A/N: Warning: really, really long – but really important – author's note.
Okay. So. I'm getting impatient and annoyed with myself for several reasons. The first is that I have a lot of stuff written up that I just want to post, but I need to put it in context, and everything in this story seems to be taking too long right now. So I'm going to ease up on the Naley scenes a bit, and I'm going to make a few things happen in this chapter that I wasn't planning on putting out there for a little while longer…I need some L/P to write, or I'm going to lose interest in my own story. This story is fading from what I originally wanted it to be and going in a circle…I need to get back on track with it.
The second is that I have another story which has been super-neglected, and I never wanted to be one of those authors…so I'm going to try to work on that.
And lastly, lately, when I'm writing, there's a little voice in the back of my head nagging me to start filling out scholarship applications and completing my final assessments and studying for my exams. So this chapter has a lot of stuff in it, and it's very long. I'm going to post it and then I'm going to take a break. You guys have been amazing (over 600 reviews and tons of feedback!) and I hope this chapter doesn't disappoint. When I get back to posting chapters, I hope they'll be to your satisfaction, with lots of L/P :) Read on…
A poco a poco: literally "little by little", meant to signify a gradual increase in tempo and/or volume
Haley watched as Brooke bounced into the house, dropping a stack of papers and a couple garment bags onto a chair near the door. "Hey, husband," she chirped, bending down to give Lucas a quick kiss. "And sister-in-law," she added just as cheerfully, throwing her arms around Haley for a brief but warm hug.
"Hey, buddy," Haley replied softly. "You look happy."
"I am. I had the best day. Hey, you want to hang out tonight? Peyton and I are going to watch some movies or something. Nothing crazy, but it should be good."
Haley's eyebrows shot up and she smiled. "You and Peyton, huh? Thanks for the invite, Tigger…but you two should spend some time alone."
Brooke nodded. "I hope we can talk…and that she'll let me in, tell me some things. Her life is such a mystery to me now."
Haley winced, shooting a nervous look toward Lucas, who was sitting there looking guilty. "Brooke," she said, "take a walk with me, okay? I have something to tell you."
Lucas' eyes widened considerably as he panicked. "Haley?" he asked.
She gave him her best reassuring smile. He needed to be man enough to tell his wife about what was going on with Peyton; she certainly wasn't going to do it for him. "Nothing for you to worry about," she replied, sure that he'd get the message. It occurred to Haley then that Lucas didn't know this particular piece of information either…but she felt that Peyton should be the one to tell him when they finally worked through all their drama.
"I don't understand," Brooke said, her eyes darting back and forth between the two of them.
Haley stood up and placed a hand on her friend's arm. "It's okay, I promise. Just come with me. Lucas'll watch the kids."
Brooke huffed impatiently as Haley steered her out of the house, down the driveway, and onto the sidewalk. "Will you tell me now?" she demanded the instant they started moving away from the house.
"Peyton's not been doing well," Haley said cautiously. "You know that."
"Yeah, I do. Hales, be straight with me, please."
"Right, I'm sorry, it's just…she was kind of a mess last night, and I finally got her to talk to me."
Brooke looked shocked. "Like…important things?"
"Yes. Like…stuff about Jake."
"Oh my God!" Brooke cried, gasping. "What's the deal? You have to tell me everything."
Haley allowed herself a small smirk at what a gossipmonger Brooke could be before her lips slid back into a frown. "Jake died, Brooke."
All of the playful light in Brooke's eyes went out, replaced by a stunned sort of sadness. "Oh," she whispered, halting. "Oh my God. What…when?"
"About eight years ago," Haley told her softly.
"Oh, God," Brooke said again. "Peyton must have…" She looked at Haley with tragic eyes.
"I know," Haley said soothingly.
Brooke's face crumpled as tears escaped her eyes, her usual dimples replaced by the soft creases of sadness. Haley gently took her elbow and pulled her down until they were both sitting on the curb, their feet in the road of the quiet street.
