Okay, another chapter has come. I thought you could all use a humor chapter so here it is. Again, apologies for the delay but the cancer is gone! I'm so happy! Now I just have to survive all of the work I took on this summer. Don't worry, updates will still come, the next chapter is halfway written and once…well…once a big surprise happens, updates will come very quickly. As always, Glyth is a goddess! What would I do without her?
Affirmation
I believe the sun should never set upon an argument
I believe we place our happiness in other people's hands
I believe that junk food tastes so good because it's bad for you
I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do
I believe that beauty magazines promote low self esteem
I believe I'm loved when I'm completely by myself alone
-Savage Garden
"Are you out of your mind?" Wally demanded, wondering how the girl of his dreams could design such a horrible torture for him. He had trusted her and this was how she repaid him? He felt most betrayed!
"Oh come on, it's just a shopping trip. We both need new clothing," Jinx snapped, tugging at his arm.
"Why? My aunt goes shopping for me and I have no need for you to max out my credit cards," Wally pleaded, his voice settling into a pout. "Can't we go wind surfing or sky diving or something that I'll actually enjoy?" He didn't like sports much, so he didn't need to make her to watch games with him.
"Because if you are going to be my boyfriend, then we need to look be in style. And since you won't let me shoplift, I have to get the money somehow," Jinx explained, continuing to drag him through the mall. "Come on, we could even get you a facial!"
"I don't want a facial," Wally sniffed, most likely pondering if he could just speed her to the food court, he liked going shopping there. "I'm not a girl, am I?"
"You dress like such a nerd! Those horn-rimmed glasses, Oxford sweaters, button down white ironed shirts, loafers; does your aunt go shopping with Mr. Rogers?" Jinx demanded, clamping onto his arm like a crab. "How do you even show your face in public looking like this? You…have a pocket protector…I think I am going to be sick."
Wally had to admit, he much preferred cooler clothing, like the leather jackets and torn jeans, but his uncle had been a stickler for dress and frankly, it helped keep his secret identity. Plus, he was a smart guy and that was nothing to be ashamed of. "Well, at least my pocket is protected." Wally grinned and blew her a kiss. "Now come on, let's ditch this and go…swimming. I can have us in Maui in twenty minutes."
"Tempting but no. You are coming with me, if I have to put a leash on you. If not, I'm going straight to the Museum of Natural History and raiding the gems display. I mean it," Jinx snapped, laying down the law…or the prevention of the breaking of the law.
"I should never have dated a kleptomaniac," Wally muttered, just loud enough for Jinx to hear him and wink, knowing she had him by the heart. "Okay, so you're cute. But please, no shopping."
His pleas were roundly ignored. "You have red hair, so that makes it a challenge," Jinx noted, as she considered the overpriced clothing swarming around them. Although his allowance was generous, very generous, he had a feeling that Jinx would be racking up a debt that would be tough to hide.
Wally was wondering how the heck he would be explaining the charges to Uncle Barry. "Yeah, I decided I love to shop." Yeah, that would get him a funny look and a demand to Aunt Iris that Wally toughen up and be more manly and go chop wood or something farm boys did.
Then came the clothing. Wally had gone through level twelve drills with Batman himself and had been barely out of breath. Jinx took shopping to an Olympic level. She seemed to move faster than him, dragging him around, throwing clothing into his arms while she chattered of whether he was a season (or seasoning) and if he needed to have his eyebrows tweezed and how lucky he was to have her. "I'm so lucky, it hurts," he muttered, meaning every word of it.
"You suffer for my art," Jinx replied, and Wally wondered if this was a good sign that she was channeling her aggression into tormenting him. Perhaps he was performing some form of therapy for her. No, he was just deluding himself.
Of course, none of his bad spirits put a damper on Jinx's high spirits. From store to store she seemed to fly, without even running out of breath. "Isn't this adorable? Now, why can't you have taste like this?" she would demand, or make some disparaging remarks about Starfire and Raven's sense of style. He had always liked the Titan gals' sense of style; they bought the same outfit ten times and were consistent. Saved on shopping time!
He whimpered at the pile of clothes that kept growing. He had the ability to speed through the pile, but Jinx wanted to see him pose. Slowly. And repeatedly. He had to keep reminding himself that he loved her, as the ugliest clothes he had ever seen were dumped in front of him with a crazed grin that bespoke poorly for Jinx's sanity.
