Chapter Nineteen

Spock felt torn in two. His sense of duty warred with his desire to see his mate and child. He had missed so much. He did not want to miss more but he knew that he would not be welcome. He needed to show her...both of them, Jamie and Elizabeth, that he was willing to try to work with them. To be a part of their family without ripping it further apart.

They trudged through the rain, their feet occasionally slipping in the mud towards the farmhouse. Sulu and Hendorff moved closer to flank the Commander.

"Was that really the captain?" Sulu asked.

Spock would have known her anywhere. The sight of her so broken in front of him was burned into his eyelids every time he blinked. It was too familiar; too close to when he had lost her during Khan's rampage.

"Yes, lieutenant." His reply was clipped and he continued to walk to the farmhouse. They would need assistance with the equipment. He listened as Hendorff and Sulu talked amongst themselves, speculating why the captain was on such a backwater planet. Spock felt a pang of guilt at the fact that it was because of him.

They finally got to the door as it slammed open, a young blond woman and three large men, all in rain gear, stepped out. Spock immediately recognized the woman. He remembered her caring for his father on the ship after the loss of their home world.

"Nurse Chapel." He greeted and the woman paled, her stance becoming defensive as she recognized their visitors.

"It's Doctor Chapel, actually." She looked them over and her lips thinned in displeasure. "I thought the Intrepid was coming."

"Hikaru. Thomas." She greeted two of their team stiffly and nodded to the ensign she didn't know.

"As you can see, the Enterprise was rerouted when the Intrepid was called away." He couldn't help looking over Chapel's shoulder, hoping to see a glimpse of his daughter and his heart squeezed in his side as he saw her in the crowd of people being held and bounced in an older woman's arms as she cried, her blond hair tangled as she tugged on it in frustration crying for 'mommy'.

Chapel noticed Spock's distraction and looked torn. "Jamie's missing. We knew something was wrong when her daughter started screaming and then we heard the crash. We were heading out to look for her. She might be hurt."

Sulu moved forward at seeing Spock's distraction. "We found her. The Enterprise beamed her up with Dr. McCoy. She didn't look good."

Elizabeth's cries became louder as she clutched at her head and started fighting. She was far too young to be separated from her mother. Too young to have the mental discipline to dampen the bond to separate her mother's hurt from her own and Jamie likely didn't have the ability in her condition to do so. Many vulcan children had suffered extreme psychic damage after the demise of their home planet due to the loss of their familial bonds.

Spock tried to get past Chapel who moved to block him as soon as he made a move towards his daughter. He suppressed his anger at being kept from his child who was in distress. She needed help that only he or a healer could provide.

"What are you going to do, Commander?" She asked carefully. She knew that Vulcan males were territorial, especially where their mates or offspring were concerned. Even though Spock didn't have a parental bond with Elizabeth, his instincts knew that she was his child.

"My daughter is suffering with a strained bond. She needs help."

Chapel looked poised to argue but the screams of Elizabeth swayed her. Spock breathed a sigh of relief knowing that Elizabeth could be saved further pain and damage.

Lt. Sulu, Hendorff, and Ensign Yamada worked with coordinating the retrieval of the supplies while Spock tended to his immediate concern. His fix would only be a temporary one at best until either Jim healed or an experienced healer repaired the damage. He moved to take the child from the older woman but she held on tight, glaring, and Spock knew she must have figured out that he was the estranged parent that Jim had fled from.

"You may think I'm naive, Commander Spock, but I know who you are and who this girl's mother is despite her hiding behind a fake name. I knew who she was the minute she set foot in this house but I promised myself I was gonna keep her and this baby safe and happy. I swear if you hurt one hair on either of their heads or take this child from her mother I will hunt you down and destroy you. I know I'm not the only one who would. There would be no place in the universe you could hide."

Spock knew she would. Elizabeth whimpered into her shoulder, perhaps sensing the protectiveness of her caregiver soothing the ragged edges of her bond.

"Understood." He reached out and immediately Elizabeth started thrashing in his arms. Spock's shields were barely able to combat the overwhelming fear she had. It was of him. It shocked Spock to the core. Had Jamie spoken ill of him? Had she instilled this fear?

Spock reached out and easily outmaneuvered the small child, carefully placing his fingers on the side of her small face, projecting calm and peace. The child stilled, looking at him with his mother's, Amanda's eyes. She was beautiful. Spock could stare at her all day, never able to get enough of her. She had curly blond hair, slightly different from Jamie's but just as golden that framed her small chubby face.

"Be calm, pi-veh. Be calm, my little one. I am here to help. I will not take you away from your ko-mekh. I am your father. I will assist you in your struggles. Allow me to help." The lack of privacy and quiet made the joining a difficult one. He could sense extreme trepidation and fear.

