Chapter Twenty-One

Spock completed his meditation, still struggling to center himself. The past two weeks had been...difficult. Jamie had yet to interact with him without the presence of another person since their initial conversation but she was frustratingly polite and civil so Spock had no logical reason to complain but it grated on him.

He knew that he was the only person on board that Jamie had been seeing with a "chaperone" type situation. Lt. Comdr. Scott and his heavily pregnant wife Carol Marcus had visited, M'Ress had spent hours playing kal-toh with her, Chekov had snuck in with multiple crew members, including Lt. Hendorff and Keenser, and set up a poker game (much to the irritation of Dr. McCoy). Even Sulu had spent almost an entire day conferring with the captain on her research progress on the quadrotriticale grain.

The only person who had not been in to see the captain, despite her many requests, was their current captain, Fitzpatrick. Spock could only speculate the reasoning behind Fitzpatrick's reluctance to see Jamie however, he did know that it was making Jamie very angry as time wore on.

She did continuously encourage Elizabeth to spend time with him, ensuring that she was in a good mood and scheduling their time so their daughter was fresh from a nap but the moment she saw who was taking her the child simply shut down. His daughter was unfailingly loyal and protective of her mother. There was also the fact that Spock simply did not know how to speak to a child, let alone how to "play". His own childhood was quite different so he was unable to use that as a reference. His parents had never been at odds to this degree.

Spock had been attempting research on building a relationship with Elizabeth through information from his computer and from the childcare specialists that worked in the classrooms and the daycare that Elizabeth went to during most of alpha shift but had been met with limited success but there had been one moment that had given him hope.

xXx

Spock had been fortunate enough to complete his duties early enough to have lunch with Jamie and Elizabeth. Both Jamie and he had agreed that it would be helpful to create a relationship between his daughter and him if they spent time together in a civil manner.

Spock looked at the replicator, hesitating over the selections far longer than was necessary. It felt like a test that he was failing constantly. His efforts were unsuccessful frequently. Conversations were stilted and awkward in the extreme despite Jamie's efforts to assist with him building something with Elizabeth. He had not been this out of his element since his youth on Vulcan and, more recently, since the circumstances of Jamie's departure from the Enterprise when her pregnancy and the reasons for her leaving had become known. Things had only recently become amicable between the crew and himself.

He thought back to their first shared meal and decided that the food from then had been received well so it may be suitable to repeat the experience. Putting in the appropriate codes, he put the food on a tray. Plomeek soup and kreyla bread for himself and Elizabeth while Jamie had a chicken sandwich. He had been surprised that she had introduced vulcan fare to their daughter along with educating her about her Vulcan ancestry and culture at an equal level with her human heritage. He had not had that level of education, his being focused on the vulcan way.

Walking into the private room, he gestured with the tray and Jamie gave a polite smile though it didn't reach her eyes. Elizabeth was chattering to her mother and pointing while a video was playing on a PADD propped up on a bedside table. Though she looked much better, the past two weeks confinement in the medbay had clearly been wearing on her. She was frequently tense and frustrated. Her leg was still a long way from healed with a boot and knee brace to keep it stabilized due to an infection that had been resistant to most standard forms of treatment. Some muscle had had to be removed as well as skin so she was being forced to undergo the painful and lengthy process of re-growing what was lost and her body having to re-learn how to function.

"Look, Elizabeth, it's your sa-mekh." Jamie told her. "He's brought lunch for us."

Elizabeth turned brown eyes on him and immediately scowled, clutching her stuffed sehlat closer to her.

"Hello, Elizabeth." He placed the tray next to the PADD and separated the food, placing each plate in front of their intended person.

"Why don't you say hello, sweetheart?" Jamie encouraged.

"No!" She shouted and shoved the tray, knocking the food to the floor and bed, soaking the sheets and Jamie's leg, causing the woman to pale in pain as the hot soup landed on her healing limb. Spock hit the call button for the nurse and immediately went to Jamie's side but she simply took a deep breath to control her pain but the surprise had yet to leave her face.