"Please, haven't we tried enough?" Wally pleaded one time, but found himself roundly ignored. Maybe Jinx had been deprived of Barbie Dolls and that's why needed to use him as hers.
He wondered if Robin had ever done this back in Gotham with his girlfriend. He would have to ask the next time he and his friend were out, doing some recon together.
"Try this one," Jinx kept saying, in the dressing room. "And stop being so modest, I've seen you naked before. You have nothing to be self-conscious about."
"You're evil, you know," Wally said, with a blush as he modeled the next outfit, each one designed to make him look like a villain. Ripped jeans, leather jackets, wife beaters, all of the clothing Uncle Barry hated was now on his body. "My glasses," he muttered.
"I dropped them," Jinx defended herself, even though both knew she had then stepped on them, repeatedly. She stepped on them again with a sickening crack. "But you look amazing." That was one way of putting it. His hair had gotten used to being slicked back neatly or in curls when he was in uniform. He winced as he felt the hard mousse spikes on his head. The image before him in the mirror made him want to arrest himself. "But the improvement is immense."
"What happened to loving someone for who they are?" Wally muttered as he changed into a different outfit, one resembling something out of the production of Grease his aunt had dragged him too. What was Jinx's obsession with leather?
"That saying was invented by ugly people who never got a date," Jinx said cheerfully. "Embrace change, especially when it's going to get you laid." She had a definite point there, maybe this time; he'd actually remember what happened. "You know, it's nice to honestly get these clothes. I know what it's like to be poor." She just loved laying the guilt on him.
"Look, I promised I'd take care of you," Wally said, taking her hand and kissing. "I gave my word, and I always keep my word," he said, wondering how much his word meant right now.
"You're sweet. Don't worry, I'm a big girl, I don't need you to help me tie my shoes. But if you want to help me unbutton my bra…I could use the help," Jinx said, with a wink.
"Ummm…I know you're going to think I'm crazy, but I'd rather wait…" Wally said, remembering that Black Canary had said that he should take it slow. He was already…feeling the pressure of the situation.
Jinx laughed and patted his shoulder. "You really have to cool it. It's just sex, it's not like I'm asking you to moon Batman. If you have to be such a stick in the mud, smoke some of this. It really helps," she continued, reaching into her bag and pulling out a white stick.
Wally's sense of smell was pretty keen and he knew exactly what that was. "You can't be serious." His Jinx was many things, but an addict was not one of them.
Jinx rolled her eyes and pressed it into his hand. "Ohhh, cool it. I just use them for some stress relief, I am not addicted. It beats cake and keeps my figure cute. Come on, don't you trust me? Just try it once and if you don't like it, I'll never ask again," she urged. "Live a little."
"I trust you, but this is a bad idea. Imagine what could happen?" Wally whispered, sure that the entire world was caving in on him. He remembered the one time he and Robin had sneaked into the wine cellar to see what the grown ups were enjoying. They had gotten themselves so sick, that even their guardians had decided that they had been punished enough. He couldn't imagine how sick he would be if he tried that…very terrifying little white stick.
"You might actually enjoy yourself. You really need to stop being a hero sometimes and just be my boyfriend," Jinx chided, as she slid the contraband into his hand. "Just go outside and smoke. If you hate it, throw it away. No one will call the police and you can disappear way before they see you. Come on, be brave. Embrace change."
"Fine…" Wally mumbled. It was an excuse for him to stop shopping and besides…she wasn't trying to kill anymore. It wasn't a bad idea to try some new things, and when he hated it, he could say he had done his best and then use this as leverage over her to get her to go away with him somewhere much more fun.
"Don't you dare," Uncle Barry's voice urged him, the same voice that had forbade him so many times "Don't eat cookies, bad for your teeth," "Don't contradict me, you're not going out tonight," "Don't you dare leave your room, you're grounded till further notice," "Don't even think about that, it's too dangerous." Wally knew that it was just his Uncle caring about him, but there had been a lot of times where Wally had been forced to grit his teeth and obey. Robin and he would commiserate over communicators over the 'Mental Mentor monotony." But now, he was fifteen and for once in his life, he would make his own choices.
He sat on the stoop outside behind some trees and quickly rubbed the tip of the white wad to light it. Just…smelling it was interesting, it made him feel lightheaded and relaxed. Yeah, he could use this break in the pressure in his life. He wouldn't actually put it in his mouth, but he could enjoy the sweet sensation of just doing something wrong! There, Uncle Barry…what are you doing to do about that?