"She should've called me," Brooke muttered mournfully. "I would have been there for her, no matter what happened between us before." Then her eyes widened and she bit down on her lip, looking over at Haley with eyes heavy with guilt. "I…"
"She told me that, too," Haley reported quietly.
"I was a bitch, huh?" Brooke choked out.
"Oh, honey, you weren't. You both…you were both struggling with how you felt, and you both made mistakes."
"But…I messed our friendship up so bad that she couldn't even call me when her husband or…Did they ever get married?"
"Yeah. She told me that they got married the same day that she went back to Savannah."
Brooke buried her face in her hands. "I was supposed to be at her wedding. She was supposed to be at mine! Oh, God, I-I…I went to L.A. with an invitation to my wedding only a short time after her husband died. She told me that she stayed away because of Luke, and the time, and…I thought that was it, not because she'd just lost Jake," she sniffled.
"She told you that?" Haley asked, surprised. "That she stayed away because of Luke?"
"The last conversation we had was a fight, and it was about Lucas. It would have been awkward, sure, but I wanted her there. Just like I wanted to be there for her. It's not fair, Haley, all the crap that keeps happening to her. Sometimes it would piss me off because she always needed rescuing, she was always the martyr, but in the end she deserved that rescuing, she was worth it, and I loved her, so I was always there for her. I thought she needed me. I should have been there, when Jake…"
Haley pulled her into a one-armed hug. "We all should have been there, Brooke. Don't blame yourself or anyone else."
"It must have been so hard," Brooke gasped. "Can you imagine losing Nathan?"
Haley let out a shaky breath. "I've come close on a couple occasions…and that alone has been devastating. I can't imagine it, no. It seems too hard and too harsh and just too much."
"Yeah…I don't know what I'd ever do without Lucas in my life."
Haley's skin went white, but Brooke was too busy worrying about Peyton to notice. "Yeah," she whispered. "Brooke…God forbid it ever happen, but we would be okay, you know that, right? Peyton's fine now. She's got a life a lot of people dream of, and she's providing for Jenny, and she really loves that girl. It's got to be hell on earth…but she made it through, and so would we. So would you."
Brooke looked at her, eyes lost somewhere in the past. "That's like what Peyton said to me, the last thing I can really remember her saying before she told me she still loved Lucas and everything went downhill so fast. I was telling her about how I'd managed without Luke while he was away, healing after Keith's death and quitting b-ball…and she told me I was the best company for myself. That I could take care of myself and do great things and…She really meant it, I could tell, and I knew she was right." She frowned. "I don't know why, but when I'm with Luke…I forget that sometimes. I just become so dependent on him."
Haley nodded in understanding. "That's not all that bad," she said, keeping her statement and her tone neutral.
"Yeah, I…I love Lucas, and I love all that I've been able to do with Clothes over Bro's but…I always wanted to be more than that girl. But I guess it's who I've become."
"Then undo it," Haley told her gently. "Reclaim all your strength and your independence and whatever else you feel you've lost."
"That's just…never who I've been with Lucas, though. And if I change me…" She looked frightened all of a sudden. "If I change me, do I change our marriage?"
"I honestly don't know, buddy. Nathan and I have always tried to pursue our individual dreams while still managing to be a couple and a family. I think that's how it should be, so no one has regrets and everyone lives their fullest life."
Brooke looked at her worriedly. "But…what if that's not how Lucas and I work? We have our separate lives – my company, his writing, his coaching – and we have our life with each other and with Miranda but I…I find myself getting jealous over the stupidest things sometimes, or I try to arrange our trips to New York to spend time together, and I miss him all the time…when I…" She sighed. "Haley, I want to have another baby; you know how much I love being a mom, and I want Miranda to have a sibling, but…"
"But…what?"
"I was also hoping that when we have another child we'll all really live together again, in sync and with one another. Lucas gets up, and by the time I'm out of bed he's already gone or busy with his writing; I get home and he's asleep. We just trade Miranda back and forth to make sure we each get quality time. I want my family back."
