One of these days I'm gonna run out of states. Since Phineas and Ferb and the Temple of Juatchadoon replaces the titular characters' first names with US states, I'm doing the same here.


1. State Your Business

"I am under no obligation to tell you the whereabouts of the Time Pistachio, ma'am," South Dakota hissed, slamming his drink down in frustration when Carolina wouldn't leave him alone. "Aren't there men in this backwater city you young ladies like to swoon over?"

Carolina crossed her arms. "The Dakotas are the only family in the New World with knowledge of the Time Pistachio's location. Let me tell you, I've come across cryptids, sideshow circuses, and the Eye of Gotchanose, but the Time Pistachio is unlike anything we've ever faced before. But with the Compass of the Four Winds, all I have to do is-" she felt around in her satchel, coming up empty. "-Montana! Where's the Compass of the Four Winds?"

"We lost it while hunting for Mom's necklace in the Dead Sea," Montana replied. "But on the bright side, the salt levels were high enough to keep me afloat when my life jacket malfunctioned!"

South Dakota scoffed. "Some bold explorer you are if you can't keep track of these oh-so rare and mystical artifacts. And North Dakota is my partner. Not my husband."

"Sure you aren't," Carolina drawled.

There was a clattering from the front door as another man entered the house, several heavy bags from the local market weighing him down. "Sorry about all that, Carolina Murphy," North Dakota grinned. "I just think the legend of the Time Pistachio would be best discussed over dinner. Has my husband been giving you grief?"

"You already agreed to tell her?" South Dakota asked.

"Yes, and don't listen to him when's he's all grouchy like this," North Dakota winked. "After all, I'm the only one who knows-"

"Where the Time Pistachio is?" Montana interrupted, too excited about a new adventure to pay attention to manners.

"Actually I was gonna say I'm the only one who knows about Balthy here begging for a legal name change to Dakota. But yes to your question too."

2. The Temple of the Zonians

"The Zonians depicted their king of the gods with three heads, one in the past, present, and future," Carolina said, studying the pictures on the base of the temple. One panel showed the creation of the world according to Zonian mythology, an explosion that led to the creation of Zone and a multi-eyed blob, later given form as the Time Ape.

"Race you to the top!" Montana shouted, and taking the steps two at a time.

Carolina didn't follow, expecting something to happen since ancient people usually employed plenty of defensive measures against intruders. Before Montana made it halfway up, the stairs slowly receded out and became a rough, clay slide. Montana tumbled down, landing roughly at the bottom. "Guess we have to find another way in," Carolina mused.

Thirty minutes later, they still hadn't found a way in. So far the only danger seemed to be from dying of frustration. They'd tried looking for air ducts, secret passageways, and even the age old but completely ineffective method of using spoons to dig their way in.

Carolina groaned. "What? Am I supposed to just say open sesame and be expected to let in, you stupid temple?"

All one hundred eyes on the temple's exterior glowed brightly, and a panel slid open, beckoning them to explore the unknown.

"I didn't expect that to work," Carolina said, shaking her head in disbelief. "Oh, well. Now, what was that phrase you were saying on your way here? That the last one to the Time Pistachio is a rotten, foul smelling, yellow spotted egg? Cause you're about to eat my dust, little bro!"

"Bring it!" Montana exclaimed. "Loser has to wash the winner's laundry for a month!"

3. Dramatic Speech

After dodging venomous creatures, pillars of fire, crazy cat ladies, and blowdarts, they made it into the final room of the temple with only slightly singed clothes. Towards the back, a large pistachio was propped up by support beams. Carolina ran her hand along the shell, peering into the crack to get a peek of the green nut inside. She stepped back to let Montana have a peek.

Montana stared at the Time Pistachio in awe. "Is this the part where we give a really dramatic speech and hope no bad guys try to steal the Time Pistachio under our noses?"

Carolina raised her arms to behold the glory of the Time Pistachio. "We are the first since the Zonians to witness the beauty of an oversized green nut. The legend we've heard speaks wonders of the power it possesses. It can give us a glimpse of the past, present, and future. It allows to see our dreams, our fears, our hopes. And we can't wait to show the rest of the world!"

Montana clapped, and Carolina bowed, sweeping her hat off in a graceful motion. "Way to go, sis!"

"Thanks," Carolina grinned. "I'm thinking next time we have a little dramatic lighting. And maybe some choreography too. We could duet with chorus girls in the background! Now, you try your hand at the dramatic speech! Remember, when you discover an artifact lost to the mists of time, it's important to speak from the heart."

"Okay, I'll do my best!" Montana nodded. "We've wandered through the jungle for eons, never having to eat. We were at the mercy of the monkeys, forced to live off grubs and berries until we heard about the miracles the Time Pistachio gives! And now, we've found it! Be a window to times long gone, help us in the present, and provide a foundation for generations to come!"

Carolina whistled. "Great job!"

Leaning against the wall, Montana grinned. "All in a day's work." A switch clicked behind him.

"SELF-DESTRUCT ACTIVATED. YOU HAVE FIVE MINUTES AND COUNTING BEFORE YOU DIE AN AGONIZING DEATH," a voice boomed.

"Of course, there's always the part where the temple collapses. But hey, good thing the Time Pistachio can shrink to travel size for those it deems worthy!" Carolina said, picking up the shrinking pistachio. "Now let's get out of here!"

They high-fived as they dodged collapsing beams and malfunctioning traps. "I hope the next temple will be as awesome as this!" Montana said. "Though I don't think anything will top Zonian mythology."