Meet Resistance

Dr. Hanson's office – Appointment #2

Washington, DC

January 14th, 2004 - noon


Ice. Wind. One drag left before he would have to move towards the nearby steps with Shane's assistance. She'd offered to bring him today on account of getting to hopefully see Lily again, the past mere moments away for both of them. Feeling a tug at the upper arm of his jacket, his boots shuffled forward beside his sister, the cigarette falling into a bank of snow with a sizzle he could see in his mind based on the sound. "Do I even have to mention what today is?"

"I'd rather you pretend to be ignorant for once and rid the thought of your mind…"

Shane laughed as they walked inside to the warmth of the waiting room. "Oh come on…it's perfect. Just pull all that weird, natural charm crap on her."

"Shut up…" He begged, falling into a chair nearby the doorway, trying his damndest to listen for Allie's footsteps, her voice, a touch of her hand to lead him away perhaps. But there was nothing, only Shane's insistence on the situation at hand. "Don't you remember how close you guys used to be, god, you all made me sick."

"You do realize that was ten fucking years ago."

"It was not…it was eight years ago."

"Huge difference there, Shy."

"Just talk to her, I bet she still wants to--" His sisters aggravating advice was interrupted by the entrance of someone with a clipboard, and then the sound of his name, "Agent Sands?"

"That's him!" Yeah…that's me for God's sake. "Great, Dr. Hanson is ready to see you." Wonderful…I thought, she can watch me squirm while I listen to her breathing. Shane was staying in the waiting room with her book and iPod he guessed, and so Sands allowed the office aid to walk him through to the back. He still had very little interest in using a cane, there was in fact no chance in hell he'd let them give me one. In his mind, he'd rather run into a bus then use a stick to find his house. Ah, getting hit by a bus. Sounds amazing right now.

The walk was longer than he remembered it, probably set in by nerves, but it was only a matter of time before he heard a second door open in front of his boots, then felt the cool wood of the doorway, and recognized the reverence of her voice, this was her midday voice, it was still the same only matured. "Agent Sands, good to see you again."

"Baby…you're here!" The memories were flooding back in, she used to sound sweeter in midday, not so professional, "…sweetie…you're here finally!" Not Agent Sands, and certainly no 'good to see you's'. Her hand soon found his, icy skin meeting the warmth of her palm, itching to pull away but not wanting to startle anything yet, he only focused on taking a seat, getting comfortable, fighting off the resistance to move, to think. When he finally heard her leather chair soften with the mold of her body, he coughed and smiled in her direction, scrunching his nose to bring his glasses up further. "So…" she began normally, as if her name and his had never once met in the past before, "How are you feeling today?"

"Does horny count?"

Lily tried to collect her mind, biting her bottom lip and moving to find a pen. She needed something to steady her anxious energy, her shaking knee in his presence. "I think I'd have to refer you to someone else for that region. I meant…your overall mood, how are you?"

"Confused."

"That works…what are you confused about?" Here it was, the opportunity presented, the truest of moments to speak his mind, but did he? Hell no, not quite yet. Instead he tugged at his jacket and white shirt underneath, twisted his boots together comfortably, and scratched his chin. "I'm confused about…" crack of knuckles, wobble of knee and a conclusion, "well, I'm confused about why the Patriots lost last night."

"You watched the game?"

"I'm blind doc."

"So you listened,"

"Uh yeah. Figure I might as well use the heightened sense for something constructive." He replied sarcastically, never realizing the smile crossing her lips at the same moment. "See…I can't figure out why Brady thought it would be fun to run for a touchdown with sixteen fucking seconds on the clock…when the team was down by three?"

She quickly got caught up in Sands again, her mind returning to a state of being sixteen, and just on the coattails of his energy, his liveliness, his basis in her life at that point. "Yeah, tell me about it. I couldn't believe he let that one get away…Bruschi could have taken it!"

"Jesus I know…it baffled the hell out of me." Coming down from his alternative high, and the pure justification he had hoped for, he settled into the chair again with a light chuckle, a grin and the gift of hearing her sigh in tormented laughter. It was all the proof he needed to know it was her, still. He only wondered why it was she hadn't made a single move to try to explain herself, bring the two of them into a reunion, instead of this game of doctor and patient, cat and blind mouse. It was almost as if she didn't want to go back, as if she'd taken his case at the request of her supervisor, not because of the name on the paper. Because he didn't know what the truth was, he had to continue the act of ignorance. "I would have never taken you for a football fan, doc Hollywood."