The child struggled to lower her weak shields slightly, only enough to allow him to touch the bond between her and Jamie. He could see it was red and swollen, almost as if it was infected. The strength of the bond surprised him considering she was not fully Vulcan. He could feel Elizabeth's anger at his musings.

He soothed the edges carefully, blocking Jamie enough to where it was not painful for the child but still allowing her access to her mother. The urge to bond with her and complete his connection with his child was strong but he could tell that Elizabeth would fight it. He needed to build trust.

He asked mentally why she did not trust him. She answered clumsily in the way a toddler would. She had caught glimpses in her mother's mind of the fear, seen the way that she had loved Spock with everything she had but had been rejected in every way possible, the betrayal felt when he had brought up her history and tried to take her away from her ko-mekh. It was shocking and Spock felt sick at the images flowing in his mind from the child. She showed him that Jamie had never said a word about the hurt but that Elizabeth had felt it despite the nice things she said about her father. It had been confusing for her. To feel one thing through her touch telepathy and bond but to hear another. There was a lot she didn't understand because she was small but she understood feelings. Her grandfather and Uncle Selek had been teaching her control because sometimes she got overwhelmed. Her mother continued the teachings and she tried so hard but she could sense such sadness and fear in her mommy that sometimes it bled into her by accident so mommy had started learning too.

Spock carefully withdrew, mentally caressing and praising Elizabeth. He could feel her exhaustion and he was pleased that she had fallen into a doze in his arms as he fully withdrew, her weight a welcome feel.

"I'll take her from here." The older woman took his child and Spock suppressed his instincts to pull Elizabeth to him, to hold his child and spirit her and Jamie away. To show them how sorry he was, how much he wished he could take everything back, to prove he could be a worthy mate and father.

Spock watched as his daughter was carried away, her arms wrapping around the older woman's neck, fully trusting and it hurt.

He collected himself, forcing calm and reenforcing his shields to block out the many beings surrounding him in the small farmhouse. Breathing deeply, he turned to face Lt. Sulu when it hit.

A sudden wrenching feeling as if a part of his mind was being ripped away from him, his katra screaming in agony as half of his soul is torn away and leaving a gaping wound, bleeding and agonizing. Spock stumbled to his knees, his heart squeezing in his side. He had felt this agony once before. Had had someone to blame. Khan. This time, though, he only had himself to blame.

His vision darkened and tunneled and he could hear Elizabeth screaming as he fought his own screams of anguish. It couldn't be possible. After all this time. He hadn't even had a chance. His bond frayed and snapped, the wall between them that Selek had placed crumbled and tore as there was nothing to protect any longer.

"Christine! We need you!" The older woman shouted and it was if it was under water as Spock swayed and fell onto his bottom, his legs no longer able to support him.

Jamie was dead.

He felt hands on him but he shook them off, fighting to stand but his feet wouldn't cooperate. Voices and lights suddenly became too bright and he cringed.

"They're both going into shock. I need my bag from upstairs, Delilah! Hurry!"

Christine Chapel's face swam into view and it was too close. She wasn't his Jamie. He needed Jamie. He jerked back and found himself looking up at the ceiling.

"It's alright, commander. I've got you." Her words brought no comfort. It was as if he was experiencing the loss of Vulcan and Jamie's death in the warp core at the same time. A black hole was in his mind where his and Jamie's bond had been. How had he not realized this? How had he not known!

He felt a sting to his neck and he could breathe. Lights and sounds turned down and he could focus but it did nothing to the overwhelming sense of loss he felt.

"Commander, are you alright?" Lt. Sulu helped him up and had his communicator out, waiting.

Spock was shaky on his feet and looked around to find Elizabeth. He saw his daughter was unconscious, Dr. Chapel hovering and whispering urgently to the older woman holding her.

Spock moved closer, ignoring the lieutenant, and focusing on Elizabeth. "Is she-?"

Chapel looked up while preparing another hypo. "She's not ok. She's gone into psychic shock and needs a healer or her mother. She needs close physical contact with someone she trusts and we don't have that here. She needs to go to the Enterprise and-" She took a deep breath, shaking her head and blinking back tears. "-if it is what I think, and Jamie has died and that broke the bond, then she needs a healer, Selek, or Sarek."

Spock reached forward but a glare from Chapel stopped him. "No, Spock. Right now you are just as hurt. You are only able to cope better because you're an adult. You need to go back to the ship, too. You need to meditate and try and heal. If I was on staff you would be relieved of duty." Chapel turned to Sulu. "Is M'Benga still on staff?"

The lieutenant glanced at him briefly, knowing that if he was unable to hold his daughter when his husband had just died and seeing his child in pain-it would kill him. "Yes, Doctor. The storm has passed enough now to use transporters."

