A/N: Enjoy. Please review.
Interlude: music placed between the acts of a piece of theatre, meant to fill in the gaps
"B-but…" Haley stuttered, unable to believe her. "But…Peyton…you…you led us all to believe that something had gone wrong, that he'd left you. And Jenny. That you'd fought and you'd broken up and that it was…You never…"
"I know," Peyton whispered. "I know, and I'm sorry, but sometimes I…I think about it that way. I miss him, Haley, so much…y-you…you don't understand. He loved me more than I deserved. If I just think…that he left me, like everyone else, then it makes it easier. I know it's horrible, and I'm not proud of it, but it…helps me feel less guilty and it…it doesn't hurt as much."
Of course Jake had died. It was the only situation that really made sense, and deep down, Haley had always known that to be true, but Peyton had been sending all kinds of signals to the contrary. Jake never would have purposefully or voluntarily left Jenny. He fought for her, he loved her so much. And Haley honestly didn't think that he ever would have left Peyton voluntarily either. She knew how hard it had been on both of them when Jake left in high school. Jake had loved Peyton fully and passionately. "Oh, Peyton," she said mournfully. "I'm so sorry…but I don't understand. You have nothing to feel guilty for. You deserved Jake, of course you did."
"No," she insisted. "I didn't, I really didn't. He was in love with me, and I loved him, but never quite as much, and I hate myself for it. God, Haley, I…do you remember after the school shooting and Ellie and everything? How I had that thing…that…fling with Pete?"
"Yeah, I remember, he came to Rachel's cabin."
"Yeah. Well. We kept seeing each other after that, and he invited me to come see him over a weekend in Chicago. My dad was hesitant about letting me go, but he agreed. Before I left he told me…to follow my heart. And I knew, after that, that Pete wasn't where my heart was telling me to go. It was…Lucas. It had always been Lucas. I…I kissed him during the school shooting, Haley. Did he ever tell you that?"
"No," Haley breathed, shocked by her friend's revelation.
"It wasn't supposed to mean anything. I thought I was going to die. But I realized that I loved him. I'd loved him…since we first kissed, since we first locked eyes, even. Since he told me my art mattered. But he and Brooke…they were happy, and I love them both, and I just couldn't…fuck things up for them. So I went to…my second choice," she admitted, ashamed. "The only other guy I'd ever really loved."
"Jake," Haley whispered.
"Yeah. And I was happy again, for those days. I was in love again, and Jake and Jenny were…so perfect. I loved them so much. I felt whole and safe and like I was part of a family. When I tucked her in…Jenny called me Mama, and I never wanted to let go of how I felt when she said that." She took a shaky breath in. "I asked Jake to marry me."
Haley couldn't resist a smile. "We really like to do things early, don't we? What'd he say, hon?"
"Yes. He said yes, and I felt…so, so good when I fell asleep that night. Everything felt right. But then I woke up, and Jake was staring out the window with this…sad, thoughtful expression on his face, and…he told me that, in my sleep, I said…I love you, Lucas."
Haley gasped but didn't speak, simply tucked Peyton's hair behind her ear yet again, running her fingers through the blonde strands comfortingly.
"He told me he loved me, but he sent me back here. To deal with it. I'd lost Jake, and I was hurting, and I just felt like I needed to be honest, so I told Brooke. I told her that I still had feelings for Lucas."
Haley winced, awaiting Peyton's telling of Brooke's reaction.
"She slapped me and called me a selfish bitch, and told me our friendship was over. I felt really…alone," Peyton shrugged sadly. "I went back to Jake the second your wedding ended and we all walked back down the aisle. My dad called to tell me about the accident, but he told me that everyone was alright, so I…I didn't call, and I'm sorry about that. I should have, but it hurt too much. I didn't want to deal with Tree Hill ever again."
"You didn't want to deal with Lucas ever again," Haley corrected quietly. No wonder this was so hard on Peyton, and on Brooke. There was more to the story than Haley had ever known.
"Yeah," Peyton agreed faintly.
"So…you and Jake, you did get married?"
"The day I went back. Same day as your wedding," she shrugged, shooting Haley a quick smile before her lips slipped back into a desolate frown. "Nothing formal. No white dress, no tux, no family except for Jenny. We were both wearing jeans and plaid shirts and Converses…and it was just so… comfortable." She exhaled, her breathing still uneven and full of effort, as though she just wanted to give up on it all.
Haley was an intuitive person; she could easily pick up on the signals. Peyton was leaving something out here. Not everything had fallen perfectly into place, not yet, especially not where Lucas was involved. "Hey. What aren't you telling me, Peyton?"
Peyton sighed heavily. "I'm so tired of this, Haley."
