My Never
Chapter 4
Well, I don't have much to say besides here's the next chapter. I'm currently hiding from my family who is visiting. They are crazy. Plus my house is so full that our living room is covered in cots and sleeping bags. Not to mention all the other rooms or the guest room. So, I'm uploading. I don't own GA. But enjoy.
Addison ~ Mt. Sinai Hospital ~ 3 years, 5 months ago
Addison sat alone in the brownstone, holding a picture of Derek and her at their wedding. She set the picture on her eight month pregnant belly. "Here's your father, baby. He isn't here right now. I wish he was, but he isn't. He would probably love you, though. I love you. And I love him. You were conceived out of love, even if it wasn't reciprocated."
Addison thought she remembered the day her baby was conceived. It had been about a month before prom. Derek had come back from work tired and angry. He had slipped into bed next to her and just started kissing her. She was surprised but glad that her husband was finally showing her some affection.
She was even more surprised when he yanked her pajama top off, and followed it quickly with her pajama bottoms and panties. Then he undressed himself and slipped inside her with no further foreplay.
It had been wild and rough and full of pent up emotion. Addison's head had rested on Derek's shoulder, and she pressed little butterfly-light kisses to his neck and back. He hadn't noticed, he had just kept up his unrelenting pace. He was having sex. But she was making love, and she remembered thinking that if only she loved him enough, some of her love would be transported to him and he would love her back.
It hadn't worked that way, though. She had tried to talk to him and cuddle him afterwards, but he fell right asleep. She remembered how empty she had felt, and how desperate, and how alone, even though there had been a person lying right beside her.
It was like she was invisible, and he could see right through her. Right on through her to Meredith Grey.
He was probably with Meredith right at that moment. Was she laughing with him? Kissing him? Telling him all of her dramatic problems, or about her latest surgery? Was she telling him she loved him? Was he telling her he loved her back?
Addison knew that she wasn't over him. She hadn't been on a date since she got here, even before her pregnancy was evident. And even with the baby, she had been asked out twice last week. Once at Starbucks, and the other time by a cute male nurse. But it didn't feel right, especially carrying Derek's baby. She knew that every time she kissed anyone, she would think of him.
She had debated about calling Mark, but knowing him, and being in this depressed state, he would probably get the truth about the pregnancy out of her, and then he would be honor bound to tell Derek. And Derek was happy without his pregnant ex-wife. So she didn't pick up the phone.
Slowly Addison got up and walked to the nursery. It was painted light lavender. She was pretty sure that the baby was a girl. She would be happy with either a girl or a boy, but she kind of hoped it was a girl, so she wouldn't have to repaint the nursery. She insisted to Nancy though, her OB, that she wanted it to be a surprise.
It had been harder than she expected, doing the pregnancy thing alone. She had a few friends at Mt. Sinai, but nobody super close. She bought her own ginger ale, threw up all by herself, and went to her prenatal appointments alone. She was a strong person and she knew she could do it, but even with Savvy and Nancy's help it was hard.
The rest of the Shepherd family all thought she should tell Derek, but Addison was hesitant. She had seen the way he looked at Meredith. Despite all he had done to her, she loved him enough that she only wanted his happiness. She knew it didn't make sense, but when you love someone that much, it often doesn't.
Derek ~ Seattle Grace ~ present
"Okay, Derek, I put her stuff in the mail. There's a lot of it. I shipped it to the trailer, so try to be there to sign off on it, okay?"
"Alright, Sav," Derek said into the phone while trying to keep an eye on Devony. He was taking his daughter to his home for the first time ever. "Is she always . . . this much of a handful?"
"Yup," said Savvy, laughing. "The only one who had any measure of control over Devony was Addison. With anyone else, she's a wild child."
"I don't know how to do this, Savvy," Derek said quietly.
Savvy sighed. "I know, Derek. It'll be hard, there's no doubt about that. But I know you, and I believe you can do this. There's nobody better for Devony right now."
"I wish I had been there, for everything."
"You can't go back and change what's already happened, but you can go forward and be there now."
"Yeah . . ."
"Call me if you need anything. Devony hates crust, so you have to cut it off and cut her sandwiches diagonally. Let her watch a Disney movie before bed if you need to calm her down. Make sure her outfits match, or she'll throw a fit. Her favorite type of ice cream is birthday cake, her favorite color is purple, and her favorite food is macaroni."
"Thanks, Sav." Derek blinked rapidly, suddenly feeling like he was going to cry. "Addison . . . I can't believe – she can't be . . . how did this happen, Savvy? It's not fair."
"I know, Derek, believe me. You just have to believe she's going to be okay. It's the only thing that keeps me going."
"I have to go," Derek said, wiping a tear off his cheek quickly. "Bye Sav."
"Bye, Derek. Call me again tomorrow, or if you have any problems tonight."
"Daddy! I want . . . to go . . .watch . . . the doctors!" Devony said, trying to pull away from him as he hung up the phone.
"Devony, we have to go home now. I'll show you my house – it's in the woods, like Sleeping Beauty," Derek told her, his voice pleading.
"No! I want to find mommy! Where's mommy?" Devony screamed, starting to cry. Derek took her in his arms. She struggled for a minute, and then relaxed. "I want mommy," she sobbed.
Derek stroked her hair gently. "I know," he whispered. "I know, I know, I know." A few minutes later she finally calmed down, and Derek lifted her, tucking her against his hip. He was surprised at how natural it was to him, being Devony's dad, as if it was something he was always meant to do.
"Hey, man, how's it going with the kid there?" Mark asked, walking over to them.
"Okay," Derek said.
Mark hesitated. "She reminds me so much of Addison, but she looks like Evelyn too, you know. She looks like all three of you," Mark whispered.
"I know, Mark, but do you really think that makes this any easier?"
Addison ~ Mt. Sinai Hospital ~ 3 years, 4 months ago
"I can't – I can't do this," Addison sobbed. "I can't.
"Yes, you can, Addie," Savvy encouraged, squeezing her hand.
"On three, Addison, I need you to push," Nancy said.
"I can't do it alone!" Addison yelled. "I can't, I can't."
"Come on, Addie. Push for your baby. You can do this."
Two hours later, Addison held a teeny baby girl in her arms. She lifted the baby's head to press a kiss to her damp black curls. "Devony," she said. "Devony Sadiyah Montgomery Shepherd."
Derek and Devony. The two people she loved the most in the world.
Review!
:D
