My Never
Chapter 14

This is definitely a long one. Probably the longest yet. Oh well, a lot has to happen. A lot is going to be happening in the next few chapters ...
I also warn you that Addison's flashback in this chapter is rather dark. Yes, you finally get to know what happened to her. It isn't pretty, however, so here's your warning because I didn't want to bump the rating. Definitely some discussion of mature subject matter.


Derek ~ the trailer ~ present

"Mer?" Derek asked, walking in the trailer with his daughter. She was still slightly green from the day before. He'd seen Meredith's car outside.

"Hey," she called from the bedroom. "I didn't know where you were, which, I guess, is what I should expect these days."

Derek sighed. "I took Devony to the movies. I shouldn't have to check with you to be able to do that."

She ignored that comment. "A woman called today, while I was waiting here for you. She asked about Devony. Said her name was Bizzy? Bizzy Montgomery? Addison's mother, I assume. Yeah, well, I talked to her and she guessed who I was. Gave me a lecture about sleeping with other people's husbands."

"You talked to Bizzy?" Derek asked, horrified.

"Yeah, she's a freaking ray of sunshine, isn't she? She would've gotten along with my mother, and we all know what a joy she was. Anyway, she asked how you were balancing your job and your kid, and I told her how you were trying to watch her at the hospital while still doing surgeries. She's said she's coming out here."

"Why the hell would you say those things, Meredith!? You have no idea what you've done. Bizzy could try to get custody. Do you know how horrible Addison's childhood was? Do you even care? Because I don't think you do. You could get my daughter taken away from me!" Derek yelled.

"I was just trying to help!" Meredith screamed back.

Devony started to cry, her wide eyes flashing back and forth between Derek and Meredith. Derek knelt down beside her. "Devony, I need you to go into the bedroom, okay? Go play with your toys. I bought you a new Littlest Pet Shop toy. It's a seahorse, and I was going to save it for a surprise, but why don't you go get it now? I hid it in the dresser." She nodded tearfully and wrapped her arms around his neck. He gave her a quick hug and she walked slowly into his room.

Derek stood up. "Maybe you were trying to help, Meredith, but that wasn't all you were doing. You're not ready for a kid, so you thought that maybe Addison's mother would come here and take Devony, and then we could ride off into whatever stupid sunset you were imagining! I explained to you that I was taking care of Devony, and I explained why. You had no right to do what you did," he said, his voice quiet with suppressed rage.

"Did you ever think that that could be what's best for Devony?" Meredith asked.

"I'M WHAT'S BEST FOR DEVONY!" Derek yelled. "Not Addison's mother, who didn't give a shit about either of her kids, or Addison's father, who hit her as a kid."

Meredith took a step back, wordless apologies in her eyes. "I didn't – I didn't know," she whispered. "I didn't know that about Addison. And she has a sibling?"

"Yeah, her brother Archer ended up in the hospital one time from trying to protect her from that bastard. Bizzy didn't even have the decency to divorce him to save them."

He looked at Meredith, really looked at her, for the first time in years. "I don't know you," he realized. "I know you had a bad childhood too, and that you have commitment issues. I get that. I get that far too much because I was the one who helped Addison overcome that. But, Meredith ... this hasn't been working for a long time now. We've both been ignoring that fact, but it's time to stop now. I wanted to fix you. I wanted us to be right, but we're not."

"No, Derek! You can't break up with me now! We're not breaking up! Everybody has problems. We can get through this!" Meredith yelled desperately.

"No, we can't. Not when my daughter is afraid of you. You never even talk to her. Izzie, Alex, and George, your friends, they all help watch her at the hospital. Even Cristina did once. But you're always too busy. What if she was our kid, Meredith? Would you have time then? What if it had been you pregnant instead of Addison? Would you have kept the baby?"

Meredith didn't answer. Derek watched silently as she broke down. He felt bad, he truly did, but that was part of the problem. People in a relationship had to be equal. One couldn't always be repairing the other, and one couldn't always be chasing. So, he had to ask himself why he was still with Meredith. The truth? He hadn't wanted to hurt her again. But when he thought about it, he realized that Meredith was the one breaking up with him over the years, while he continued to follow her. It wasn't fair, and it wasn't right, but Derek had been doing it for the simple reason that he did not know what else to do. He had done it to keep himself from chasing after Addison and disturbing her new world.

He remembered, nearly four years ago now, buying a plane ticket to New York, after he and Meredith had broken up the first time. He remembered going all the way to the airport, all the way to the gate, and standing by the window, watching the planes.

