Chapter Twenty
Agony. Searing pain. Unending torment and then...calm. Jamie slept on, finally feeling a small presence curling in the back of her mind like a small kitten, helping to heal an integral part of her that was broken. Peace.
Jamie felt like she was floating. Unable to move much but she could feel the pain in her head, her chest, her left leg. It hurt but somehow she didn't really care. She felt a weight on her left side curled into her, a tiny hand under her gown pressed onto her ribs under her breast with a small head on her shoulder.
She tried to open her eyes but she was so tired. Everything hurt but at the same time it was a distant pain, almost as if it wasn't a part of her, somehow...disconnected.
She twitched her left arm and felt the small weight next to her pull closer and then the pain that had been at a distance came a hell of a lot closer. "Shiiiit." She hissed, her eyes wrenching open at the pain.
Bright lights pierced her eyes and she squeezed them shut again. The weight at her side suddenly disappeared and she tried to pull it back to her but gentle hands pushed her back down.
"Easy, Jamie. Just relax."
She knew that voice but he shouldn't be here. She was on Beta Sigma. Wasn't she?
"Take deep breaths. That's it."
She heard the slow southern drawl, an undercurrent of worry in his voice despite the calm deliverance of his words.
A hiss and sting to her neck, inordinately loud despite alarms going off in the background and her eyes flew open in response. Sickbay?
"Hey, kid. You gave everyone quite a scare because your stupid ass decided it was a good idea to go out in the middle of a storm." McCoy looked down at her and Jamie thought he looked like a worried parent scolding a child as his face swam into view. She blinked, confused at why he would be there.
"Bones?" She croaked and swallowed against the parched feeling in her throat and Bones brought a glass with a straw to her mouth as he adjusted the head of the bed until she was sat reclining. She drank greedily, savoring the water but he pulled it away too fast.
She looked around, recognizing the walls and set up from Bones' pictures. Yup. She was definitely on the Enterprise. God, she was tired. Whatever Bones had her on, it was the good stuff. She closed her eyes. She remembered riding her horse in the rain to get...something and then? A shuttle?
"Hey hey hey, none of that. I need to check you over then you can go back to sleep." He grumbled and lifted her gown, poking at her belly and she, hissed through clenched teeth, batting his hands away with her good arm.
"Did you land a shuttle on me?" She asked and McCoy winced as he lifted the sheet and looked at her leg, running a scanner over it and frowning at the result.
"I always knew you were a bad driver but..." She laughed, quickly stopping when it hurt.
"Technically, Sulu and Spock landed a shuttle on you."
At the sound of Spock's name the blood rushed from her face, as if a bucket of ice water had been dumped over her head. She searched her mind for her link between herself and Elizabeth but found it intact and whole, a bubbly happiness coming from her daughter's end but...there was something missing, something integral. Jamie let it go to focus on Liz.
"Where is she?" Jamie asked, her eyes darting around the room, knowing that, despite the link telling her that her daughter was near and happy, she wouldn't believe it until she saw it with her own two eyes.
"Where is he?" The primal fear of someone taking her child away, knowing that Spock had tried and may try again now that their cover had been blown, reared it's ugly head.
"He's on duty and Liz is with my nurses..." He glared at the door but there was no heat. "...charming them into making balloon animals out of my limited supply of gloves."
"The colony?"
"They're fine. The Intrepid and Columbia showed up and are finishing relief efforts since we got called away a few days ago."
And he was definitely hiding something. He finished with her leg, not meeting her eyes and moved over to her right shoulder, adjusting the bone-knitter attached. A sick pool of dread filled her stomach.
"How long was I out and where are we?" She asked lowly.
McCoy met her eyes, a stubborn glint lighting up the brown. "Beta quadrant on our way to negotiate a dilithium mining contract."
Jamie's fist clenched in the sheets so hard she was surprised she didn't rip them. "The fuck, Bones?! You fucking kidnapped me?"
Her friend wasn't backing down. "The captain and I determined the best course was for you to remain on the Enterprise at least until you recover."
She laughed but there was no humor in it. Instead, she was rapidly approaching pissed off. "Oh, so the captain and you decided. You two decided to tear me away from my home, from the only home that Elizabeth has ever known for what? My wellbeing?"
"The Enterprise needs her captain and you need us. It's time to stop hiding, kid."
"I'm not her captain anymore in case you forgot. I have a responsibility to my daughter."
McCoy slammed the hypospray in his hand onto the tray, startling Jamie, his face red. "Oh, yes you fucking are! Why else would the admiralty put a man who is a hairsbreadth away from retirement into the captain's chair of the fleet's flagship." He closed his eyes, slowing his heavy breathing from his rant. "You may have a responsibility to Elizabeth but you also have a responsibility to the rest of the damn galaxy and the crew of the Enterprise. This is your home."
"There's a damn good reason why this isn't my home anymore." She snapped.
McCoy rolled his eyes skyward. "Stop being such a damn drama queen. Has Spock suddenly ran off with Elizabeth? No. Has he been respecting yours and Elizabeth's boundaries? Yes." The buzzer on the wall sounded behind him and McCoy grumbled. "Speaking of the pointy-eared menace."