"Elizabeth Saavik S'Chn T'Gai Kirk!" Kirk exclaimed, her face a mask of shock and the small child's expression matched.

"Mommy?" Her lip quivered and Spock's heart clenched in his side at the sound of her voice but Jamie was unmoved, clearly used to correcting her behavior. He was unsure if he would be as unmoved at the sight of watery brown eyes and a trembling bottom lip.

"That was a bad choice." Jim gasped as she closed her hands into fists, turning even more white in her agony but trying to remain calm in front of their child despite it. "You will apologize to your sa-mekh and help clean up this mess or you will go in time out."

Elizabeth looked unsure but whatever she saw in her mother's eyes convinced her to comply. "Sorry I's bad." She mumbled and slid off the bed to pick up the dishes and Spock collected towels from the cabinet.

"It is quite alright, Elizabeth. We are getting to know each other."

She nodded, blond curls bouncing and they continued to clean up the mess while a nurse helped Jamie with her boot, brace and the sheets, quickly administering a hypospray to assist with the pain.

"Spock, why don't you try adding goldfish with Liz's soup?" Her voice was rough but the medication seemed to calm and relieve her enough for her to return to her previous state.

"Goldfish?" Spock asked, confused.

The toddler's face lit up and Spock promised himself to do anything he could to try and see that sight as much as possible even though he did not know what goldfish had to do with food.

Jamie chuckled, clearly seeing his confusion. "They're cheese crackers in the shape of fish." She turned to Elizabeth, smiling brightly in an almost devious way. "Your sa-mekh doesn't know about goldfish. I bet he'd love some to swim in his soup too, don't you think?"

"Yes!"

Spock held up a finger to protest that he did not want "goldfish" in his soup when Jamie shot him a sharp warning glance that sent a thrill of fear down his spine. "I would appreciate the chance to try goldfish." He demurred.

Elizabeth squealed and Jamie sent her with Ensign So Sa to collect the food.

"You need to relax around her otherwise she'll never connect with you, Spock." The blond shifted in her bed, wincing as she moved her leg. "And sometimes that means even eating goldfish to make her happy."

A warm feeling settled in his chest at her reaching out to him. It was small but it was something.

Elizabeth came bouncing back into the room carrying their lunch, spilling some as she handed a bowl to him filled with the orange soup and several fish shaped crackers "swimming".

He looked down at his daughter's hopeful face he took a bite. It was an interesting but not unpleasant flavor. "It is good. Thank you, Elizabeth." When she smiled and clapped Spock thought he could definitely do this.

xXx

"Well, well, well, it just gets more fun every day."

Spock blinked and glared at Trelane, this time adorned in science blues and lounging on the floor in front of him.

"What do you want?"

The omnipotent being smiled, teeth gleaming and eyes bright with interest as he watched Spock. "Nothing at all. I was just checking in to see the results and they are-" His smile grew wider. "-very interesting results indeed."

Spock saw red but settled for clenching his fists, the nails biting into his palms. Trelane eyed him, clearly seeing his struggle.

"I see you're learning." He grew serious, sitting up and mimicking a meditation pose. "And it only took losing everything to do so." He tsked.

Spock bit his tongue, wanting nothing more than to strangle this meddling alien. Trelane turned towards Spock, his expression suddenly thoughtful.

"I'm feeling charitable today."

"Really." Spock said tonelessly.

"Oh, yes. I can give you a choice." He waved his hand and an image of Jamie appeared hovering behind him. She was in her dress uniform standing tall and proud in front of the station commander Thomas Leighton, her partner in their quadrotriticale research. He watched as they started exchanging rings in front of Admiral Barnett in what was clearly a wedding ceremony. Spock felt sick as he watched her kiss Leighton.