Haley bit her lower lip to keep from blurting anything out, anything she would regret. She was tired of it, too. She just wanted the truth, and every single bit of it. She was sick and tired of being kept in the dark. Always, someone was keeping something secret. "Peyt," she said simply, nothing but an abbreviation of the other woman's name. And she waited.
"I…I hung around Savannah for about a month after Jake…after he…it was just too hard, but I knew I had to keep going and living for Jenny. So I packed us up and moved out to L.A. I got a job there, at this record company. Lucas found me. His novel's editor was my boss' sister. Fate's a bitch, huh?" she asked wryly. "He came out there. I don't know what he told you, or Brooke, or anyone, but one day I got to work and he was just…there."
"What happened?"
A lonely tear fell down Peyton's cheek. "He told me that…he'd made a mistake. He told me that he regretted picking Brooke over me, and that…he wished he could have been the one there for me, instead of Jake. He said that he'd regretted it every day since I'd left, and that he hated that he'd called Jake for me when he really should have been the one helping me out." She squeezed her eyes shut and pressed her lips together.
Haley continued to stroke her hair patiently. "What did you say?" she asked softly.
"I said that I couldn't do it. I was a mess, Haley; I was surprised anyone even agreed to hire me. My boss was an ass, but he said he saw strength and ability in me, and I wasn't about to question that, I needed the money. I had to support Jenny; she was only five and she needed to start school and be fed and have a home and everything. I'd been waiting so long to hear those words from Lucas' mouth."
She frowned. "What words?"
"He told me that he loved me. He said, the school shooting, that wasn't just because you were going to die. I know it was more. It was, wasn't it? Brooke had assumed that I'd left for Jake, so I guess he thought that, too, but when I moved out to L.A. I think Lucas thought it was over between Jake and I, that we'd broken up. He had no way to know. But I couldn't even react to what he said, I was such a disaster. Jake had just died and I was mourning him…and God, Haley. I…fuck," she whispered, wiping away her tears. "I wanted to go with him," she confessed through a sob. "I wanted to let him save me, and take me away, and I wanted to be with him and love him forever, and I will always hate myself for feeling that way. I loved Jake, Haley, I did."
"I know," she soothed.
"But Jake was gone and I missed him and Jenny needed me…and I couldn't believe that he'd waited that long, made me suffer that much. I told him that I couldn't do it, and that he should go back to Brooke. He kissed me, and my world lit up, filled up…flipped back the right way. Then…he asked me…if I loved him…and I couldn't lie, I couldn't say no, so I just…ran away. I walked out of the building and I never went back to my job. I was angry and sad and it just…fuelled me. I started my own label. Lucas came here and…he must have proposed to Brooke right away, because three months later she came to L.A. and chased after me for a week."
Haley cleared her throat painfully, her own eyes filled with tears. "We all thought Luke was in New York that weekend." Lucas had been in New York that weekend. He'd just found out the publishing date for his book. He must have gone to see Peyton right after he heard the news. When he came back to Tree Hill, he was overjoyed when he told Brooke, and he'd bought a ring. They got engaged that night.
Haley wanted to kill him.
"I loved Jake, and I need him, and I miss him so much," Peyton whispered, burying her head in the pillow.
"Of course you do," Haley crooned comfortingly. "Peyton…honey. Do you…do you still wish…do you still love Lucas?" She finally asked it point-blank.
Peyton burst into a fresh batch of tears. Her words were earnest despite the easily-heard sarcasm in her answer, which she framed as an obvious question: "It's like you and Nate say, right?"
Always and forever. Haley had her answer.
Lucas felt shaky and a little bit sick as he entered his house that evening, feeling like the bastard he knew he'd been. He tiptoed through the darkened hallways of his home, pausing to slip into Miranda's room for a moment, dropping a kiss on her forehead.
There was light from the master bedroom filtering into the corridor, but it was late, and Lucas chose to believe that Brooke had fallen asleep with the light on. She tended to do that when he wasn't home, a trait he'd always found so sweet.
But she was wide awake, sitting up in bed in the room lit dimly by lamps and candles. Brooke was reclining against several pillows in only some expensive Clothes over Bro's lingerie, reading Cosmo. She looked up and her face was instantly brightened by a coy smile. "Hey, Broody. You're back late."
"Yeah…sorry."
"Shooting hoops by yourself again like the sports freak you are?" she asked teasingly.
"Something like that," he muttered, removing his shirt for the second time that evening.
Brooke tossed her magazine aside, slipping the strap of her camisole off her one of her shoulders. "Come join me, handsome."
"Brooke, I…" I am a total asshole. "I really feel sick right now, I'm sorry. You look…gorgeous, but I think I need to take some Tylenol and sleep."