He almost boarded that plane. He should have. But he didn't. Addison had pretty much said she never wanted to see him again, and Derek had tried to respect that. He wished he hadn't.

If he had boarded that plane, and gone to New York like he was picturing, what would he have found? His nine month pregnant ex-wife, her belly huge and round with his child. And she would have hated him at first and slammed the door in his face but he wouldn't have given up. And eventually she would have forgiven him because they were DerekandAddison, no matter how many nights he had to sleep on her doorstep. He could have a family. Maybe they'd even have more kids. Maybe they'd visit Evelyn together. Maybe she wouldn't be missing. If only.

Meredith had allowed him to escape from the haunting regrets of his past, which were, unfortunately, many. She took away the rage-inducing image of his best friend and his wife naked on his bed. She helped him forget the look on Addison's face as he left. She allowed him to forget the vows he took to love Addison forever, and the way he'd ignored her in New York and mistreated her in Seattle. She gave him relief when he looked at his daughter and cursed himself for not being there for her. But she was like a blanket over his large problems, a blanket that eventually had to be pulled away so he could face the world for what it was and deal with it as best he could. That blanket was a comfort from harsher realities, but only a temporary one.

But now. Oh, but now, that didn't matter. She needed him. Addison needed him, and Devony needed him. There was never any contest. He picked her the first time, and he was picking her again. Whatever it took, he was going to do it. She wasn't going to trust him, or want him back, so it was going to be a long, hard road. Derek didn't mind.

Addison saved him. She was his light at the end of a dark tunnel, a little spot of heaven amidst hell. He needed to break up with Meredith.

"Meredith," said Derek softly. Even after all they'd both said and done, he didn't want to hurt her. "I'm not saying this to hurt you." I've used that one before, he mused. When I was telling Addison I still loved Meredith. And now I'm telling Meredith I still love Addison. How ironic. "I really, really don't want to hurt you. But this relationship has been nothing more than a hope and a scam for a long time now."

Meredith looked like she was about to punch him, and he smiled sadly, remembering his comment about her tiny ineffectual fists. "No. You are not giving up now. I won't let you! You need time, I get it. I'll give you time. We can take a break. Just a break," she said quickly, walking towards the door. "That's all this is."

"I'm sorry, Mer," Derek called as she ran out to her car. "But it's over. You don't want this. You think you do, right now, but you don't." She pretended she didn't hear him, but Derek knew that she had. "It's over," he whispered to himself, and a huge weight was lifted from his shoulders. He felt freer than he had in years. Now he could focus on the one thing truly important to him: Finding his ex-wife and the love of his life.


Addison ~ unknown location ~ present

It could have been hours, days, months, years, or decades. When she was actually conscious, she was still never able to tell how much time had passed.

The world was black. Occasionally there were pricks of light; when someone opened a door, thoughts of Derek, a few minutes where she couldn't feel the pain, the few seconds of sun when they switched buildings. Figurative and literal light blurred together, and light was like diamonds in a pig trough in the most godforsaken country.

Sometimes she wondered if she'd died and gone to hell. The filthy, dark warehouse where she was kept was too hot, too cold, and stank to high heaven of sweat, vomit, urine, and every other unpleasant human smell her muddled brain could think of. When she actually managed to hold onto consciousness when she found it, she heard the screams of the women they tortured without a care in the world. The pain was enough to damn herself to hell. What on earth could cause pain like that?

She wasn't exactly sure what she had done to get to hell. Besides, there was no pit of flames, and no devil, although plenty of his accomplices. Maybe it had been cheating on Derek. Or aborting Mark's baby. Those were her worst crimes in her mind. Did they really make her a bad person in God's eyes? She was sorry, so sorry for them. She was a doctor. She helped people. She loved her daughter, her friends, and her ex-husband.

No, she didn't actually think it was hell, although it felt like it sometimes. That was when she actually had feeling. Whatever drugs they pumped into her usually sent her spinning into dreams that were so freakish she woke up screaming. Meth, cocaine, marijuana, ecstasy, the date rape drug, they had plenty of all of it, as they were drug dealers. The warehouse served as their stash for more than just kidnapped women. She thought that maybe if the drugs didn't make the world so confusing, she would be able to figure out what was happening. But she was often kept unconscious, and when she woke it was in seemingly permanently bewildered state or else covered in sweat and completely panicked.

Her last clear memory was of LAX airport. After that, she had a few recollections of the van she'd traveled in for days and the six men who'd accompanied her. She remembered them breaking her leg in a sharp flash of pain. She remembered them plunging the knife in her shoulder for fun. She remembered hands creeping up her ripped top and reveling in her shivers. She remembered trying to escape on her broken leg at a gas station and not waking up until days later. The rest was just a painful blur, except for one incident.