She stood and took the child, carefully handing her charge to Sulu. "They need to get back to sickbay. I've sedated her but she need M'Benga's expertise." Her blue eyes looked back, full of pity and Spock struggled to keep himself calm. He clamped down, surrounding the area where Jamie had once been with walls but he knew they were weak, that the temporary lull in pain was just that, temporary.

"Sulu to Enterprise. The commander has fallen ill and we have another patient that needs Dr. M'Benga." He moved closer to Spock. "Request permission to beam up and have replacements sent."

"Understood. Stand by for transport. A medical team will meet you in the transporter room."

Sulu shifted the toddler in his arms and took his place next to him and Spock watched as the crowded farmhouse shimmered out of existence and into the transporter room. The last time Jamie had died there had been someone to take his vengeance out on, to right a universal wrong but now?

He needed to see her.

The walk to sickbay seemed like miles. He followed behind the stretcher carrying the small, still form of his daughter. The sickbay was a hive of activity, controlled chaos surrounded them but Spock was searching for McCoy. He needed to know.

Geoffrey walked over to them as the nurses settled Elizabeth onto a biobed, the screen lighting up with her vitals. The man's lips thinned as he scanned her, barking out orders that the staff hurried to follow. Medications were pushed, an IV was placed, and a neural blocker placed on her small forehead but there was little improvement. He heard the doctor request the Enterprise contact New Vulcan. He felt helpless, detached.

"Commander, I need to check you over." M'Benga's deep voice broke through Spock's thoughts and he allowed the scan.

"You're stable but suffering from a broken bond, as I'm sure you know. You'll need more lexorin to help stabilize until you can meditate and heal." The Doctor prepared another shot and Spock stayed still until he was finished.

"The captain?"

M'Benga sighed and rubbed a hand down his face. "Dr. McCoy's still working on her. She's in critical but stable condition though."

A spark of hope. "So she's not-"

"No, Mr. Spock. What you and Elizabeth likely felt was when her heart stopped. The sac around her heart had filled with blood and, until it had been drained, it caused the heart to stop beating. It's called cardiac tamponade. She had a small bleed in her brain which was resolved quickly, broken ribs which punctured her right lung, broken right clavicle,

left leg broken in three places, some internal bleeding but it's looking like she'll pull through. She'll be a patient for a while though. It'll be at least a few days for us here and then several weeks before we get to the next Starbase. We're taking the more serious cases to Starbase Aries since the hospital will take a while to get fully running again on Beta Sigma."

"And the child?" Spock swallowed hard at the thought that they still may run.

M'Benga smiled, his brown eyes warm. "Did you want to hold your daughter?"

"Yes." Spock breathed the word, feeling anxious but excited, his Vulcan training failing him.

M'Benga went to Elizabeth's biobed and, with the assistance of one of the nurses, lifted her and set the head of the bed up for Spock to slide in. He started to lower the tiny blond.

"Wait. Chapel said that I could not touch her."

M'Benga just chuckled and lowered her into his arms. "Chris was worried because both of you were unstable. She knew your mind would naturally try to bond with your child's and, in the state you both were in it'd be dangerous. It still is but with her wearing the neural blocker you'll both be safe."

Spock held her carefully, as if she was made of spun glass and just as fragile. He could feel tiny huffs of air as she breathed. She smelled of Jamie and lavender. Stroking her hair, Spock realized how soft the strands were. Softer than his and much finer. Her small arms still had lines showing the baby fat and her cheeks were round with long eyelashes resting on top. She was perfect.

"I'm taking you off duty for the next several days. I've already informed the captain but you're going to need to meditate to fully heal." M'Benga placed a cortical monitor on both of them.

"And how will Elizabeth heal?"

"Kids are tough and a lot easier. Once her mother stabilizes we'll place her with her and remove the block. She'll naturally re-bond with her mother since her mind will automatically recognize her." He closed his eyes and sighed, his face darkening. "With adults, it's different. It's not an instinctual thing, usually. You would need to physically meld with Jamie to re-establish your bond and, from what I have heard, I'm not too sure she'd allow that. For you to join with Elizabeth in a parental bond, since you were not there when she was born, it'd be similar but her mind may reject yours until she trusts you. It may take time."

He looked up as he heard the doors open from the surgical bay, McCoy pulling off his scrub cap as he entered orders onto a PADD and followed the gurney. He saw Jamie, bandages covering her head and hiding her hair, her arm in a stabilizer unit and the sheets suspended over her left leg. There was a tube down her throat and she looked as still as death but the monitor showed she was alive and Spock breathed a sigh of relief.

Time, now that he had it, was something he could give.