Brooke pouted, looking uneasy. "You don't feel good," she repeated.
"I know that sounds lame," he sighed, walking over to her. "But I really feel crappy right now." He leaned down, brushing his lips against her forehead. "I love you," he said, wishing that it didn't sound like he'd said those same words to someone else moments ago.
"Mom!"
Peyton pulled her arms out of her blanket cocoon and extended them, welcoming her daughter's hug. Jenny launched herself at her full-force, nearly knocking the wind out of Peyton as she threw herself at her in a hug. "Oh, honey." Peyton held her tightly, cradling her. "It's okay; I'm sorry I scared you, I'm fine. Everything's fine."
"What happened?" Jenny demanded, torn between anger, relief, and love. "What's going on? Why do you never tell me anything anymore? We used to…why do you keep so much from me?"
Peyton sighed sadly. She was exhausted. Haley had sat up with her all night after her painful confessions, trying to help her talk through her emotions, but from the moment Peyton let Haley know of her feelings for Lucas, she'd felt herself shutting down. Haley had taken good care of her, almost motherly care of her, with warm blankets and herbal tea, and nothing words, but she could only be pushed to a certain point. She could only handle so much emotional stress, so much heartache. "My little girl," she said, love and sorrow blending together in her voice. "I'm so sorry." She tenderly pushed Jenny's hair away from her face.
"I want to go home," Jenny sobbed, uncontrollable tears falling down her cheeks. "I hate this. I wish we'd never come here. I wish…I want things back to how they were! I thought things could be okay here but then…this, and I just can't…I know I said I wanted to stay, but you were right, okay? We need to go back. I want to go home."
Peyton met Haley's eyes over her daughter's head. Jenny didn't even know the half of it, and already it was proving to be too much. She held Haley's gaze, begging for help.
Haley stepped forward instantly. "Jenny, honey, you can't go! You're amazing at what you do, and this camp is so good for you. And I…I don't want you to leave, and neither does Nathan or the twins or Sebastian…and Jamie definitely doesn't want you to leave," she added, trying to coax a smile out of the teen.
Jenny wiped at her tears angrily. "I want the truth," she said firmly, speaking only to her mother. "I know you told me to stop asking but I want to know, I need to know."
"Babe…there's…it's all so complicated, and I know that it's hard for you to understand, and I am sorry," she said earnestly. "You can't even understand how sorry I am, but I need to get my life straightened out before I can discuss all of this with you."
She glared in response. "I'm part of your life. You used to tell me I was your life."
"Honey, you are!" Peyton cried, almost shocked that Jenny could possibly think any differently.
"So talk to me."
"Jen…you're only fourteen."
"Don't give me that crap," Jenny scoffed angrily.
Peyton could feel her eyes light up with anger for the briefest moment. "Watch it," she warned her teenaged daughter, refusing to be thrown back into this drama again.
"No! I'm sick of this, Mom! Can you just talk to me, please? I can understand. I'm not three. Everything was okay with us for a little while. Like before. What, are you trying to protect me?"
"Why do you say that like it's so ridiculous?" Peyton asked softly.
"Because you can't! It's stupid, Mom! You've been lying to me my entire life, and it's not exactly making things easier now, is it?"
"Sweetheart, you can't understand that. I know it angers you and it hurts you when I say that," she continued rationally, trying to win Jenny over. "But my past is…it's mine, hon, and it's a mess, and you just need to give me a little time before I can talk to you. I don't even know what's going on myself."
"Yeah. I guess you never do."
"Jenny!" Peyton was not the only one aghast. Haley spoke Jenny's name softly too, on a sad, delicate whisper.
Jenny gave Peyton a bitter look before she turned to Haley momentarily. "I still don't even know what the hell our stupid connection to you is! Maybe I'm really your daughter, who knows," she said, her sadness making her brutally sarcastic and irrational. "But would you just stay out of this, please?"
"Jenny, do not talk to your aunt that way," Peyton told her firmly, sitting up straight. "Haley knew you when you were young, and she loves you, and she's been a great mentor to you. She's one of my best friends, one of the most important people in my life." She didn't look at Haley as she spoke, only Jenny. She knew what she'd see in Haley's eyes – shock and gratitude and love – and she just couldn't deal with it.
"So what?" Jenny bit out, tears welling in her beautiful eyes, deep and intense like her dad's. "Why does all of this fucking matter?"
"Jenny!" Peyton cried. Her daughter was generally well-behaved, mostly because Peyton, despite her cautious side, was a fairly liberal parent. They fought rarely, but when they did, it was moderately civil and they always made up before they fell asleep. Neither of them liked to leave things until morning. Peyton had expected some rebellion in Jenny's teens, but hadn't gotten much. Jenny had never dropped the 'f-bomb' in Peyton's presence before – Peyton always thought it was just something you didn't say in front of your mom. She knew that she never would have dared to, had she reached the point where she had the chance.
