"For some reason touching your skin makes me nervous." I looked at Murtagh who was lying on the bed next to me. It was early morning and I didn't feel like getting up. I still couldn't remember anything from the last night. Maybe I lost my gift.
"Then why is your hand on my chest?" he smiled "Why did you ask me to stay?"
"I wanted you to stay." I said "I need you here."
"Do you need something else, princess?" he laughed.
"Princess?" I giggled "That would make me king's daughter…eww!"
"Not necessarily." he said "You could be the princess of some far fantasy land…because that's what I see in your head."
"What?" I raised an eyebrow.
"Your idea of perfect life is like a fantasy…unreal, impossible." he said "You're looking for something special…and you've never told that to anyone."
"Oh, well. My grandma used to tell me stories when I was little…one picture stayed in my mind forever." I said "Of course I still remember it but I don't believe it can come true. I'm not a child anymore."
"You're wrong." he smiled "You still hope that story is true. You hope there is a place somewhere which has everything you want."
"Umm, how is it possible you know more about me than I do?" I frowned "You don't know what you're talking about! My mind is probably not working right so you see wrong things!"
"Whatever you say." he said "You could tell me more about yourself so I don't have to read your mind."
"Hey!" I said "Don't read my mind! Just ask!"
"Ok. Do you love your daughter?" he looked into my eyes.
"Yes." I whispered "Why do you ask me that?"
"You don't think much of her…I mean, you do sometimes but only when something reminds you on her." he said.
"The only reason I don't think about her is because I would die of anxiety…" tears came to my eyes "Don't you know how it feels? Just to be away from her and think about it breaks my heart!"
"Well, you're really good at not thinking on her then." he shrugged.
"What are you trying to say?" I got upset "Are you trying to say I don't love her enough?"
"Would you leave her even if you knew she was in danger?" he looked at me "Would you leave her under any circumstances?"
"What?" I was confused "Leave her where? What are you talking about?"
"If you can manage not to think about her…could you live without her after some time? Would you forget her?" he asked.
"No! I could never do that! I will see her again and I'll never let anything happen to her!" I yelled. Something felt familiar about the word danger and my daughter, but why I couldn't remember what was it?
"Fine." he looked away from me.
"You don't have a child so you don't know how it is." I said quietly "A mother would never let anything happen to her child."
"Right." he sighed.
"Now I feel like crying because of you!" I said "Please, don't make this worse for me…I'm here only because something could happen to my daughter if I leave…I do enjoy part of being here so maybe it's not all for her…but still, you can't say I don't love her!"
"What part?" he smiled suddenly "This part right now?"
"Yes." I said as he gently kissed my neck.
"That's not nice actually…for others…" he laughed.
More days passed by and I didn't feel good. I had dreams at night but when I woke up, I couldn't remember a thing. It was so weird. Murtagh told me I had huge gaps in my memory. I was sure Galbatorix didn't like that.
"He's here." Murtagh came to my room one night; his face expressionless.
"Who's here?" I asked.
"Your husband." he said coldly.
"What?" I was shocked "He's what?"
"He was actually brave enough to come in front of the castle." Murtagh said "He says he won't leave without you. I ordered the guards not to kill him. But you should go talk to the king."
"Oh." I didn't know what to do. I finally decided to listen to Murtagh and talk to the king. It was the only option and it felt right.
"What do you want?" the king wasn't in the mood. I bit my lip and took a deep breath; this was the worst possible day for Dorian to come.
"My Lord." I bowed "I think you no longer need me. My visions don't work right anymore and…I would like to leave the castle."
"Oh, really?" he frowned. For a moment there was just silence. He was probably checking my mind for something. After he confirmed that what I'd been saying was true, he rolled his eyes.
"Whatever. You can go." he said indifferently.
"Thank you, my Lord." I said and almost ran out of the throne room. I was almost out of the castle when Murtagh caught my arm.
"Wait." he said coldly "There's no need to hurry."
"What? Let go of me!" I said "I'm free to go!"
"Yes, you are." he said as we walked closer and closer to my husband. I felt different emotions mix in me. I didn't know was it excitement, anxiety, happiness, sadness or whatever; I still couldn't feel it was really happening! Was I dreaming?
"Dorian!" I managed to break free of Murtagh's grip and ran to hug my husband. I almost jumped into his arms. My husband looked just the same, but his clothes were all dirty and ripped.
"Amarantha." he kissed me passionately.
"You came." I whispered. I was still shocked, overwhelmed.
"Of course I came." he said "I would do anything for you!"
"Can I go now?" I looked at Murtagh who just frowned.
