All At Once
January 18th, 2004
8:44 AM
The room was nearly unbearable when Lily's eyes opened for a second time. The heat from the widened sliding doors of the balcony, the wretched humidity that she had forever been warned about, covered her legs under the sheets, and slid down her back in rolling beads where her skin met Jeff's. Florida weather was as predictable as her heart in many ways. The night before it had rained, the day before it had been cold, and now, it was almost too hot to stand, without moving, without doing something to ease the tension. When she attempted to wiggle free of his hold on her waist though, Sands pulled her closer to his chest, resting his forehead in the crook of her neck, still half asleep.
Breathing deep, she flipped over in his necessary arms to stare at the ceiling of the room. Her fingers aimlessly tapped, stroked at the soft hairs on his wrist, over the protruding veins in his hand. Everything was as still as if she had never woken up. Only the distant sound of another suite's door slamming shut, a room service cart being wheeled in the hall, and the anxious dripping of the bathroom sink. She tried to close her eyes, but found all actions beyond lying motionless or waking him up, out of the question. There were a hundred thousand things she had to worry about, to think on, and to determine after the night before. There was the sex, which was as amazing as she could ever remember it being. There was the breach of her contract as his physician. There was the endless hope that she felt running through her blood, rising with the heat of the room, and boiling as he pulled her again closer into his hold, kissing her neck.
"Stop debating everything so damn much…" He grumbled at her ear as he woke in full.
"I'm not."
"Liar."
"I'm just thinking. You know, it's that thing where the human mind processes--" He cut her off with a hand to her opposite jaw line, pulling her mouth across and into his, sideways. He knew everything she was thinking, because without sight, his mind was his own sanctuary, his own hell. It helped him understand other human's silent states better. Lily let him deepen the kiss as he pulled her body on top of his, twisted in sheets. Her messy curls barely touched down to his neck, his chest, as his fingers knotted between them. She remained as such, with her thighs grazing against his morning desire, her feet tangled up in his a mile away at the end of the bed.
Eventually she managed to break long enough to begin another statement, "If you think that you can just kiss me and--" but again he stopped her train of thought, her necessity to draw things out in the most useless of terms. His tongue struck at her tightened lips, forcing them open, abusing her own tongue as it slid down and around her teeth. The sensation was wild, one she was sure only Jeff could produce in any natural way, and she allowed it to continue for another moment, pleased only by the fact that it had all but prevented her thoughts from dragging past the required concern.
He released her face, feeling her breath high above his, and waited for her to speak first. He knew too well that she would claim the advantage.
"You act like there's nothing to worry about. Like a fifteen year old with a crush…"
"You wouldn't have wanted to be with me when I was fifteen." He grinned, while rubbing at the tender skin over his bruised eye sockets. "I had too much of a reputation for you to handle, Hanson."
"That's not what I meant." With a sigh, she tore the sheet from his body and wrapped it around her own as she slid from the bed. Jeff shook his head, but didn't follow. He heard the bathroom door shut shortly thereafter, the sound of running water, of the unnecessary flat screen blasting with morning news.
"Oh no," he mocked to himself as he reached out over the mattress for any signs of his clothes, "Don't worry about the blind guy…he'll just use his fucking Spidey senses."
After a nude chase across the bed and floor, he managed to locate his boxers at least, and slid them on. The phone rang simultaneously from the bedside table, prompting him to move with a growl toward the sound, and lift the receiver to his ear as he slumped back onto the bed. "Yeah?"
"You asshole!" He smiled immediately at the sound. "Did you ever think to wonder…'Hm, maybe I should let Shane know that I'm checking into a separate, un-sound proof room?'"
"Morning to you too, God."
"Screw you, Jeff. This isn't a joke."
He sighed, rubbing his forehead at the rising ache. "If I apologize will you stop yelling at me, and blame Lily instead?"
"Oh cause' I'm sure that it was her idea to check into a private suite and seduce you all night. You're such an innocent party when it comes to sex, however could I think to blame you…?"
He laughed again despite her anger, "It was stupid, I admit it. Are you happy?"
"Not even close."
"What will make you happy, then?"
Shane sighed from the opposite line, and spoke very simply, dryly even. "Jack called me when you didn't answer your phone. He went to Debbie's house after Lily left her office closed for a week, and you disappeared. I told him I would find out what room you booked for your little fling, and get back to him. When they call you, if you mention my name in any way…"
"Yeah, yeah okay. Like I would sell you out, you should know me better than that."
"I sure as hell thought I did, you've really done it this time though, you know. Washington is on lockdown with you running around on their case."
He chuckled at this and listened closely to hear the water and TV still running from the bathroom. "I'm not going back, Shane."