Jenny sighed and pressed her lips together before her face slowly arranged itself into a scowl. The petulance of her pouty facial expression made her look at least four years younger and devastatingly innocent. "I miss Dad," she muttered in a very small, very sad voice.
"Baby," Peyton breathed, feeling as though her heart had had an anvil dropped upon it. Her voice was full of love and sympathy for her little girl. Jenny was so like her, so like Ellie, even: full of a fierce sense of independence and pride, of self-sufficiency and strength. She didn't like to vulnerable, and she hated to admit to her sorrows. It was for those reasons that she's never come out and bluntly admitted how much she missed Jake.
Peyton reached out to her, but to her surprise, Jenny recoiled and shook her head, stumbling to her feet. "You don't care how I feel – you don't care about me! You've never been honest with me and I just can't take it anymore. Everything's changed, and you're not my mother. Nothing can ever go back to how it was; you've ruined it all. I hate you," she said in the same broken voice, and dashed out of the apartment.
"Hey, kid," Nathan said, standing in the doorway of Jamie's room. "Why aren't you asleep right now?"
"Woke up early," Jamie shrugged. He was lying in bed, lazily playing an NBA-related video game.
Nathan turned off the TV and the overhead light.
"Hey! I was winning!"
He smiled patiently. "You can win again later, bud."
Jamie sighed dramatically, setting aside the controller. "What's up, Dad?"
Nathan shrugged. "I just wanted to check in with you. I know things have been a little insane this past week. Your mom and Jenny still aren't home tonight, so I've been worried about them."
"Yeah, but I'm okay. I'm sure Mom's fine, too."
"Yeah, your mother's a smart woman. It's just…I hate to break it to you…but I think it might be like this all summer. You think you can battle through that?"
"Yeah," Jamie shrugged. "It's not that bad." He hesitated for a moment before asking, "Is Jenny gonna be okay?"
Nathan grinned, unable to help himself. "Ohhh, you've got it baaaad," he drawled, chuckling.
"Dad!" his son protested, embarrassed.
"Hey, it's okay, I understand. If anything's true in this life, Jamie, it's that Scott men have got it bad for Sawyer girls," he said with a sigh, thinking of his brother.
Jamie frowned. "Jenny's not a Sawyer."
Nathan shook his head. "She's as good as one, believe me. Just like her mother at that age."
"And what does that mean?" Jamie asked curiously.
He lifted his eyebrows. "A heartbreaker," he replied, only partially teasing as he leaned over to ruffle his son's hair. "I'm going to go back to bed, and I want you to get some more sleep. You're going to need it if you don't want me to kick your butt this afternoon."
Jamie's eyes lit up. "What are we playing?"
"Whatever you want," Nathan shrugged, smiling at his son. "Sleep tight. I love you."
Haley had witnessed a fair amount of heartbreak in her twenty-nine years. She'd seen it stem from a myriad of causes and had seen it in varying degrees of strength. But never in her life had Haley been looking directly into someone's eyes as it happened to them. Not until that moment.
She actually saw something snap in Peyton's watery green orbs the second those poisonous words left Jenny's lips. She knew, instinctively, that Jenny had never told Peyton that she hated her, not even during a four-year-old temper tantrum or a ten-year-old fit of indignant rage.
Peyton was already an emotional trainwreck, and it was clear that Jenny's words had killed her.
"She didn't mean it," Haley offered. She meant it with all her heart, but the words sounded lame even to her own ears.
"Bullshit. She'd pick you over me any day." Peyton seemed to have picked up on her daughter's surly sense of betrayal.
Haley frowned at her negativity. "That's not true," she insisted.
"I'm just not cut out for this," Peyton murmured as she struggled not to cry anymore.
"For what, honey?" Haley prodded gently.
"The wife thing. The mother thing. The not screwing over your ex-best friend by making out with her husband thing."
Haley sighed and crossed the room to sit next to her. She placed a hand over Peyton's. "Listen to me. You were all Jake could have ever asked for. He loved you so much, Peyton. And so does Jenny, she loves you more than I can tell you. You're an amazing mom, and I never should have told you otherwise – just like I never should have told you that you're a bad friend. You're not. Definitely not to me, and not to Brooke. Everyone makes mistakes. Lucas sought you out, not the other way around. It's a mess right now, I know, but everything will work out, Peyton. Everything'll be okay."
There were deep, dark circles under Peyton's eyes, and she could muster up no more than a bitter smile. "I stopped believing that line a long time ago, Haley."
A/N: Let me know what you think, and thank you, everybody, for reading. :)
