Days, weeks, months, years…how long has it been since I last saw my daughter…I wasn't even sure anymore. My days in Galbatorix's castle seemed like eternity. Even Murtagh wasn't with me often; he had some things to do for the king elsewhere.
I didn't care anymore what was going on in the Empire. War or no war, what difference did it make to me? Life didn't make sense anymore. If you are not with your family, what do you live for?
I knew my anxiety was becoming more and more serious when I woke up in the middle of the night. Typical for visions. Why couldn't they come during the day? I felt so exhausted but joy overwhelmed me. I saw him.
My love, my dear husband! He was coming here! I could see him looking at the castle in the distance. I didn't know how much longer it will take him to reach this damned place, but it didn't look so hopeless. I wanted to see him!
Murtagh returned from his task the next day. I didn't want to tell him anything and I hoped no one else will notice Dorian is coming. By now everyone forgot about him. And why would they worry about him anyway? He was no threat for them. I was careful not to think about him when Murtagh was around.
One night I woke up in panic. I felt someone's hand under my nightgown. I gasped and opened my eyes. It was Murtagh. Suddenly, he started to kiss me and I didn't know what to do. My mind was telling me to push him away but my body didn't listen to it.
"No!" I finally managed to move away from him a bit.
"Why not?" he looked at me. I didn't say anything and he just continued to kiss me.
"Wait!" I said "There's something I have to tell you."
"What?" he played with my hair.
"I had a vision of my husband. He's coming here soon." I said.
"And?" he asked coldly.
"I can't…" I whispered but when he kissed me again, I kissed him back.
"Don't be afraid. I won't tell him…" he whispered into my ear and then kissed my neck.
"I know but…I'll have to." I couldn't believe I was discussing this with him. I couldn't believe I even had to try to convince myself this is wrong! What was my problem?
"Then tell him…" he whispered "Tell him I forced you. I don't mind."
"No…" I said as he tried to rip my nightgown.
"Do you want me to stop?" he looked at me carefully. What was he trying to get with that question?
"No." I managed to surprise myself with that answer. I already did a mistake so what difference does it make…once, twice…I'm still a horrible person, but a happy person.
In that moment I've made my decision; I'll do whatever makes me happy because no one really knows what's going to happen. Maybe my hopes are wrong, but we'll see…until then…oh, well.
I woke up next morning, hoping that last night didn't happen. For a second I doubted my decision but then I realized Murtagh was lying next to me and looking at me. He smiled when he saw the shock on my face; I actually thought he'll leave before I wake up.
"Hey." I said "Why are you looking at me like that?"
"You talked in your sleep." he smiled.
"What? Damn!" this was definitely one of the worst things that could have happened.
"Don't worry. You didn't say anything obscene." he laughed.
"Oh, that's nice." I rolled my eyes "Now tell me…why you're here anyway? Trying to anger the king again?"
"Maybe." he looked away. Great. He again had a reason for spending a night with me.
"Well, now you hurt my feelings!" I sat up in the bed and crossed my arms "That's not nice."
"You actually got smarter." he said.
"I did?" I raised an eyebrow "How come?"
"You realized your hopes were stupid and you decided to live the life that's in front of you." he said "That's a good thing."
"Wait." I looked at him suspiciously "You came here last night because you wanted me to change my mind about this whole thing?"
"So what? I succeeded." he said "I need you in perfect condition, not depressed or feeling guilty."
"What for?" I asked "I bet it's not because you were worried about me."
"I won't lie to you." he said "I'm hoping you'll get a vision…true vision about the future…an idea how to get us out of here!"
"You mean, how to get you out of here?" I got a bit upset. What was he trying to do? Did he think I'll get a vision if he gets closer to me?
"Well, yeah…but I think it's more likely you'll get a vision if you care…or you're interested in it." he said "It's really stupid you can't control it…but you do actually…just unconsciously."
"Huh? And after last night I'm more interested in you?" I thought he was crazy.
"You are. You decided you won't care so much about your husband anymore." he said "Now you have time for other things."
"Oh, really? I can dream about you all the time?" I got up from the bed and started to put on my dress "I think you should leave."
"Fine." he got up from the bed and I looked at him. Better said, I stared at the scar on his back.
"Wait." I said and got closer to him "I never really paid attention to…that huge scar on your back."
"Good thing you didn't." he said and wanted to turn around but I stopped him. I had a strange feeling. It was like with the mirror; I had to look at it better. I just had to. I placed my hand on it but Murtagh moved away from me so fast that I could see this situation was very uncomfortable for him.
"Sorry." I whispered as he put on his shirt "How did you get it actually?"
He didn't say anything but I felt images coming to my head. I gasped. He didn't want to talk with me about it, but he showed it…just as he remembered it.
