Where I'll be
8:20 AM
"Okay, my turn."
"Hit me."
Lily spread out across Sands' chest, bared to the bone and thirty hours behind on sleep, but still laughing.
"Ready?"
He slid his hand down her smooth back under the sheets and squeezed her ass, "Yes."
She giggled and hit the button on the stereo remote, changing the song on her iPod instantly from across the room. It played for all of eight seconds, a righteous beat and a tampering rhythm, and then she stopped it again suddenly.
"Marvin Gaye."
"And…?"
"77, I think."
"Yeah…and the song is?"
Jeff's brow tightened as he forced himself to think of it, something nearly impossible with the heat of her breath over his face and her clammy mold settled between his legs.
"Song is…Got to Give it Up?"
She laughed and quickly caught his lips between hers.
"Good job."
"Let's have another."
"Okay."
She clicked the remote again and another song instantly spilled out through the room, making her want to get up and dance, although she waited and pressed stop after ten seconds.
Sands went quicker with this one though, "That's Message in a Bottle, '79."
"And who sings it?"
"Don't patronize me, kid."
He flipped her over in his arms and pinned her to the mattress, crooning deep in her ear.
"The Police, album Reggatta de Blanc. Their Label was A&M, the genre is considered new wave and the producer is St--"
She stopped him and forced his mouth down on hers in a heated rush, if for nothing else, than to shut him up for the first time all night long. Her lips and tongue melted every bit of him that was still able to function at all. The unfair sensation of her thighs wrapped around him, her feet on his back and her fingers through his hair, would have been enough to do in a man any weaker. He pulled back and could somehow feel her smile up at him as he peaceably concluded.
"Sting."
She growled with laughter and pushed him off of her with the sheet wrapped tight to her body.
"I need a shower."
"A shower with a blind masseuse?"
Lily slid off the bed as he followed after her breath.
"I haven't worn you out yet?"
"Woah…" he defended himself strongly as he jumped down from the bed in the buff, "…below the belt there, Hanson. I have no jumping off point with dirty hotel sex."
She moved her hand up to pat his cheek. "Prove me wrong then, Energizer Bunny."
"Oh you are just asking for trouble."
"Maybe."
She took his hand in hers and led him toward the bathroom, tripping over clothes and towels and shoes alike. Sands made it inside to the tile floor with her help, but once there, he knew exactly what to do. He moved his hand to where he felt Lily clinging to the bed sheet at her chest and pulled it away in a flash. Her consistent laughter only made his movements all the more entertaining, as he pulled her bare form into his arms and stumbled towards where he remembered the shower being.
"The lessons will never end with you, will they?"
"What kind of a world would that be?" He dropped her to the stoned floor of the massive shower and shut the glass door behind him when he felt her pull him inside against her body at the wall. "A world without your 'lessons' would be so depressing…"
"Don't I damn well know it."
He reached for the knob and twisted it as the pressure of the water from the numerous showerheads increased and warmed all around them.
With a growl in her soaked ear, he said, "Turn around," and she froze under him.
"Do I look like a 'turn around' kind of girl to you?"
"With prohibited vision you get to be whoever I want you to be, genius. Now turn."
He started her movement as he spun her silk wet skin to the face the cold wall. Lily rolled her eyes and gasped as her cheek and raised nipples hit the freezing tile. His hands on her hips and the intense wave of bliss that struck her when she felt his hard flesh bouncing against her back, made her shiver and fall into the wall harder.
"I bet you've never held a million fucking bucks in your hand."
She didn't understand the point but sighed, "Can't say I have."
Sands pressed his body into hers and the wall rougher and bite down on the nape of her neck.
"Well I have," he licked the skin when she winced at the short pain, "And you feel a million times better than that."
Lily smiled a little and reached behind her for one of his hands, leading it back around her dripping waist and pressed it down onto the heat between her thighs. He groaned serenely into her shoulder as she guided his first two fingers through the soaked folds of velvet skin, reaching for places he'd already been a dozen or more times through the night and morning. A place that never got old, but only better with time.
"Like I said," he murmured as he found a steady rhythm in and out of her, "Amazing…"
Lily moaned without words and left his hand on her throbbing center to reach around his neck and pull her body up from the tile floor of the shower. She was being held by nothing but two hands, one moving throughout her body in scissoring circles and the second pinching and agitating her right breast and the peak that had long since formed and burned.