When Addison was able to open her eyes, she always saw the lumps of the bodies of women surrounding her, proof that she wasn't alone. They screamed in the night when they were raped, and variations of, "Shut up, bitch!" always echoed throughout the warehouse. They did it to her too, although she rarely remembered it. The first time, she waited for nights in terror of her turn, but she'd been unconscious, she supposed, when they started. When the cover of her dreams slipped away, she remembered the cold metal of a gun being pressed to her head in addition to one of them pounding their hips into hers, as brutally as possible. Then she'd faded out again. That was the first time. Many more followed, but she was always stuck between the worlds of dreams and reality when they targeted her.

Several times, she knew she'd been close to death. Sometimes, she even wished for it to end, when she could wish at all. Only thoughts of Derek and Devony kept her sane.

Sometimes she imagined him. He was always beside her, stroking her hair gently, whispering soothing phrases, telling her it was going to be all right. He smiled his bright smile, favoring her with the McDreamy look, and she could never help smiling back, despite her bloodied and bruise covered face. She tried to touch his crisp blue shirt, or his perfectly styled waves before remembering her hands were tied. And that he was with Meredith.

The only time she'd cried throughout the whole ordeal was when apparition Derek had been yelling at her, telling her she was a filthy whore and she deserved it. That had hurt worse than anything they had done to her, and luckily it had only happened once.

Evelyn, her beautiful dark haired angel, came with Derek sometimes. She was always suffused in light. "It's okay, mommy," she'd whisper, kneeling beside her half-dead mother. Each time she came Addison thought Evelyn was going to take her with her, but she'd always say, "Hold on a little longer, mom. For dad. Just a little longer. You can do it." Occasionally she saw Devony too. Once the Dream-Devony had left Pluffie with her. Mark came a few times. One time a translucent white child stood behind him, watching her, his eyes big and pitiful, as if asking why she hadn't wanted him. She also saw a man she'd never met, a man who'd died long before she'd gotten the chance to meet him. Still, he looked exactly like Derek. "Hold on for my son," he told her. "He'll be devastated if you die. Please, don't hurt him." She tried her best to listen to them all, even when the blackness threatened to overwhelm her.

All she could do was hope Derek had Devony. That he had agreed to take her despite not even knowing she existed. That he would make her laugh, and wipe her tears when she cried, and run with her in the tall green grass outside the trailer. It would be the perfect place to catch fireflies. And when her daughter realized something was wrong, that her mother might not be able to come back to get her, she hoped it was Derek stroking her long back tresses, almost exactly the same shade as his. Devony would understand far more than she should at age three, Addison knew that. And if she didn't make it she hoped that at least Devony would know that she loved her. If this was the last segment of her life, she was going to spend it picturing the two people she loved most. Hopefully he'd take her to Disneyland. She'd been dying to go, but Addison was worried she'd be too short for all the rides and she'd throw a fit or bite the workers or something. Hopefully he'd show her the pictures of their wedding before he walked her down the aisle someday. Hopefully he'd tell his redheaded grandkids that their crimson locks were from their grandmother.

So she endured. Memories, some invented, of Derek and Devony allowed her to endure. She endured the lack of food, the scant supply of water, occasional molest, and the torture of being unable to help the severely hurt women around her.

The days were all so the same that she never expected change. But today, or perhaps tonight, was different. The men were in a panic, and they were packing their captives and drugs into the vans and leaving. There was a mix of languages, English, Spanish, and a few others. Addison knew enough Spanish to determine they were heading into Central America and to South America to avoid detection by the American police. Mashed between several bodies, she felt the last of her hope leak out of her as they headed farther and farther away from rescue.


Derek ~ Seattle Grace ~ present

Derek hands were shaking uncontrollably under the conference table at the hospital. Devony's head rested against his chest. He could see a little bit of blue through the slits of her barely open eyes. It was just past three in the morning. He knew she was exhausted, they'd been at the hospital all day, but just when they'd been about to leave, Richard had said the police had new information. He knew Mark, Miranda, and Richard were receiving the same information he was about to hear in another room. From the looks on their faces, it wasn't good.

"Dr. Shepherd, I think you'll be happy to hear there have been some advances in Addison Montgomery's case. We think her disappearance is linked to several other disappearances, all women, across the country. We also have a suspect who has been arrested for similar crimes but never convicted," one of the policemen told him.

"Maybe it's best that the child doesn't hear this," another policeman interrupted.

"I agree. Dr. Shepherd, is there anywhere your daughter can go?"

