Detox and Relapse
Early March emerged silently, melting the reminder of the snow yet still providing some of the winter chills.
Ciel and his companion enjoy a ride coming back toward the manor.
For the last week, the Earl had been tailing a suspect for her majesty the Queen's latest mission, with it finally being wrapped up the day before. They were heading back from the journey to Buckingham Palace to place his report about the events that had taken place.
It was a quiet Saturday afternoon, with a warm day presenting itself with a rather cold breeze.
The young one sat across from his companion as usual, rather silent and not interested in a conversation.
Sebastian sat across from him, enduring the silence.
For about a week or so, Sebastian had decided to hold back on showing Ciel his love for him. Cute passive gestures were no longer given, not even as much as a peck on the nose.
Though it ate him alive not to kiss his love's soft lips and become intimate, he felt as if it were the only way to make his young lover appreciate his presence and maybe even not so scared of the change between them.
The carriage rocks and bumps, yet not a word is spoken in between them.
Ciel, on the other hand, felt this default in romance from his companion, and had wondered why.
Elizabeth hadn't come to visit and nothing had changed in routine. Yet, Sebastian refused to embrace him like he once did. It was almost as if he was no longer interested.
"Has he grown tired of me already?" the young one thinks to himself as he looks across him to his demon butler, "Am I slowly being disregarded after giving him what he wanted? My purity?"
These thoughts flustered in the young teens head frequently while they slowly arrived to the estate.
He retired to his study as always, with Sebastian walking around the manor to make sure the daily chores were executed.
The young Earl of Phantomhive pulled out his trusty chess set; he needed to work his mind. He found himself rather depressed now that his love no longer caressed his face or grace his room the same way he did.
He didn't want to ask about the matter; for in a way, he liked it.
He appreciated the space, it almost felt as if nothing had changed. But he knew deep down, that wasn't true.
That night filled with passion and physical attraction happened, not matter how much he wanted to distance himself. It was frequently hard for him not to have the demon's name slip from his tongue late at night, requesting him to hold him while he slept throughout the darkness.
They went about their day as if nothing happened, yet their intimate encounters play over and over in the back of their minds.
Ciel commences his personal chess game, thinking about different strategies and moves he could accomplish with less time.
His record had always been about ten minutes, give or take a minute or two.
He swayed his fingertips over the top of his pawns, tempting to begin his concur with those pieces. Though even in a strategic game such as this one, he could take his mind off of how he felt.
Why was he being ignored? He spends countless nights, remembering that passion repeatedly; how his lips parted, expressing such ecstasy into the atmosphere, how his touch electrified every inch of his being.
"Is this how it feels to be in love?" he asks himself as he finally starts his game, "Is this how Lizzie feels for me?"
Sebastian walks into the study, ready to present the day's dinner menu.
"Young master…" he speaks, pushing the door open and entering, "Dinner has been prepared and served. Are you coming down?"
Ciel remains silent for a moment.
The question of his emotional absence lingers on his tongue, as if it were to jump out at him. Yet, he says nothing.
He had become frustrated; he wanted to be smothered.
In a small way, it satisfied him; providing countless shelter to those lonely nights he wished were filled by his family members.
"Young master…"
The young one snaps out of his daze and looks at his butler with confused eyes.
"Wha..?! Oh…yes," he stutters, trying to get his mind together, "I'll come down." Sebastian smiles and bows toward him.
"Very good, my lord," he addressed, "I shall prepare the dining area immediately."
He steps out of the study, while Ciel's tongue covers his questions with pride. The butler strolls down the hallway, his heart sinking into the pit of his stomach.
"I guess he truly has grown uncomfortable with me," he thinks to himself as his smile slowly disappears, "Just when I thought he had given up on trying to fight me on this. I shall simply play his game until he is ready."
He felt as if this were the months leading into Christmas all over again. As if he were reliving having to hide his feelings and coop with his pain.
His throat slightly closed, as if it was trapping the words from escaping his mouth.
Had he done something wrong?
Perhaps after that passionate night, he figured this wasn't something he wanted to experience.