"Brooke," Haley sighed. "You know better than to have a baby any other reason than just…giving love, having a child."
"I know," she agreed. "That's exactly what I mean. When I believed in my own…in everything, on my own…I wasn't like this. I didn't think like this."
"Go back to that, Brooke. You told me about Lucas' proposal, and I remember, he told you that you were going to change the world someday and you didn't even know it yet. Find that girl he said those words to, and go out there and be her again."
"That girl wasn't Lucas' wife." Fresh tears spilled from Brooke's eyes, running over the others that had already dried on her cheeks. "And what if she can't be?"
Haley pulled her closer, letting Brooke rest her head against her shoulder. "Oh, Brooke. You're getting ahead of yourself."
Brooke leaned all her weight against Haley, giving in. "Am I?" she asked in a strangled voice.
"It doesn't matter, sweetie," Haley said comfortingly, into Brooke's brown hair, which smelled like one of her amazingly expensive shampoos. "You are the best company, remember?"
Peyton smiled when she opened the door to find Brooke standing there. "Brooke, hi, I –"
"Hey, my girl," Brooke cut her off with a gentle greeting, her eyes warm and sympathetic. She opened her arms and pulled Peyton into a secure hug.
"Hi," Peyton repeated, her eyes widening with her surprise at the sudden affection in Brooke's words and the strength of her embrace. Nevertheless, she hugged Brooke back, commenting, "Good to see you, too."
She was technically involved in some kind of messed up…thing…with Lucas, which was technically a betrayal of Brooke, but no matter what, this was…her Brooke. Her very best friend. The girl who'd always stepped up to take care of her when there was no one else. And no matter what was going on…reinstating her friendship was Brooke was what she was determined to make top priority.
Brooke, who could see the apartment over Peyton's shoulder, remarked, "Whoa, P. Sawyer, this is…dark. I missed your Gwen Stefani badass vibes."
Peyton smiled as Brooke let her go and wandered into the apartment, observing the walls that were covered in all the artwork that had stemmed from Peyton's muse that day. "For the last time, B. Davis-Scott," she said, ignoring Brooke's surname as she shut the door and crossed her arms over her chest, "Gwen Stefani is not badass."
The brunette's cheeky grin faded quickly. She sat down gingerly on the couch and patted the space next to her. "Come here and sit with me for a minute."
Puzzled, Peyton frowned, but joined her old friend on the couch. "Brooke…what's up?
Brooke inhaled deeply and grasped on of Peyton's hands, pulling it toward her and into her lap. "Peyton," she said softly.
Her frown deepened as she laughed nervously. "Hey, come on…tell me what's going on, Brooke."
"Honey…Haley told me."
Peyton tried to pull away, but Brooke had a firm hold of her hand. She was a bitch. A horrible friend. A repeat offender. She could feel intense heat in her cheeks. "Brooke," she breathed, not sure where to begin, if there were any possible excuses to make, and only then did it register that Brooke had called her honey. "Wait…Haley told you what?"
Brooke's eyes filled with tears. "About Jake," she whispered.
All of the blood drained from her face and she instantly broke eye contact. She was both relieved and upset. "O-oh."
"Oh, God, P., I am so…so sorry. I can't even imagine…I feel so guilty –"
"Brooke, no –"
"Because I got so angry with you that you thought you couldn't come to me…I wish you'd called me, I wish I could have been there for you."
"Nothing was your fault," Peyton assured her softly. "Nothing," she added, but she still couldn't meet Brooke's eyes.
"Peyton, babe…please let me in. At least let me be here for you now. Tell me anything. Talk to me. Cry on my shoulder, or get angry, or…"
"Brooke…" Peyton was touched by her sentiment, but she didn't want to get into it. "Thank you, but it was so long ago, and I'm fine." She pulled her hand out of Brooke's and stood up, reaching for her purse. "Let's just go get our movies."