"Because I'm a woman?"

"No. Because you're a psychologist." At this he heard the sound of her slacking laugh, while Lily noted his curious humor, wondering when the wall would be torn down and they could finally see each other, really see and understand one another again. She wanted to make the first move, but didn't know how. The term 'awkward' was too mute a description for this meeting of the minds.

"Well then, I guess that means I should be doing my job."

"Or you could put the pen down and we could talk about the Red Sox too…" he offered up with a contagious grin, a lean towards her voice, her desk. "I think we should just stick with the appropriate questions, Agent Sands." Formalities, he hated them, and now it only sounded ridiculous.

"Do you?"

"Yes."

"Alright, I'll make a deal with you…" she didn't like where this was headed, but almost felt a strange memory surfacing, a dozen in fact, one right after the other as he moved in further towards her desk, his cheekbones motioning in a smile wide enough to knock his aviators off balance. "…you can ask me anything you want, as long as you quit this 'Agent Sands' shit…call me what you used to…Tiger Lily." With a twitch of his nose and a pulse of her heart beating wildly against her collarbone, she sat looking at him, unsure of what exactly to say next. He remembered, Tiger Lily, his own finding and pronouncing upon their very first date. "You do remember…what you used to call me. Don't you?"

She paused, knowing full well what it was he wished to hear, the name she'd bitten her tongue on for a week, that tag he'd been given all those years ago. I can't do it…don't do it Lillian, he's screwing with your head. Just be professional, help him, and send him along. No need to raise the past today…especially the wrong day for that.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"You sure about that?"

"Yes…" she responded hesitantly, tapping her pen still on the paper.

"That's a shame Lily," He began, standing up from his chair much the same as he had on his first appointment, brushing past her desk. By the time he made it towards the general direction of door by footsteps alone, he turned back around to face her with a short grin, "But in any case…I guess it's only fair for me to wish you a happy birthday, huh?"

Lily dropped the pen she was holding in shock, her eyes stricken as they looked back up towards him, her lips quivering almost. She didn't say anything, but the silence was broken soon enough by him again, "Twenty nine right?"

"Y-you…remembered?" She offered as she stood up from her chair, brushing down her shirt nervously and walking around from behind the desk to reach the open space in the office between the sofa and door. Sands didn't know what color her hair was now, or if her skin was pale from the ghostly winter churning outside, or even if she was the same height, but he could smell her body as it moved, and by scent, he imagined her to still be his Lily. The one who used to blast REO Speed Wagon in his car, just because he hated them. The girl who would rather have a picnic in the snow than wait another six months for summer. The one who told him she loved him, even before he had learned to love himself. Stuck in a daze as she came closer, her heels pattering on the thick rug of her office, he thought about all of the things he could do to remind her of that girl, to tell her he still knew, and that no matter the time that had passed or the tragedy that had come between them, he was still just Jeff. Even though he feared, the Agency had convinced her otherwise.

"Well kid…there's a lot of stuff I don't remember. Like how to do long division, but, I remember January 14th… more than I should actually." Lily was smiling, the closest thing she could manage at least without crying, and the sound of him calling her kid all these years later, something that used to drive her crazy, now seemed so right. When she noticed him wobbling against his right leg to stand upright, she remembered in his file something about a gunshot wound to his upper thigh, still not fully healed apparently. Reaching her hand out to balance him with a grip on his arm, he grunted with the pain and breathed heavily. "Why don't you use a cane?"

The question was simple, but it hit him hard, that returned idea of him hobbling about with a stick like an old man. Because it was her though, he noticed how he let it instantly slide and only patiently responded, "Pills work better and make me look younger."

"You don't look so young to me." Even without seeing the smirk crawling across her face, he heard the sarcasm in her voice and winced with laughter as she helped him back towards the couch. "Just sit down, we're not done yet."