Had he not been ready, though he made his own choice? Or maybe it's all too traumatizing to swallow all at once.
Dinner was presented on time.
Ciel slowly walked down the stairs wondering if there was something he had done.
He constantly went over all of his options, considering all the possible conclusions.
As he walked into the dining area, he could see Sebastian holding out his chair as he always did. The smell of pork, vegetables and wine filled his nose but did not appeal to it.
For he wished to have his companion's scent fill his nostrils.
He seated his bottom on the seat pillow and was pushed close to the table completely.
Still, he continued to let pride choke his words.
Why not ask—didn't he want to know?
His dinner sat before him and he enjoyed it as he usually did, but without a word spoken. Sebastian couldn't stand the silence and proceeded back into the kitchen.
That's all today was—silence.
As if their fears overshadowed their thoughts and would rather endure it than try their best to change it.
After dinner, Ciel beckons Sebastian to run a bath; it had been the first time he had requested anything from him.
But this time, he asked for time alone.
Once the door was closed and silence once again filled the room, he let his pain filled tears flow.
He hadn't known what it felt like to love someone like this or at least, not be able to get them off his mind.
Then to just have it ripped away in a sense—it was hard to handle.
Though they lived in the same space and procedures hadn't changed, it seemed if the two were on different planets when it came to their emotions.
He silently wept with his wet hands covering his face.
"I don't deserve to be loved," he thought constantly as his emotional state took over.
He flashes back to the time in the cage, seconds before he summoned Sebastian.
Why had he been chosen in the first place? Because he was only worth being captured and auctioned off like an animal?
Sebastian silently listens to his love weeping, wishing he would tell him what was going on.
"Why do you hide from me, Ciel?" he thinks to himself while staring at the oak door in front of him, "Are you not ready to love me?"
"Goodnight, my lord."
Gently, Sebastian closes the door to his bedroom.
And though the moon rose higher and the owls sing their nightly song, Ciel hadn't closed his eyes.
Since Sebastian had left his side, the nightmares had gotten worse. Every night, he finds himself back in the cage, constantly struggling to get out.
He calls his demon's name, yet once he arrives, he stands about with the others, laughing at the young, bruised animal that sat in front of him.
"I can't go through this another night."
Wrapping a small blanket around him, he travels down the hallway.
The chill from the night air massages his skin as he walks down the stairs. Heading down the basement, he holds onto the ledge.
"I don't want to be alone."
Finally, he arrives at his destination and nervously, knocks on the door.
There is a rumble on the other side, jingle of the door knob, and then, the door opens.
"Yes?"a voice calls out, recognizing his face soon after, "Oh…it's you, young master."
Sebastian pulls the door fully open, his nightclothes lit from the moonlight behind.
"I-I couldn't sleep," the young teen speaks, with his puppy dog eyes begging to be caressed.
Sebastian smiles, loving the sight of him at his door.
"Come in." Ciel steps forward and the demon closes the door behind him. "Did you have a nightmare?" he asked, turning toward his master.
"No, not tonight," the young one answers, "I haven't been asleep at all. I'm afraid of having one."
"Shall I make you something to ease your sleeping…?"
The young lord remains silent for a moment, playing with his thumbs, pondering his thoughts.
"Why do you ignore me?"
Sebastian's eyes widen slightly.
"Finally, he wants to talk. But, at such an hour."
Ciel looks down at his feet with his crimson cheeks, embarrassed that he said anything at all.
"Why do you feel I ignore you, young master?" he asked, "Did I not do something to make it seem that way?"
"You're not doing anything you used to," he exclaimed, "It's like all you wanted was to deflower me."
Sebastian's heart jumped; how could he think of such a thing to say? Had he truly thought that's all he wanted?
"Young master…"
"Don't call me that!"
He stares at the demon before him, his fist balled and frustration in his tone of voice.
"Say my name…"
Sebastian calms his shocked expression and smiles, walking closer toward him. He takes his chin in hand and pushes it upward, revealing tears running down his face.
