Sweet adrift

Chatham Bay, Massachusetts – April 1993

Stage Harbor Lighthouse

The surf was crystallized against the sand; the sun was fading out further and further from shore and a flickering glow began to light the outer Chatham banks. It was a Wednesday and Lily had skipped school without a care in the world. Jeff had driven down from Boston the night before after finishing his last exams. And as they sat wound together in an ancient blanket, the snowy sand covering their feet, his legs forming the barrier to shield her body from anything and everything, neither of them could believe that it had only been eight short months before that Tommy had introduced them over dinner.

"Jeff, man…this is my sister, Lily." He'd laughed with a palm directed to each of their shoulders as they shook hands in the middle of the kitchen. "Lily, Tom talks about you all the time."

"He better…I'm the coolest person he knows."

"I don't doubt that one bit." His smile had been so magnetic, like it was drawing her directly into his warmth. Tom had told her all about Jeff, but forgotten to mention the one thing that mattered to any seventeen year old girl; that he would be the hottest guy she'd ever met.

Lily had never really understood what had made Sheldon want to be with her, when he could clearly have any one of the college girls chasing after him. What did he want with the baby sister of his best friend, a high school Junior nonetheless? She was so ordinary, so plain compared to the older girls Tommy had brought home, their chests bronzed and flirty, short skirts, long, shiny blonde hair. Lily was the complete opposite, with her thin, boyish figure, tangled brown curls, and makeup free cheeks and lips. She was just a kid.

Jeff tucked his nose between her shoulder and chin, moving his lips to the warm skin at her neck, kissing lightly, leaving a wet trail when he pulled back at her giggling. She was nothing like the Boston women he'd come to be acquainted with, no jeweled clothes or heavy eyelashes, no exposed breasts or three inch heels. Lily was as basic as a girl from the Cape could come, she was the epitome of the girl next door, and it was that he loved most about her, whether she knew it or not. The way her dark curls sat tucked beneath his beaten old Red Sox cap, the seashell shade of her toes as they buried themselves into the outer edge of their earlier built sandcastle, and how her body fit so perfectly inside his arms, not so curved, not so soft, just right.

"Hey Lil…"

"Yeah?"

"What'd you say…when you're out of school next month, we take a trip up to New York?" His question made her smile into the wool blanket where it met the crook of his elbow. She'd wanted to visit New York for years, had mentioned to him numerous times how much she wished she could go, and now here he was offering it. Lily didn't know what to say, part of her thought it was a joke and she spun around in his legs to face him. His eyes were honest enough, but Jeff always had such a sly way about him; he was a good liar when he wanted to be.

"You're lying." She stated without wavering her gaze.

"No…" He laughed, "I'm serious, let's go."

"Even if you were telling the truth…you know my mom would never let me take off alone, with you…"

"Your mom loves me."

"That doesn't mean she wants you loving me…alone." With a chuckle he agreed to disagree with her, and wiped the palm of his hand down her face to brush away the sand that had tickled her nose and lips. And with a sinister grin and a tightening of his thighs around her he replied obviously, "That's what Tommy's for, kid."


It was the force of a thousand sounds, a dozen images of past, present, future that startled Sands awake. In the back of his mind he could hear her, "You're lying…I don't believe you…"

When he came awake finally, there was a spark glittering against his eyelids, the soft tissue still healing from the surgery, like a bolt of lightning in a black sky. And then it was over and he was sitting up on his elbows somewhere, half stretched out, on a couch maybe. There were a few pillows behind him, a blanket of some kind covering his legs, toes hanging out on the wood floor. He didn't remember making it to the couch, or to his apartment for that matter, but here he was. At least he hoped it was his place.

"Finally, I thought you died." It was Shane, coming around the back of the couch, stepping in closer with the sound of a fork clanking against porcelain. "You hungry?" He still wasn't even sure if it was his apartment or hers, what day it was, or night, and especially why it was his head hurt so bad. The last thing he did remember was sand, water, the lighthouse casting out over the distant beach, wherever that beach was. Lily was there, but younger, happier. And he could see her, which meant he was younger too, from years gone away now. Instead all that was left was an odd shifting of Shane's body near his as he sat up further, praying for aspirin and catching the distinct whiff of Chinese takeout.

"What time is it?" He asked groggily, dragging his fingers through the mess of hair in his face, and only quickly rubbing his weak sex through his boxers as Shane rolled her eyes. "It's time for you to stop scratching your balls on my couch."

"I thought that's where I was…smelled like your place."

"Clean, you mean?"

When he didn't answer her sarcasm, she dropped a plate of food in his hands and assured him he'd already slept well into the night, 11:35. She also explained that because he had passed out in her car that she just as well figured to bring him to her apartment for the night since they had to go into headquarters' together the next morning anyway. Shane for a staff meeting, and Sands…for his last walk. This pained Shane as much as it did him, her own brother, and the best goddamn field agent to hit the CIA in forty years, pushed aside. They'd done all they could for him, and it wasn't enough, he still had to lose his job, everything he knew, everything he was good at. Since they were kids, Jeff had taken care of her, kept her out of trouble, and even saved her from the imminent danger of home all those years ago. And now, Shane could hardly accept the thought that the tables had turned on them, and she would be the one taking care of him, at least, if he would let her at all.