"Jesus," he sighed in her ear as he forced his fingers deeper inside, "It's like screwing a spider monkey…"
She couldn't help to laugh as she felt every bit of her consume and tighten around his fingers, pulling for the last source of pleasure she had ever known in the world. Her grip on his neck and hair made everything come rushing down again as the blood shot to her head and the warm sap from within her covered his hand under the steamy water.
"Jeff…"
He let his thumb rove over her pulsing clit as he settled her back on the tile floor.
"Say it."
She breathed with spasm and reached behind her to take hold of his solid cock.
"I want this now."
He pushed her against the wall again, cheek to tile, breasts to tile, and his skin to every bit of hers.
"Sure you can dig it?"
Tired as it was, she softly nodded against the dripping wall of the shower.
"I can't hear a nod, Hanson."
Lily laughed and with a whisper returned the words that sent him over every imaginary edge.
"I can dig it."
And without so much as a second separating time, he grabbed a fistful of her wet hair in his hands, held onto her right hip, and drove himself upwards inside of her as she cried out. Her entire body left the ground again as her wet mold slid against the wall with his forceful thrust. Her head reeled and her heart beat like a wild drum, asking for more.
He suckled on her ear as she relaxed into the intrusion, the water streaming and the foggy mist blocking her vision of him. She could taste the stale run-off of his cologne on her tongue and she could feel his fingers ripping into the tender skin on her hip as he ground his own against her harder in circles.
"Still digging it?" He asked with a joking darkness.
She bit her lip and held the back of his neck again, "Still."
"Good."
Sands held onto her body tight as he released his rocking flesh to the tip and then with a simple twist of her nipple at the tile wall, he plunged inside of her to the hilt again, groaning out in release of tension. Lily followed suit as her cheekbone was crushed to the wall, again and again in fast, angry movements.
She cried out and he left heated lip trails on her neck.
He howled in her ear and she whispered incomprehensive sweetness in his.
"Lily…Tiger Lily…"
Her skin tingled even worse at the sound of his voice in the impossible fog, calling her that in the deep throes of his body and hers tied together. Lily moaned out for him as she felt herself falling harder into the blast she knew was arriving quickly. He held her gently and drove harshly and it left her going mad between him and the wall. She felt barriers inside of her clench and contract a million times over his thick shaft, drawing it further within until it was all she could feel anymore.
"Jeff, please…"
He granted the wish on her tongue as he forced himself hard against her, touching the magic key that made her eyes gloss over and roll back into her head as it fell to his shoulder. She could feel Jeff continue to move through the waves of her release as he vied for his own, over and over again. The grunting and growling soothed her into a near sleep and only seconds later she sensed herself being filled with his burning, wet liberation. It trickled down between her thighs and to the tile below but he never let her go from mid air, still a part of him.
His arms consumed her same as the water and the heat and the waves of ridiculous pleasure still did. With her head resting on his shoulder and his lips tickling her ear, she heard his deep breath in her temporary blindness and finally understood what it was like for him. She understood how he knew her so well without seeing her. Lily finally realized what a simple touch in darkness and fog, or a breath, could do for someone in Jeff's position.
And in the midst of her epiphany she heard his voice again, soft and somber.
"Lily, I…"
He stopped to recollect his thoughts and to kick himself one last time before he allowed the words to flow.
"I lo--"
The peace was broken by the same thing that always seemed to be an interruption with them; the ring of an insistent phone call. Lily slid down and out of his arms but turned around to hold onto him still in the echo of the ring and the drifting shower haze. She looked up to see his face, twisted and confused and annoyed and she held his cheeks softly.
"You what?"
"No. I can't."
The phone continued bothering his mind as he fell with Lily against the wall, his head resting in exhaustion and sickness in the crook of her neck as she cradled him.
"Jeff, just tell me."
She heard him sigh as the phone stopped ringing and his forehead rolled on her wet skin.
"I can't do it yet. I thought I could…" he pulled away and stumbled back to find the handle of the shower door, "…but I can't say it to you yet, Lil."
"Fine."
He stopped for a moment, halfway out and into the bathroom. His face turned up and towards her voice again as he felt her hand caressing his tight shoulders.
"Don't say it. But I can't wait to tell you anymore."
Sands felt as if he were ready to pass out and fall to the tile floor, cracked skull, blood and all. Lily wrapped her arms under his and pressed her silk body into his with a ghostly whisper.
"I love you, Sheldon. More than the first time if that's even possible."
Somehow he found the strength in his weakness to wrap both of his arms around her under the cascading water and be nothing but grateful for the fact that he could. She was like vicodin with a heroine chaser, like tequila and the sun, like a gun with flaming, vengeful bullets. She tore through him like a knife with a feather for a blade.
