Deng Zhi Answers Letters!
Disclaimer: Dynasty Warriors is now owned by me. It belongs to KOEI TECMO. Same goes to all of the representing franchises.
Chapter 1: An Ordinary Day in the Life of Deng Zhi
Xingcai
What's wrong with Liu Shan? He seems happy for some reason.
Deng Zhi
Xingcai
He's got a girlfriend?! I didn't see that coming. Also, why are you sad? Should you be happy for him because he's getting laid-Oh shit.
Deng Zhi
Xingcai
Look! I know what I said was messed up, but think about it! Your father and Xiahouji eloped, which was how you, Zhang Bao and Zhang Yi were born.
Deng Zhi
Xingcai
You want to do what to him?! Ahem! I'm sorry, but you can't do that now that he's got a girlfriend.
Deng Zhi
Xingcai
That still doesn't mean that you can force Liu Shan to have sex if he's got a girl! That's called being a Dominatrix, my dear friend!
Deng Zhi
Xingcai
Wait, you want me to help?! Um, how about NO!
Deng Zhi
Xingcai
Cai, you can't force me to help you! You got yourself in this mess so you gonna have to get yourself out of it.
Deng Zhi
Liu Feng
Feng, I need your help. Xingcai's going crazy thinking about Liu Shan! Can you help a guy out?
Deng Zhi
Liu Feng
What do you mean I have to get you something in return?!
Deng Zhi
Liu Feng
Alright. I'll give you $2'000! Does that suit you? Good. Now help me!
Deng Zhi
Random Fangirl
Who's Donghae?
Deng Zhi
Random Fangirl
He looks like me? So, how did you know about this e-mail?
Deng Zhi
Guan Suo
Hey, Suo. You are in deep shit right now.
Deng Zhi
Guan Suo
Don't act dumb, you fucking idiot. Some girl told me that you leaked my e-mail address to the whole world.
Deng Zhi
Guan Suo
Oh. So, if it wasn't you, then who did it?
Deng Zhi
Guan Suo
Figures. It had to be them, of all people. Wang Ping and Zhang Yi. This can be considered payback for them because of what happened at Halloween last year.
Deng Zhi
Random Fangirl
*The letter is covered in blood*
EW! Why did you send your blood in this letter?!
Deng Zhi
Random Fangirl
Are you telling me that you want me to have babies with you? How old are you?
Deng Zhi
Random Fangirl
Jesus, that young? God... what the hell's wrong with this generation?
Deng Zhi
Wang Yi
How did you get sick? Explain quickly because it's a late night and I want to get up early tomorrow.
Deng Zhi
Wang Yi
So let me get this straight: You're telling me that you watched Cabin Fever and that's why you're scared of people touching your water bottle?
Deng Zhi
Wang Yi
That's... I've got nothing to say...
Deng Zhi
Wang Yi
Say, how about you sleep with me tonight? That way, I can beat up Ma Chao if he finds you here.
Deng Zhi
Guan Yinping
Can you do me a solid? Ma Chao found out about Wang Yi sleeping with me and now I've got spear holes around my body... Is it alright if I stay at your room for a few days until Ma Chao leaves my room?
Deng Zhi
Zhao Yun
Don't ask me how I got injured by Ma Chao. It's something you shouldn't know.
Deng Zhi
King Midang
Didn't expect you to e-mail me. Wow. I'm surprised.
Deng Zhi
Guan Yi
Yi, Yinping's acting like Yang Xiao Long. She's not happy that I woke her up.
Deng Zhi
Guan Yi
How am I suppose to know that waking her up was a bad idea?!
Deng Zhi
Guan Suo
Remind me not to wake up Yinping in the morning.
Deng Zhi
Ma Chao
That's it. I want you to get the fuck out of my room!
Deng Zhi
Ma Chao
You're fucking making your marks on the carpet! Also, where the fuck is Wang Yi?
Deng Zhi
Ma Chao
Why the fuck are you mad at me for?! She got sick so I had to keep her healthy!
Deng Zhi
Ma Chao
It's either that or I'll kill your horse!
Deng Zhi
Ma Chao
Thought so. Now, where's Wang Yi?
Deng Zhi
Lucina
Oh. You're the daughter of Chrom. Hello. I'm Deng Zhi. It's nice to meet you.
Deng Zhi
Chrom
Lucina is such a sweet girl. How old is she, anyway?
Deng Zhi
Chrom
I'm a what to her?! Listen, son! The only problem we're going to have here is a fight and you don't want to know how I fight!
Deng Zhi
Chrom
Ignore that last one. I just got pissed off at Ma Chao.
Deng Zhi
Hinoka
You have Guan Yu's weapon, correct? Well, if you do, please bring it back. Zhou Cang's hunting you down like a hawk.
Deng Zhi
Female Corrin
Can I call you Kamui because I don't want to call you and your brother at the same time.
Deng Zhi
Camilla
Listen, Captain Boobalicious. Kamui's not a child! If she want's to have a date with me, then she will!
Deng Zhi
Elise
God, you're like Xiao Qiao and Dong Bai but without being married to Zhou Yu AND being related to that fat fuck.
Deng Zhi
Xander
What? I'm not in a good mood already because I had a bad night last night! Don't get shitty because of what I said to your sister! I'm just letting off some steam.
Deng Zhi
Hinoka
What do you mean you don't have it?!
Deng Zhi
Leo
Tell your brother Xander not to go on a rampage over what I said to Elise
Deng Zhi
Yueying
So, how's photojournalism with Frank West?
Deng Zhi
Yueying
You wore his clothes? Hehehe! It would be cool with you dressing like Frank West because of how similar you two are!
