I love King Pistachion so much. He's a good evil daddy!


1. Road Trip

Traveling through the time-space continuum was a breeze. Traveling trough the time-space continuum with two five-year olds in tow? Not so much.

"Ow, that hurts, Rowan!" Rose complained, baring her sharp teeth at her brother.

"No punchbacks!" Rowan cackled.

Pistachion felt his eye twitch. Just another three hours to go before they hit the 13th century to meet up with Quincy, who ruled medieval England with an iron branch. He'd invited them out for a family picnic in the countryside, begging his dad to bring Rose and Rowan because he hadn't seen them in several months.

"New game, my little sprouts," he called. "It's called Quiet. Whoever is quiet the longest gets to pick the village we ransack after we eat."

Checking the mirror, Pistachion was pleased to see that Rose had puffed out her cheeks, forming a bubble. Rowan twiddled his thumbs as he stared out the window.

Thirty minutes later and there still wasn't a single peep-

"Daddy! I'm hungry! Can we steal a sheep?"

"I want goat!"

"Sheep!"

"Goat!"

Pistachon sighed. It had been nice while it lasted...

2. Teething Problems

"Welcome! I invite all you pathetic humans to grovel at my roots! You have trampled us, uprooted us, and sprayed us with disgusting chemicals and now we shall-Astrid, what are you doing? Take those out of your mouth!"

Pistachion rushed over from the podium, gently picking her up and taking the cables out of her mouth, dropping them on the floor. He debated handing her over to one of his older children to look after, but they were acting as his security for this event. They wouldn't be able to fight off lumberjacks and gardeners with a baby in their branches.

He would have to hold her.

"-and now we shall turn the tides on you! Submit now before I unleash my children on your residences! Now, my list of demands. First, Astrid, don't gum up Daddy's microphone!"

A loud screech rang throughout the stage. Astrid clapped her hands around her head and burrowed into the foliage around his neck. He bounced her up and down so she didn't cry right then and there.

"Hey sapling," Pistachion cooed, tickling her with a finger. "Daddy's trying to give an evil speech. Be good, okay?"

Astrid giggled, then climbed on his shoulder so she could gnaw on his shell instead.

"Well, that does it," Pistachion declared. "Jerry, wrap things up here. I need to go find a baby store. I refuse to be a chewing toy and a conqueror at the same time."

3. Find a Pet

The rest of his children were too concerned with terrorizing the humans and studying past adventures to even want a pet. Only Olivia had been begging him for the past few weeks to let her have one. She was seven, too young to partake in any raids but past the age for learning the basics.

The issue was deciding on a suitable pet. Dogs were too messy. Cats would claw up their bark. Birds would chirp at all hours of the day. Rabbits would just gnaw on their roots.

What about a fish? Fish were limited to the water. The tank would need to be cleaned periodically, but were easy enough to handle.

"You can get a fish," Pistachion explained. "Well, what are you waiting for?" he snapped at the sales associate, who cowered behind a desk. "Show my daughter the fish at once! I've got a siege scheduled at two, so don't be all day about it."

Olivia bounced on her toes, following the trembling sales associate to the fish section, where she squealed in delight, only to frown. "They're all so cute, but I don't know which one to get."

"Well, I am the king," Pistachion said. "We'll just take every tank you have."

"Thank you! Thank you!" Olivia shrieked, hugging his leg. He bent down briefly to return the hug, before straightening up to his full height.

"Human! My sons will be here shortly to help transport the fish tanks and supplies to their new home in the future!" He flicked a finger lazily, pinning the worker to the wall by dozens of branches that sprung from the floor. She twisted her limbs as she struggled to get free from the thicket, screaming. "Relax. They will be given strict orders to not loot the store until after Olivia has everything. Thank you for your time."