"Peyton!" Brooke gaped at her, confused and a little hurt. She extended her hand, reaching out to Peyton. "P. Sawyer, are you sure you don't want to –"
"Brooke. Please. Let's just go."
Her friend nodded hesitantly, standing as well. "Okay. Peyton…I just want you to know that you can come to me with anything."
Peyton faked a smile, nodding.
If only that were true.
"Please, Peyton?" Brooke begged with her best puppy dog face.
"Nope," Peyton replied, brushing past her and moving on down the aisle created by the high shelves.
"But-but…" Brooke protested, trailing after her and continuing the clutch the movie in her hands.
"B., no. I'm not watching A Walk to Remember with you."
"But it's such a good movie," Brooke pouted, searching Peyton's eyes for any sign that she'd relent.
There was none to be found as Peyton turned away from her again, picking up The Devil Wears Prada and waving it. "Here, you like this movie, right? Pretty clothes, bitchy women…right up your alley!"
"Ha ha," Brooke said dryly, smacking Peyton's ass with her DVD before clutching it to her chest again. "Please, P. Sawyer?"
Peyton turned to face her fully, sighing. "No. You want me to watch A Walk to Remember with you because you know it's going to make me cry, and you want to talk about Jake."
Brooke blushed; she was busted.
"I understand and I appreciate it…but I prefer to keep all the Jake angst and grief in the past."
Brooke studied her worriedly, searching her face for any signs of hidden misery. "I know, honey…I just wish you would talk to me. I'm concerned about you. You have no idea how much I wish we could have had this conversation eight years ago."
"I know," Peyton whispered mournfully.
"P… are you…are you over him? Have you let him go?"
Peyton considered her question for a moment before she finally answered, "I…yeah. Yeah, I have. I miss him and everyday is hard but…it's the past and I need to learn to leave some things…in the past." She dangled the movie between her fingertips, taking a deep breath, "Yes or no to this one?"
"Well, well," drawled a lazily mocking voice that could only belong to one person, just as Peyton and Brooke were unloading their armfuls of movies and snacks at Peyton's place. "Look who it is…the, oh…seventh and eighth best nights of my life."
Peyton shot Chris a scathing look, thinking of just how nice he had been to her hours ago. "Sometimes I honestly think you're bipolar…" she muttered.
Brooke's hand grazed her shoulder, a calming, comforting gesture. "Look who it is," she replied, steel tucked into her playfully witty tone. "The biggest mistake of both our lives."
Peyton winced. She had bigger regrets than her tryst with Chris Keller.
"Curly doesn't agree with you," Chris noted smugly, having observed the change in Peyton's facial expression.
"Chris…" she sighed, almost pleading but not quite there.
Brooke set down her stack of DVDs, straightening up and planting a hand on her hip. Having Brooke to step up to defend her, like she used to do, made Peyton feel safer than she had in quite a while.
"As I recall, Chris…you were all broken up 'cause Peyton's not in love with you," she snapped, making an obviously fake sympathetic face.
"Yeah…" Chris said, taking a couple steps toward them and faking a pout of his own. "But it's 'cause she still loves your hubby."
Both of them froze, staring at Chris with horrified expressions, while a satisfied smirk tugged at his lips.
"You are such an ass," Brooke all but growled at him.
Chris shook his head. "See, the thing is…I'm not. The only reason you're as angry as you are is because part of you…knows that I'm write."
"Shut the hell up and get the hell out," Peyton ordered him immediately, wearing a look that could most certainly kill.
He held up his hands in surrender. "Alright, it's cool, I get it. An overdose of Keller…happens to even my best girls."
Peyton saw Brooke's fists curl. But before it could come to any sort of physical blows, Chris winked and slipped away. Brooke's fingers unclenched and Peyton relaxed a bit.
"Still the world's biggest jerk, huh?" Brooke asked shakily.
"Yeah. Once a lying bastard, always a lying bastard, right?" Peyton said, trying to both joke and get a message across at the same time. "You know he's just saying stuff to bug you. And because he's still pissed at me."
