My Never
Chapter 15

Gosh I know it has been forever … I'm super-sorry. I hope the Spanish below isn't too confusing. It was a middle-of-the-night idea to set the scene or something, I don't even know anymore. Also I suck at Spanish. Anyway, just read the translations.
And we have a reappearance of an old character in addition to getting to meet a new one. Now read already :D (If you haven't already decided to skip this, lol)


Mexico ~ present

Under the insistent, flaming Mexican sun five children ran to find relief in their favorite river. The sandy, orange ground flew away beneath their feet and sweat dripped from their brows. Their parents were all taking siestas, and they finally had a break from their various chores to go rafting.

"¡Date prisa, Paco, o nosotros no llegaremos al río hasta mañana!"
"Hurry up, Paco, or we won't get to the river until tomorrow!" Ricardo yelled back at his little brother.

"¡Trato de correr rápidamente, Ricardo, pero usted y Lola y Fabian y Sebastian todo tiene piernas más largas!"
"I'm trying to run fast, Ricardo! But you and Lola and Fabian and Sebastian all have longer legs!"

"¡Somos casi allí, Paco, yo puedo ver el río!"
"We're almost there, Paco. I can see the river."

¡Por último! ¡Estoy tan caliente que my ojos cocinando! ¡Tú es muy lento, Paco!"
"Finally! I'm so hot that my eyeballs are frying! You are so slow, Paco!"

"¡Mira, Ricardo, Sebastian, y Fabian! ¿Qué es eso?
"Look, Ricardo, Sebastian, and Fabian! What is that?"

"Es una mujer."
"It's a woman."

"¡Mira, Ricardo! ¡Su cabello es rojo, como chiles!"
"Look, Ricardo! Her hair is red, like chili peppers!"

"Cállate, Paco."
"Shut up, Paco."

"¿Está ella muerta?"
"Is she dead?"

All five children knelt around the woman's broken, still body. Ricardo, the oldest, gingerly picked up her wrist and felt for a pulse. The other children waited anxiously. Paco carefully touched her tangled red hair, as if to be sure she was real.

"No sé."
"I don't know."

"Necesitamos ayuda. Ricardo, toma Paco y va encuentra alguien. Permaneceremos aquí con ella."
"We need to get help. Ricardo, take Paco and get someone. We'll stay with her."

Ricardo heaved his younger brother onto his back and took off running into the desert, his earlier complaints all but forgotten.

"Vamos, hermanito. Ahora debemos ir realmente rápidamente."
"Come on, little brother. Now we really must go fast."

Thousands of miles away, in a city with more rain than sun, more depended on the speed of Ricardo's footsteps than he and his brother would ever know.


Derek ~ a dance studio

Derek sat in the waiting room of the dance studio, trying to look like he was absorbed in a magazine. He avoided the stares of the desperate single mothers. He had talked Devony in to taking dancing once a week by telling her that all princesses knew how to dance. The class wasn't exactly ballroom or ballet, more like hip-hop, but it was the best he could find. Addison would have found something better, he thought, but then quickly jerked his thoughts away from his ex-wife. He needed to learn to do this himself now, in case she never came back. It had been two weeks since he'd received the news and broken down. Each day he pulled himself together a little more.

Suddenly he heard a commotion and his head snapped up quickly. What could Devony possibly have done in dance class?

"Dr. Shepherd?" the receptionist asked a minute later. The single mothers stared at him even more intensely when she said the word 'doctor.' Great, he thought.

"Yes?" he asked the receptionist, but Devony answered his question a second later.

"I HATE Hannah Montana!" she yelled at the top of her lungs, stomping down the hall from the dance room.

Derek hurried over to her. "Dev? Are you okay? What happened?"

"I hate this dance class, daddy. We have to dance to Hannah Montana songs, and I hate her."

"Oh. I thought you bit someone again. What's the matter with Hannah Montana? Lots of girls your age like her."

"Well, I hate her. Mommy said to Savvy that she was an obnoxious slut," Devony said haughtily.

"You don't even know what that means," Derek laughed. Devony stuck her tongue at him. "What exactly happened, Dev?"

"I'll tell you what happened!" The frizzy haired dance teacher stomped out with her finger pointed at Derek. "Everything was fine, all the girls were all ready to dance, but the minute I turned the music on your daughter started screaming. I paused it and asked her what was wrong, but all she said was that she hated Hannah Montana, and all the other girls started crying!"