"Don't say anything." he said as I opened my mouth to say something, even I didn't know what possibly I could say.
"I…" I tried to say.
"Don't!" he was upset.
"But…" he probably knew what I was about to ask; however, that didn't stop me "Wait, if that man you showed me is your father…and the woman I dreamed is your mother…then how come I dreamed another man kissing her? That's what you didn't want to tell me, isn't it?"
"Just shut up, okay?" he looked at me like he's going to kill me and that was actually more than enough to stop me from talking. He looked at me again before he left the room.
So that was it; his mother had an affair with someone. Maybe I would judge her if I hadn't done it myself. But were her reasons same as mine? Was she looking for a bit of adventure or to fill that loneliness in her heart?
These were my reasons. I've never been alone in my whole life…there was always someone around me who loved me and cared about me. But when I got to this castle, I felt nothing but loneliness…emptiness…unless he's around.
It amazes me how I decided to care less about my husband when he's getting closer here. Suddenly it became less interesting…less interesting than Murtagh. Or did maybe Murtagh succeeded in making me believe no one will come to save me after so long…that they'll kill my husband when he comes here...and that would hurt me even more...was I preparing for his death? Trying to make it easier?
I sighed. I was thinking too much and that wasn't good. I didn't feel like being confused again.
Two nights later I had a dream or maybe a vision. It was the strangest thing I've ever seen, even considering all my weird dreams.
I saw myself walking through the halls of some strange castle. It was very dark and I followed the light coming from the end of one of the halls. There was something strange in the air, like a veil or mist.
When I reached the light, I found myself standing in one big room. I looked around. It didn't seem familiar to me. It was a really nice room; it had two large bookshelves, bed in the middle, two chairs and a desk in another corner and oh, a mirror! Yeah, that particular mirror.
"Hello, Amarantha." someone said behind my back and I turned around in panic. It was her! The woman I dreamed before! Murtagh's mother! I was astonished. She looked even more beautiful than before and she wore a long blue dress full of jewelry and other shiny things.
"Don't be afraid. I'm Selena." she said in a sweet voice. I was probably staring at her with my mouth opened because she seemed to be waiting for me to calm down.
"I'm dreaming." I said more to myself than to her.
"You are." she smiled "But I have to talk to you…"
"You have to talk with me?" I was surprised. The dream seemed even more real every moment.
"I want you to stay away from Murtagh." she said. I bit my lip not to laugh. Was that my conscience talking through the image of that beautiful woman? It had to be some crazy invention of my mind. There was just no normal explanation.
"Why?" I asked "Is it because I'm married? Or is it because what I've done is inexcusable?"
"Don't be silly." she smiled "It's not about your husband. Who cares about him anyway? It's something else I'm talking about…"
"I don't understand." I said. What was she talking about?
"When your husband comes to save you…don't tell him anything and leave with him! It's not important what he thinks or do you still love him." she said urgently "You have to leave. Galbatorix will let you go if you show him some crazy dream and tell him your visions don't work right. No one will be able to see this dream in your mind…danger…your child. "
I couldn't hear anymore what she was saying. Her body became transparent and soon everything disappeared. I opened my eyes completely shocked. Danger? My child? Will something happen to my daughter? Is that why I'm supposed to leave?
I had thousands of thoughts in my head when suddenly someone opened the door of my room. I looked in that direction and saw Murtagh.
"Are you alright?" he looked worried "You were screaming."
"What?" I looked at him in disbelief. I didn't remember any screaming. But suddenly I couldn't remember anything that had happened before Murtagh came into my room. I just remembered going to the bed, and that's it.
"You don't know why you were screaming?" he seemed to be even more surprised "Did you have a vision?"
"I…I don't know." I said "I don't remember anything."
"Did you have a nightmare?" he asked.
"I don't think so." I shrugged "Or at least I don't remember it."
"Oh. I thought you were in danger or something…" he said "…but I see you're fine. I just hope Galbatorix didn't hear you."
"Umm, yeah…that wouldn't be good, right?" I thought about the king for a second. He would probably get angry if he knew about this. It bothered me that I didn't remember anything! What happened?
"Well, since you're okay…" he looked at me and wanted to leave.
"Wait." I said "Could you stay with me, please? In case…"
"Yeah, sure." he said, coming closer to me and putting his arms around me. It felt wrong for some reason, but I couldn't really tell what it was. There was this strange feeling in my chest, like something bad is going to happen and it made me nervous.
However, I closed my eyes and tried to relax. I'll remember it if it was really something important.
Author's note: Amarantha's relationships could be similar to Selena's but it's more complex than that. It's just not the same situation.