"Yeah," Brooke whispered, sounding very far from convinced. "Of course." She held up two movies. "What do you want to watch?"
Peyton sighed heavily. "It's…always going to be there, isn't it? Lucas, between you and me."
Brooke met her eyes hesitantly, nodding sadly.
Peyton nodded back. "Pretty in Pink," she whispered, gesturing to one of the DVDs. "Always a classic."
Jenny sighed, standing up and walking away from the piano before flopping back into a chair.
Haley spun around on the piano stool, looking equally tired. "Okay, Jen. I know it's early and you're tired and this isn't exactly easy…but we need to get to work. I know you've had a lot of drama going on lately…but things are okay, right? With your mom and everything?"
Jenny made a face. "Have I been totally immature this summer?"
Haley shrugged. "Everybody reacts differently to things. It hasn't been easy, I know that. But when it comes down to it, Jenny, your mother is your mother, and she loves you. You know that."
"Yeah. I do."
Haley sighed, resting her hands on her knees. "Kiddo, I'm here for you, you know that. But we really have to get cracking with this whole music thing."
Jenny met her eyes hesitantly. She needed to talk about this with someone, and her mother, her usual confidante, was not an option. "Can I ask you something?"
"About trying this in a major key instead of a minor? Or speeding up that second bar?" Haley chirped hopefully, raising her eyebrows.
"No. Sorry."
Her mentor-slash-aunt sighed again. "It's okay. Talk to me."
"Do you think…" Jenny sighed. "Do you think my mom and Lucas were having an affair?" Haley's eyes widened considerably, and Jenny rushed on, "I mean, before. When she was with my dad. Or even after that, 'cause he's still been married to Brooke. It's just…she said she was scared to tell me everything that's happened with him because she was afraid of what I'd think of her."
Haley sighed yet again. "Oh, Jenny…honey, I'm trying to stay out of it. Lucas and Peyton…are a little self destructive, they always have been. They tend to pick the worst moments to have emotional epiphanies, Lucas can be so goddamn indecisive, and…I want everyone to be happy, and I'm just trying…not to pick teams. I wish that there was a way for Lucas, Brooke, and Peyton all to get what they want out of this…I'm just praying that someone will find it, for all of their sakes."
Jenny smirked. "None of that answered my question."
Haley chuckled. "She told you about junior year, huh?"
"Yeah. Sneaking around behind Brooke's back."
The older musician shook her head. "Peyton has always been so…scared when it comes to Lucas, but then when she starts to lose him for good she finally finds it in herself to fight. Listen, honey, I don't want to…" She paused. "I will tell you this, okay? Your mom and Luke haven't been having an affair. They never were."
Jenny nodded, thankful, but she was still confused. "But then…how do they still have so much chemistry? It doesn't make sense to me."
Haley grinned. "I don't think it was ever supposed to make sense. Love's messy, honey. And Lucas and Peyton…are pretty much the epitome of messy."
Jenny wondered if that also meant that they were the epitome of love. "Is it worth it?" she asked quietly, meeting Haley's eyes hesitantly, nervous about what her response would be.
Her aunt-slash-mentor smiled gently. "I like to think so."
Peyton woke up the next morning, warmly tucked into her blankets and extremely comfortable. This was the way she liked to wake up in the summer. She rolled over, stretching out her arms and legs, and saw Brooke sprawled out beside her.
She couldn't help but smile. Brooke was lying on her back, mouth open, limbs all over the place. It brought Peyton back to when they were little kids, and sharing a bed with one another was a full-out battle. They'd wake up with bruises and red marks from having kicked and nudged and elbowed each other through the night. When she'd told Brooke to just crash in her bed the night before, a strange sort of current had passed between them, an acknowledgement of the reinstating of their friendship.
How had she gone from waking up in the morning with bruises on her shins…to where she was now?
Then she heard soft rapping on her door. She cast a why me? look up at the ceiling before flinging the covers back and getting up. Brooke rolled over and sighed, but stayed dead to the world.
