Huge thanks to everyone who reviewed and asked me not to stop this story!!! And everyone who gave me more ideas, telling me what they'd like to see. You guys are all awesome and make every bit of this writing thing worth it. ;) Thank you!!! :) *hugs*
Well I'd hoped that last night's episode would give me some lovely bro-love moments to be inspired by, but unfortunately there weren't any. :( Still, it had enough angst in it that I felt the need to write after I'd watched it, and this is the result.
I'm going to be honest and say I don't really like it as much as the other chapters - it was kind of written in an angsty haze after watching the latest eppy. So it's not as well thought out as the others, I don't think. Still, I like to think it has its moments LOL. And it's sappy. Which is always good, right? Anyhoo. Enjoy. :)
Disclaimer: I still don't own them.
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They're on the road. Dean's driving, looking straight ahead, his jaw set. He hasn't said more than one word answers since the day began.
Sam watches him out of the corner of his eye so that Dean doesn't know he's looking, which is something he has down perfectly.
"What?" Dean asks shortly.
Sam almost smiles. Knowing when Sam is looking at him and pretending he's not looking at him is something Dean has down perfectly, too.
"Nothing. You okay?" He tosses a real glance at Dean, now that Dean knows he's looking. His brother is a little pale, his green eyes a little glassy.
"I'm fine." Dean's reply is tense.
"Alright." Sam looks away again.
The thing is, he knows Dean is definitely not fine.
And he knows why, too.
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Dean swallows hard, pulls the Impala into the motel parking lot.
"I'll get the room," Sam offers, getting out of the car.
Dean watches him walk up to the office, but he's not really seeing him. He finds he's shaking a little, and tightens his hands into fists. Clenches his teeth, tells himself to stop. Stop thinking about it.
But how can he not think about it?
He blinks hard and forces himself to get out of the car, walk over to join Sam where he's standing.
Sam is watching him, like he has been all day, his eyebrows knit together a little and his dark eyes concerned. But he doesn't say anything, and Dean is grateful.
Once in the room, Dean goes to the bathroom and closes the door, forcing himself to take deep breaths.
All day, all day he's felt like he's going to break down any second.
You can't, Dean. Pull yourself together. Be strong for Sammy. You know he knows too. Of course he knows.
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Sam hovers in front of the closed door, wondering what he should do. Maybe he should just leave Dean alone, let him calm down by himself.
Is that really what you think? When has Dean ever been better off when he's by himself?
Sam backs away from the door and goes to the kitchen sink, quickly splashing water on his face. When he stands, he finds his hands are shaking. He watches them for a moment, forcing himself to keep the emotions that are rising down.
Be strong Sam. For Dean.
He looks at his watch. It's four o' clock. Still a ton of hours left to this miserable day.
Sam sighs.
Okay, you have a choice, Sam. You can leave Dean in that bathroom, trying to cope by himself, and you can stay out here, sitting and waiting the rest of the day. Or, you can get Dean out of there, get some beers, and go talk about this somewhere. Okay - maybe not talk. But at least you'll be handling this together. And you know that's always the best way.
Sam decides to listen to himself, and goes to the bathroom door and knocks. "Dean?"
There's a moment of silence, and then "Yeah." Dean sounds drained.
"Hey, I was just wondering if you want to... go some place." Sam winces. Nice one. That didn't sound weird or anything.
"Go some place?" Dean sounds incredulous.
"Yeah... Bobby said there was a nice place around here... it's not too far." Sam tucks his hands in his pockets, trying desperately to sound light-hearted.
"What kind of place?" Dean asks. Sam can't hear any movement behind the door.
"Um... a park?"
There's a shuffling sound, then the door opens. Dean is giving him the exact look Sam was expecting. Eyebrows raised, eyes wide, head cocked to one side.
"A park."
"Yeah."
Dean almost smiles, but his eyes are still glassy. "So... what? You want to push me on the swings? Or maybe you were planning on trying out the big-kid slide. No wait - I got it. You want to go on the teeter-totter."
Sam does smile, he can't help it, but he quickly pulls himself together. He knows it's important to play this just right, or else Dean will shy away and then there'll be nothing he can do.
"It's not that kind of park, Dean. It's just a... nice place you know? Away from all the traffic and stuff."
Dean gives him a long look, like he's trying to figure out exactly what he's thinking. "I dunno Sam..."
He looks so defeated that Sam's heart aches. Yes, he's upset too. But he knows that Dean is taking this way harder than him.
"Come on, Dean. It's better than just sitting in this place. Please?" He adds the 'please' because he knows Dean can't say no to that. And he's right.
Dean sighs, shifting his shoulders and looking at the floor, but finally says "Okay, whatever. Let's go."
Sam punches the air mentally, and goes to grab the keys. "I'll drive," he says. "I want to stop and grab some beer first."
"Alright." Dean doesn't argue.
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Sam stops the Impala on the gravel-covered parking lot and climbs out. From here, it just looks like a bunch of trees. But according to Bobby, at the end of the trail is a pretty amazing view. He glances at Dean, who is climbing out of the car slowly. His shoulders are tense, his jaw set, his eyes not meeting Sam's.
All sure signs that Dean is not handling things well.
Sam waits until Dean is beside him before heading down the trail. It's dark and cool in the trees, and he takes a deep breath. Even aside from the real reason they're here, it really is nice to be away from all the noise and smells of the town.
He carries the six-pack with one hand, walking close enough to Dean that their shoulders brush every once in a while, but not close enough to make his brother shy away.
"It's kinda nice out here, huh?"
Dean sniffs. "Yeah, if you like Wendigos."
Sam smirks.
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Dean is walking with his head up, trying for all the world to look like he's fine.