Derek sighed. The sight of the crazy, angry dance teacher was pretty funny, but he knew it would be inappropriate to burst out laughing. Instead, he said, "She's been having a hard time. Some stuff happened with her mother, and then she had to move out here and . . ."

"I don't care," the teacher snapped. "I don't ever want you guys coming back to my class again."

"Fine," Derek said, taking Devony's hand. "Dev, we're going. And for the record," he said, glaring at the teacher, "I hate Hannah Montana too."

The drive back to the trailer in the rain was silent. Devony played with her toys on the seat beside her, and Derek tried not to think. There was too much he didn't want to think about. "Please don't be dead, Addie," he whispered softly to the heavens.

"Daddy!" Devony shrieked.

"What!?" Derek asked, slamming his foot down on the brakes.

"A deer, daddy! A deer is out there!" Derek followed her gaze out through the pouring rain. Before he could do anything more than make out the faint outline of an animal in the rain, Devony had unbuckled her seatbelt and was opening the car door. Derek quickly got out too and grabbed his daughter's hand as she hurried over to the deer.

"Is it dead, daddy?" she asked, bending over it. He caught the slight movement of the deer's chest.

"No, baby, it's hurt."

"Do we take it to the vet?" Devony wanted to know.

"No, we'll just call someone."

"But, daddy . . ." she whined. "What if it gets more hurt?"

Derek sighed. "Fine. Okay. I'll put it in the back. Alright?" She nodded. He wouldn't have normally given in to deer rescuing, but he thought Devony needed some hope, something to hang on to, in case he had to tell her that her mother was joining her sister. Luckily, he knew a vet.

"Dr. Shepherd! How are you doing? I haven't seen you since . . ."

"Doc," Derek finished for Finn Dandridge.

"Actually, I was thinking when she picked you, but that works too," Finn said. Derek could tell he was attempting to make his voice sound light. "So what are you doing here?" he asked.

"Well, my daughter forced me to rescue a deer. I was just going to call someone, but she wanted to make sure it was okay and everything . . ." Finn raised his eyebrows but followed him out to the truck. Devony was whispering to the deer, which appeared to be sleeping. Or maybe stunned. He wasn't an animal expert, after all.

"Oh. Um . . ." Finn seemed at a loss for words when he saw Devony. "Is that . . .?"

Derek knew what he was asking, although Finn was unable to finish his sentence. He was asking if Derek had the audacity to bring Meredith's daughter with him. "No, this isn't her child," he said, and Finn understood what he meant. "Devony, this is Dr. Dandridge. He's a vet. Finn, my daughter Devony."

Finn was studying Devony. "She's your ex-wife's child, isn't she?" he asked a minute later. Derek nodded. "I always liked her. Where is she?" Derek closed his eyes in sudden pain. Finn got the hint and didn't push farther.

"Bad men took her," Devony informed Finn. "They took her far, far away and she isn't coming back."

"What are you talking about, she isn't coming back?" Derek demanded; his attention fully focused on his daughter. Where would she get the idea Addison wasn't coming back? He'd never said that, had he? "Devony, I know your mommy has been gone for a long time. But she'll come back. Don't worry." As the words poured from his lips automatically in an instinctive attempt to sooth his daughter, Derek hoped he wasn't making a promise he couldn't keep.

"I'm so sorry," Finn said. Derek could only nod. Together he and Finn lifted the deer out of the back. "I truly hope that Addison is okay, and that whoever you're with, that you're happy," Finn said as he shook Derek's hand before starting to work on the deer.

"Thanks, um, Finn. And for the record, I'm not with Meredith anymore. I'm not with Addison either. Fate is finally making me repent," he said with a bitter laugh.

"Well, your daughter is beautiful," Finn said with a smile.

The trailer ~ morning

Derek rolled over as the sound of someone pounding on the trailer door roused him from his dreams. Devony was sleeping fitfully beside him in Minnie Mouse pajamas, her tiny arm thrown across his chest. He smiled and took a minute to smooth her hair back. But the knocking didn't stop, so he rolled out of bed and stumbled to the door, wearing only a pair of pajama pants.

"Hello, Derek," the elegant ice queen in front of him said.

Shit. "Hello, Bizzy."


Derek ~ Forbes Montgomery house ~ 15 years ago

"I don't know if I can do this, Derek. I haven't been back here since I left for college." Derek's fiancée bit her lip in the same way she always did when she was nervous.

