Day Fifteen, cont'd
In all honesty, she knew there would be a problem. Things were far from ok anyhow, what with how ridiculously screwed up her recent conversations with Elliot had been. Adding to that was the fact that Olivia had never suffered the sort of self-doubt that she was experiencing. Considering that she was afraid to sleep alone, she was perfectly able to anticipate some sort of issue with venturing into the overwhelming world that was New York City. The only real problem was that while she was prepared for something to go wrong on the trip to Queens, she wasn't prepared for it to happen quite so soon.
She almost felt stupid that she started to panic at the front door of her building. She hadn't paid any attention to what was going on that night Elliot brought her home, so she wasn't expecting the knot of terror forming in her belly, the trepidation causing her heart to pound, the anxiety making her want to squeeze her eyes closed. She tried to hide it, tried to keep her steps even with Elliot's, but as usual, he could read her like a book. He responded silently, tightening his hand around hers.
She'd thought she'd hidden her feelings better, but she couldn't even be embarrassed by the realization that Elliot knew. She was thankful for the support of his tight grasp on her hand. As they walked, she tried to focus on that touch, on the points of contact between their hands. But thoughts were floating into her mind unbidden, an almost film-like quality to the intense memories she couldn't escape. With her first step outside in days, she saw the concrete steps of her building and that night was so fresh in her head that she was there again. She felt the longing for her apartment, the pain and confusion from her physical encounter with Elliot making her desperate for her shower and bed. She remembered hearing the dog's whimper. A chill ran through her when she recalled how she'd contemplated ignoring the cry for help.
Just as another shudder tore through her, she felt Elliot's grip release. Her first instinct was to berate herself for having hidden her fear so well that he no longer thought she needed his reassurance. But then he moved closer, his warm side pressing against hers as his strong arm wrapped around her shoulders. He even anticipated the soreness of her shoulder, his hand stretching further, resting on her upper arm.
She intended to thank him, to tell him what the gesture meant to her, to let him know that she would accept whatever he was willing to give, even if it was so much less than what she wanted. Rather than a word of thanks or a nod of appreciation, nothing came out. She only turned toward him, pressing her face against his chest.
It took very little for him to complete the embrace. The slightest pressure of his hand on her arm and her whole body turned into him Her hands reached out, slipping under his jacket, latching together behind his back, securing him to her. His other arm came around her, the familiar pain of his splint digging into her back promising her that it was real and not some fantasy she'd cooked up in Howie's basement.
"Shh. It's ok, Liv. We don't have to go." His soft whisper fell lightly against her ear. "Kathy can bring Eli here. You don't have to come out until you're ready."
The lure of his words was strong. She longed to go back inside, to lock them into the safety of her apartment, to remain shrouded in his hold forever. But she feared it might actually be forever before she would feel compelled to let them venture out of the protection of their own private world, a world where she could spend every day and every night in Elliot's arms.
Some modicum of dignity prevailed, insisting that the eventual pain of his departure would somehow be less provided she convinced him that she was ready. Although she knew she was dependent on him, it seemed so much less pathetic if he didn't know she was so dependent.
Shaking her head and nodding simultaneously, she relaxed her grip on him. "No, I'm ok. I was just thinking about that night. I'm fine. Let's go."
His arm stayed tight around her as he moved back to stand beside her. "Are you sure?"
Not at all certain, she smiled. She had to hold onto what she could of Elliot and not reach for more. Reaching for more, she knew, would only result in her losing what she had without getting a hold of anything else.
Despite her determination otherwise, she could feel the tension rising in her and she tried to shift closer, except the laws of physics interceded, preventing her from fusing into his side. He leaned down, letting his cheek brush along hers for a moment.
"I'm here." He paused just long enough for her to nod. "You're safe."
She took a deep breath, pulling as much of him, his scent, his strength into herself. And then she stood up straighter, ready to try again. For Elliot to leave his arm around her was simply too much to ask, but Olivia was certain that she could continue to feel the comforting weight on her shoulders like a phantom limb.
She offered him a smile she hoped wouldn't reflect her persistent nerves. "Thanks, El." Although she had already turned her eyes away, she felt herself drawn to look at him again, only to find his eyes narrowed and confused. She shrugged before she realized that would do little in the way of clearing anything up, not if he truly didn't understand that his support meant that much to her. "For everything."
His only response was a silent nod of his head. He started walking once again, steadily guiding her past the alley where she'd been grabbed. She was sure the memories of Howie would forever plague her dreams, knowing she would never be without the sight of Howie stepping out of the shadows. She tried to force it from her mind, looking for something else she could concentrate on until they were past the alley.
The task was much easier than she'd expected when she noticed that the warmth around her shoulders wasn't quite as phantasmal as she'd thought. No, Elliot's arm was still shielding her from her fears, pulling her close into his side, fortifying her courage. She was overwhelmed by the knowledge that he was still there like that, still willing to give her anything she needed. Her arm reached out again, tucking under his jacket purposely so her hand could find his waist.
And it was as she squeezed him back that she felt the memories running through him as well, fear or anger or something he didn't need to explain torturing him the same way. Her breath caught in her throat, choking on the idea that Howie's actions that had rendered her so hopeless and pathetic had also left her partner so helpless and terrified that he was shaking too.
Finally reaching the parking lot felt like a victory. She only vaguely recalled when Elliot had brought her home and she wasn't quite sure how they'd made it past that damned alley. She figured it must have been utter relief on both their parts that they hadn't noticed. Elliot's hands were still shaking as reached for the keys and Olivia wasn't sure how they'd survive another trip to her front door. The thought was turning over in her head as he pulled the door open for her and caused a significant delay her processing of the fact that she was supposed to get in the car. She looked up at Elliot across the roof of the car as he opened his door, the same way she had a million times over the years. It was the first time she'd ever shivered from the realization that he was too far away to touch.
