she had done and that it had been ill-sighted, but she had to approach their connection and how she felt in some logical manner. It wasn't conducive to neither her training nor her future and she wished for there to be an easy way out. Perhaps breaking their connection would cause these emotions to disappear too and if that was so, she hoped that there would be a way out for them both.
The one thing she could not break from was that she had liked it. What she had shared with Kylo was so beyond anything she had known that she found herself having to make clear justifications as to why it was wrong. She found her mind floundering towards loopholes in the Jedi code and questioned why it could be so bad. Rey realised incredibly soon why it was dangerous territory, mostly because she was already torn. Her humanity called for it and she was scared that one day it would crave it, all against her better judgement.
When she finally laid down in her cot, she settled her speeding heart and hoped that she could be free of either this connection or the desire that had come with it.
XxX
Kylo was sitting against the oak again, his hand stretched out in front of him, resting against his knee and he held a small stone up, twisting it through the air and watching its rotations. The stone dropped when he noticed Rey and he looked at her, not saying anything.
She walked towards the house, sitting on the lowest step of the porch and avoided his gaze, trying to not feel his stray emotions, but will alone wouldn't stop them and she felt his feelings of satisfaction as he looked at her. It wasn't clear what he was satisfied about; making her crack, having his desire sated, perhaps both? However, it made Rey frustrated because she didn't have the luxury of loose morals in her training. It was important that she followed her masters training and the way of the Jedi, or else she would be a failure. Too much was at stake for her to fail, especially at the death knell of some sexual whim.
Rey expected him to say something eventually, but all she felt was his emotions brush against her and then his eyes glance at her every now and then. She imagined he was recollecting what she looked like without clothing, despite his emotions not indicating the same. His lust had slipped away to almost nothingness and it was replaced with this strange sensation Rey could only describe as magenta. It was an emotion she could not pinpoint and there was no clear indication as to what it could be.
When Rey caught his eye again there was something in his gaze that had to go beyond satisfaction, despite her not knowing what that could possibly be.
Her face turned to the ground and she sighed before reaching for her training Lightsaber and unclipping it. At least looking into the light for a short time could distract her from the steady beat of her heart and the complete unknown that seemed to follow Kylo around. She was envious of him, at the very least; he wasn't as open of a book as she was and the thought continued to irk her. All she could see were these singular emotions or colours and that wasn't everything. It couldn't have been.
Kylo didn't say anything to her, he just continued to watch her, his emotions consistent. They seemed to adapt to this silence so naturally that Rey continuously recited the last words she had heard from him:
You know I can feel your emotions; you don't need to feel guilty.
Rey imagined he could feel them now, even when they were in his dreams. Perhaps she had underestimated his true utilisation of the Force? The thought threatened to strangle her because she couldn't see him so deeply. He could eventually become a mismatch of colours which Rey couldn't connect to reality. The thought almost scared her until she realised that if she ever did know him fully, then there would be no way back from there.
XxX
The week continued in a similar fashion, whether it was within her dreams or his, they continued to take each other's presence in silence. They both knew what the other thought of their tryst; Kylo satisfied, Rey assuming both because it happened and that it would happen again. Rey walked the line between being horrified of her actions and scared of her unknown future. She continued to struggle between what was clearly wrong and something which at times felt so right. It was almost like she was waiting for Darkness to make an appearance again, to mock her and strangle her with its icy fingers. It had warned her that this would happen and Rey stayed resolute that she wouldn't stray any further from the light. Her lust could be countered, she believed that.
The almost pure feeling of recollection was eating Rey from the inside out, as she struggled to keep her emotions in check around Luke and he knew there was something wrong. Rey couldn't tell him the truth and her shame led her to silence over all. She couldn't even say that she hadn't thought of it happening again and therefore every day was constant discomfort from being around Kylo and he knew her now, and that was with the realisation that his knowledge was much deeper than she had thought.
Rey went to sleep feeling her emotions bubbling within her. Her Alter training made the emotions worse and two weeks of absorbing herself in the Force as she trained meant her feelings were clearer to her and upset her even more.
They were in Kylo's dream again, the same house and same wood as always and Rey took her usual place sitting on the porch of the house, brushing away the leaves that had begun to fall. Kylo looked up at her, acknowledging her presence before he went back to juggling several small stones in front of him and then crushing them one by one.
Rey couldn't stand his indifference and the fact that she knew he held no regrets. He hadn't said anything to her since it had happened, she could only feel his emotions and that was enough to frustrate her. At least when he spoke to her she could fight back with her words, it made her feel much more in power than she currently felt. Rey felt as if she was losing control of these dreams and that Kylo was happily taking on responsibility. She hated that he was winning now, even if she didn't want to go to his side, she was slipping out of the light and into this greyness.