"I have the ability to reverse time, to change circumstances. It is rare that I do this but it is possible." His eyes grew dark and serious. "I could take away her feelings of love for you, make her relationship with you nothing more than captain and commander which was what you wanted when we first met." Spock's hands shook in horror as Trelane continued. "She would live a pleasant life and be content. It would be steady, reliable, and peaceful. She would not have ever suffered the difficulties that she has for the past several years, suffer the pain of indifference and an unacknowledged bond. She would be free to have this life, to "rekindle an old flame" so to speak."

The omnipotent being continued and gorge rose in Spock's throat that he forcefully swallowed it down.

"I could remove the ability for you to bond with her or her with you, block it so that it never will happen no matter how much you may wish it even with a mind adept's help." The air crackled with energy as Trelane calmly spoke of tearing everything apart, of ripping away any chance for him to make amends before he even had a chance to try.

"Captain Kirk would be happy. She would truly be content in that life. There would be peace and love but it would be a pale imitation of the love she deserves." He suddenly smiled and clapped his hands. "But c'est la vie, Spock. You don't always get what you deserve."

The image vanished like smoke in the wind and the terror of losing more than what he has already lost threatened to clawed its way up his throat. "However, there is a catch." He eyed Spock with a smirk. "After all, nothing ever is free."

Swallowing back bile, Spock nodded for him to continue. The ever-changing being grew somber.

"You would remember everything in this timeline. You would still feel the pain of the broken bond and it would never be repaired or be completed with Jamie but you would have the ability to bond-" He paused for effect. "-just not with her. After all, I would never sentence you to death."

Trelane shrugged as if he was indifferent but he was far from it. "Or things could stay as they are. Your choice."

The thought of Jamie marrying someone else, of her loving another person and their daughter never even existing was a fate worse than death. He had already missed so much. He would never see their daughter grow and learn, never experience a life with his t'hy'la, never be more than a colleague. It would be a half-life but could he do it? Could he be selfish enough to keep Jamie despite everything that has happened, that he has done?

She has already suffered so much. The pain that she carried within her every day was his doing. If he accepted this deal then she would be free. She could build a life but he would not be a part of it. He would be a mere spectator watching it unfold with the memories of his daughter and Jamie torturing him. It would be a fitting penance.

Then there was the question of what Jamie would want. Would she want to be rid of the last several years despite the difficulties? Would she be truly happy without her daughter having never existed? There is a saying. 'You don't miss what you have never had.' Could he take it away from her to give her the chance at peace but it would come at a great sacrifice to her as well. There had been bad but, by the same token, there had been good. She had happiness with their daughter, time away to reevaluate herself and remake herself into someone stronger and more sure of herself.

"Come along, Commander! Tick tock. You're running out of time." The devil literally stood in front of him and was offering a deal. "I'm waiting for an answer."

Spock thought back to his lunch with Jamie and Elizabeth and he had hope. It was an illogical emotion but he still had it. He couldn't give her up, neither of them. He finally had a chance to fix things. Jamie loved her daughter and, even if things never healed between them, he could never take this away from her.

Spock stood from his meditation pose, straight-backed and proud. "I reject your offer."

Trelane smiled, his teeth bright and it was unnerving how pleased he looked. "I almost wonder if you have masochistic tendencies but, to each his own. You certainly have your work cut out for you, Mr. Spock."

A flash of bright light and he vanished, leaving Spock alone.

"But beware, commander, while I may be leaving I haven't truly left. After all, this was a favor to James T. Kirk not you." His voice warned.

Air rushed out that Spock hadn't realized he had been holding. He wondered if he would ever truly be free from Trelane's interference.

"McCoy to Spock."

xXx

Jamie opened her eyes, staring at the ceiling of the med bay and groaned. The last thing she remembered was standing up to try and get to the wheelchair to leave sickbay. She'd needed a break from the constant hovering of Bones and she wanted to see Liz for more than the hour or two a day that she had been allotted by medical, usually accompanied by Spock who Elizabeth just glared at and ignored in favor of cuddling with her mom and playing with toys. Jamie mostly ignored him as well, only replying politely when prompted and encouraging Elizabeth to interact with her father but Spock simply respected her silence, occasionally bringing her lunch with desserts or interesting novels that were in paper form. How he remembered her fondness for actual books, she'll never know.

