Hell was horrible, cold, dark, hot, bright, hell it was a lot of things, but that's not what bothered him, what hurt him on the inside, what filled him with guilt and fear, what tugged at his soul and made him the way he was. It's what happened to him what he did while he was in hell. And nothing was worse than that.
For thirty years in hell time, he was tortured and the last ten years, well, he decided to do things differently on his own.
He remembered the torture all too well and he wished that he didn't, what Alistair, Lilith, and all the other demons did to him. He wished that the memory would just go away, that he would be able to just forget all of it, erase his memory of his in hell, and move on, but that couldn't happen, not even if he wanted it to.
Alistair, carved him, cut him, tortured him each day. And at the end of the day he was hole again, just like magic. And then the next day the torture started again, It was a never ending cycle of torture. One that he would never forget and one that he could still feel, deep on the inside.
Lilith too helped in on the torture, but she tortured him differently, emotionally, mentally….things that he would never forget….and he believed her most of the time. Things she told him like. "Your brother murdered all those people Dean, Sam is a murderer and you know, he's going to embrace his destiny, and become one of us, just like what was planned, and there's no way you can stop it, no way anyone can stop it"
And all the other demons, stared….watched…..and laughed at his pain….his torture.
He went through that horrible torture for thirty years, day after day, year after year, same thing over and over again. Then he when he couldn't take it anymore, he finally snapped.
Those last twenty years while he was in hell, he tortured, and ripped apart other souls, they screamed in terror as they begged him to stop. But he didn't care, he didn't listen, he wanted them to feel the same pain that he felt, go through the same torture he went through. Wanted them to feel the same way he felt.
He was in hell for about forty years, and what happened to him and what he did….he will never forget it as long as he lives, but he made it out, he survived hell, and that was a new one for him, but it is as one of the things he will never forget.
"Dean…I had no idea…" Sam said looking at his brother.
"Trust me Sammy, everything that I've ever been through, mom's death, dad's death, every little single thing, is not as bad as this. The feeling that you have, the pain, the guilt, the fear, of what you've done, can never be forgotten Sammy, it can never be forgiven"
"But you need to forgive yourself Dean, you did what you had to do….you did what you needed to do In order to survive there's nothing you could've done"
"I'm sorry Sammy, but you don't understand, you won't, and I'm sorry…I can't make you, I don't think I will ever be able to either"