"I know that." She replied quickly. "But you still better watch your ass. If Jimmy finds you out, you know he won't stop at just you…Lily is fair bait too. Her mom is freaking out…you do realize what's going through her head right now, don't you? Lily is all she has left, Jeff…"
"Thanks for reminding me." The conversation quickly ended with the promise of meeting up for breakfast downstairs, and as he shuffled to toss the phone back to the table, he heard the bathroom door open again. Lily was silent as she walked past his side of the large bed, hunting out her dress from the night before and finding it crumpled on the floor by his jeans. She dressed in record time, feeling at least temporarily refreshed by the cold shower on her hot skin. Drying her hair out with the towel, she glanced over to see Jeff reclined in quiet peace on the bed. He was only in boxers, more than likely unable to locate the rest of his clothes, and it brought her into guilt again, as it always did.
After twisting her hair into a simple bun at the nape of her neck, she stepped lightly around the floor, grabbing his jeans, shirt, jacket, and cell phone, and laying them on his lap at the side of the bed. He was like stone, contemplative in his own mind and locking her out. And had it not been for the instant ringing of her own phone across the room at the bar, she imagined she could have stood there and watched him think all day long.
Reaching out for the phone as it buzzed with the Foo Fighters latest single, she saw it light up with a most appropriate name, interruption, for the moment. Mom…her finger immediately pressed to answer, her ear to the receiver and a deep breath to follow.
"Hey mom." She tried to sound normal, like she was ten years old again, lying about breaking the family vase.
"Lillian…what on earth…where are you?"
"Me, oh I'm just you know…doing a little grocery shopping." It was the best she could come up with in stimulated time.
"Wrong answer, Lily."
She sighed, leaning over the bar with her back to the bed where Jeff still sat listening in.
"Are you trying to get yourself killed? Honey, you're all I have left…if something happened to you down there…I just, I don't know…"
"Mom, I'm sorry. I am." She tried to sound tough against her mother's agony, but found it almost as difficult as denying herself the view of Jeff. "I have to do this though."
"For who, for Tommy? Your brother would have lost his mind if he thought you were in danger like this…he wouldn't want you to fight his war, Lillian. You have to let Shane take care of this."
"Y-you know about Shane?"
"Of course I do. The CIA has been drinking coffee in the living room for an hour…they've told me everything. Now you need to come home and--"
"I can't do that, I have to help them." She was determined against the knowledge she was gaining. She loved her mother, and didn't want to imagine her alone, but she loved Tommy just as much, and knew she would never be satisfied without the revenge she felt growing in her veins. "I'm thirty years old now…and I'm staying here to help them, mom."
"Lillian…" As she waited for her mother to continue stressing out, Lily suddenly felt the heat of another body against her back, as Jeff's chin came to rest on the top of her head, leaning over the counter with his arms extended at her own. He held her softly, listening in on her mother's panic, chuckling a few times, and then eventually reaching around to take the phone of out her hand with a smile. Lily turned in his arms, her back to the counter, and their waists pressed together still as he held her to him.
She noticed as he began to talk, that his glasses were back on in coverage of his sole vulnerability. "Deb?" He inquired smoothly.
"Yeah…" she heard her mother reply wearily.
"Debbie, its Jeff." Her voice, once critical, one angry, instantly fell to a sweet lightheartedness, and he prided himself in this.
"Jeffery? Oh my…honey, it's been so long. Although I see not much has changed as far as your taking Lily on wild adventures…I'm just worried about her…"
"Me too, absolutely. I warned her the second she got on the plane."
"She got on the plane herself?"
"Oh yeah…just walked right on. Insisted she would shoot me deaf if I didn't bring her along…"
Lily's jaw dropped and she tried to shove him away from her, but he held tighter as she heard her mother continue to mumble into the phone, and felt his lips fall to her open shoulder. He kissed slowly, humming with understanding at each of her mother's words. "This is just very dangerous for the both of you. Jeff, Lily explained to me what happened to you in Mexico, it's terrible. I just hate to think of you trying to work this case in such a state…I wish the two of you would come home…let Shane and the other men take care of this…I don't know what I would do if either of you…"
He suddenly broke from kissing along Lily's neck and chin to accept what Mrs. Hanson was saying, how she was begging him to reconsider the choice of the case. He imagined he could quit now, convince Lily it wasn't worth the cost of their lives, get on a plane, return to Washington, Boston even, and start all over again. It was a choice; one Debbie wished for, one he knew he had wished for a thousand countless times. But as he pulled back a ways to breathe, contemplate, he thought of a young man, a brother and son, a partner, a cop taken before his fair time, and he instead fell into reassuring Lily's mom.
"Deb, I swear to you…she'll be fine. I haven't let her out of my sight yet, and I don't plan to. Whatever the agency is saying, don't let them worry you. Shane trusts me with or without my sight, and I know I can handle this guy down here. Lily is safe with me…I've always promised you that."
"And what about you Jeffery? The thought of something happening to you while you're protecting Lillian…I can't bear it…"
This was why he had always adored Tommy and Lily's mother, the fact that at the drop of any hat, she was his as well, the one he had missed out on. Debbie Hanson cared for him the way that no other person ever had, and still, all of these years later without contact, she was just as protective, just as concerned. He couldn't fight the notion of it, he wanted her to understand that being a part of her family again, with her, with Lily, would be the only remaining consolation in his life. But he held back at the present, to think things through, the way her daughter had insisted on using the tactic.