Peyton shuffled over to the door, running her fingers through her uncontrollable curls. She opened the door and sighed. "What're you doing here?" she hissed, her half-asleep state making her particularly cranky.
Lucas held up his hand as if to show that he was unarmed. "I would really just like to talk with you. I've been worried about you."
"Okay, so not a good idea right now," she whispered, "considering your wife is asleep in my bedroom." She sighed, gesturing with her hand to shoo him out of her doorway. She stepped out of the apartment as well, shutting the door behind her and smoothing out her hair again. "Okay, Luke, I –"
"Later, alright?" he asked her, his hand somehow making its way to hers, gently capturing her fingers. "We just need to talk."
"Yeah," she murmured. "I know."
He tucked a flyaway hair behind her ear, but did nothing else. Their friendship had always had a physical aspect – Lucas was a naturally close-contact person, and Peyton was pretty touchy-feely too once she let someone past all her walls – so that gesture shouldn't have made her heart rate pick up, but it did. On an automatic impulse, she leaned forward to kiss him, pulling away after about thirty seconds. "Oh, God," she said, trying to get her brain to start working again as she covered her mouth with her hand.
Lucas looked understandably confused, but he just waited for her to say more.
"God, I'm sorry. I just…I'm still sleepy and a little out of it and you smell really good…" She blushed, wincing as she wished she could take back her babbling. "I'm sorry. We're not going to do this. We'll talk later. Come by…this afternoon. I-I'm…sorry," she blurted out, whirling around to make her escape back into her apartment.
"Peyton." His voice stopped her before she could turn the doorknob all the way. She glanced back at him nervously over her shoulder.
"I'm not," he said.
She squeezed her eyes shut. "Luke, don't –"
"I know," he cut her off. "We'll talk about it all later."
"Okay," she agreed, her lips still tingling with the taste of him, and rushed into her apartment before he could say another word.
Oh yeah, she was over Jake.
Lucas poked his head through the door, rapping gently on the wood. Peyton was bent over the oven in a short emerald-coloured dress that gave Lucas a view of almost every inch of her long legs. He cleared his throat. "Coast clear?"
Peyton turned around, sweeping her bangs out of her face, and smiled reluctantly. "We're going to hell."
His eyes and mind stayed fixed on her hand, on an angry red gash. "What happened?" he asked, closing the space between them, and gently cradling her injured hand in both of his.
"Oh, I…I cut it cleaning up the pieces of that plate I threw at you." She shifted uncomfortably. "Sorry about that."
"It's okay," he told her quietly. "Sorry for being such an indecisive asshole." She rewarded him with a small smirk as he ran a single finger across her scarred skin, asking, "Does it hurt?"
Peyton met his eyes with her sad, honest green orbs. "Yes," she whispered.
He nodded, understanding that they were now talking about much more than her cut. He brought her hand up to his mouth and gently ran his lips against the scratch. "Whatcha baking?" he asked, nodding toward the oven.
She carefully pulled her hand back. "Chocolate chip cookies," she informed him, placing one on a napkin and handing it over. "Jenny loves them…and I remember you telling me once that they're your favourite."
He couldn't help but grin at that, staring at her appreciatively. "God," he said, accepting the cookie. "I've missed you."
Her lips twisted into a sad smile. "You have no idea, Luke."
To avoid replying, he bit into his cookie. "Wow," he said after he swallowed. "So Peyton Sawyer finally learned how to cook."
"Shut up!" she cried, her words accompanied by that laugh that he loved so much. "Jenny's actually the better cook out of the two of us, but I don't tell most people that."
He smiled. He liked seeing this maternal side of her, kind and caring. "You've done so well with her, Peyt." He hesitated, but forged on, "I'm proud of you."
Peyton's eyes were glassy. "I haven't been doing well with her lately. Since we got here I've been the exact opposite of the mother I've tried to be for the last twelve years, and it's not fair to her. I'm not exactly worthy of any of your pride right about now."
