Day Twenty-One
The sounds of three greasy, physically imposing men grunting unintelligibly in a language Olivia couldn't identify were hardly the optimal backdrop for therapy. The babbling blue-eyed boy on her lap wasn't helping much either. And, truth be told, George Huang looked particularly uncomfortable to be sitting on Elliot's bed. But it wasn't like they had a lot of choices.
The furniture, for which Elliot had begrudgingly agreed to pay the delivery and assembly charge when Olivia pointed out their physical limitations, was being delivered and assembled by the greasy, grunting, imposing men. Elliot had been especially unhappy about the additional fee for weekend service, his argument being that anyone who could afford to buy furniture and pay extra to have it delivered and assembled was likely to be working during the week, but again, they hadn't had many choices.
Because Cragen wanted Elliot back in the office bright and early Monday morning. Penalized for some of his behavior, which Elliot wouldn't explain to Olivia, by weeks of desk duty until his hand healed. The real penalty, however, Olivia knew Cragen hadn't intended. The man wasn't really out to get her, and probably had no concept of how frightening the prospect of spending a day without being around Elliot was to her. And she knew, had the man been made aware, he would have given her a reprieve.
Conversely, Huang knew exactly how scared Olivia was, but he had no mercy. He seemed to think it was a good idea for Olivia to try to be alone for some portion of the day, and was not dissuaded by her multiple attempts to change the subject.
So Olivia was quite pleased that Huang was perched uncomfortably on the edge of the bed Olivia had been sleeping in for a week. And she was happy to have the wiggly, giggly distraction in her lap.
But in true Huang fashion, he put aside his own feelings regarding their location and was unmoved by the adorable child vying for his attention. "Have you been back to your apartment at all?"
Olivia blew a raspberry on Eli's hand, eliciting a series of delighted shrieks. Then she looked at Huang, idly wondering how he would react to her doing to the same to him. She already knew how Elliot would react, with the same heated stare that, as of late, he used to respond to anything she said or did. The frustration of so close, yet so far away was taking a toll on him, as it was with her. In fact, just the thought of his heated stare caused an urgent, awkward feeling to gather between her legs.
Shifting around to distract herself, she tried to focus on Huang. "I was at my apartment for a couple of days. But then Elliot had custody of Eli, so we came here."
Eli seemed to crave her attention and was much more appreciate than Huang. The baby's striking blue eyes were a testament to his paternity despite the mop of blond curls that clearly hadn't come from Elliot's side of the family. Just like his father's, those brilliant eyes appeared to brighten dramatically when Olivia met them. His whole face lit up, shining eyes spreading down his face until his mouth widened into a smile. Such unbridled joy merely from seeing her face was something she rarely had the opportunity to bask in. But while Olivia smiled at Eli's simple happiness, Huang didn't even notice.
"Does it bother you to be so dependent?" Although his voice was soft and gentle as always, his words were sharp and pointed.
Her face fell and her eyes swung back to the doctor, unaware that Eli's face mirrored her own at the loss of an audience. "I am not dependent." Too annoyed at the suggestion to continue engaging Eli, she set him in the middle of the bed. "Not on anyone or thing and I haven't been since I was his age."
Huang nodded, somehow clearly conveying the idea that he didn't believe her without bothering to say a word.
"I'm not dependent." Her tone was harsh, but she felt his comment was a low blow. There was little she found so abhorrent, at least not when it came to qualities she might possess.
Huang nodded again, making Olivia wonder if he actually knew that nodding implied agreement, since he obviously wasn't doing it right. But Huang was skilled at keeping Olivia's mind from wandering too far from intensely uncomfortable things. "How much time have you spent alone since you came home?"
Olivia toyed with the multi-colored set of plastic keys Eli had been chewing on. It took all of her concentration to make the action seem effortless and without premeditation. Still, it was easier than dealing with the truth. She shrugged, trying to make it seem relatively meaningless as well. Misleading mental health professionals was hard work. "I spend a lot of time alone." She tried to convince herself that it was true, but she knew that the amount of time she and Elliot spent in the bathroom or shower each day hardly added up to a lot, a fact that Huang wasn't likely to miss.
"I understand that you feel safe with Elliot, but it's important that you feel capable of taking care of yourself." Huang did seem to understand most things, which only made Olivia want to know why he didn't understand that she never wanted to leave Elliot's side, for any of a multitude of reasons.