"We're both going to be fine. We'll be back in time to take you out for Valentine's Day…promise."
Lily heard her mom laugh at this, tearfully, but with as much honesty and understanding as she could muster. Jeff smiled without laughing, genuine as he gave silence to the conversation for a moment. Something had taken place between their words, their short reunion on the phone, which left Lily wondering what exactly she had been contemplating in bed earlier. She wondered now, as she hung up with her mom and watched Jeff stumble off toward the bathroom, whether it had been less of contemplation, than it was acceptance, knowledge, contentment. There were a million things she wanted to say to him after that, but nothing seemed to suit the silence that ran its course even still. So instead she replaced her heels from the bar the night before, sat on the bed waiting for Sheldon to finish getting dressed, and stared out at the sunny, Tampa cityscape.
It didn't look half as intimidating as everyone seemed to think.
Her thoughts only lasted a steady five minutes or so before he came hobbling out through the door, cursing at his belt, with one boot on, and his hair greasy, slept in, sexed in. She bit her lip to keep from bursting out laughing, and got up to assist in any way he would allow, handing him a second boot, finding the hole on his belt he insisted was missing. He seemed upset by the fact that he was slowly allowing her to help him more often, with simple things, things that before she came around, he had spent hours forcing himself to learn to do, just so he could claim he didn't need assistance. This was all breaking apart now. And as he sat on the edge of the bed to tie off his boots, Lily stood near the door of the room, tapping her finger lightly on the wall.
"You didn't have to do that you know…" his attention was caught as he heard her across the room, "…with my mom, I mean. I'm a not a kid anymore, I can handle it."She sounded slightly put off by the fact, and when he stood to walk in the direction of her voice, he found himself completely unsure of what to say in return. "You've always wanted to protect me, like I might break…it's why you didn't want me to come in the first place. You just can't give me a chance to prove myself to you, ever."
He was coming closer, solemnly, as he shifted his sunglasses higher and threw his jacket over his shoulder.
"And look…anytime I say anything to you, anytime I try to…I don't know; explain myself…you get all…cold. You ignore me."Her voice was growing angrier, but for no reason at all, except to hear herself in tension, to know she could be as strong as him. "Tommy did the same thing to me my whole life…treated me like I was made of glass, like I couldn't be put in danger. You're both wrong…" she stammered, coming away from the doorway, still arguing with the air between them. "…I'm more than capable of doing this, of being down here with you and Shane. I'm angry Jeff…" She yelled out as he came to her finally, and her fist came down to thrust against his heart. He did not waver against this, only let her finish. "…I'm so mad at that asshole, he took him…he had no right to take him…" Another fist, her forehead falling down to his chest as he stood still. Lily's eyes burned with tears into his t-shirt as she clung to his arms, hiding her face under his chin, his arm eventually coming around to hold her waist. "I just want you to let me fight…for God's sake…I need this."
His lips sat atop her head, inhaling the fresh scent of shampoo from her shower, and deciding whether to speak or not. What would he say to all of that? How would be guarantee all of her wishes would be met? How the hell would he ever admit to himself that he wanted her to be here, in danger, risking her life with him, for him, for Tommy?
"Yeah." He replied courtly as she moved away from him, almost surprised. "I know you need this."
"But you're going to try to stop me…"
"No, no." He argued back instantly, listening to her breathing out in front of him. "Who the fuck would I be to stop someone from getting revenge, especially you?"
"I don't believe you."
"Do you ever?"She stopped shortly to laugh back another flow of desperate tears, and then glanced up at him, his face, the posture of his mouth, his cheeks, which told her he was serious. When she was sure he was, she chose to turn her back to him and only listen. "I mean Jesus, Lillian…if you thought I was going to hold you back, do you think I would have let you wander into some cheap side nightclub alone, or even step foot on that goddamned plane to begin with? Christ knows I'm a tad bit stronger than you…"
"No. I guess not."
"I hope to God…" he began, reaching out to take hold of her arms again and bring her back to rest against his chest, breathing in her hair, down her neck from behind. "…that when that fucker is looking into the barrel of a gun this week…you're the one holding the trigger back. That's what I hope."Her eyes shut at his demanding whisper, rattling in her skull as he held onto her.
"Where…" she tried, keeping her eyes sewn shut, trying to understand where he was coming from. "Where will you be?"
"Me…?" He asked questionably, leaning into her. With a deep breath, he slid his hands further down her arms until he could twist his fingers into hers, bringing her hands higher up to stretch out in front of her, from where they stood tied together. Gently, blindly, he fashioned her hands into the makeshift shape of a pistol, holding tight to each of her fingers. "I'll be right here…like this. Making sure you follow through." She shook her head against his chest, eyes still closed, focus strengthening in on the image of a gun in her hands, Jeff behind her, Tuzla in front meeting his match. Sheldon kissed her head richly, breathed heavily once more, and sighed, "I'll be watching your back, kid."
