An: I just want to say sorry for the long wait between updates. I wanted to do more with this chapter and make it longer but I felt bad that it had been so long. I hope it's ok and please review! It makes my day.

tishbing

Chapter Four

The days turn into weeks and soon Kirk was past the point of morning sickness but her appetite was still gone. Her time felt more like a prison sentence than anything. She felt isolated and alone, more alone than she had ever felt before. Her anger at Bones had made things so tense between them that she hadn't seen him outside of staff meetings or medical appointments in weeks. Uhura had been keeping her distance as well but it was more of an awkward distance than outright hatred and Spock...he had taken to becoming an uncomfortable shadow. His constant watching was quickly becoming a source of stress for her. There was no support.

The crew had picked up on her unhappiness and the tension between the four senior staff but nothing much was said. Though they didn't express through words, they showed support in other ways. Chekov had taken to sitting with Kirk in the mess hall and trying to encourage her to eat while regaling her with stories of his family or sharing pieces of his favorite literature. Lt. Sulu had started bringing her flowers and fresh fruit from his hydroponics bay.

Jamie knew that she would have to inform the crew soon but what could she really say? Even though there was nothing formal between Uhura and Spock everyone knew that they were together and if they knew about Kirk then she was afraid that her crew would lose respect for her. It was only a matter of time before she wouldn't be able to hide herself in the looser pants uniforms she had taken to wearing lately.

The thought of leaving Starfleet had crossed her mind but where would she go? The only place left to her would be with her mother in San Francisco. They'd always been close and Jamie's step-father had used it to his advantage when her mom was off-planet for her work. He had loved her mom but the added baggage of two children from another man was too much especially when said children were the world to Winona. Frank had a jealous streak a mile long when it came to Winona's affections.

Most of the time Frank was the epitome of a perfect father when Winona was around but when she was gone the jealousy and resentment surfaced in an ugly way. He was abusive, both verbally and physically, to both children and wielded the children's love for their mother as a weapon by telling the children that if Winona ever found out then she would resent them for breaking them up. That she'd lose the one man in her life that she depended on and so they had kept quiet.

Winona wasn't stupid. She was an accomplished diplomat and lawyer. Like Jim, she put the puzzles together quickly. Sam's departure had been a red flag and Jim's subsequent acting out by wrecking the corvette had been the ultimate clue. Jim's injuries post accident had been minimal but scans had shown trauma that had been there previously. She had been terrified when Winona had shown up at the hospital with Sam but it was the other way around. Winona was the one scared and begging for forgiveness.

The trauma of Tarsus came soon after when she was thirteen. Winona had a big trial and couldn't bring her and Sam so they were to stay with her aunt and uncle. Jim shuddered at the memory. It had taken a lot of therapy for them to recover. Winona had never taken another assignment off planet again. She'd given up the stars to keep her children safe.

Jamie couldn't go back to her in this state. She needed to figure it out. Pulling on an oversized sweater that she had stolen from Bones, she grabbed a towel and made her way to the gym.

Fortunately, it was late and no-one was there so she had the place to herself. After carefully wrapping her hands, she stepped up to the heavyweight bag. Jamie plugged in her headphones and started blasting her loudest heavy rock she had and started punching. Each hit landed caused the bag to sway and with each hit Jim's anger grew.

Punch

Spock is such a bastard.

Kick

How dare he dictate her life!

Punch

How dare Bones!

Kick

Her life felt like it was on a collision course and she was just stuck hanging on for the ride.

Punch

Jim could feel the vibrations thudding up her arms and the skin splitting on her knuckles but the simple act of punching something felt good. It was cathartic. Her arms were growing numb and sweat was starting to sting her eyes but she kept going, relishing the pain in her fists and the rhythmic movements.

"I dunno what tha bag did to ye but I'm glad it's not me."

The sudden voice caused her to startle and swear. Jim spun on her heel and saw Scotty with his arms folded across his chest and a slight frown marring his features.

"Just working out some issues." Jim mumbled as she started to unwrap her hands and tugged out her earphones. She couldn't help grimacing as she realized how stiff and swollen her hands were, flecks of blood on the bandages.

"Aye. I can see tha'." He nodded at her hands and walked to the bench to retrieve a towel for her. Jim took it gratefully and started to wipe her face and neck.

Scotty was still there watching her and she felt a stab of annoyance.

"Yes, Mister Scott?" She snaps and of all the things he could have done, shaking his head and laughing was not one she expected.

"Yeh know...my sister was the same way. Bitter and angry but she came around in the end."

"In the end of what?"

"When she was carrying my nephew, Peter. She was always causing trouble. Drove me mum mad but when she came to terms with it, she was happy."

Jim gaped, her mouth hanging open in horror.

"Who told you?" She whispered. Scotty shrugged and gestured to the bench where he picked up a bottle of water and handed it to her. She took it gratefully and struggled to open it with her hands being so stiff. They both sat down.

"I've known for a while, lass. I may be an engineer but I know people too. When something's up I can usually figure it out. I think of the crew of the Enterprise as part of the ship and when something's off I can tell. Clara and you both had the same bewildered expression, like a deer caught in the headlights and then there's the fact that you and McCoy are on the outs. You two've been attached at the hip since I've known ye and you've been off your feed. So it's something medical but if it was tha' bad then he'd be all over you like a mother hen with her chicks."

Sometimes Scotty scared her.

"Yeah. You're right." She started to massage her wrist and hands but the movements were bordering on painful so she stopped.

"I'm not one to pry normally, cap'n but I do think ye need to clear the air with the doctor. I mean...if I was him and..."

Jim's head snapped up. "Oh my god! It's not his!"

She flushed in embarrassment and the engineer started to stutter.