'Are you not going to say anything to me again?' Rey found herself shouting, her hands in fists. Kylo's expression changed to interest, but he didn't reply. 'You're not going to mock me or tell me I told you so?' she demanded. Kylo just looked at her in silence and Rey grew more frustrated. 'Why do I have to keep coming here if you don't speak? Why do I have to keep seeing you? I just want to be with my own thoughts and feelings, I don't want you getting into my head.' Her voice broke and she shut her mouth, feeling her throat close up and her eyes sting.
Rey felt the tears slip from her eyes and she willed them to stop, wiping at them quickly, but they couldn't be halted. Her shoulders shook with the weight of her fear and she turned away from him. Thoughts of the illusion came back, how darkness had so easily bent her to its will, tasted her blood and she had let herself fall into Kylo just the same.
She heard him move then, the leaves and twigs snapping beneath his feet and he walked over to her, stopping in front of her and then sitting beside her on the step. Before Rey could say anything, his arms had pulled her into his lap and as one hand wrapped around her waist, the other wiped at the tears falling down her cheeks.
Rey expected him to say something, to say I told you it would be like this, that you wouldn't be able to escape me or even If you come to me, it will be better. With me you won't have to worry. But those words didn't come from his lips and even his emotions were filled with strange passivity and this persistent magenta. She leaned into him, her tears dampening his tunic and her hands gripping the loose dark material tightly as he rocked her gently.
XxX
Rey woke up, her cheeks wet and she ultimately felt better. She couldn't be sure whether it was the crying or being comforted which helped her, but she decided not to dwell on the thought too much as thinking about her history of loneliness before had not helped her overcome Kylo's pull. She could admit that he pulled her to him at the very least.
She dressed into her training clothes and was met at the door to her quarters by Luke, a somewhat worried expression on his face.
'This will be our last week here,' he murmured.
'Did General Leia contact you?' she questioned, finding herself brightening at the thought of seeing her friends.
Luke shook his head. 'Call it intuition. I've felt some changes in the Force and my instinct is that those will lead my sister to bringing you back into the fold.'
Rey nodded curtly, understanding her responsibilities. 'Do you think I have progressed enough to be of use?'
He smiled then and led her out of the door and they began to walk up the hill. 'You have gone beyond my expectations, Rey. We have only been doing this for a little under three months and though you didn't come here completely unskilled, your progress with the Force is phenomenal.
'I think much of it comes in part to your dedication to using it whenever you can and meditating as much as possible.'
She chuckled lightly as she looked to her master. 'I wouldn't say I'm very good at meditation, Master.'
He shook his head. 'For a beginner, you are.' Luke sighed. 'Though I would have liked to teach you more on Jedi history and Forms VI and VII, stopping as we are and finishing up Forms IV and V will have to be enough for the time being.'
Rey nodded and knelt by the campsite, shifting the firewood and preparing to start the morning fire.
'I expect that you may not have me as much in the future and it will be up to you to train and practice.'
'Yes Master,' she replied with a smile.
'Regardless, I will be with you for as long as I can be and will train you until there is another calling.'
She nodded again and sat as the fire began to grow. It wouldn't be long before she would see her friends again. Perhaps that and having a purpose would distract her from everything that had happened. If her mind was on fighting, maybe she wouldn't think of Kylo any longer. That she could rid herself of thoughts of him and questions regarding this magenta aura that had suddenly appeared around him.
As Rey watched the water boil above the fire, she felt her heart stir in her chest. She knew it was both a mix of uncertainty and fear. Kylo had become a feature in so much of her training, a part of her was scared that if he were no longer present to her, something important would change.
XxX
Kylo sat on the porch step as if he were waiting for Rey. He looked to the dark blue sky and then when he felt her presence, he met her gaze, his expression unchanged but Rey saw the deep purple emotion emanating from him. She desperately wanted to know what it meant, but couldn't bring herself to ask him.
It was clear by the way she stood as they looked at each other. Her arms wrapped across her stomach and keeping several metres between them. Rey wasn't embarrassed and it was honestly a surprise to her. She had thought on seeing him that she would be filled with such disgust in herself for crying in his arms and allowing him to comfort her, yet she didn't. When she looked to him, she felt anxiety, but she felt some semblance of peace overall. Her heart wasn't as heavy as before, though rather than her feelings, it had been the lies which shrouded her mind in grey. Lies to Luke, perhaps even lies to Kylo.