As if his uncle could read his mind, Wally felt a very hard grip on his shoulder. A grip that was not normal….
"Clark Kent, Daily Planet," said a calm, deep male voice. Oh drat! Not the hero he was thinking of, but not the one he wanted to see either! "Mind if I have a word with you." It wasn't a question as much a dire suggestion. This was one of the two men in the world who could outrun him without breaking a sweat and who could pin him as well. Best to surrender peacefully and make no sudden movements.
"Ummm...I am not allowed to talk to strangers," Wally squeaked, turning around and craning his neck to look up at the civilian identity of the man of steel and his very beautiful crush, Miss Lois Lane. "So…if you don't mind, I'll be going now." He shuffled his feet and found himself feeling like he had a ten ton anchor on his shoulders.
"Not so fast," The Man of Steel and Puns said which would have been funny if it hadn't been Wally's plan to make a break for it and keep running till he hit New Zealand. Of course, that wouldn't have worked, but it was worth a shot.
"Clark, you're scaring the kid. Come on, so he's smoking a joint. I did dumb stuff when I was a kid," Miss Lane said, giving him a confident smile. "You know, it's bad for your health, kiddo. You should be more careful. Now, run along," she said, motioning for Superman…Mr. Kent…to let go of his shoulder. If only things were so easily.
"Of course, run along. Lois, I need to make a phone call to Dr. Allen back in Central City, can I borrow your cell phone?" Superman said with a shrug, still not letting go. Wally gasped at the dirty trick; he thought the Blue Boy Scout as Batman called him would never stoop as low as tattling.
"Okay, so you aren't a stranger. I just realized I know you," Wally mumbled, hanging his head. He would have to talk it up with him or risk his uncle's wrath and never being able to see Jinx again. Speaking of which, where was his lady love? She had been a few steps away, why couldn't he see her? She couldn't have known that this was Superman, could she?
"But you wish you didn't, don't you? You're a naughty little boy to lie to us." Lois teased. "Now I know you are, you're little Wally." Little Wally. Could his pain and humiliation be any deeper? "Clark and I interviewed your uncle Dr. Allen last year on his new DNA mapping program. Clark, what an amazing memory you have."
"So, what are you doing in this neck of the woods?" Wally asked, trying to change the subject as best he could. He really didn't like the way it was going at the present.
"We're doing a story on the mysterious vigilante who took out See-More and Firefly. Seems like there's a new hero in town. Any information you know?" Miss Lane asked, giving him a searching look.
"No, ma'am but I am sure to call if I hear something," Wally said, giving her his most winning smile. Wow, his alter ego had an alter ego, that was something few people had. Maybe he should continue using this persona, he could be the Ghost, never seen but the villains remain behind.
"You are so polite, what happened to you to become such a bad boy?" Despite her light tone, Wally could see why she was such a seasoned news reporter. She seemed to be able to put her audience at ease like she was, but Wally knew she could be waiting for his attention to falter.
"That's what I want to know. Dr. Barry Allen is a very…law abiding and good man and I can't imagine how angry he would be if he knew what his nephew was up to," Superman glared, managing to convey heat vision with his stare without actually using it.
"Well, he's not around, so I guess we don't need to talk about hypothetical situations," Wally whispered, realizing that God hated him at that moment.
"He's an old friend of mine and I think he would appreciate knowing. I should take him home." Wally suddenly knew how villains felt when they met up with the Man of Steele. Entirely helpless.
"Aww, Smallville, let him be a kid," Lois said lightly, obviously amused by the whole situation.
Wally debated kissing the woman's hands and vowing to be her slave for life. "Yes, let me be a kid," he echoed, before wincing under a very disgruntled glare of one very disappointed superhero. "Sorry sir, I'm going to shut up now," he squeaked.
Superman's grip had tightened securely. If Wally tried to speed away, he'd just end up breaking the sidewalk from the friction, something that would definitely give away his secret identity. "Lois, I'll be back soon, I just need to set this one straight."
Miss Lane laughed, abandoning her role as his protector. "Set him straight? Are you going to take out to the woodshed?" she snickered, not caring how she was the one thing standing between him and doom.