She truly wanted Elizabeth to have a relationship with her father. She'd never had that luxury but she couldn't help feeling fear and anger at him for everything that they'd gone through. His betrayal had cut deep and, over the past almost two years and those wounds were painful. She resolved herself to try for their child's sake.

"Ah. You're awake!" An all too familiar and too cheery voice broke through her thoughts and Jim turned and glared at her supposed best friend. "Well, as you probably figured out by now, you fainted."

Jamie sat up indignant. "I did not faint!"

"Yes you did, princess." He ran a tricorder over her and studied the readout before putting it away. "Swooned like a delicate maiden in those trashy romance novels Carol Marcus likes to read but thinks I don't know about."

Jamie narrowed her eyes but, as usual, the doctor was unaffected by her glare and just chuckled. "I did not faint. I collapsed."

"Sure you did." He told her in a patronizing tone. "That's what you get for trying to leave medical without permission. Serves you right, kid. You're lucky that you didn't cause any more damage." He grumbled at raised the head of her bed. "I put a lot of work into that leg there."

She ground the heels of her palms into her eyes and sighed. "I just need to get out of here." She implored. "It's driving me crazy being here."

McCoy smiled and Jamie hesitated at this, suspicious.

"Well, it just so happens I am discharging you."

She could feel a 'but' coming on and wasn't surprised when he continued.

"However, you cannot care for yourself properly without help, let alone Elizabeth. Most of the staff on board would love to stay with you but they're not able to since they've got their duties and don't have any leave stocked up."

Jamie frowned, a heavy feeling settling in her gut, knowing what Bones was gonna say next but she had to ask. "Then who am I going to be bunking with?"

"Spock."

Jamie's face twisted. "What? No."

McCoy sighed, putting his hands on the bed and leaning forward, head down for a minute. "Yes."

"He's a first officer not a nurse."

"Mr. Spock hasn't taken appropriate leave for several years and has two and a bit months saved up." He took a deep breath, placing his hand over his heart. "It's a crying shame and Captain Fitzpatrick agrees. His work has been suffering as of late and it's been determined by Dr. M'Benga and myself that he needs to take some time off and since we're not able to get him to a starbase or a planet to take his leave; he should be fine to simply not have to do his duties for a while. Nyota will be taking his place as first officer and Carol Marcus will lead the science department in his absence." Bones quickly focused his attention to running a scanner over her leg, probing the areas that he had recently operated on, ignoring her sputtering protests.

She'd endured the past two weeks with multiple surgeries, lack of privacy, the hovering of staff, limited time with Elizabeth, and being stuck in scrubs (at least Bones hadn't forced her to wear the gown but she suspected it was because he knew better) but it was wearing her patience thin. Her limited abilities grated on her. She couldn't even shower by herself because her leg was so damaged. It was a painful, embarrassing, slow healing process. Her strength in her right arm was mostly back to normal and her other injuries had healed apart from a small amount of skin care to prevent scarring but her leg had been badly damaged. The post-operative infection hadn't helped and it had caused her to not be able to heal using osteoregenerators until the infection fully cleared. It was an unusually stubborn strain and she was still having to take antibiotics which was...annoying.

"No." She did NOT want Spock caring for her. It was too personal, too...intimate. It was one thing tolerating his presence but it was quite another being cared for by him, being in close quarters with him. She didn't like being weak in front of him and he tended to make her weak.

"I'm fine."

McCoy nodded. "Uh huh."

"I can take care of myself." She told him and batted his hands away as they moved up to check her abdomen.

"I'm sure you can." He murmured and dodged her.

"I don't need Spock's help with anything."

"Mmhmm. Oh, I'm sure. Especially chasing after a toddler in a wheelchair or crutches." He replied and pulled her up into a sitting position with her legs hanging over the edge of the bed. She sucked air in between her teeth at the burning in her leg.