"Of course you are," he soothed her. He'd always been able to feel Peyton's pain as though it were close to his own. "We all make mistakes sometimes."
"Well," she replied, her watery eyes connecting with his. "You would know, wouldn't you?"
Her words hit him with the same force as a punch to the stomach would have, but part of him knew he deserved it.
"God, Lucas, I'm sorry," she was saying a moment later, pressing a hand to her forehead. "I guess…I'm wrestling with everything I'm feeling and I'm taking it out on you." She looked at him imploringly. "You know, I'd feel better if you could bring that jerk side of yourself back so we could be idiots together…if you could get angry, too."
He reached out, cupping her neck with his hand and brushing his thumb gently down the curve of her jaw. It amazed him – and it boosted his ego a bit – that his touch could make her shiver after all these years. "I can't get angry with you," he said, and the look in her eyes made all the things Haley had said about fate play over again in his head. "In truth," he said, just as huskily and without moving his hand, "is that I haven't been the person I've been trying to be for the last twelve years since you got here, either."
A single tear slipped from her eye, snaking down her cheek. "Is that how it is with us? We screw each other up?"
"Maybe we make each other better," he contradicted her kindly. "And maybe that's just hard for us to deal with."
"I think I'm falling in love with you again," he said huskily.
"God, Luke…I never fell out of love with you," Peyton replied, her voice as raw as her heart. "But we can't do this."
"I feel like I've already lost too much with you."
She was starting to hate her ever-present tears, always ready and willing to fall. "Oh, Luke…"
"I think about it all the time. That day in L.A."
"Don't say that," she whispered.
"I wish you'd come with me."
"I do, too. I wanted to so bad…"
He shook his head, his expression incredulous. "Then why didn't you? God, Peyt…think about what we could have had."
Her lips trembled. "I do, Lucas, I do, but I had to be better than that. I wanted to go with you and love you but…I had Jenny to think about and…my husband had just died. I couldn't be that girl, Lucas," she choked out. "I wanted to go with you so badly, but I had to be worthy of all Jake and Jenny had given me."
Lucas' expression was hard to read. It was a complicated mixture of shame, regret, sympathy, realization…and love. Brooke, or Haley, clearly hadn't told him, and part of her was glad. Something told her that she needed to tell him about Jake's death, about the reason she declined his fantastic-yet-insane offer, herself. "Peyton," he said softly. He slipped his hands down, his palms s gently trailing along her upper arms, giving her goosebumps. "I'm so sorry."
She sniffled, carefully shrugging off his touch. "You didn't know."
"Maybe not…but I did know that I was being selfish when I came for you. My heart just ached for you and I stopped thinking. When I found out that my novel was going to be published it was this perfect, clear moment. And I knew that I loved you. That I probably always had. I needed to know if you felt the same way. But I…I had no idea how selfish I was really being. No wonder you looked so afraid."
She lifted her eyebrows as her heart warmed against her will. "You remember how I looked?"
Lucas nodded seriously. "And what were you wearing, and how your hair was."
"You do not."
"Hair straight, falling into your face and hiding your eyes. Dark pink dress with flutter sleeves and black flower on it. Brown leather belt. Black heels that made your legs look so…irresistible."
Peyton blushed and shook her head, amazed. "Blue crewneck sweater," she whispered after a brief silence. "And a black jacket. I wanted to grab you by the collar and kiss you and never let go." She tilted her head to the right as a thought occurred to her, and asked suspiciously, "How do you know what flutter sleeves are?"
The answer came to her before he could speak, even before a shadow fell across his face, and she wondered how she could have been so stupid. She answered for him, her voice quiet and packed with shame: "Brooke." She blinked back her tears furiously. "Lucas, we can't be. We can't betray her again. It was one thing when we were kids. It's different now."
"Is it?" he asked meaningfully.
She sighed, gazing into his eyes. "You and me?" she whispered. "No. It's not. But…everything else? Yeah. It is. And maybe…maybe it's too late."