"How's the food?"

"G-good…" He stuttered with a full mouth, dropping rice on his shirt. Shane laughed and turned the TV on from across the room, noticing him pushing the eggroll around his plate, something she'd placed there on purpose. He hated them, and in a test to see how he would react blindly to it, he'd thus succeeded. "What the fuck did you give me an eggroll for?" He finally proclaimed, pushing it off the plate and to the coffee table where he felt a Styrofoam box. Sands was still himself, no matter the darkness of his world, no matter his shield from life around him. This at least, brought her some comfort, and as she buried herself into the thick leather couch beside him again, nibbling off of his plate without him knowing, she almost felt like a kid again. The two of them up late in some random hotel room, in some random city, alone, bored, watching David Letterman and snacking on whatever room service could offer them.

Sands listened to Dave's voice and laughed along, trying to picture Angelina Jolie's face, her breasts, and her lips, despite the lack of vision. It would be like this forever, just the same, nothing but his own intelligence, his own memory to go on. One day Angelina Jolie would be older. One day Janie would be older. One day Lily would be, and he would still only see her as the twenty-one year old girl with a teardrop on each cheek, a red rose in her hand, and black heels stepping into a pile of snow at the highest hill of the Chatham cemetery. Even now, though her voice had grown cheerier over the last eight years, he couldn't discern it, he couldn't picture her. Would she still look just as adorable in his old hat? Would she still fit in his arms the same? Did she really not remember his nickname…?


"Honey, what's wrong? Is the food ok?" Lily sat across from her mom in an upscale Asian restaurant in the city, probing and poking at everything, her eggroll in particular. She wasn't as hungry as she thought she had been, and although the company of her mom was comforting after almost two months of being away from home, there was so much on her mind she wanted to talk about, but she wasn't even sure how to start. Her mom had adored Jeff for so many years, something about his dark humor and wild ways intrigued her mother, made her laugh when both Lily and Tom had thought it wasn't possible.

"It's fine mom, I just…I don't know, I have this new patient. It's bugging me."

"Really? That's not like you to get so attached…is it serious?" As another mouthful of food came to her mom's lips, Lillian looked up from her plate with a gawking stare, a pressured thought, the image of a smile.

"Yeah. Yeah mom, it's really serious."

"Well, I know you doctors have all those confidentiality papers, but you can talk about it if you need to, sweetheart."

"Yeah." She replied simply, dropping her chopsticks and reaching out to take hold of her third glass of dinner wine for the evening. While her lips sat still on the edge of the glass, the tangy liquid sliding down her throat, she thought about the best approach to the topic, how to bring it up after so many years, how to say his name again to her mom. She couldn't even begin to imagine what the reaction would be, and feared this above all else. But in the end, as her glass came back to settle on the table, and her eyes drew glazed with a haze of conscious memory, she decided to jump in head first. "Do you remember Jeff Sands, mom?"

"Jeffery, of course I do. You and Tommy were so close to him, how could you think I'd forget?"

"Well…" She started, tapping her chopsticks nervously on the side of her plate, "I'm sort of…his new doctor."

"What? You're kidding…since when?"

"Since…last Tuesday." She returned mockingly.

"My god, Lily. Why didn't you tell me?"

"I don't know."

"Well, how is he? I mean…why does he need to see you? Jeffery was always such a healthy boy. Charming…"

"He's still healthy, he's just…" When Lily stopped abruptly at the response her mother began to fidget with nerves, knowing it was something almost too difficult for her daughter to admit to. Whatever it was. "He's just what?"

"Jeff h-had, an accident. In Mexico."

"Mexico, why there?"

"He was on a case. He works for the Agency."

"He does? I thought he was still working in Boston, with the D.A?"

"No. He's been a field agent for the CIA about seven years now."

"You knew that and didn't see him?"

"I couldn't mom, I just…" The need for conversation was still strong, but the wary tension growing between their minds was nearly too much to continue bearing. "I couldn't see him again, not after…Tommy." Debbie didn't like where any of this was going, it was all too familiar, all too already lived.

"What happened to him Lillian?"

One more pause, and it finally came.

"He's…blind."


Nantucket sound, Cape Cod

June 2nd, 1993

"Lily hurry up…Shane, get the radio!"

The sound of the calls down the dock filled her senses, between sails and boats in the summer sky of the early morning, Shane and her boyfriend Joe running around with towels, coolers, all sorts of things, while Tommy and his 'friend' Katy goofed around with the rigging and a bottle of wine. And then there was Jeff, who was ordering everyone around. He was good at that, even then. Because his dad didn't know they were taking the sailing yacht out of the Cape, they had to get to the docks early before the sailing General came to open up. But scatter brained and bubble toed, he managed to get back to the Hanson family station wagon to find Lily trying to pull the fishing poles out without damaging them. He smiled as he watched her from behind, cursing under her breath, the loose cotton of her nautical shorts dancing in the misty breeze, and her hair blowing against her sweater. Coming up to her, he wrapped one arm around her waist and let the other straddle her own arm until he could take hold of her hand and the poles.