"You can do it, Addie. I promise. Don't you want your parents to hear about your engagement from you?" She merely shrugged. "Addison, listen to me. If he even touches you, I swear to god I'll kill him, do you understand me?"

"You won't be able to stop him," she whispered.

"Yes, I will. I will, Addison, I promise. Besides, you said stuff like that only happened when he was really drunk. If he gets drunk enough to be dangerous, we'll leave."

"Okay," she said quietly.

Derek took her hand and kissed her softly. "I love you, Addie. I know this is hard, but I'll be right here, okay? We'll deal with this together." He reached out his hand and rang the doorbell, still clutching Addison's hand tightly. He was nervous for her but this was something they had to do.

The door opened to reveal Bizzy Montgomery. "Addison? What the hell are you doing here?" she asked coldly.


Bizzy ~ Starbucks ~ present

Bizzy studied her daughter's child closely as the girl licked the whip cream off the top of her hot chocolate, getting it all over her nose and generally just making a mess. Truth be told, she'd never had much patience for children. She had two herself, but she'd had Archer to carry on the Forbes Montgomery line and Addison had been a mistake.

"Do you know who I am?" she asked her granddaughter after a minute. Devony shrugged without looking up. The only sound besides the soft music of Starbucks (she hated chain franchises, but it was the closest place to Derek's trailer in the middle of nowhere) was Devony's feet tapping against the too-tall chair. "I'm your grandmother," Bizzy informed her.

Derek Shepherd's eyes met hers as the child looked up. "You're not my grandma! Grandma lives far, far away, in New York!" Devony said loudly. Bizzy resisted a shudder at her volume. Clearly, her ex son-in-law was a softy and let Devony get away with whatever she wanted, like screaming in public.

She didn't want to take the child, but Devony was technically family and a Forbes Montgomery. Bizzy didn't exactly fancy the idea of her cheating ex son-in-law raising the girl. Unfortunately, if she tried to get custody, she could get her husband put in jail if Derek brought up that Archer and Addison had been abused. There was no proof, and for a long time Bizzy hadn't believed it herself. She thought Addison just wanted attention, especially since she was taken care of by the nanny, so Bizzy didn't have to see her too often. She'd ignored the bruises, hoping that if she ignored the situation they'd go away. But then Archer had ended up in the hospital. She couldn't ignore what her husband was doing any longer, but what was she supposed to do? Abandon their house and their nanny and their childcare? She would have had to leave the city, find a new job, and think of something to do with Addison and Archer. It was too much, back then, so she stayed, and told the nanny to call her if her husband ever got like that again.

Maybe she should have left. The abuse had lessened after her husband saw his son in the hospital, but Bizzy knew that Addison had had to deal with it at least a few more times. She also knew Addison considered her a bad mother and hated Bizzy's interference. But how could Addison not have told her she had a grandchild?

Bizzy knew it was unfair for her to get annoyed at every single little mistake her daughter made, but she had wanted Addison to be better than cheating on her husband, running after him after staying with a manwhore, getting cheated on herself, getting pregnant and having a kid, and then disappearing. Maybe it was unreasonable. But she couldn't help it.

All that was left of her grandchild was a spilled cup of hot chocolate. Bizzy looked around Starbucks quickly. Devony had abandoned the hot chocolate and opened a bag of cookies for sale. "You can't eat those! You have to buy them first!" Bizzy said angrily, hurrying over and grabbing them. Devony started to cry, not, Bizzy suspected, because she'd yelled, but because she'd taken the cookies away.

"I want cookies! I want them! My better grandma always makes cookies. And I asked you for some but you didn't even say anything!" Devony shrieked. Just then Derek walked in the door. He had presumably been spying from outside.

"Nice job, Bizzy," he said sarcastically, going to pay for the cookies. "Just great. Now, you had your time with her, please leave."

Bizzy stared after father and daughter. Derek was hugging the little girl tightly. She couldn't take care of Devony like that, and Derek would do a better job than her, despite the fact that he was a surgeon too. She had chosen long ago not to be part of the mess that was Addison's life.


~ Derek ~

After dropping Devony off at daycare so she could play with Tuck, Derek attempted to concentrate on his cases. It was futile. He couldn't get her off his mind. "Derek?" someone asked, and he spun around. It was Richard, and the look on his face practically screamed bad news. His mouth went dry, and he found himself unable to speak.