Deng Zhi
Yueying
Oh. So, how Wilamette?
Deng Zhi
Yueying
You found some girl named Vicky Chu? Hmm...
Deng Zhi
Male Corrin
Isn't it just me or does Oboro, Takumi and Saizo think I'm from Nohr?
Deng Zhi
Male Corrin
I don't even know why... It's just a random occurrence to them.
Deng Zhi
Hinoka
Hinoka, you're in deep shit! Guan Yu's found out that you stole his Crescent Blade and he's making his way to you!
Deng Zhi
Hinoka
You didn't steal it? Then who did?
Deng Zhi
Hinoka
Are you fucking kidding me? It had to be Man Chong? Why does he have it?
Deng Zhi
Sun Deng
I don't think it's legal for you to marry Yinping and her father would say no to you so I can't help you.
Deng Zhi
Sun Quan
Quan, you should really consider of your daughter's offer. It looks like she's happy. Don't you fuck this up.
Deng Zhi
Kamui
When Dynasty Warriors 9 is released, I'll take you out on a date. Does that sound cool?
Deng Zhi
Kamui
Fuck what your siblings say. If it's your choice, then it's yours.
Deng Zhi
Camilla
What the hell?! Why do you think I'm seducing her?! You're a fucking idiot!
Deng Zhi
Xander
Camilla's being a fucking idiot. Oh wait... Besides Kamui and Leo, who I tolerate, everyone from Nohr are fucking idiots!
Deng Zhi
Ryoma
You want me to go and play Hooky? That's dangerous.
Deng Zhi
Kamui and Corrin
So Azura's coming here tomorrow? Well, let's give her a Warriors welcome!
Deng Zhi
Honoka
Since you're technically a Warriors character, how about you do it?
Deng Zhi
Naotora Li
So, how's living with Brad Wong and the Dead or Alive cast along with Mai Shiranui?
Deng Zhi
Ethan Winters
Well, I've never played Resident Evil before so welcome to the house of Dynasty and Samurai Warriors.
Deng Zhi
Ethan Winters
Forget what I said last time. But still, you're invited anytime. Just don't piss off a couple of people.
Deng Zhi
Ma Chao
When I count to three, you're should be gone from my room! In 1! 2! 3!
Deng Zhi
Zhuge Liang
Ow. He hit hard.
Deng Zhi
Ma Zhong
Why did you do that? You know she'll slap you back.
Deng Zhi
Sophitia
Your son's a very bad example of a protagonist in ever. I think you should try to get him to behave.
Deng Zhi
Sophitia
What? It's called brutal honesty. I'm sorry, though.
Deng Zhi
Pyrrha A.
Um, don't take this the wrong way, but what's wrong with your brother?
Deng Zhi
Pyrrha A.
That's a load of bullshit. Graf Dumas is Nightmare and Soul Calibur corrupted your mother. There. End of story.
Deng Zhi.
Kagero
Why do you look like a female Byakuya?
Deng Zhi
Ruby Rose
I've heard about Blazblue Cross Tag Battle's DLC announcement. I'm not happy so let's hope it'll be worth it. Because I still want to play it.
Deng Zhi
Ruby Rose
So, do you want to hang out with me? If your uncle and sister agree, that is.
Deng Zhi
Guan Yinping
How did you get stuck in Rook Island?! Just how?!
Deng Zhi
Guan Yinping
Liza invited you because it was fun. Do you realize that it was the same island that Vaas killed those people?
Deng Zhi
Guan Yinping
So now you're Jason Brody. Ok. Hold my beer.
Deng Zhi
Guan Yi
Your sister is in Rook Island, acting like Jason Brody. Can you get her out, please?
Deng Zhi
Zhou Cang
Man Chong's got your master's weapon for studying purposes.
Deng Zhi
Zhou Cang
Don't ask me how he got it. What I know is Hinoka dropped it. That is all.
Deng Zhi
Zhen Ji
I won't go in your pants. Cao Pi's your husband. Why don't you do that to him?
Deng Zhi
Zhen Ji
He's on vacation? Didn't see that coming.
Deng Zhi
Zhao Yun
Why do you assume that I'm a chick magnet?
Deng Zhi
Zhao Yun
Oh. Right. I forgot I'm nice to people.
Deng Zhi
Zhao Yun
I got a couple of girls from other universes, saying that they love me. Like how?
Deng Zhi
Zhao Yun
Let me read the names. Ahem! They are Ruby Rose, Miyuki Shiba, Asuka Kazama, Makoto Nanaya, and others I can't read out.
Deng Zhi
Sakura
Ok. I think I can help you with your problem
Deng Zhi
Sakura
So I have to dress up as a rapper and do what, now?
Deng Zhi
Sakura
That's a little too extreme, but I'll do it.
Deng Zhi
Fan Yufeng
Don't worry about Shangxiang. She's being jealous that you're married to Zhao Yun. That is all.
Deng Zhi
Sun Shangxiang
No. I'm not going to kidnap Zhao Yun for your own benefit.
Deng Zhi
Sun Quan
You seriously need to know that your sister is going Yandere on Zhao Yun and we all know what happens when she is like that.
Deng Zhi
Zhao Yun
You should run. Shangxiang is out for your blood.
Deng Zhi
Zhao Yun
Don't blame me! Blame on someone else!
Deng Zhi
Zhao Yun
I heard that. Also, Shangxiang's here in your room so good luck.
Deng Zhi
Ok! End scene! Alright, this is my first Answer Letters fanfic! This is rather short, but I promise you more hilarity and random moments as Deng Zhi continues to read letters from the Multiverse!