For a moment, she faltered in her resolve to lie her way through every difficult minute of therapy. "Right, like I was so capable the night Howie grabbed me. I have to say it probably would have gone very differently had I been with Elliot then, don't you think?"
"Do you feel secure enough to spend a night alone in your own apartment?" Huang, in keeping with the international code of headshrinkers, ignored her sarcastic comment.
If he could ignore her pathetic defense mechanisms, Olivia, in keeping with the international code of headshrinkees, was perfectly justified in a bold-faced lie. "Absolutely." She glanced at Eli, who was trying to steal back the toy to which Olivia was clinging like it was her lifeline. "Like I said, I'm not dependent on Elliot. I like spending time with him. That's it. No secret hidden meanings."
"I'd like to see you spending at least a little time alone, to see how you handle the stress." Huang was well-versed in that international code, apparently.
Olivia plastered a fake smile across her face. "I handle stress by taking long bubble baths and getting massages when I can." Just the thought of spending a night without the comfort of Elliot's embrace seemed painful and cruel. Still, she knew exactly where the conversation was heading, because it was just the sort of conversation which would undoubtedly derail her happy little life plan of following Elliot around like a puppy for the rest of time.
Rather than the nodding she'd grown accustomed to, Huang stood up, capped his pen and closed his notebook. "Since you clearly aren't interested in continuing therapy, I'm not going to waste any more of my time. I'll recommend to Don that you be placed on permanent disability."
Olivia sprang from the bed to block his path. "What?"
Huang's eyes held a concern that wasn't reflected in his words. "You are not ready to go back to work, Olivia. And with your utter resistance to even try to discuss what happened and how you're handling it, I don't foresee you ever returning to a stressful work environment."
As skilled as Olivia prided herself for being in the area of hiding her feelings, she was ill-prepared to face the idea of never returning to her job. Her crestfallen expression certainly did a lot to convey the truth. She grabbed Huang's arm in an uncharacteristically physical display of need. "Please! You can't do that!"
Perhaps his face softened a bit, but it was hard to tell. "Unless you're going to take this seriously, Olivia, I'm afraid I don't have any other options. I won't be responsible for you getting hurt out there."
She was shaking. Actually shaking in fear of losing her career in such a, at least in her opinion, cowardly way. Clutching at Huang's sleeve, she dropped back to the bed, too weak to remain standing. "Please don't do this. I'll do anything you want. Please!"
Huang's face finally revealed something besides stoic observational skills. He looked pained, wincing at the unexpected reaction from the woman in his care. "I expected you'd be angry." He settled back beside her, carefully prying her fingers loose from his shirt. "I never thought you'd beg."
With her hands free, she wiped at her eyes as if to ward off the tears that hadn't fallen. "Anything. I swear. I'll do anything at all." She didn't bother to mention that she never thought she'd beg either, but she couldn't lose her job. Being a detective, being a sex crimes detective, defined her. It was her life. She couldn't give it up.
"I'm only going to ask for one simple thing." He waited until she made eye contact and nodded. "Stop lying to me. I need the truth and I need you to say it."
She nodded again, emphatically. "Fine. I haven't spent a night alone. But I will. I'll go home tonight. You can call to make sure."
Huang squeezed his eyes closed and shook his head, indicating that he really did know that nodding wasn't always appropriate. Unfortunately, Olivia couldn't have cared less at the moment. "I don't want to press you to do something terrifying. I want you to consider the possibility of being alone, maybe trying to stay alone for short periods of time before you work up to spending a whole night at home."
She shook her head. "No, I'll be ok. Really." Reaching behind her, she found Eli who'd been busy with his teething toy since she'd dropped it and pulled him into her lap once again. She needed something to hold onto while it felt like her whole world was crumbling. "Elliot has to go to work tomorrow anyway, so I'll just go home now." She'd studiously avoided the topic of Elliot working since he'd first mentioned it. She wanted to discuss it about as much as she wanted to sleep alone at night. "I mean, after you leave."
Huang looked defeated, hanging his head and staring at his closed book. "Please don't rush on my account. I only want to know that you're trying to deal with this seriously."
"And I am, I swear. I'll tell you about it tomorrow." She nodded at nothing in particular as she clung to Eli, needing to feel the warmth of another living, breathing soul close to her. Huang had threatened her with the worst possible outcome and she had every intention of proving him wrong.
So in a little under fifteen minutes, she was facing Elliot with tears streaking down her face as she explained that she had to leave. And she couldn't swear which one of them was crying harder.
Splintered.4
