My Never
Chapter 18

I apologize, I know this has been a bit dark lately. I'm doing the best I can with this type of subject matter – I mean, I wouldn't want to make light of it. When I set out to write this story, I was like: okay, so Addison gets kidnapped. But writing it sensitively and realistically is a little more difficult. I mean, angst is good and all, but I know everybody wants happy, fluffy Addek too. Don't worry, Addison is just beginning the slow healing process.
And YAY for spring break! I'm going to have a bunch of time for writing (when I'm not on the beach :D), I'm so excited! So expect more updates, hopefully soon. Also a million zillion thanks yous for all my reviews!


Derek ~ Seattle Grace ~ present

She was still staring at him as if he was going to suddenly disappear, but he couldn't help grinning so big that he felt like his face would split in two. Tears filled his eyes and he made no effort to hide them. "Addie," he whispered. So much was contained in that one little word. All of his love, and his heart, which was hers. And all that he needed.

But apparently they weren't exactly on the same page. "You're here," she choked out, her voice painfully hoarse. He had to lean closer to even hear her.

"Yes, baby, I'm here," Derek told her tenderly. One of her bruised hands was lying on top of the covers. He extended his own hand across the scratchy blue blanket toward it slowly, but Addison yanked hers back with a wince.

"Go away, Derek."

He didn't move. He was frozen.

"Go away!" she said a little louder.

Well, he hadn't expected it to be easy. "Addison," he said slowly. "I'm not going to hurt you. I promise."

"You already are, Derek," she said tiredly. "Just go away. Go back to Meredith so I can pretend this was a dream."

"No," he said simply. Obviously she didn't realize that he loved her yet. Well, he was going to tell her. Or show her.

"I don't want you here, Derek!" she yelled.


~ Addison ~

It was all so much, too much, for her to process at one time. Simply being safe and wrapped in warm white sheets would have been a bit overwhelming.

But seeing him here, after more than four years and after thinking that she was going to die was far, far too much. Already she couldn't stop shivering, or thinking of the dark hellhole where she'd been kept. What if this was just another dream? Granted, it was more real than her other dreams, she could smell the hospital, and Derek (did he really still use the same aftershave?), but most of all she could smell them. She could feel them. They would never be truly gone.

Though in her memories they were only faceless demons, they hovered continually at the edges of her vision. When she looked, they'd be gone quicker than if they'd never been there. But Addison knew they were there. Perhaps they waited for the perfect chance, or for her to sleep, or for Derek to leave. Whatever the reason … they were waiting.

Derek. He looked the same and not the same at all. The blue eyes were the same, but the ever-present twinkle in them seemed to have gone out. There were more grey strands in his hair than there ever had been before, he had lost weight, and he looked exhausted, as if he hadn't slept in a while. There was another look about him … one not so easily identifiable … he looked almost, to Addison, haunted. Like he'd seen a ghost, or something horrible had sucked the life out of him.

When he caught her staring, he attempted a weak smile for her, but it was really more of a grimace. Addison wondered at the effect of her words on him, because he was not leaving. Derek always left. Not always in the literal sense. He could be physically present, but emotionally somewhere else. It was a skill of his. So why wasn't he leaving?

If Addison was perfectly honest with herself, which she wasn't feeling inclined to be, his presence eased the knot of tension in her stomach like no one else could. Terror, horror, and paranoia were her dominant emotions at the moment, but a small part of her could just appreciate and revel in the man whose mere existence had gotten her through her ordeal.

"I thought you were dead," he whispered to her, and his voice cracked. "I thought you were dead, Addie, and I swear to God if it wasn't for Devony … I have no idea what kind of a state I'd be in right now. Probably passed out at Joe's or something. The thought of you dead … it nearly killed me too." He looked about to reach for her hand again, but restrained himself quickly. "If you want me to go because you don't feel comfortable with me being here because of what happened, I understand and I'll walk out the door right now. But I don't want me here because of all the times I've hurt you … that's what I'm here to make up for, Addie."