"I've always loved you. And I'm not going anywhere. Not until you tell me you feel otherwise."
He knew he wasn't going to do that; there was no otherwise with her. There was everything or more. He felt her kiss his chest and neck before she slid away from him and out of the shower again. And while he had previously wanted to do the same, he couldn't now. She'd gone and left him motionless; left him without legs rather than eyes. She'd left him standing under the stream of hot water, freezing to death without her skin to warm him, and weak in every bone.
He knew the denial wasn't going to last much longer. His breakdown was well on its way.
Boston
March 3rd, 1996
'Pick up the phone…call her…tell her you were stupid and angry and that it wasn't her. Fix this thing for the hundredth time because you have nothing else in the world going for you but her. Tell her you're sorry that…that you were selfish and greedy…and didn't think about her first. You should always think about her first. It's your job. She can't be your wife if you don't put her before yourself. Fucker.'
He stood in the kitchen of his apartment in the dark. There was a half empty bottle of vodka at one end and a pizza going cold because he was too confused to open the thing up and eat something. There was a framed photograph staring him down from the breakfast bar in front of him. It was something bright and sunny, a place and a moment that a year ago, was right. It was a beach, a shoreline, and he was kissing her on it. Simple, perfect, and memorable in so many good ways, that it ultimately became painful.
He shoved the picture down and out of sight on the counter as he stepped around and wandered into the hazy living room. He knew what he did wrong, the things he said and all those he forgot to say. He had told her the case with Tommy wasn't going to be an easy one, and he'd even warned her it wouldn't be a quick one. But he had promised her that he would call and visit when he was in town. He had promised that he would marry her the second it was over and that nothing would stand in his way.
Even though the case was still in full throttle and getting more dangerous by the second, he knew he'd screwed up. She didn't want to talk to him, or see him, or be anywhere near him. He'd lied to her a long while back, when he said he wouldn't change himself for the benefit of his job. And yet here he was, working as a specialized trainee for the CIA, attempting to take down one of America's heaviest criminal rings, and he was forgetting to call her or write her or even attempt to come home for Christmas. As far as he knew, she wasn't talking to her brother either.
He stood at the sliding doors that looked out over the north end of the city. He could just make out the lights of Fenway and the faintest sound of the cheering crowds in the streets below. The Red Sox raked Chicago clean that night, and they had both missed it. They had their season tickets, they had their hearts set on going, and when he called her for the first time in three weeks, two hours before the game, she had said only one thing to him before she hung up. 'I thought you were dead, you selfish son of a bitch.'
And he knew he had deserved nothing more and probably worse.
Grabbing the phone from the couch where he had thrown it, he quickly dialed the seven numbers that would lead him right to the answering machine of her apartment. He didn't care, he only had to hear himself out; to tell her like it was. He just had to let her know that his intentions were all good, although they appeared shitty from every aspect of reality.
The phone rang six times at least, every ring longer and harder. He tried to imagine her sitting there in the empty darkness of her bedroom, or living room, or kitchen, listening and counting every ring. He pictured her with a glass of wine, an aching head like his, and wearing nothing but his clothes. She always wore his clothes when she was mad at him, her excuse being that she was trying to put herself into his mindset, trying to figure out why he did what he did to hurt her.
He smiled at thought and heard the final, all knowing eighth ring before it clicked to her classic machine tone.
'Hey, you've reached Lily's place.'
'And Jeff's.'
'No, he only sleeps here.'
'Yeah…if that's what you want to call it.'
'Just leave a message and I'll get back to you when I'm not busy.'
'Busy with me.'
There was a laugh he knew all too well, a screech and another click. It was the message he knew well enough to repeat aimlessly in sleep or even when intoxicated, as was his current state. A hundred people knew that message. Lily's mother got a kick out of it more than anyone. Tommy cringed at it but laughed and always left a message in response to it. It was a part of them, a part of them slowly dying at the moment.
A few seconds passed before he began to speak slowly, deeply into the receiver, planting his feelings for her to listen to. He knew he was speaking directly to her though, at the moment, as she stood there in his Rolling Stones tee and boxers, chugging wine and biting her lip. He knew…
"Alright, you're standing right there at the counter aren't you? You've probably finished a bottle of that cheap Australian wine that you only drink when you're mad and hate the world and hate me. I know you don't waste the good stuff on bad days…and I know you're probably reaching for a second bottle, the one under the sink…next to the bug spray." He laughed thinking about it, "You really need to find a new hiding place for that stuff, babe."
