Death and All His Friends


The Green Room – January 17th, 2004

8:20 am

She hated grapefruit. She had always hated it. There was something entirely too tropical about its nature for her. She was born and raised in a place that was famous for things like cranberries, grown across the middle of the lake, the bay, and lobster. Nothing pink, and juicy, and covered in sugar. The coating made her sick as she scraped her spoon over top of it, noting how happy the fruit looked, contained its bowl, awaiting her to devour it. Florida was generally a happy place to be from what she'd seen so far, people everywhere smiling, relaxed, and enjoying their vacations. Lily wondered what it was going to take to get her to that kind of comfort now, especially having doused all illuminated flames the night before, anything left to live for taking a nose dive off the balcony.

Moving her spoon away from the fruit, she wiped it clean and began stirring the last bit of her coffee, anxiously, as she peered up and around the restaurant. The sun poured in from the green and blue glass of the windows, everything was bright, customers were generally happy, awake, alive. And she, dressed in a pair of old jeans and a heavy black sweatshirt from her Boston College days, sat slumped in a booth seat, spoon to coffee and eyes red with evening tears. She had stopped crying long enough to get herself from the room to the hotel restaurant, but it would all change again, and was starting to. The more she looked around the open space, at other tables, at the joy, she began to see things that broke what was left of her heart.

Her eyes darted to a corner booth where sat a family. Simple enough for any normal spectator, but not her. A mother and father sat to one side of the table, laughing and chatting about plans for their day's journey, while across from them, two young children, an older brother and his sister sat. They were what kept her attention, their innocence, their energy as they fought over a red crayon, and tried to beat one another at a game of napkin tic-tac-toe. She remembered days like that in her own life, sitting at the diner with her parents after church on Sundays, or at the dinner table, her and Tommy fighting for the last roll. She remembered…


"Randall."

"Emerson."

"Cole."

"Denny."

"Luke." The alternating of young boys' voices went on, as each name was called, each player was drawn onto a side. Every name called, left the litter to be chosen from, more and more weak, less capable, and useless. Lily waited, her dad's old cap pulled down below her eyes, scratching the dirt at the ground with her sneakers, hoping for nothing more than to hear her name before Jessie, the kid with glasses, or Rob, the kid with excess baggage. But it never came, and she was left idly before the two sizeable teams.

"No way man, she's yours."

"I don't think so Mike, we had her last weekend."

Tommy stood at the front of the his team, having been the very first chosen into the game. The week before, Lily had played on account of him being captain, and he had chosen her first to make a point. The point though, hadn't stuck well and instead he found himself arguing with Mike to let her join them.

"Come on, Lily's a good hitter man."

"Dude, she's a girl. You're going to hell for saying that."

"Whatever, just let my sister play." The oldest of the boys was Mike, at a stifling fifteen years of age. He stood in front of Tom who was his best friend, thinking, darting back and forth between the Hanson duo, from boy to girl, strong to supposedly weak. Eventually, his decision was made with a roll of eyes, and Lily ran over to join their side, with the second team laughing wildly. Mike walked away in embarrassment to the mound, and Tom softly patted Lily on the back with a smile. "Thanks Tommy."

"You bet Lil."


Her eyes flew open with pain. They were growing puffier, weak, wet with tears as she glanced back away from the family's table in preparation to leave the restaurant. She tried to focus on her coffee again, soon interrupted by the waitress returning to fill her cup back up.

"More coffee?"

Lily looked up at the younger girl, no more than twenty and smiled with hardened, tired eyes. "Please, thank you."

A refill, and the waitress was again off to other customers, while Lily's spoon, was returned to her cup in a sweeping stir. She let her gaze wander again, seeing older men and women with hair of white, a few businessmen, and then another table just to the side of her, at least three chairs length away. It was an older man, in his mid fifties probably, smiling and listening intently to a younger girl across from him. She went on and on about topics that Lily could only half hear in her view, but she focused harder, watching the older man's face glow contently. The girl spoke of school, her apartment, her life, and then she heard a few choice words in the conversation, peaking her interest, "Dad, I'm so happy with him. I can't wait for you two to meet."