He slapped the button on the comm panel. "McCoy here."
"This is Commander Spock. I am requesting an update on the captain's condition."
Jamie's heart beat faster hearing his voice, a confusing mix of longing and fear filling her. Well, her mother always did say she had a streak of masochism a mile wide but, even she was too scared of this one.
"He's been comming us every hour on the hour worried about you. I've had to force him to sleep which isn't easy." He turned from her and hit the button to reply. "Yes, Spock, she's awake. No, she isn't ready for visitors, yet. McCoy out." He hit disconnect before Spock could reply.
"Has he...met his daughter?" She asked carefully. She'd never considered how they would meet, focusing solely on keeping her safe.
"Yeah. He's met her." McCoy sighed and pulled a rolling stool next to her bed, studying her intently. She squirmed under the attention.
"Do you notice...anything different?"
"What do you mean different?"
He tapped a finger against his temple. "In there."
"No. I feel fine. I-" Jamie closed her eyes. There was something different. Something missing. She hadn't noticed it before because it had been blocked for so long. "My bond with Spock? It's gone?" She searched her mind for the part of her that was connected to Spock but couldn't find it. In it's place was a raw, painful looking scar. She mentally poked it. It hurt slightly but it was manageable.
It was a good thing, right? Spock could now marry whoever he wanted. A small part of her disagreed.
"How? I was told it was dangerous."
"Well, when you died-twice I might add," he shot a glare at her. "it broke the bonds you had to protect them. Liz's re-formed naturally but Spock's didn't. We brought a mind healer on board to, as they put it, soothe the jagged edges of the break. The healer suggested, due to your immature mind-"
"Hey!"
McCoy smirked at her outburst but became serious as he continued. "-that we keep you in a medically induced coma for a few days to let you heal since humans cannot go into a healing trance."
Jamie ran a hand through her hair, trying to process everything when her fingers encountered short strands. "Did you cut my hair off?"
"Priorities, Jim?" He rolled over, grabbed a small hand mirror from the counter and gave it to her.
Jamie pulled it up and took stock of her face. She looked thinner, yellow fading bruises around her left eye but her eyes were blue now, not the green she had become accustomed to during her stay at Beta Sigma. Her hair was extremely short and back to it's natural blond color in a pixie cut. She wasn't sure if she liked it.
"Why?"
"You had a small bleed in your brain. We had to shave it all off. Nurse Thae and I restored what we could with a stimulator but it'll be a while for it to grow back."
She touched the edge of her bangs and looked closer.
"I'm a doctor, not a hairdresser so deal with it." He grabbed the mirror and put it on the tray.
"You know you've got half the crew waiting to see you. Hell, they've already been charmed by your mini-you to the point that there's been a time limit assigned to the visits."
Jamie looked away, thinking. It had been hard enough leaving the first time. Seeing them again, she didn't know how she'd do it a second time. Fortunately, she was saved from replying by a blond blur holding a stuffed sehlat scrabbling up onto her bed.
"Mama!"
She jostled her leg and Jamie bit back a scream. McCoy snatched the toddler away as she fought to control her pain.
"Remember, sweetheart, gentle." McCoy bounced Elizabeth who had started to cry in distress. She hiccuped and pointed to Jamie.
"Mama, ow?"
"Yeah, your mama has an owie." He carefully placed Liz in Jamie's arms once her breathing slowed where she climbed up and kissed her on the head, petting her in apology.
Warmth flooded her and the lingering pain disappeared as McCoy adjusted her IV.
"Hey, baby. Come here." Jamie tucked her arm around her daughter while she settled next to her, thumb in mouth and closing her eyes.
"When can we leave?"
Jamie focused on Liz, brushing a stubborn curl behind her delicate pointed ear, missing McCoy's glare.
"You've got at least two more surgeries on that leg, not to mention at least two months of physical therapy so you do the math, kid genius."
"And why can't I get treatment at a Starbase?" Jamie asked and looked up. Her voice may have been calm but she wasn't.
"Because I'm a possessive bastard and you're my patient so suck it up, buttercup. You're staying."
Sometimes, she hated Bones.
"You do know you're gonna have to talk to Spock at some point."
Jamie's grip on her daughter tightened and Liz whimpered in her sleep, forcing her to relax her hold.
"Yeah. I know. Just...not right now." She said quietly.
McCoy sighed, looking far older than his years. She knew she was responsible for some of those gray hairs on his head.
"As much as it pains me to say it, Jamie, you need to give him a chance. For Elizabeth's sake. He has changed." He gestured around him. "Hell, he helped design this new ship and made it possible for families to serve on the Enterprise together."
Jamie's brows drew down. "Your memory is far too short, Doctor."
"And perhaps yours is too long. All I'm asking is to give him a chance. You don't have to forgive him, yet."
"Fine. Let him in." She snapped, gesturing for him to take Liz so that she could focus on just Spock.
He carefully lifted the child and Jamie's heart clenched in fear as Elizabeth went out of her eyesight. She hated that Spock had reduced her to this.