"If you want." he looked at me; his look was so intense that he almost made me doubt my decision.
"Of course she wants!" Dorian didn't understand.
"I asked her." Murtagh looked at him angrily.
"You…!" Dorian's temper was about to get him in trouble again. I had to stop it.
"Wait!" I pulled my husband's arm and whispered "He's a Dragon Rider."
"Oh." I was glad he recognized the danger.
"I'm going now." I looked at Murtagh. I almost hoped he'll try to stop me, but he didn't say a thing. He just looked at me, pressed his lips together like he is trying to control himself, and went back to the castle.
"Oh, my love! Come with me! Elisabeth is waiting for you!" Dorian kissed me again and we started our journey back home.
It took Dorian months to find me, especially when he didn't know where I went and how to get to the castle. He told me how people had showed him wrong ways to go, so he got lost. However, he's never lost hope he'll find me.
I was glad it took us less time to reach home. I thought again I was dreaming when I took Elisabeth in my arms! She had grown so much! I felt like the happiest person in the world.
First few days family and friends came to see me and Dorian's story of how he saved me became one of the most popular in my village. It really seemed like a perfect romantic story and Dorian was bragging about it. But no one knew the truth; there was more of it.
One night when all guests left and Elisabeth was asleep, I was lying in the bed and thinking. Dorian put his arm around me and I moved away a bit.
"What's wrong, honey?" he was worried.
"Everything's fine." I said.
"You don't let me touch you." he said "I thought you need some time to recover, but…"
"That's not true." I said "I'm just as I always was."
"No, you're not." he said "I can see the difference."
"Huh." I didn't know what to say. Was I really acting differently? I wasn't sure.
"What did they do to you there?" he asked "Why did they take you away? You said you'll tell me when you're ready…"
"They took me away because they thought I can help them." I said "Later they realized they were wrong and you came…"
"I saw him looking at you! Did he do something to you? Tell me!" Dorian said desperately.
"I don't want to talk about it!" my head was spinning. I got up from the bed and ran out of the room. I needed some fresh air; I felt like choking. In the moment when Dorian reached me, I threw up.
"Amarantha! Are you alright?" Dorian asked "I'm sorry, honey. I'm sorry I upset you!"
"It's not your fault." I sighed.
"He touched you, didn't he?" Dorian got angry "Damn Dragon Rider! I should have come earlier! I'm sorry, honey!"
"He…" I wanted to lie, but when I saw Dorian's worried face I whispered "I slept with him."
"I knew it!" he was furious "How did he dare? I'm going to kill him! I don't care he's a Dragon Rider! I'll kill him!"
"Dorian, please." my whole body felt weak.
"How dares he touch my wife!" Dorian was still upset and I couldn't blame him.
"I'm sorry." I whispered and tears ran down my cheeks.
"No, no, honey. It's not your fault." Dorian kissed my forehead "That evil man didn't have any right…just because he's a Dragon Rider he thinks he can…"
"Don't, please." I cried. This was too much for me.
"I've heard about that Morzan's son while traveling!" Dorian kept talking "I could kill him right now with my own hands!"
"Shut up!" I suddenly yelled through tears "You can't do anything against him and there is no need for saying all that! It won't help!"
"Oh, honey! What did that evil…?" Dorian hugged me "I understand you don't want to talk about it!"
"He's not evil!" I pushed Dorian away from me. Tears were still streaming down my face but I felt angry for some reason.
"How can you say that after all he did to you?" Dorian was confused.
"Leave me alone." I said. He was making me sick. I didn't want to think. Everything seemed so wrong. My family was here and that was making me happy, but I didn't want Dorian to touch me…I wanted Murtagh here. I actually missed him and that scared me.
"Amarantha!" Dorian yelled after me as I ran out of the house into the rain.
I ran and ran; it didn't matter to me that I was all wet. I had no idea from where I got strength to run because I felt so weak like never before. Actually, I was sure that if I stopped, I would drop down to the ground...or maybe not.
There was some strange force pulling me forward. But where? I had no idea where I was going! My thoughts were a mess, but when they weren't? I was trying to clear my mind, but it was pointless.
Suddenly I stopped running. I felt like a ghost. My dress was wet; my face covered in tears. I looked in front of me and all I saw was darkness.
"A cliff." I smiled to myself. I took a step forward; my mind was full of images. Things that had happened passed in front of my eyes in a second. I just knew I wanted it to stop; I didn't want to think about anything. I just wanted to be happy.
I closed my eyes and shivered. I stood there, one step away from the abyss. In that moment I was the most selfish person in the world.
I made that step.