"Derek, several of the other kidnapped victims were found. All . . . they were all dead, Derek. I'm so sorry. Some of them died from drug overdoses, some of them were killed by the kidnappers, and some of them drowned when the kidnappers dumped them in the river to get rid of them." Richard's voice was gentle, but Derek would have almost preferred it if he had yelled. It would have been a distraction from the pain, at the very least. His mentor laid a hand on his shoulder and then walked away quietly, leaving Derek to his thoughts.

Dead. The other women were dead. Gone. Gone forever.

He remembered the sun illuminating her face, and the brightness of her smile. The way her brilliant hair shone even in the dimmest light. Her willingness to risk her career and her life for her patients. Her changing eyes, blue one minute, and green the next. The lines on her face that showed she'd lived and who she was. The funny way she pursed her lips when she pouted. Her many pairs of $1000+ shoes. Her funny glasses perched halfway down her nose. Her favorite bluish scrub cap. The indescribable scent of her perfume.

He couldn't forget. He wouldn't allow himself to forget. "I can't forget," he whispered. "I can't forget, I can't forget, I can't forget. I have to remember."

He quickly racked his brain, allowing his mind to revel in the memories that were never far from his thoughts. He danced through a forest of happier times with the redheaded love of his life. Then he picked up a pen and grabbed a piece of paper. He knew he was going slightly insane but the memories were plunging their sharp spikes deep into his heart and it was all he could do. He wrote. Derek looked deep into his heart and wrote exactly what he found on that paper.

The Last List

The last time I saw her: on the cover of that medical journal
The last time I was near her: Shepherd Christmas
The last time we kissed: right before she left Seattle
The last time we had sex: conceiving Devony
The last time we made love: in the trailer shower after the morning of bad sex
The last time I saw her cry: as she was leaving
The last time I saw her smile: when her last patient at SGH got to go home
The last time I cried: when I found out she was missing
The last time I smiled at her: when I asked her to Prom
The last time I held her: at Prom
The last time we went on a date: our eleventh anniversary
The last time we fought: about Meredith on the balcony
The last time I took time for her: the cute little viewfinders
The last time I thought she was happy: before Devony came here
The last time I truly believed she was alive: just a minute ago, before I heard about the other women
The last gift she gave me: our daughter
The last time I broke her: when she found the panties
The last time I made her think I hated her: too many to count
The last time I told her I love her: ??

He couldn't remember. He couldn't remember the last time he'd told her he loved her. He was pretty sure it wasn't in Seattle. What kind of a husband had he been? He'd told her he loved Meredith, but not that he loved her. He went through half-blocked memories of New York, trying to remember saying those words, but was furious with himself when it still didn't come to him.

"Can you please shut that off!" Derek snapped at Izzie and Meredith. They were listening to the latest hit love song out loud at a nurses station, and it was killing him. He felt like he was about to throw up. He wanted to yell and scream and throw things, just to ease the pain for a second. He wanted to go to Joe's bar and drink his life away under the neon lights, but he had a responsibility to his daughter now. So instead, he found himself crying, the incontrollable tears dripping down his cheeks.

Izzie turned it off quickly. "Sorry," she whispered. The pain didn't stop. It just continued on, picking his heart apart precisely minute by minute, memory by memory.

"No, no, this can't be right," he muttered. "I never got to tell her I love her one last time. I didn't get to. She didn't know. She didn't know I loved her."

He didn't even realize he was talking out loud until Meredith said his name. "Derek." Her voice was gentle, but he turned away from her. "Derek, please. I want to help you. I know we're on a break, but I want to help."

"We're NOT on a break, Meredith! We are broken up. That was the end; it's over, so please understand that already." All the hospital staff in the direct vicinity stared at him.

"Derek!" a voice said, and he turned to find an out of breath Dr. Bailey. She put a hand on his arm and turned him to face away from all the staring people. "Derek, they found her. They found Addison."


Ha ha, yes, I am very evil, I know. You can tell me how much you hate me or threaten me and tell me Addison better be alive, or what you thought of this chapter and I may update sooner. We'll see.
And yes, Finn is there for a reason. Most of the stuff I put in here is there for a reason. Not all of it, but most of it, even if the purpose isn't immediately clear. For instance, I choose the flashback scenes very carefully.
Sorry for the Hannah Montana cracks. I couldn't resist.