His words washed over her as though they were being spoken in a different language. The idea that Derek was there because he wanted to be, not out of obligation, was unfathomable. Hadn't he made it clear he didn't care what happened to her? Now he wanted to make up for it?

Then the truth dawned on her, and tears filled her eyes. He was here because she was sick and had nearly died, and he felt guilty. He always had to be the good guy. If it was up to him, he'd probably be screwing Meredith senseless right at that moment. No, that wasn't right. Derek didn't say screw; he would probably call it 'making love' or something like that, like he used to make love to her.

Maybe … she could pretend for a few hours. Pretend that Derek was here for her, and get some sleep. It would hurt worse in the end, but the idea was enticing. Before she could sleep again though, because she was unbelievably exhausted … she needed to see her daughter. "Where's Devony?" she asked Derek. Her breathing accelerated and she nearly threw up as something dark danced in the farthest reaches of her vision. When she focused her eyes back on Derek's face, however, it was gone.

"She's right here," he said, leaning to the side so she could see Devony curled up on a chair, wrapped in a blanket and clutching Pluffie, fast asleep. A sort of peace came over her upon seeing that sight, and she closed her eyes.

Derek. Derek was here, really here.

Devony was as beautiful as ever.

The men were gone, gone, gone. But they were still there.

Derek. He'd probably be gone when she woke up.

And sleep. Sleep won.


~ Meredith ~

"It's scary, isn't it?" Izzie asked in a horrified whisper beside her.

Meredith nodded slowly. Seeing Derek in there with Addison, watching him watch her sleep so intently, stung less than she thought it was going to. Derek had been right about their relationship, she'd just been too stubborn to see it.

And although she had never been friends with Addison Montgomery, seeing one of their own in there, a Seattle Grace doctor, shook her more than she'd ever admit to anyone. Nobody deserved that. She'd never forget the look on Derek's face when he ran through the hospital after finding out what happened to Addison, looking like he was about to hurl any second. And he had, and the man Mark and Richard hauled back inside was someone Meredith had never met.

For the next few days, Derek Shepherd had been a ghost. "What's wrong with Daddy?" Devony asked anyone who would listen, but nobody knew how to answer her. "He's crying again," the little girl admitted to Izzie. "Why is he crying? Daddy isn't supposed to cry."

Meredith was unsure how much Derek's three year old understood, but he slowly picked himself up off the ground to take care of her. And then his moods alternated between darkest night and brightest day, depending on the news he received. Right now, he was shining as he stared at his ex-wife. Worry was present in his wrinkled brow, but despite many sleepless nights, he looked better than she'd seen him in years.

"Yeah. It's awful," Meredith whispered back to Izzie.

Alex and George made their way over to them through the thick crowd outside Addison's door. Their expressions were extremely grave as they took in the scene in front of them. Meredith could hear the interns talking softly behind them. The rumors had reached them, and they knew who was lying in the bed in there. The gossip mill was running completely wild, but she didn't have the energy to neither help nor hinder it.

She watched Derek closely. He never felt that way about me, was the conclusion she was forced to make. He was aware of Addison's every movement; his eyes tracked the rise and fall of her chest. Apprehension and relief were mingled on his face. Addison was alive, but she was certainly not out of the woods yet. Physical problems were only the surface. How could anybody ever recover from what had happened to her?

The redheaded object of Derek's obvious affection still had an emaciated look about her; she was so skinny it was almost scary. The dark circles under her eyes, the result of the drugs injected into her, had not completely faded. She was a mess, but the way Derek was looking at her … it was like she was a treasure trove of brightest gold, or a star fallen to earth. Glowing in the pale moonlight, it somehow made her beautiful even though she looked like hell.

She could have had that. Why wasn't she ever happy when Derek was hers? Her only conclusion was that she didn't belong there. It was hard to see him there beside her, looking like the happiest man on earth, but it wasn't as hard as it had been the first time, finding out that he had a wife. They'd had their chance, and they hadn't worked out. He was meant to be with Addison and Devony, always. She had just been an obstacle in their way.