"Oh..I jus thought...well..."

She couldn't help it. She started laughing at the flustering man beside her and slapped a hand to his shoulder. It felt good to laugh and soon Scotty was joining in. Once she was able to breath again she felt like a weight had been lifted slightly. The lack of judgement and support helped her feel lighter.

"You know, for a man who is as smart as you sometimes you are so dumb. I love you, man."

She gave him another slap and was about to leave when an arm wrapped around her shoulders and she was pulled into a tight hug.

"Aye. And we all love you, Jamie. Don't you forget it." His voice was rough with emotion and she found herself hugging back. She only wished what he was saying was true.

Too soon she was released.

"Now get on with ya." He gave her a pat and Jim smiled before waving her way out.

Glancing at the time she realized it was well into gamma shift and Bones was probably asleep. It was probably best to talk to him in the morning. They both had beta tomorrow so she'd catch him before lunch. Decision made, Jim headed back to her quarters. She was just turning the corner when she almost collided into Uhura. She was biting her lip and looked uncertain.

"Lieutenant." She greeted cordially and started to walk away only to be stopped short by Uhura's voice calling her. She really did not feel up to this conversation right now but she couldn't think of an excuse to get out of it. Jamie grit her teeth and turned around with a wary smile.

Even though it was late, the woman looked impeccable. Her hair was smoothly pulled back, make-up applied perfectly and her uniform spotless. She was the complete opposite of Jamie T. Kirk, especially lately.

The other woman held out a hand and gestured to Kirk's quarters. After a stunned moment, she complied. Once inside, Jim couldn't help but fidget. The sick feeling of guilt and hurt was crushing her.

"Uhura, I am so so sorry." Her shoulders were slumped and she couldn't bear to look up.

A gentle grip on her arm and Jamie looked up. Uhura frowned and her look of pity almost made Jim feel even worse.

"What you did was hurtful but you did it to save Spock. I understand that but what I don't understand is why you're continuing the pregnancy."

She felt like she'd been slapped. Incredulous rage swept through her causing her swollen hands to turn into fists.

"What?" Jim's voice was hoarse with shock that Uhura didn't know.

"You don't know?" She asked.

Now Uhura stepped back and away.

"Know what?" The darker woman's eyes narrowed in confusion.

"The Vulcan Protection Act. I can't abort a child of Vulcan descent without the say so of the Vulcan parent."

Uhura's eyes widened in horror, her hand flying to her mouth in shock.

"He won't let me." She growled. Jim could feel her shoulders shaking with hurt and anger, her earlier good mood ruined by the memory. Uhura moved closer, her arm reaching out to comfort Jim but she shook it off and turned away. She didn't want her pity.

"I'm so sorry Jim. I didn't know. Surely there can be an allowance made in this case?" She asked quietly. Jim choked back a sob and stayed still even when she felt Uhura's arms wrap around her.

"It's...it's not that I never wanted children just not like this. My career was just starting and..." After a shuddering breath she finally calmed down enough to talk but Uhura beat her to it.

"Spock didn't tell me. I think he's scared."

Uhura's breath was warm on the back of her neck and her arms were gentle but Jim remained stiff in her embrace and snorted in derision which caused her to be released. Turning to face her, there were tears in her brown eyes. Uhura continued.

"He is. I think it's because I can't have kids and even though this is so not the way he wanted it to happen he's scared of losing it. He sees this as his one chance to have a child but be with me."

Jim sat heavily on her couch and put her head in her hands to give herself time to think of a reply. It made sense but at the same time it was cruel.

"If you could have had kids, would you have?" Jamie asked quietly.

She felt a dip in the cushion next to her.

"No. Some people believe that all women want to be mothers and have children. That's not me. I love kids but I love exploring the universe and the excitement it has to offer. That was what attracted me to Spock. He was the same. All these things that you can learn and experience is just too much to handle with a child." Her brown eyes were miles away as she talked, so excited about the possibilities of her future. It was the same look Jim always got when she was on the bridge in her chair. It made her radiant.

"I can't even imagine what you're going to do." Jim let Uhura put a hand on her.

"I don't know. I guess I'll just have to figure it out." She shrugged and sighed.

"It just wouldn't be so bad if he would show some sign of support considering he wants me to continue with this."

Uhura hummed in thought.

"I think he's struggling to come to terms with it himself. He's been more closed off than usual and he's been spending more time away from me."

Jamie nodded and looked down miserably. This is exactly what she had wanted to avoid.

"I'm sorry."

"No. No, he's still affectionate with me but he's been more..." She seemed to struggle with the wording. "...vulcan than usual."

That hurt a little but it wasn't her place to want affection from Spock. She'd done enough damage.

"Are you mad at me, Uhura?" It was the main thought going through her mind. She was scared of losing her friendship because of her feelings for Spock and now this.

Uhura gripped Jamie's hands and looked into her eyes. Jamie held back her flinch of pain under the unexpected movement.

"No. I'm not mad." She squeezed Jim's hands and she couldn't hold back the flinch which Uhura picked up on.

"Oh my god! What happened to your hands?" She turned the swollen fingers and knuckles in her smaller hands with wide eyes.

"I'm fine. I lost track of time with the punching bag." She mumbled and pulled her hands away but Uhura didn't look convinced.

"Are you supposed to...you know..." She frowned slightly and fidgeted. "...in your condition?"

Jamie laughed bitterly and rolled her eyes. "I'm not on restricted duties or anything but I'll be fine."

"Alright. If you're sure?"

Jim nodded. "Thanks, Uhura." She smiled. "We good?"

Uhura returned the smile and leaned forward, hugging the paler woman. "We're good."

Uhura left soon after and Jim relaxed into the cushions of her couch.