She smoothed the blankets and tried to tame her bed-head when she suddenly stopped and realized...she was nervous? Why would she care what she looked like? She shook her head and shoved those thoughts away.
Spock walked and and Jamie sucked in a breath. She was shocked at his appearance. He was pale, far paler than she remembered. His body was thin, as if he'd simply foregone food and there were dark circles under his eyes making Jamie wondered when the last time he slept was. He looked like a plant that had been neglected and her heart clenched in her chest at seeing him like this. He looked defeated.
"Commander? Are you ok?" She asked carefully.
Spock flinched at the use of his title and Jamie waited, giving him time for him to make the next move but when he looked up at her it broke her heart. His brown eyes were filled with longing and a sadness that seemed to swallow him whole.
"I am well."
"Bullshit."
Spock blinked in surprise and Jamie indicated the chair next to her bed. McCoy had been right. He was going to be insufferable when she told him.
"So...I heard you landed a shuttlecraft on me." She smiled and meant it in jest but Spock seemed to curl in on himself further.
"I apologize. The electronics failed when-"
"Spock! Relax. I know you didn't aim for me." Jesus, this was painful.
"Have you met Elizabeth, yet? She has your eyes and your ears." Jamie smiled in a way that she hoped was inviting. She'd wanted to share her daughter with Spock up until the point that he'd tried to take her. She still had that underlying fear but, seeing Spock like this, it started to fade slightly.
"She is afraid of me."
"What? Why? I never told her anything that would scare her." Frowning, Jamie thought back over the last eighteen months and came up blank.
"She sensed your fear through your paternal bond." He said, his voice hollow.
"Oh, shit. I'm so sorry, Spock. I didn't mean for her to know." She reached out, intending to try and comfort Spock but she couldn't reach him and he didn't move any closer. Her heart physically hurt from the guilt that she had tainted her daughter's potential relationship to her father.
Spock looked up, eyes wide. "It is I who should be apologizing. Jamie, I caused the fear and pain that you suffered at my hand. I ask that you allow me to rectify this."
And damn if he didn't look hopeful. She knew his control was failing him and Jamie nodded.
"I think Elizabeth will come around. She's young and I want her to get to know you as much as she can before we have to go home. Since you know where we are, you can visit and we can share custody."
Spock looked like he'd been punched. "You would not choose to remain on the Enterprise? Families are now able to be together onboard."
"It's not my ship, Spock. I resigned, remember? I don't have a place here anymore and then there's my research back at Beta Sigma..." She paused at Spock's expression.
"There are adequate science labs on board." He replied.
She sighed, frustrated because he didn't seem to understand. As much as she would love coming back here, she couldn't. "Spock, I have no place here anymore. There's a new captain, a whole new ship...I can't uproot Elizabeth from her home."
And this was where it really hurt. Looking down, Jamie picked at the blanket, pulling at a loose thread. "And now that we're no longer bonded you can move on, find someone who will make you happy." She couldn't stand the thought of watching that; of seeing someone with Spock all over again and her be shoved aside, never good enough, just a fuck up with a fucked up history.
Spock looked devastated and Jamie didn't understand why. Wasn't this what he wanted? To not be stuck with her? He'd still have Elizabeth.
"I could maybe move closer so you could see our daughter more if you can't get to us at Beta Sigma that easily? Maybe a different colony or Starbase?" Jamie asked hesitantly but Spock face didn't change. In fact, it looked like she'd cut out his heart.
"Say something! Work with me here! I am trying my best here. What do you want!?" Jamie shouted.
"You. I want you and Elizabeth here. I want to try to atone for all of my wrongdoings. I want to be by your side. I want this chance, Jamie. I ask you to allow me this."
You hear it enough, you start to believe it. The bad stuff. But this...this was very hard to believe, almost impossible. Why would he want her to stay on the Enterprise? Elizabeth, she could understand but her? He had to just be talking about their daughter because of his fear that she would keep her from him.
"Spock, we come as a package deal. I can't leave her here without me." Her eyes prickled with tears and she took a deep breath to force them away. "It would kill me to be away from her."
Spock reached forward, his warm hand covering hers and immediately warmth, affection...love blasted into her mind. Desperation hit as he pushed these feeling to her, almost as if he was begging her. Jamie ripped her hand away and Spock cringed from her rejection as if she'd physically slapped him. "Spock, you know I can't come back to the ship. I lost her." Tight bands wrapped around her ribs, squeezing the air out of her lungs. She missed being a captain, adventure always around the corner but her daughter came first.
"The Enterprise is not the same without you as you will come to see during your stay here. I implore you to reconsider, to allow me the time to convince you to stay and..." He took a deep breath, steeling himself to fight against her resistance. "...allow me to be a part of your life."
"Spock-"
"When our bond broke-it tore me in two, half of my soul, the perfect half was ripped from me and I regret, with each passing moment, that I did not treasure it, treasure you, when I had the chance." Setting his jaw, Spock straightened, determination shining though and Jamie saw the change in him. "I will show you how much you mean to me, that I am truly sorry for everything I have done and I promise you that I will do everything in my power to convince you to stay."