Maybe she truly was masochistic, standing there watching the light and bliss amidst the ridiculous number of flowers Derek had bought his ex-wife. Like a fly drawn to deadly luminosity, she couldn't turn and run from the perfect picture. She couldn't go in and be a part of it; she didn't belong there, but something inside wasn't letting her leave.

There was a presence behind her, someone besides her friends, probably wondering why she was staring into an ICU hospital room with such concentration. She didn't want to deal with them now. She didn't want sympathy, or comfort, or even Derek. She just wanted that – what Addison had. A family. She'd had her chance; she could have stepped up, tried to be a mother to Devony, married Derek and gotten the white picket fence. But she hadn't. Half of her regretted it, but the other half was telling her that wasn't her path.

When she heard the voice behind her, she thought that other half might have actually been right. "Mer?"

She spun around. "Finn?" she asked incredulously. She hadn't seen him since a few days before Derek had last seen Addison. He was standing there hesitantly; his hair cut short, holding flowers and two bags that smelled of food.

"Hi. I, um, heard about Addison and brought these for her. And I brought food for Derek and Devony, as well as a picture of the deer." She had no idea what he was talking about but somehow, it didn't matter.

"Hello, Finn," she said with a smile. "It's been a while." And then an earsplitting scream broke through the suffocating silence.


~ Derek ~

He felt his heart jump to his throat as a scream tore out of Addison. Her eyes were still closed, but she was moaning and twitching and shaking violently. He jumped up to try and keep her from hurting herself further, but she clawed him in her sleep. He held on, knowing that if she twisted the wrong way or fell that her injuries could go from life-threatening to fatal.

A squeak of terror sounded from somewhere behind him, and the ICU door sprung open. Other hands joined his, until Addison finally lay still. He exhaled slowly in relief, and turned to find Devony with her head buried in Richard's lab coat. Three other nurses stood there, and a psyche consult entered a second later. As a surgeon, Derek didn't usually put a lot of stock in psychoanalysis; especially since Kathleen had been spouting it at him for years, but he was a bit relieved to see the man.

"Is she okay?" he asked the man quickly.

He shrugged. "Physically, it seems she's healing very well Emotionally? She's in a pretty bad state right now. Not surprising, considering what she's been through." Unfortunately, pretty much everyone in the hospital knew what had happened to Addison. "The nightmares, which are probably flashbacks, are a symptom of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. They often continue for months, sometimes years, after the incident but talking to someone can often alleviate them. When she's fully conscious I suggest she talk to a close friend, family member, or a counselor about what happened."

Derek nodded slowly. It was actually better than he'd expected. She wasn't afraid of him, she wasn't completely freaking out. Yes, she was afraid, that was to be expected. But Addison was strong. He knew she'd get through it, with or without him. Although preferably with him.

Addison stirred and cleared her throat painfully. Panic shone in her ever-changing eyes for a moment at the sight of so many people in her room before she calmed. Derek gave her an encouraging smile, but her eyes sought Devony.

"Momma?" Devony asked, struggling in Richard's arms. "Momma!" Her voice was loud, and Derek saw Addison jump a little. He watched apprehensively as Devony ran over to her mother, but Addison reached slowly for her daughter. Belatedly he noticed the others stealing out slowly so as to give mother and daughter some time alone. It was hard, nearly impossible, to leave her, but Richard patted his arm and Derek followed him slowly out. He looked back to find Addison's eyes following him. Her expression turned pleading, and he knew she was begging him to come back in the only way she could. He nodded and then glanced at the door, indicating that he'd be right outside.


So, a fairly happy chapter. Tthis story is going to focus on Addison's healing process and Derek's part in it for a while. I think it's going to be good, and you will probably like it (because it involves Addek!) Anyway I am headed to Cabo for a few days, and I do accept reviews as send offs! :D (although I have no idea what the situation will be with internet :O)