"Exact-are you fucking with me?" Narrowing her eyes, the doctor shrugged.

"I'm a doctor." He told her as he helped lift her off the biobed and shifted her into the waiting hoverchair. He squatted in front so they were at eye level and his eyes bored into hers. "In fact, I'm your doctor and you need help to heal. Normally, if we were dirtside, I'd discharge you to family to finish your recovery but we're on a starship where resources are limited."

"That's not my fault."

He put a hand up to forestall her. "Hear me out, kid. It will help him and your daughter's relationship with him if she sees him helping her mother to heal. It may even help you to develop, at best, a friendship, at worst, a civil arrangement between the two of you."

She hated it when he made some sense. Didn't mean she had to be happy about it. She was still waiting on a meeting with Fitzpatrick to determine when she would be able to disembark from her impromptu trip.

While she missed being captain of the Enterprise, her friends and the bonds she had had with them, she had a life back on Beta Sigma. She had her research and she was worried about Elizabeth. Her daughter had never even been on a shuttle let alone live on a starship. Elizabeth seemed to be coping well but several weeks is not enough time to see the real aspect of changing her entire life. She would still ask about Aunt Delilah and Chris.

"Did you know that it was Spock who designed the retro-fit to accommodate families?"

Her head snapped up in surprise. She hadn't known that. How had he managed a task of that magnitude on top of his dual duties of first officer and head of the science department? It would have included working with the Starfleet Engineering Corps, research, in-depth knowledge of starship design that went far beyond what was taught in Starfleet Academy. And to do it in less that a year and get the design approved, built, and successfully implemented was unheard of.

"He spent over a year working on it and, if you ask me, I don't think he did it just to raise recruitment numbers."

Standing, Bones grabbed a bag and started pushing her towards the door of her room and Spock was standing tall, determined, and slightly imposing, as if he'd had some sort of epiphany since she had seen him yesterday. He was closer to the man she had known when they had fought side by side against the Narada. The one that she had fallen head over heels with before everything had gone to shit.

"Alright, Commander, now here are her medications that we discussed and I expect you to adhere to the aftercare protocol I outlined earlier." Bones handed over the bag and stepped aside to allow Spock to take over her transportation. Jamie covered her, now red, face to hide her embarrassment at being talked about.

Bones slapped a hand on her shoulder, giving it a comforting squeeze. "Alright, kid, Nyota and I will stop by tomorrow evening for a visit but you'll see me before then for a check to arrange your PT."

"Doctor."

The air around her shifted as Spock took McCoy's place behind her and started pushing her out of sickbay. The corridors were mostly empty but the few crew members they passed immediately stopped what they were doing and stood at attention, saluting at her which confused Jamie. She'd resigned and she was hardly in uniform.

It wasn't long before they were at Spock's quarters. Jamie was surprised that they were so large. Inside, there were two rooms on the right that were separated by the bathroom while on her left was a small kitchenette with a replicator and a small dining table with three chairs up against a wall. In front of her was the living room with a couch and two small, but comfortable looking chairs. A small nook off to the side had a computer on a desk with a chair in front.

She could see that it was definitely Spock's home. The colors were a deep rich earth tones accented with reds. His walls held Vulcan artifacts and a tapestry that had to have been at least a century old, likely much more. On a shelf were actual paper books bound in leather in both English and Vulcan. There was even a small wooden box that, Jamie could tell contained a chess set.

Spock stopped her chair and moved in front of her, kneeling to her level. "Jamie, I understand the situation is not ideal nor to your liking but I am asking you to allow me this."

Sighing, she jerked her head in the affirmative.

"Nyota has obtained clothing for you and Elizabeth in the main bedroom. I can assist you there for you to be more comfortable and you can rest or you may join me in the main area."

She hated the scrubs but the idea of Spock helping her to dress was unpleasant. It'd have to happen sooner or later she supposed. "I can handle most of it but I'd appreciate some help."