Okay Dean, just breathe. You already know that Sam's about to start a chick-flick moment. That doesn't mean you have to start crying or something. You're a big boy. You're not going to cry. You're not.
He clenches his jaw hard and looks up ahead to where the trees are finally ending. The afternoon sun is shining right in his eyes, and he blinks, ducking his head.
They step out of the woods, and Dean catches his breath. Okay, so maybe I'm no nature boy, like Sammy. But this is pretty awesome.
About fifty feet out the ground drops away, and below them there's a deep valley, packed with pine trees. At the bottom there's a little river, like a silver snake amongst the deep green of the trees. The sun is hitting the trees just right, and it could almost be a scene from The Lord of the Rings, or something.
Dean hears Sam sigh, and glances over. His brother is looking out at the view with that Nature Boy look that Dean knows so well.
"Still looks a lot like Wendigo territory to me," Dean can't resist commenting.
Sam smiles at him, and Dean looks away. If Sam keeps on smiling at him like that, he's gonna cry for sure. Stop smiling Sammy. Stop smiling like that, with the understanding eyes and the 'I'm here for you' face.
He follows his brother to the railing at the edge. Sam puts down the pack of beer and pulls a couple out, passing one to Dean. Dean accepts it with a nod of thanks, cracking it open and taking a long drink.
They stand in silence for a few minutes, and then Sam looks at him. Dean looks at the ground. Here we go. His eyes are already burning.
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Sam feels lighter out here somehow. He feels like he can talk to Dean about it out here, and he won't run off and hide somewhere. Out here he can build a bridge between them - one Dean wouldn't be willing to cross, back in the motel room.
"Dean?"
He watches as Dean immediately looks at the ground, avoiding his eyes. "What."
"I know what today is, okay. I know it's been a year..." He takes a breath - "...since Dad died."
Dean flinches, hunching up his shoulders. He's still not looking at Sam.
Sam takes a deep breath, plows onward. "And I know you don't want to talk about it... hell I don't think I want to talk about it." His eyes fill up a little as he says this, and he blinks hard before continuing. "I just want you to know that I'm here, that's all."
Dean sniffs, glances quickly at him, eyes sparkling with unshed tears.
The look on his face breaks Sam's heart all over again. He wishes he could do something, wishes he could bring Dad back somehow. But he can't. All he can do is be here for Dean.
He looks away over the valley, his part done. He hears Dean sniff again, and then "I miss him, Sam."
Sam swallows hard before looking at his brother. Dean's looking at him now, eyes desperate, as though he wants - needs - Sam to listen.
He steps back from the railing, turns to face his brother. "I know, Dean. I do too."
Dean swallows hard and looks up, blinking rapidly. "Hard to believe it's been a year, you know? Can't really believe he's been - he's been gone that long."
Sam nods silently, watching as Dean lowers his head again. A tear escapes and runs down his brother's cheek, but Dean doesn't bother to wipe it off, and it's closely followed by a second.
Sam sighs quietly. "C'mere."
He reaches out and puts his hand on the back of Dean's neck, pulls him close until his forehead is on Sam's shoulder. His breathing is rough and Sam can tell he's trying hard to control his emotions, but a second later he reaches up and grips the front of Sam's jacket, and Sam swears he hears a small sob. He gently squeezes the back of Dean's neck, rubbing his arm soothingly with the other hand. He feels a couple of tears run down his own cheeks, too, and he bites his lip, hard.
Dean seems to draw strength from this though, because a second later he pulls back, rubbing his eyes quickly and looking away.
Sam decides to give Dean a second to pull himself together, and moves to sit on the bench behind them, taking his beer with him. He expects Dean to stay away for a few minutes until he's back to his stoic self again, but a second later Dean joins him, sitting down with a soft sigh.
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Dean sits close enough that their shoulders are touching, drawing strength from the contact with his brother.
Sam laughs suddenly, and Dean jumps he's so surprised.
"You know what I was just thinking about?" Sam is grinning.
Dean can't figure out what the hell Sam could be smiling and laughing about, so he shrugs. "What?"
"You remember that time that there was a snowstorm, and we had to say in that motel room for ages? In Michigan? I think I was about ten." Sam's eyes are shining.
"Yeah... I was fourteen," Dean remembers, still not getting what's so funny about it.
"And we played poker," Sam laughs again, "And you beat him every single time. And he couldn't figure out how come you were so good at it."
"Cause I spent weeks playing with you, after he taught me," Dean says. "While we waited for him to come back from hunts." And suddenly he smiles. He can see Dad's face, clear in his head, that look of complete shock - and pride - after Dean had beat him nine times in a row. He remembers the thrill of beating his father at something he was so good at, the amusement of exchanging glances with Sammy while their father stared in amazement.
But most of all he remembers how happy he was that his father was so proud of him.
How Dad had stood up, ruffled his hair, and said "Nice job, son."
Now, he looks back at Sammy. Sam's eyes are shining still, but not with tears anymore, and Dean finds his own eyes have stopped watering too.
Yeah, he feels crappy. And yeah, he misses Dad so much it hurts. He can't even think of a way to express how much he misses his Dad.
But remembering the good moments has helped.
And the thing is, at this time last year, when Dad died, he'd thought that in a year's time, Sam would be gone. He'd be by himself again. Sam off at school, or maybe - and it's hard to think about it even now - gone darkside. Either way, he thought he'd be alone right now.
But he isn't. Sam is still beside him, Sam is still his anchor, still his brother. Not some monster. And even though he misses his dad a lot, this - right here - this is something that Dean wouldn't give up for anything.
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What did you think? Good? Bad? Not as good as the other chapters, but still okay? :P
Please let me know! :)
Thanks to all so much for reading.
~Deanandhisimpala
P.S. That "C'mere" was for you, Emerald-Water! Hope you liked it! :D *hugs*