At the mention of the term 'woodshed', a situation he and Robin had become very familiar with as they had learned to be heroes, he could feel himself undergo a cold sweat. "Please don't joke!" he pleaded, reminding himself he was a teenager, he was far too old for that. Wally was starting to wonder if it would be okay to push her off a building or something. She'd yell "save me", and while the older hero was distracted and busy saving her, Wally would run for his life.
Superman had already begun to led him away from any witnesses, all the better to fully chew him out. "Who says she's joking? Your uncle and I have a lot in common, including upbringings," he whispered, and Wally gulped. "But first, we need to talk."
Wally wondered when Jinx would show up and save him. He already knew the answer to that, when pigs flew. He was on his own and he knew it. "Will it be quick?" he asked, punning his troubles. Superman nodded, still towering over him like a guillotine. "And painless?" he continued, his voice rising some.
"I hope so, for your sake. Good luck," Miss Lane said as Wally was half hauled away like a naughty child caught with his hands in the cookie jar...instead of a Teen hero who had rights and…who was he kidding? His uncle's parenting methods definitely were ferociously anti-drugs. He was already wishing he had never laid eyes on illicit plants.
"Ummm...I don't suppose begging you to forget this will work?" Wally pleaded as he was dragged out of the store front and into the back of the parking lot.
"Nope," Superman snapped, still yanking very painfully on his shoulder. Wally knew that it was a light grip for a man who could fling around Humvees like they were Frisbees, but it still smarted. "Give me one good reason I should not lock you in the fortress of Solitude and get your uncle?"
Wally whimpered at the thought of being trapped in that ice prison and forced to do homework in the middle of the Artic circle with absolutely no social life. "You want to stay on my Christmas list?" he ventured.
"Fine. Barry can teach you a lesson," Superman said, looking as if he was going to pick Wally up like a little kid and fly him there. "And personally…when your uncle takes one look at you, dressed like some punk, I wouldn't want to be you right then for the all the oil in Arabia."
"I can run myself," Wally protested, flinching at the trouble he was in and the indignity of being carried. Superman's look of skepticism was not lost on the younger hero, who realized that the time for dignity had passed. Now came the time for good old fashioned groveling and begging for mercy. "And how do you know I'm not undercover right now?"
"Are you?" Superman asked, staring down at him with that glare that promised lying would be met with severe consequences.
Wally looked away. "No, sir. But you don't need to get my uncle involved. Please, I'll be good. I'll be really good from now on," he pleaded, trying a different tactic.
"A good boy who takes drugs? Who has the nerve to lie and try to escape a senior mentor when called to attention? You should have obeyed me instead of trying to weasel your way out of talking to me. You need a lesson in respect," Superman growled. "And I can't think of a better person than your uncle. He knows how to deal with you when you behave like this."
Wally winced, knowing that he would have to think fast if he wanted to avoid this fate. "Please…try and understand…" he began, making sure to look like a sorry little kid and not a defiant teenager.
"No, I can't understand! Why would you even try something like this? You're a smart boy," Superman asked, finally letting go of him. "You know how stupid drugs are, we've taught you that. You were our first apprentice, we all adopted you and cared about you. When you misbehave, you don't just insult Barry, you insult all of us."
"I…wanted to impress a girl," Wally answered, tiptoeing around the truth so gracefully. "It's hard to find a girl who doesn't think I'm boring. Wally West, kid genius, boring college student who spends all his time in a lab. I…just wanted to be cool." He tried to look as pitiable as possible.
To his joy, Superman's face softened. "It is…not easy to be a hero. I know that, and I know you're just a kid. But smoking isn't an excuse; you need to be more responsible."
"I'll never do it again, or may I end up on Batman's bad list," Wally said, knowing that it was his most solemn vow. No one ever wanted to end up on the Bat's bad list.
"Yes…Batman. Yes, that's very true. Hmmm...and if I ever smell smoke on you?" Superman said, giving him a thoughtful look. This was starting to look very good for him.
Wally grinned, knowing he had won the guilt war. "You can make me hoe corn in Kansas," he offered, giving the senior hero his most innocent grin.
"If I ever smell smoke on you again...I will personally see to it that you will regret you ever saw matches. All right, I won't tell your uncle," Superman said, with a strange smile. "But…watch yourself."
"I will, sir," Wally said, snapping his heels together and saluting. He was really a lucky kid…even if he seemed to be creeping closer to oblivion each time he made a move. Maybe he would be lucky enough to keep it that way.
"Now where is my girl?" he wondered.
AN-So, everyone else must be wondering where is Jinx as well?