"Don't say that. Look, Peyton…maybe we could make it work."
She took an instinctive step back. "Make what work?"
"Well…us. I could talk to Brooke –"
"And tell her what?" she demanded shrilly. "There's nothing to tell! We haven't seen each other in years! We have more self control than this…we can't just run back to one another."
"But Peyton, I've always-"
"No! You picked her! You married her!"
"I was alone!" he responded loudly. "I was so happy with my work, but I felt so empty, and I know that Brooke was feeling the same way. We just both wanted to feel more. Love, and support, and we both wanted to have a family."
Peyton felt her eyes widen. "What are you saying?"
"That…"
"That you and Brooke were just waiting it out with one another?"
He shrugged ashamedly. "Maybe?"
"Don't you dare! Don't…" She didn't even know what to say to him anymore. "Don't belittle your marriage, a marriage that now includes a child just to make yourself feel better for all your betrayal!"
"That's not what I'm doing," he protested.
"You are! You're making excuses and you are horrible for doing that. You have loved Brooke for over twelve years, or so you've always claimed. Don't start saying that was a lie now. Don't, just don't."
"I do love Brooke," Lucas insisted, "I just…she's not you," he said sadly. "I would like to love her as much as I know I can love you, I just…can't. It's always been different with you and me. Somehow it's always felt more real with us. More like it was meant to end up that way. And it still does."
"We can't be," Peyton insisted again, trying to get the point through his thick skull. "There is no us. You are just like Nathan sometimes, you know? Dan Scott's sons," she added bitterly, trying not to think about how much that might hurt him. "It's me and Nathan in junior year, that's Brooke and you, and I'm Haley. You say we're just friends, but I mean something to you…or at least, I think I do, but when you're with Brooke you just deny it all and pretend that you really want to be with her and act like a jerk. And Nathan, lately, is being a sweetheart. Talk about switching places," she growled.
"Peyton…" he said sadly.
"No! If we were both single and life hadn't gotten in the way, then I would want this. I'd want to date you and fall in love again and have you get down on one knee and have a perfect wedding and have kids and all that idyllic crap, but that's not how it is anymore."
"You're telling me you don't love me anymore?" he asked, with something cocky about him that served to further piss her off.
"I do! You know I do! You're my…my always, and I just…but we can't."
"But if we could?" he countered stubbornly.
"Why won't you understand?" she gasped desperately, looking at him imploringly.
"I do understand, and I'm sorry about all the pain this is causing everyone…but I think it can work. I want it to work. I want to feel what's always been in the depths of my heart. I want all the things you want," he added, a small smile gracing his lips at the sense of déjà vu.
"Lucas, I'm at a loss, okay?" she cried, throwing her hands into the air. She remembered falling in love with him junior year and discovering that he'd picked another girl. "Brooke is my friend, but I…my heart wants to be with you, but I have Jenny to think about. I don't want to know what my fourteen-year-old is going to say when she finds out about this, about you and me eight years ago…I've given her enough sadness in a little over a week. She doesn't deserve it. And your daughter, your little girl, she doesn't deserve it, either. It's just so hard, you and me, and it always has been. You can't wait for me and I can't just give myself to you. When we were kids, I thought it was a sign that it wouldn't work, but…it just won't go away, and I…dammit, Luke, what were you thinking then? What kind of people were we? What kind of people are we?" She exhaled and inhaled shakily. "And what do we do now?"
Lucas was silent and stoic for a few moments, his eyes quickly calculating. Finally, he was defeated, and he breathed, "I don't know, Peyt. But I do know that I am so sorry that you lost him. And I'm sorry that somewhere along the line we lost each other."
She melted, tears slipping from her eyes, and he opened his arms to her. She dove into them, sobbing, and for a while he was just her Luke again. The boy who loved her enough to save her every time.
A/N: Review, please! I got some rants a couple chapters ago, and honestly, I appreciate it – I want to know what you really think, good, bad, you really miss Chris Keller, Jenny's a brat, whatever.