'Just sit,' he murmured. Rey hadn't expected the words. It had been a week since she had heard his voice and it sounded like something new.
She didn't comply, however, and Kylo decided to stand up and approach her instead. Rey backed up, feeling the fluctuations in his emotions from frustration to worry, all bathed in this peculiar magenta. Rey wondered if she had her own colour that Kylo could not distinguish.
He sped up and reached forward, taking her hand and holding her still. His full height overshadowed Rey and blocked out the light of the moon behind him. Her brows furrowed, but she did not move any longer.
They didn't say anything for several moments. Kylo's grip was light and she felt him sift through uncertainty as he looked at her. He was scared and Rey was surprised to see it in the crease of his eyebrows.
'We can't continue like this,' Rey finally spoke.
'We don't have much of a choice,' Kylo responded. His hand slipped from hers and Rey watched it take its place back by his side. She blinked away her yearning, just wanting her hand in his and that being enough.
'We always have a choice.'
Rey sighed and looked around her again before meeting Kylo's eyes again. They were as warm as they had been since she had noticed and they looked at her intently.
'I don't want this to be different. This feels right.'
Rey felt the air escape her lungs and she couldn't find any words to respond to Kylo.
'Yesterday I realised that. I didn't have anything to say before because anything I would have thought of would have been unimportant. They would have been empty and empty words are useless when it comes to you.'
She swallowed and tried to understand what Kylo was saying, but his emotions began to change so quickly, she couldn't stick to any one idea. He was still worried, still satisfied, yet there was this emptiness and dread that crept in and then anger and this magenta.
'What are you trying to say?'
Kylo paused. 'Being with you. What we did…I didn't know what to say because you silenced me. Perhaps you would understand if you allowed me to show you, but you constantly resist me. I can see it when I look at you and I don't want you to feel that you need to. Just accept it, just accept me.'
Rey sighed heavily, realising this magenta colour that she could not interpret must have been something that formed when they had been together. It had been different for Kylo, as he had been able to see her emotions so poignantly and perhaps that's why he had been so frustratingly silent. He had experienced something outside of her and it scared her that it could be something about her that she didn't know.
'I want you to stay by my side.'
'I won't do it.' Her pause was heavy and his eyes seemed to pull her to him. 'There are more important things than how you feel.'
He frowned. 'It's how you feel too. Why do you keep denying it?'
Rey shook her head. 'I was weak and I let you fool me and convince me that we are similar and that I…that I can lean on you. It's not right.'
'Stop lying to yourself. You can feel this; I know you can.'
'Do you not ever consider how terrible this could be? For the both of us?' Rey responded in frustration. 'I've betrayed my master and haven't you done the same?'
Kylo shook his head then and stood straighter. 'Were you ever truly loyal to him?' The suggestion silenced Rey and he continued. 'I was there in your eyes before him. It's me you have a connection with and not him.'
Rey shivered and her hand turned to a fist and she lashed out, striking Kylo across his face. When he looked back at her, she could see she had drawn blood from a broken nose. It unsettled her almost immediately and she felt her hand shaking as she looked at the slow flow of blood. It was as if she had injured herself too.
'Will you really continue to lie to yourself and say you feel nothing?'
Kylo let the blood flow from his nose, choosing to make no indication that he should stop it. His concentration remained on Rey with resolve and she felt her mind throb as she looked at him. His emotions were so full of determination and frustration, but it did not drown out the pulsating colour. It was beginning to drive Rey crazy with questions about what the magenta meant. She wanted this all to end, she didn't want to see the scarlet blood that poured because of her, she didn't want to hear the truths in his words.
Rey's hand tightened by her side and she grit her teeth together. 'I feel hatred. I hate you for touching me, I hate you for looking at me, I hate you for being able to feel my emotions. I hate you with every fibre of me, regardless of what you say and regardless of what you see.'
If Kylo had been within Rey's dreams, he would have seen the clear dishonesty, despite earnestness in which she spoke. His inability moved him to blinding anger almost immediately, shrouding every other emotion and she expected him to hurt her. He was full of rage and Rey found herself regretful, not enjoying seeing his pain and thinking back to how he suffered in the house, how that little boy named Ben had suffered; feeling alone and hated by everyone around him.
Her hand reached out to touch him, but he was already pulling at his Lightsaber and swinging widely, thrashing at the trees that surrounded them. Destroying them and burning them. The Lightsaber squealed as it tore through wood and Rey felt the colour drain from her face as she watched him.
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