The moonlight filling his eyes, showing the sorrow that hid within.
"Ciel…"
The young one slowly becomes hysterical, unable to control his emotion as he wraps his arms around him.
Sebastian accepts this warm embrace, feeling the essence of his love all over. He looks down at his bluenette hair, and listens as he weeps aloud.
"Ciel…I thought you wanted your space," his butler pondered, "It seemed like when I slept next to you, you would get up and sleep in a chair or somewhere else. And I sure wouldn't want you to sacrifice your comfort just for me to remain asleep. So, I've slept in my bed to make sure you are comfortable, though I cannot rest."
He looks up at him, his tears and snot covering Sebastian's night shirt.
"I thought I did," he says, his words full of despair, "I thought I wanted to be alone! I don't know how to handle of this. That night plays over and over in my head and I get nervous. I can't…"
He stops speaking.
His words become slurred globs of wet substance all over his shirt and it seemed like there was no end in sight.
He hadn't broken down like this since the time in the kitchen and he found it somewhat embarrassing.
Sebastian slowly strokes his hair, trying to ease the young one's mind, not trying to have him speak at all. Eventually, he calmed his breathing and sniffled.
Sebastian chuckled after trying his best to hold it in.
Ciel looks up at him with his puffy eyes and red cheeks.
"Young mas…"
He catches himself, remembering that he was asked not to address him as such. He slightly giggles.
"…Ciel…I hate the way your face looks," he said with a smile, "It tears me apart. You look like an innocent little girl."
"Shut up!"
His voice broken as he buries his face in his companion's chest.
"Please don't cry," he said again, stroking his hair even more, "I was just giving you some space. A sudden change like this over a period of time can be very difficult to become accustom to."
Even with his love's pain echoing throughout the room, the butler never lost his charm.
He had faith that everything would be alright, that the young one's mind would no longer be full of concern.
The young one lets go and sits on the bed.
Sebastian stoops down in front of him, taking his sleeve and wiping his physical sorrow away.
"I love you, Ciel…"
Ciel's swollen face lifted toward him, staring in his love's scarlet lit eyes, like torches lighting his way.
A slight tingling sensation dances down his spine at the sound of his name being called, as if to reassure him he was talking to no one else, though it was only him who were in the room.
"That does not change, even if I do not show it daily," he reassured him, "Yet, since you insist you are ready, I shall produce my love every day, so that you never forget."
Ciel slightly smiles, loving this promise that parts his lips.
"S-So…you didn't want to just deflower me as if I was a chore?" he asked.
Sebastian uses his thumb and wipes away his remaining tears.
"Never," he answered, "Deflowering you was part of the fun that I plan to endure with you. But…only when you ask of me or when you piss me off of course, as punishment."
Ciel looked away from him, his cheeks red from the thought of intimacy.
His love grabs a hold of his chin and pulls him close.
"I will not stop loving you…even after I have devoured your soul…"
He slowly kisses the young teen's soft pink lips, trembling with his emotions.
Ciel wraps his hands around him, embracing this gesture. He had missed him—missed his touch, his sensual presence, his lovely gestures. He had missed him in his bed, missed not having the nightmares.
Sebastian climbs into bed next to the young one and opened his arms.
Ciel, smiling from the look of his charismatic glow in darkness, lowers himself toward him and kisses him passionately.
It felt as if it had been so long since he had been in his arms.
Ciel snuggles his head under the demon's chin and gets comfortable on his chest—his favorite sleeping spot.
The demon's heart plays a lullaby as Ciel, exhausted from his constant flow of misery, drifts to sleep; his skin cold from the night's chilling touch.
Sebastian gently drapes his comforters over them, and holds his love tightly in his arms. He slightly grins as the moon rises higher, filling the room with almost complete moonlight.
Though in a way he had missed the way they made love—how his body presented itself, how it called for him, begging to be tamed—having him in his arms was just as good if not better.
"Goodnight, my love…" he slowly whispers in his ear as he closes his eyes and lets sleep begin to take over, "May my heart cradle you through your dreams on this night."
