The narrator shifts around nervously, as if determining it is alright to speak…
JS: 'Oy! Shut it, I don't need to hear ye narrating too!'
ES: 'Jack, who're talking too?'
JS: 'No one, 'Lizabeth.'
ES: 'Jack, you were just-'
Quiet.
ES: 'Why?'
I haven't even said 'welcome' yet, so stow it, yes?
JS: 'You can't say 'stow it' and then follow it up with 'yes', ye get it? 'Sides, ye just said welcome.'
I meant the introductions you two!
ES: 'Speaking of two, where's Will?'
I have no idea Elizabeth, probably sulking because I married him to Giselle.
JS: 'She ain't half bad of a woman. He don't know how good he got it!'
ES: 'Jack, he was engaged to me.'
JS: 'Sounding rather high up, aren't you Elizabeth?'
ES: 'I thought you didn't like calling me that!'
JS: 'Your name?'
You'd think that this far into the show, you two would know not to interrupt me, start other conversation, or not let me say the intro!
JS: 'Ye'd think that, but no. Can't we just skip them?'
Skip them? Are you mad? Wait, ignore that last part. No, I am not-
JS: 'Did ye know Lizzie, we're doing the Princess Bride?'
ES: 'Really?'
Damn it all Jack! That is a new low for you!
JS: 'No, actually, ye see-'
I'm sure neither of us want to know! Now let me say the damn intro!
ES: 'No.'
JS: 'Elizabeth?'
Yes, I'm shocked too. Please impart your wisdom and tell us why you just said that.
ES: 'It's a waste of time, this far in they really should know what's coming!'
JS: 'See! Everyone eventually comes to my side!'
Stop acting like that Jack, I refuse-
JS: 'C'mon luv, lets go get a new narrator!'
What?! You can't do that!
ES: 'We can do whatever we please.'
No you cannot!
JS: 'Then skip the damn intro!'
GHYAAAA!!!!!!!!!
JS: '…I think we broke her.'
ES: 'I think so too Jack.'
Well Jack, you should know this by now, if the narrator dies, the story never ends.
JS: 'Oh contraire Conscience! We'll simply get a new narrator!'
ES: 'Jack, I think you really should lie down.'
Yes, listen to her Jack. But first-
JS: 'I'm not bloody helping the bloody narrator!'
Actually, by default, I regenerate on my own accord.
JS: 'Tha's just creepy.'
You being wierded out is the least of my worries Jack. Act Four, Pirate Theater. Abridged Princess Bride. Act one, here we go.
ES: 'That was so dull and lifeless I think I'm going to die.'
JS: 'Can't agree with ye more Lizzie.'
Shut-up you two!
JS: 'It's alive!'
Very funny Jack.
ES: 'He is quite comical, isn't he?'
Elizabeth, whatever is going on in your mind now must stop. Now, to actually get to the story…
JS: 'Ye know, if ye keep pausing ye'll just leave us more room to interrupt ye.'
THE STORY. Now, there was a beautiful, but poor girl, who lived in some random village. Her name was Buttercup, but for some reason no one thought that it was an odd name. There was a boy in the village that Buttercup had doing all of her chores. And for some reason he didn't seem to mind.
JS: 'Not mind? How in the world do ye expect me to pull this role off?'
Get over it Jack, and just start saying 'yes' to everything Buttercup tells you to do.
ES: 'Hehehe…
Boy, do the dishes here and fetch me a lemonade while I sunbathe.
…C'mon Jack, hop to.'
JS: 'Ye monster Lizzie!…
As you command. (leaves dishes to soak and brings her lemonade)
…Doing those dishes is going to ruin me hands.'
ES: 'Ruin your hands?! Jack, how long have you been a pirate?'
JS: '…a while.'
ES: 'Fine, be elusive! But how are some dishes going to ruin your hands after years of seafaring?'
JS: 'Why are ye so quick to jump back into the pampered pet role when ye despised it so much?'
ES: '..I want you.'
JS: '(cough) 'Scuse me?'
Sorry, I was gone. Something about furthering the plot…? Anywho, both of them soon came to realize that his agreeing to her demands, and her demands, were really just forms of affection. After a ridiculous amount of time, they finally confessed to one another how in love they were. Unfortunately, Wesley, the boy, was incredibly poor.
ES: 'That doesn't sound too far off…'
JS: 'If yer bloody father hadn't taken away my jewels I'd be bloody rich!'
ES: 'Oh, are you still complaining about that? Honestly Jack, who do you think, in their right mind, would actually let you get hung covered in jewels?'
JS: 'Anyone else who had ever dreamed of dieing that way.. So every man on Earth.'
ES: 'That is not true-'
Truth and non-truths aside, you two need to stop. Or I shall do the unthinkable.
JS: 'These bloody plays are the unthinkable.'
Oh no. I shall do far worse.
JS: 'Oh?'
I'll change the ending.
JS: 'What?!'
ES: 'But, but… you can't do that! I actually read the Princess Bride! You can't change the end!'
Mhmuhahaha.
JS: 'When ye pull off that laugh so easily 's unnerving.'
Good, now will you two behave?
ES: '..yes.'
JS: 'Fine.'
Now Wesley sailed out to make his fortune.
JS: 'Hey, I like this bloke now.'
In order to get married.
JS: 'Oh..'
But it wasn't long until Buttercup received news that his ship had been attacked and he and the crew killed.
ES: 'Crap.'
Commentary is not behaving.
ES: 'Oh.. Uh…
Oh no! (sob)
…how's that?'
Terribly heart felt. Now, some time later the prince of the kingdom decided he wanted to get married, and having heard of how pretty Buttercup was, decided on her. Having no will left she allowed herself to be put into the engagement.
ES: 'I'm marrying the prince, why am I sad?'
WT: 'You should only be happy when with me.'
Good God. We've dawdled so long Will came out of hiding. That's it. That's the final straw.
JS: 'Uh oh..'
Little did Buttercup know, but her prince planned to kill her and stage the murder as an act from the opposing kingdom in the world. One day, while out riding, some people kidnapped her, killed her, and left her body on some rocks.
The end.
ES: 'That was poignant and depressing.'
JS: 'I think death has affected our fair narrator.'
Indeed, and now, all of you must embark on an epic quest to restore the narrator, or be lost to a perpetual downward spiral in which only melancholy stories are told!
JS: Bugger.
THE END
A/N Any who have not read/seen Princess Bride should do so. I really don't do it justice here.. Also I've changed the story's name and gone back to the old chapters and fixed them so that the initials of the person talking come up before their lines. Some people mentioned it was hard to follow who was talking so I finally got around to making it easier.
Next (act, story, chapter?) THE EPIC QUEST TO RESTORE THE NARRATOR! And, oh ya. I'm back to updating this story. Crazy eh?