"You ok?" He was concerned, probably thinking along the same lines.
"Yeah, I was just thinking, you know, maybe we shouldn't come back here right away?" She was exhausted from the short walk, more mentally than physically, and she was sure Elliot didn't particularly want to face that terror either.
He nodded. "We could stay at my place for a while. Eli's things are there, so we'd have to stop there anyway." The way he was talking it sounded like he meant for the afternoon.
But Olivia had other ideas as she climbed into the car, certain she wouldn't mind living in a box on the street as long as it meant she didn't have to go home for a while. "Casey can pick up some clothes for me."
Elliot started the car, shaking his head as he chuckled. "Are you sure you want her to know where I live?"
"Why wouldn't I?" It was instinct to want to share the amusement on Elliot's face, but she didn't get the joke.
"Well, you know, I just thought it might be easier to convince you I'm not sleeping with her as long as you know she doesn't know where I live."
For a moment, she was thoroughly confused. Just as she was about to mention that, just as she was going to have to pretend the thought didn't bother the hell out of her, she remembered. She remembered seeing her friend, innocently leaning against her partner's desk. She remembered the white-hot fire that seared through her, condemning them both. She remembered the accusation she'd thrown at Elliot before she ran to the crib to hide.
And she remembered all too well how Elliot had followed her.
She was mortified. She knew Elliot wasn't sleeping with Casey. She'd just been overcome with jealousy at the moment and hadn't been able to see reality. Her allegation against him had only served to tell him that she was jealous. Jealous of something that only existed in her head. Her cheeks burned red as she stared at her lap. "I know you're not sleeping with her."
His eyes were locked on the road in front of him when she dared a glance. His uninjured hand gripping the wheel tightly in barely restrained anger. "And for the record, I'm not sleeping with Jill either."
"Jill?" Even as the name left her lips, she remembered another of her ridiculous charges, the young crime scene tech. "Oh, her." She wanted to bury her face in her hands, but felt that doing so would only draw more attention to her embarrassment.
"Yeah, her." He was shaking his head, a tiny smile starting to form. "Jill used to live up the street from us when she was a kid. She and Maureen played together. It was kind of frightening when she started flirting with me."
And suddenly, Olivia understood. Elliot's eyes had been locked on Jill out of shock, rather than attraction. Although, in her defense, Jill had certainly done her best to make it appear otherwise. "Then what was that about you not knowing how to use a phone?"
He shrugged. "No idea. I winked at her, I'll give you that, but that's only because I learned long ago that not responding to the techs when they're being painfully obvious only guarantees that the labs wind up on the bottom of the pile."
She turned to look out the window, wishing she could un-make all those claims. Because she didn't really think Elliot was that much of an asshole. Because, even if he was, it wasn't any of her business. She'd only made herself look stupid. She could barely force out a whisper in her shame. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have accused you of all that stuff."
"I just hope that's not really what you think of me."
She could tell from the sound of his voice that he was looking at her, but she couldn't bring herself to meet his eyes. She kept staring out the window, wondering when things had gotten so messed up between them, knowing it had happened long before he'd fucked her, wishing that it didn't have to be that way. She shrugged. "I know you're not like that." She bit her lip, trying to make words and not tears come out. "But it really shouldn't matter to me if you were." It really was his business who he slept with and she knew they were all as willing as she had been. "I'm sorry."
He sighed heavily, such a dejected sound that Olivia turned to look at him. His eyes revealed hurt. A lot of hurt. And anger. "Why don't we go back to not talking about this? It's probably just a bad idea."
The rest of the trip was silent, the early morning traffic sounds loud and obnoxious and out of place against the crushing silence in the car. Olivia didn't know what was wrong with her. She had her partner's rapt attention, she had his unwavering support, hell, she had his arms locked around her at night to let her sleep, and she still couldn't help herself, couldn't stop herself from taunting him, from picking fights, from pressing an issue she knew wouldn't end the way she wanted it to. She couldn't figure out why she couldn't accept the consolation prize when she knew full well the other choice was to spend the long, scary nights alone. Olivia was lost in her thoughts, so she actually jumped when Elliot broke the silence.
"Do you want to come in or wait here?"
She looked around, confused for a moment, not having realized how long she'd been staring out the window. She swallowed hard, knowing her voice would give away the thick lump of self-pity in her throat. "What do you want?"
His exasperation was clear under his clipped words. "Whichever you want."
She didn't want to sit in the car. She wanted to go back to those precious moments of peace when Elliot's arm was wrapped around her. But she knew he probably wanted a few precious moments of peace away from his clingy, pathetic partner who couldn't take a hint. She turned to look out the windshield. "I'll wait here."
"Whatever."
He was mad, that much was clear. He probably suspected she was going to freak out and wanted to avoid having her come running into his ex-wife's house screaming bloody murder. But she knew she couldn't stand next to him and not wish for something different and she didn't want to embarrass either one of them anymore.
He slammed the door so hard the car shook. Olivia took a deep breath, telling herself that it was no good to panic when he hadn't gotten two steps away from her yet.
But then her door flew open so unexpectedly that she yelped, jumping back in fear.
Elliot was there, squatting down next to her, anger written all over his face. He reached out with his good hand, grabbing her chin and turning her to face him. His fingers bit into her skin, his eyes burning with fury, his words so incongruous that she couldn't make sense of them.
"I love you, damn it. When are you going to get that?"
His voice echoed in her ears long after he'd disappeared into the house. And still, she couldn't figure it out, couldn't understand it, couldn't believe it. It was simply too good to be true.
Splintered.5