The man smiled, the girl touched his arm warmly, and Lily, lost a world away, felt her eyes grow weary with a sting of sparkling tears.


"Lily…Sam is at the door." Sitting high up in the loft of the house, she heard her dad yell from the front door at the supposed guest, but wrinkled her nose up at the thought. She didn't want to go outside and play with Sam, or any other boy for that matter, she just wanted to stay inside, and ignore stupid boys all together. "Lily?"

When she didn't respond to him, she heard her dad say something quietly to Sam from the doorway, and then looking out of the window seat upstairs in the hall, she saw Sam take off down the street, a football in one hand and two sodas in the other. She smiled though, knowing she was free, or at least she thought so. A second later she turned to see her dad standing at the top of the stairs, looking at her both with a whimsical smile and almost one of relief.

"Didn't you hear me? Sam was here, honey."

"I know that." She replied with a definitive plop onto the cushions at the window, and her dad came in nearer, taking a seat beside her.

"And you didn't want to play?"

"No."

"Why's that?"

"Cause' boys stink the big one, dad." He laughed at her charm, her wit, all gifted by her brother no doubt. An eighteen year old filling a thirteen year olds head with such fact, such pride, such truth of the world. David Hanson was pleased with his daughter's confidence in not worrying about boys, it gave him the ability to sleep well at night. He kissed the top of her head, and quickly stood again with a chuckle. Making it back to the stairs, he was caught by her voice.

"Hey dad?"

"Yeah, Lil?"

"I might like boys one day. A long, long time from now."

He smiled again, nodded, and replied, "I know that kiddo. I might have a heart attack, but I'll be ready for it."

Laughter faded away between them.


Again, her concentrated eye was broken and she refocused on what was left of her toast. She nibbled at it, wiping back the falling tears with the sleeve of her sweatshirt, and let her mind drift away from the room altogether, away from anything that could remind her of before. Lily wanted to be cleared of it all, regenerate strength, be as proud as she was as a child, with her dad, with Tommy, before the world collapsed on her head and left her wavering in darkness. She wasn't blind like Jeff, but most of the time, she felt like she was.

The toast fell to her plate again, the steam rising out of her coffee cup warmed her eyelids as they closed with further wetness, and she choked back with a sigh as they opened again. To the entrance of the restaurant, to the crowds dissipating, all leaving a young man and woman standing before her. Together they were beautiful, they were happy, upbeat, ready to enjoy their day, together. They did not look like her and Jeff, but it didn't matter, because in another time, another place, it had been them.

Her eyes were burning, ravaging of everything in them, draining, spilling emotion to the brink of existence as she fumbled with her coffee cup, and only heard one thing in her head.

"I think I'm ready to marry you…Lily Hanson. I know I'm ready."

"Lily?" The trance was broken, the waves rolled away, and she got herself back in the reality of the restaurant, of the coffee trickling off the table where she spilled it. Shane was standing next to the table, helping to wipe up some of the mess with a smile. "You okay?"

"Uhh…" she tried to respond but really didn't know what might work for such a question. So she didn't and only helped aimlessly soak up the remaining spill. Shane asked to sit, and with a nod, Lily encouraged her.

""I didn't know what had happened to you, and then we came down here and I saw you sitting here all alone. What's going on?"

No answer, just a smile, and a trickling tear at the corner of her eye.

"Lily? What's wrong? Did something happen last night…"

She focused on Shane with a shake of her head, then brushed away the tears on her face quickly, and wiped her nose again with her sweater. "I was just having breakfast."

"Yeah, but you look like someone ran over you with a truck."

"Do I?" Shane nodded in empathy and handed her a napkin. "Oh, well that's good. It's my favorite style." Only laughing slightly, she drew her hand across the table to cover Lily's. If there was one thing that Shane had never been very good at, it was consoling people, or crying herself for that matter. But with Lily, who she had known better than most women ever to come into her life, she tried twice as hard to help.

"Tell me what happened. Jeff wouldn't say anything about it."

"I'm not crying about last night really."