"Let me help you, baby."

Lily smiled without having realized he was ever behind her, feeling his breath warm her shaking bones, and the tightness of his jeans against her backside, enticing, tempting her to do something for the very first time. She already knew she wanted Jeff to be the one, she'd known for months, and a small part of her had begun to wonder if this trip to New York would be the perfect chance for it to happen. The feeling of his strong arms around her, the way he always protected her even when he wasn't trying, the way he carried her away to places she had never been with any other boy, and he was a man. Twenty-two to match her now eighteen years, but it didn't make a single difference to either of them. He was home for the summer, and she intended on proving to him just how much he had come to mean to her over the last year, just how grown up Tommy's little sister could be for him.

"You're so cold…" he whispered into her ear as the fishing lines fell against the back of the car, and he turned her around to face him. "How are we gonna change that?" Without telling him, Lily knew it had already been changed, with a single stroke of his lips against the back of her ear, his tongue flicking at the tender skin, striking down the cold with heat upon heat from inside of him. Subconsciously, she felt her fingers tuck into the front rim of his jeans, pulling his body further towards her, almost asking for it. But with a sweet kiss on the lips he leaned away with a snug grin, and took hold of the fishing poles, "Careful Tiger Lily…or you'll ruin your surprise."

"What surprise?"

"You'll see." He smiled and turned away, shouting back, "Hurry up, grab your shit!"

After getting her backpack out of the backseat and locking her mom's car for the week, she zipped her jacket tighter, and twirled her pink scarf around her neck twice more while running down the docks to the breathtaking sailboat, the one Jeff swore they would have back before Congressman Sands even knew it was missing. Shane though, was the only one besides Sheldon that didn't truthfully care if they did or not, and as Joe helped her aboard, Tommy lifted Lily over as well and hopped on himself. It would take five minutes to sail out of port, or so Jeff swore on that too.

"Alright let's get this fucker out of here." Katy and Tommy howled in agreement loudly for the effect it caused their already rattled, beer induced heads from the night before. Jeff shooed Shane off to work on the anchor, while he moved to the wheel, and brushing past where Lily sat in the middle of the yacht, he pulled his hat from his head and tugged it down onto hers with a loving grin, "Hold onto this for me, kiddo." It smelled, but she didn't care. It was his favorite, his lucky hat. And as she watched him maneuver the vessel through the rocky green port waters and out onto the foggy Cod Bay, she noticed herself having thoughts for the very first time about spending the rest of her life with him. She couldn't figure out why, or how, if it was the stench of his well used Sox cap, the frigid air, the way his muscles tensed under the holey patches of his beaten up white tee, or if it was just her heart speaking. But somehow, Lily had opened her eyes for the very first time, and when she opened them, all she could see was Jeff.


"He can't see? How could that have happened Lillian…?"

She wasn't paying attention to her mother's questions, she could only think about the way the wind felt that day, his lips burning a hole at the nape of her neck, that stupid old hat of his. Twisting her napkin for dear life, Debbie eventually reached out to grab and relax Lily's hand, almost in tears at the sight. "Sweetie, look at me." Lily did as she was asked, but was still miles away on the Cape somewhere. "What happened to Jeff?"

"T-they tortured him."

"Who?"

"Uhh…" Coughing back her thoughts, she tried to focus on the required answer, seeing it in her mind, his file, the small details he had given her earlier in the afternoon. "The Mexican Cartel. They found out he was CIA…and they, took his eyes."

"Took them?"

"Drilled."

Mrs. Hanson, in all of her experiences with law enforcement tragedy had never expected to hear anything like this, and eventually had to choke back her own need to cry, to vomit, to lose it. Jeffery had practically become part of their family the year after Tom and Lily had lost their father, something she knew they each needed, a good, solid friend. Things had of course risen above such between Sheldon and Lillian, she knew this well, and had adored every minute of their a courtship. Jeff was the boy, the man she had always wanted for her little girl. And now, looking across the table of the restaurant at her daughter, turning twenty-nine, a glass of wine in her hand to ease the same pain Debbie had felt for Peter all those years ago, it broke her heart to no end. Sure, it had been almost six years since either of them had heard from or seen Jeffery or his own sister, but it was with good reason apparently.

Before she could bring herself to ask any other questions about it, Lily had asked if they could get some dessert to go, to which her mom nodded silently with a knowing smile, paid the tab against her daughter's will, and took her home. Lily needed her mom tonight, more than she thought she ever would, she needed to know that Sheldon had ended up in her office, under her discretion for help for a reason, some higher power perhaps. He had come back to her for a reason, whether either of them understood why or not.