His head was reeling as he walked onto his balcony, the one that had a straight shot down to the tired end of Boylston Street where it hit Yawkey Way, and watched as a few drunks lingered in Boston gear.
"I know I have exactly five and half minutes before this thing cuts me off…so I'm not going to rush it. I'm going to let you think that I'm begging you to take me back, or meet me at Finn's for a drink, or let me come over there and make love to you. I'll let you think that Hanson, because I want you to realize that I'm not playing that game anymore, I've used up my chances with the free card."
He took a deep breath, slumped to the brick ground, his back to the harsh railing and pulled his guitar onto his lap. Release was easy to find when he began to strum.
She wore faded jeans and soft black leather
She had eyes so blue they looked like weather
When she needed me I wasn't around
That's the way it goes, it'll all work out.
He sang to her, like he always used to do, when he was a good guy. He tried to remind her in five minutes or less just how much he wanted to go back to being that guy, how he wished he'd never changed on her and let his promises fade. Jeff knew he was a stupid, and selfish and fighting upstream. But he also knew it was worth it.
There were times apart, there were times together
I was pledged to her for worse or better
When it mattered most I let her down
That's the way it goes, it'll all work out.
There was a definite pause as he felt the message's chances growing shorter, and knew there were only seconds to spare for her. He stood up and walked back inside, thinking, breathing, defining the moment even further than what he felt might just work. The song was one of her favorites, of hundreds that were her favorites. Funny thing was, it had grown on her because he'd insisted so long ago that the song reminded him of her. Whether he had foreshadowed his own mistakes or not, didn't matter now.
"I don't know what else to say to you anymore. I've said it all a million times, so why the hell should you believe it again now, right…" he hit himself in the head as he concluded the words.
"I do love you Lily, whether you seem to think so at times or not, I can't stop…it would kill me to stop wanting you. It's killing me right now, being two blocks away from your skin…and your lips…and I just want to run over there through the crowds of people and bang on that door until someone buzzes me in. I want to run up those stairs like a fucking mad man and kiss you like you've never known I could before…"
The phone beeped twice as a last warning and he fell to the couch, concluding softly.
"Just, don't give up on me so easily, Hanson. I swear to God I won't let you down…"
Lily wrapped herself in a towel and dried her hair before going out into the room again to find out who had been so desperate in calling the room. She assumed as much that it was Shane or one of the guys and checked her cell phone and Jeff's to find that she had been right. Somehow in the scheme of time wasted in the shower, they had called a total of five times and left messages for each. She didn't bother listening to them and instead dialed Shane.
It rang only once before she answered.
"Hey, what the hell took you so long? We've been trying you for half an hour."
"I know. I was in the shower."
"And what about that brilliant brother of mine? He can't answer a phone?"
"Oh…" Lily glanced back toward the bathroom where she saw Jeff struggling to find a towel, "…I think he was asleep."
"A huh," Shane replied with a giggle. "Well, we were trying to call to tell you to pack your bags."
"Why? Is the case done?"
"Yeah right, Lily."
"So what's up then?"
"Tuzla skipped town while we were training you yesterday."
Lily saw Jeff coming out of the bathroom with his glasses replaced and a towel covering his lower portion. He was wringing out his wet hair and sifting through their clothes at the end of the bed.
"Where did he go?"
His attention was caught when she asked the question into the receiver.
"America's playground, Doc Harvard."
She heard Carter chuckle the answer into the phone where he must have been beside Shane. Jeff came at her with a handful of his clothes and slumped onto the bed at her side where he could hear the back and forth conversation.
"Is that Shane?"
Lily brushed her palm down his wet cheek and whispered, "Yeah." And then she heard Shane in the receiver again.
"We've got a flight out of here at 11."
She still didn't even know where they were talking about going and asked again.
"Where are we chasing him to?"
"Vegas, Lily!"
She heard the three of them chant back at her simultaneously and her eyes immediately turned to see the look on Jeff's face. He didn't say anything at first; he just sat there, as if he was thinking about it, plotting the potential risks and benefits of it all. And then when the silence went on for too long and she heard Shane trying to hang up and telling her them to pack their bags and meet in the lobby in an hour, she heard Jeff finally whisper peaceably at her side.
"Vegas or bust, baby."
"There's one more thing that intelligence mentioned, and it's not good."
"What?"
"Tulza had guys on the inside somewhere in the hotel all this time, and well, he apparently found you out."
She gulped nervously and watched Sands' hands draw into tight fists.
"He knows you're Tommy's sister."