"Still wanna play doctor, huh? I guess I can't complain about that…" trying to ignore his antics, she reached into the front drawer of her desk to grab a sample dose of Tramadol and her bottle of water. Sitting down comfortably next to him, she opened the package and dropped two small greens pills into his hand, a color he didn't care about, and waited for him to drop them into his mouth before handing him the water. "That should help for now." Swallowing the meds roughly, he coughed once and then smiled at her in thanks. Nothing was said for a matter of seconds as they collected their thoughts, a few memories whirling around in the air between them, but mostly breathing and more grinning, until Sands could think of no other way to break it again.

"Have plans for your birthday?"

"Why?" The conversation began quickly, both of them matching each other for wit, precision in response. This was how Lily and Sands had always been.

"Seems too important a day not to celebrate."

"Maybe so, I'm going out to dinner."

"What's his name?" He darted back as he relaxed into the couch, Lily's mouth only twisting as her eyes rolled. "It's not a he."

"Ohh…" Sitting up with perked interest and a kinky grin he moved closer, "Now I know why we didn't last."

"God, you're still just as sick. I meant my mom, she's flying in today."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Really." He could sense her humor, her liveliness, and her joy in having expressed the visit of her mother, the woman Sands had known Lily to always have been close to. He loved this about her for whatever reason, perhaps because his mother had died when he was so young, or because he and his father never had such a relationship. Lillian and her mother Debbie had always warmed his heart when he was younger, and even now thinking about it. A warming sensation that very little could ever bring to him, and very little ever would for that matter.

The two of them sat relatively close, sharing minor details on Sands condition, only shortly discussing what had happened in Mexico, nothing about his wrong doings, and especially nothing about Ajedrez. Lily didn't need to know about her. She never needed to know as he saw it. So instead they talked about the RedSox as he had first offered, and discussed what the weather would be like on the Cape this time of year, weather they knew all too well. But nothing reached a more personal level than what they were comfortable with, and when the hour was finally up, Janie came back to the office to find Sands and the reunion met another accord between the two young women. They embraced immediately, having been just as close as any when they were in school, when their brothers were as tightly bound as they were.

"My god, you look amazing!" Shane pronounced as Lily returned with the same compliments, both of them curious over hair colors, outfits, shades of lipstick, all of this while Sands leaned against the doorway gnawing on his gums and trying to smile. Just hearing her voice so proliferated, so full of life was enough for him, and he didn't care if she was talking about shoes or prescriptions, it was what he needed. Eventually though they had caught up enough to return the conversation full circle to include him, and he couldn't help but to remain his loveable, sarcastic self for at least one more round.

"So how's my big brother doing…?" Shane asked as she squeezed his cheek and Sands slapped her hand away by touch and the sound of its movement through air. Lily laughed and tried to pry her eyes off of him, never noticing how hooked they had become. "He did well today, we talked more."

"Used to be a time I couldn't get the two of you to shut the hell up." This broken an awkward and obvious silence across the three of them, until Shane continued with her usual antics. "Right…well, guess you probably want to go home…big day and all."

"Oh, um yeah." She tried, brushing her eyes away from Sands to catch her balance on heels again, "I've gotta pick my mom up from the airport soon."

"Right, well it was great to see you Lil…" Shane leaned in and shared another hug, insisting that the two of them have lunch or go out one night, to which Lily agreed smiling while Janie moved back out of the office to give the other two a moment of space. Sands pushed himself from the doorway panel, a smug grin on his face as he stood a good foot and a half above where he could hear her breathing. Not much had changed; she was still just under his chin, a place he liked her at, a placed that comforted him with memories. Neither one of them knew how to end the meeting, and only waited for the other, without hope. It was Sands though, as it usually had been between them, who tore down the barrier, and gave his last input. "Next Tuesday, right?"

"Next Tuesday."

"Okay. Don't let Deb fuck you up too much tonight. No more than two margaritas…" she laughed while pushing him out of the doorway towards Shane again. "Tuesday!" he yelled through the waiting room, back in the direction he knew she was standing. "Tuesday!" When he was eventually through the large door again and out of sight, Lily turned around to grab her purse from her office, leaning against the door as she shut it. Her mind was spinning over what had become of everything, the hour they had spent as Lily and Sands, not Dr. Hanson and Agent Sheldon. It had been refreshing to find herself back at the mercy of his entertainment, of his smile, of his presence, and as she leaned on the door, breathing anxiously, she only wished she could see his eyes. Knowing they were gone and that this would never be again, she only breathed once more and with a smile granted his wish, "Tuesday…Sparky."