"Then what? Talk to me." A stroke of Shane's hand over her own, and Lily felt immensely calmer, falling deep into thought, trying to determine just what exactly it was that was bothering her. There was a plethora of things, all co-existing, all tangled into one giant demon. But she tried.

"I went to school for a long time you know. Almost eight years."

It seemed a random point, but Shane went along. "Yeah I imagine."

"I learned a lot, I…I studied hard. I wanted to be a psychologist, I actually did. I wanted to help people, you know?" Lily sniffled into the napkin, and Shane nodded in understanding.

"After what happened to my dad…I just, I remember being at his funeral. It was so cold that day. I was holding onto my mom's hand, and looking across at all of these police officers, men I knew my whole life, tough, strong men." Her eyes gained momentum again in uncontrollable tearing, and no napkin could help her now. "I was stunned Shane…these men, they were all crying, I mean really crying for my dad. It shook me. I couldn't understand it. How such brave men, men who had seen and killed and lost life, could be crying, how could they not be broken in by such things already?"

She wiped her nose against her sleeve again, looking across the table to see the waitress returning with another refill. She held out her cup, sniffling, and once full again, placed it back on the table. "My mom tried to explain to me later that, even grown men cry sometimes, even cops. That policemen can hurt just as badly as little girls do at times, that their hearts break and need repairing…or in the least, just a shoulder." She paused, running her hand through her hair, as she squeezed the one held by Shane still. "That's when I decided I wanted to help them. I wanted to give back to the men who had been there for my family, I wanted to give them my shoulder when they needed it."

"Well, from what I hear by Jack you're the best psychologist the CIA has to offer anyone."

"I won't say I'm the best, but I do love my job. I come to work knowing that someone, man or woman, is going to come in there and need me, whether they say so or not. And I can help them, I do everything I can."

"And it works?"

"Most every time."

"Too bad you got stuck with my brother then." Shane helped to bring a smile to Lily's face as they thought on the subject changing, and Lily's own head dove into another portion of her job, the one that gave her hope every day that he had been away.

"Actually, I think I've been doing it for him all this time."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, that day at Tommy's funeral, when I saw Jeff, he was standing there…right where my father's friends had stood all those years ago. And he was broken, just like them. I had never seen him cry before Shane. It was…I don't know…something." Another wave of tears fell onto her sleeve, her nose running, her head spinning. "Jeff needed someone then. He needed to talk, and cry on a shoulder, probably mine. And…I didn't let him. I walked away instead, and broke him again."

"He was crushed, for sure."

"I blame myself. I have, every single day. I know it was my fault."

"He didn't go after you Lily, he's as much to blame."

"No…he's not Shane. Jeff did everything he was supposed to, he tried. And I ignored it all. I deserved the last eight years, for leaving him there like that."

"You shouldn't say that."

"It's true. I'm the reason he's the way he is now…so closed up all the time." Crying against her free palm, she breathed deeply with a cough of tears, and forced herself to go on."Every patient I've had has been Jeff, as weird as that sounds. They were always Sheldon…it gave me the chance to help him, in my mind, I was able to fix what I had broken with him."

Shane smiled with distress as she took a sip of her coffee and drew her hand back from Lily's.

"I know, it sounds completely absurd."

"It doesn't…"

"It does Shane. It does. Trying to redeem myself with him, through other people. It's stupid."

"But he's your patient now, you can help him Lily."

"No." she replied smoothly, running her fingers along the table's edge, wiping away the teardrops falling. "I ruined my chance." There was silence, complete still about their table, as the restaurant and world around them sped up, lighting, sparks of light here and there at the corner of their eyes. Shane sat watching Lily cry, and Lily sat thinking about why she was crying, why she was wasting Shane's time. And memories of things darted in and out of her head, consistently, images, words, kisses, hugs, yelling, anger, hate, love. Everything that gave her a reason or need to keep crying, came to her then. And through all of it, she thought about one single thing, one thing she still had only ever shared with her mother. It was a memory, she needed to express, if only so that Shane might understand her better.