"I can take her," a voice said from the doorway. Derek turned to see Miranda Bailey and her son. She had a pitying look in her eyes.

"Tuck!" Devony said excitedly, turning to see her friend.

"Dev, do you want to go to Tuck's house? Daddy has to talk to the police," Derek told her. She nodded, and he handed her backpack to Miranda. He watched her walk out, and then turned slowly back to face the police, his entire body shaking now.

"We have no proof that Addison is still alive, but we also don't know that she's dead. Although we're closer, she's been missing for four and a half months, so don't get your hopes up, Dr. Shepherd."

Derek nodded, feeling as if he were in a dream. This wasn't happening, was it? He was dreaming. Addison was fine, right? He'd wake up and find out the last four and a half years had been a dream. Addison would be walking down the hall. He'd hear her from a mile away because of her ridiculous heels. He would do better. He would apologize. Just please, please, please let this be a dream . . .

He should be so lucky.

Of course it wasn't a dream.

"We guess that the suspect is working with many others, and that they're running some sort of black market drug business, but he's the only one we've been able to identify. He has been linked to gang activity, drug manufacture and sale in the past, as well as human trafficking."

"What's that?" Derek asked in a small voice before he could stop himself. He was sure whatever the answer was, it was bad.

"I'm so sorry, Dr. Shepherd. I'm sure Addison didn't deserve this."

"What is it?" Derek asked again.

"We don't even know if Addison is with her original kidnappers anymore . . ."

"WHAT HAPPENED TO HER?" Derek yelled, getting angry.

"Human trafficking, specifically sex trafficking . . . well, they kidnap women and . . . sell them as sex slaves or force them into prostitution."

"No," Derek whispered. "No, no, no, no, no, no. That didn't happen to Addison. It didn't. It didn't. It didn't." It was all he could do to deny it. To even accept the fact that it might be true . . . was beyond him.

"We don't know for sure if that's what happened, but if it is, then we don't know if Addison's been sold yet or exactly what's happened to her. However, we're following a new lead down to Mexico. That's what we came to tell you."

"But . . . I thought they usually targeted young victims for that sort of thing," Derek protested. He felt sick. This was all his fault. He should have been there to protect her.

"They usually do. But Derek, think about it. They didn't know how old Addison was; it was dark when they took her. And no offense, but I've seen pictures. Your ex-wife is extremely attractive. They make the most money off the pretty ones."

"Shut up!" Derek snapped. "Shut up, shut up, shut up! This isn't happening. You're lying! You should have . . . you could have found her sooner. If she's dead, I swear to god I'll . . ." He paused. Unable sit still, much less in the room with people who had told him he might never see Addison again, not to mention that she was in grave danger in addition to possibly being raped and used, he ran out to the front of the hospital, where he lost his dinner next to the wall. He felt a hand on his shoulder and jerked around to find Richard.

Addison was like Richard's daughter, Derek knew that. The man looked haunted. Derek thought about how he would feel if something even remotely similar happened to Devony, and once again lost the battle with his stomach.

"It isn't fair," he whispered to Richard. "This isn't happening." The two men stood and watched the sun rise as the hours blurred together. The cold morning air had numbed him inside and out. But there was something about the sun peeking over the distant buildings . . . he thought that Addison might never get to see it again. Never. Never was too long a time.

He sank to his knees, his body shaking with pent up emotion as sobs wracked his frame. He wasn't sure how long he cried. Eventually he was aware of Mark and Richard hauling him up and ducking under his arms to drag him into the hospital. They both looked like they felt almost as bad as he did, but he couldn't think about that. News traveled fast. The horrified faces of Meredith, Izzie, George and numerous other doctors flashed past him as he was pulled through Seattle Grace, no longer able to function on his own. He could see that the entire hospital knew the possible plight of his ex-wife. They left him to curl up in a hospital bed in an empty room. Eventually Devony joined him. She snuggled up to his side, and he held her while she slept, trying to cry quietly so she wouldn't wake up.


Yes, rather dark, I know. And not so pleasant. But the only way that Addison wouldn't return to Devony was if she absolutely couldn't. Anyway the police are getting closer . . . (hint hint)
I hope nobody was confused by Addison's flashbacks. The one in the last chapter (13) was just her getting kidnapped several months ago. The one in this chapter was what was happening right now. If you want to know more about sex trafficking you can look it up on the internet, but once again I warn you of what you might find. I didn't want to go into too much detail since this is, after all, rated T, but it is a terrible thing that really does happen.
And so I leave you until next time, with those lovely, happy (not) thoughts swirling around your brains ... I apologize :)