Spock's shoulders relaxed and he helped her into the bedroom and onto the bed. Even with her attempting to help by hobbling it took a great deal of effort and she selected a comfortable academy t-shirt and shorts.

She had her back to Spock for a modicum of privacy. When she pulled off her shirt she heard a sharp intake of breath behind her.

"What-what are those marks?"

She knew exactly what Spock was asking. The silver crisscross across her entire back. It was mostly faded but it hadn't been removed. It couldn't. The wounds were too old and too severe by the time the federation ships had arrived. They'd had to leave them open for wound debridement and have them heal from the inside out. It had taken months but the damage was permanent.

"You should know, Spock." Pulling on her shirt, she turned to him. His in-control demeanor that he had had when she had been collected at sickbay had changed. His skin had paled to a sickly pallor and he seemed rooted to the spot.

"You looked up my history and made it known to your attorney and a few others. Take a guess."

"Tarsus?" He whispered.

"Yes. They're whip marks from Kodos and his men in case you were wondering. As awful as my step-father was, he never whipped me to that degree. The scars from him are far less visible but no less painful." It was true. She thanked every deity in existence for helping her to deal with her past. Her mother, therapists, friends, and even a service animal to assist her with her PTSD helped her to become who she once was. Before everything had torn at her very essence.

Sighing, she shifted her hips and started to focus on the difficult task of taking off the scrub bottoms. Grunting and struggling, she finally got them off. However, getting the shorts on would be impossible because she couldn't bend her leg.

"Spock?" Turning back to the vulcan, she was surprised that he was still in the same place watching her. "A little help?"

He jerked and immediately came to her side, sliding the shorts up and helping her finish dressing. He stayed kneeling on the floor with his hands on her hips gripping them tight enough to bruise, his chocolate eyes haunted.

"I had no idea." His voice was a hoarse whisper.

She took pity on him and put her own hands over his. "Oh, Spock. You wouldn't have known. It was my story to tell when I was ready and I don't know if I'm ready to tell you everything, yet. I may never be, Spock. The only people who know are my childhood therapists, Bones, and my mom. There was a damn good reason those files were classified and blocked. Even Christopher Pike wasn't fully aware of the horrors of my past. He just had a snapshot much like yourself."

Closing her eyes and sighing to relieve the tension gripping her chest, Jamie focused on willing Spock to understand. Just a little. "Our past is our past but what truly defines us is how we learn and grow from it. I still struggle at times but if I focus on it, it would destroy everything I have worked for and become. It is about leaning and maintaining control."

"Come here." Jamie patted the spot next to her and waited for Spock to sit. "What you did-I can't lie. It was a betrayal of the worst kind. To use my past, my pain against me was wrong and it cut deep. I forgive you but I don't know if I can ever trust you again. You didn't even give me a chance. You inferred that I was going to be a bad mother based on my past. I was a child. I didn't make bad choices. Adults did those horrible things to me and I should not have been punished by you for what happened to me as a child. I think I've endured enough." Clenching her fists in the sheets, she forced herself to calm and mentally counted to ten.

"You just assumed, saw what you wanted to see instead of looking deeper and didn't even talk to me about what I might have wanted. I was alone, treated as nothing more than an incubator and continuously treated, even before the pregnancy, as someone not even worth your time because you didn't even want to get to know me. Hell, you even made me feel like a failure as a captain when you picked fault with everything I did." She opened her fists and laid them in her lap. "How many games of chess did I ask you to? How many requests to join you in the mess hall did you turn down? Offers of sparring? Even requests to do our paperwork together simply so we could get to know each other and to make sure that I was ok? I lost count."

"Tell me, Spock, what are all the meanings of t'hy'la?" Jamie whispered her question and stared at her hands, waiting.

"Friend, brother, lover. It is an ancient bond between warriors; cherished above all others. An oasis in the desert that once found gives life, a soulmate." He whispered.

She turned, her forehead furrowed in disappointment. "Then how can we be t'hy'la if we aren't even friends?"