"I remember…a few days or so after Tom's funeral, I woke up really sick. Dizzy and puking, and I thought at first it was just from being stressed, and sad…but, then I just got sicker. I thought about it, and kept recalling the day before I broke up with Jeff…that day…" she looked up to Shane, seeing the understanding in her eyes, "we, you know."

"Yeah."

"It was the last time we did actually. And in everything that happened after it, I never even paid attention to my cycle, or any of that."

"Of course not."

"Well, I got really worried, talked to my mom, and you know her, she rushed me right down to the drugstore. Got the test home, and took it. I mean my god…my brother had died a week before, and I was taking a pregnancy test to see…if I was carrying his best friend's baby. The world was falling apart, I felt it…" Lily cried harder, seeing everything in her mind, the way she wanted Shane to see it. "I sat there at the kitchen counter, with the little test pushed as far away as I could reach. And I had to wait, ten minutes or whatever."

"Right."

"And I just sat looking at it the whole time, thinking about Jeff, and that last time we were together. I wanted to hit him, I wanted to…I don't know, hate him or something. And I couldn't, I never could. As scared as I was…thinking about what it would be like raising a baby alone, without a father, with only my mom's help, I could hardly breathe sitting there."

"You still loved Jeff?"

"Of course, I did Shane. God…I couldn't stop, I tried, I did. But I never…for one single, second of my life, didn't love him. I broke everything off because…because I was afraid for us. I was too scared to love someone else, one more cop I might lose. But then I was looking at that test, and I starting thinking that if it was positive, maybe it could work out between us, maybe he would come back, maybe I could be with him again. That we could…raise the baby…and grow old together. And everything would be perfect like it always was." Her cheeks drenched, Lily leaned further over the table, taking in the steam of her coffee again, soothing her leaking eyes and nose. "As young as I was, I wanted that test to be positive, so badly…"

"But it wasn't."

"No. It wasn't. And it's haunted me every day since."

Shane was quiet, thinking about all that was coming out between them, everything left unsaid over time, all of the years gone by without a phone call, without a letter, without seeing one another, or Lily and Jeff seeing each other. It was the cause of so much grief, the separation of minds, of love and care. And it was becoming more and more apparent with each conversation the girls had together on this trip, each word passed by lips was changing the past.

"My life has been completely determined by a missing plus sign. Everything is negative, nothing has ever once been positive. At least not for very long anyway…" Lily turned her head away when she heard a soft gurgling sound to her right, and with doused, wet eyes she looked off to see the face of an infant, bobbing up and down against its mother's shoulder from the back. She smiled at the beauty in it, the wide, toothless grin the little girl had on her face, gentle brown curls across the top of her head, and an outstretched hand and arm to where Lily was sitting. The baby was reaching out to her, and strangely enough, Lily too found herself extending a finger a ways, the mother and her company never taking a single notice of it. Shane watched as the baby grasped onto Lily's finger, and also, as Lily herself, sniffled away her first tears of joy since the night before, since coming back into the Sands' lives.

Making a goofy grin towards the baby, it laughed, and Lily drew her hand away to return to Shane again, a sip of coffee, a cough of determination to rid herself of all sadness.

"I wanted to sleep with your brother last night, Shane. I did. Sorry to freak you out."

"No...I know. He wanted it too I think."

"Something stopped me. I couldn't let him think that I was the same as I used to be, that…if we were together, everything would go back to the way it was."

"No, he needs to get to know you again. You both need to find out about each other."

"Yeah. I just wish I could believe it was going to be an easy thing to do."

Shane wiped her lip dry of excess coffee, and smiled with the notion she had first arrived with and held back on for Lily's emotions. Leaning across the table, she grinned, extended a hand and spoke. "Well, you can start with today. We have some CIA business to attend to...and you two are in my car." Lily giggled softly, wiping off her drying tears with the sleeve of her sweater, and tucking her hand into Shane's as she pulled her out of the restaurant and back to the room.

Neither of them ever noticed the company derived from the table behind. The man, who in question, had cried as much as the young woman who spoke of him. A man who without seeing the world, felt it, and the night before had tasted it for the first time in eight years.