My Never
Chapter 19
Aw, guys, your reviews make me smile so big! You are like the most amazing reviewers a girl could have. Keep it up, and I'll keep the updates coming as fast as I can! This is pretty long. I didn't mean for it to get this long, but you like long, right? I think I'll go take a nap now, I spent all of yesterday on plane :P
Addison ~ Seattle Grace ~ present
Comfort was personified in the small arms of her daughter as Devony enfolded her in a tight embrace. Addison hugged her back just as fiercely. Touching her was okay in way that touching anyone else was not. Devony smelled like Derek's mint shampoo instead of her usual coconut, her hair was a little bit longer, and Derek apparently couldn't match children's clothes any better than his own. But the little girl that made up practically Addison's whole world was in her arms again. In that moment, it didn't matter what had been done to her or what was yet to come. All that mattered was Devony.
When Addison finally pulled back to look at her daughter and push the curled black tresses out of her eyes, she noticed that Devony looked somehow older. Information that no three year old should have to deal with had been shoved upon her, and something in her face had aged. Guilt suffused her, and she pulled Devony to her chest again. Luckily some things were the same: the mischievous gleam in the eyes she'd inherited from Derek; she could only imagine the hell her daughter had put him through. Derek's old blue and purple giraffe, Pluffie, was still being clung to as tightly as ever.
"Mommy, I missed you," she whispered softly.
"I missed you too, baby, so much," Addison barely choked out. Tears formed in the corner of her eyes, and Devony's eyes glittered with them as well.
"I got to meet Daddy," she said proudly. "And I'm not even four yet."
Addison managed a weak laugh. "I should have known, huh? You never follow the rules."
"Rules are for lame people, Mommy," she said, snuggling her head in tighter to Addison. She winced as the pain in her ribs flared, but was unable to pull away. "Why didn't you come back for a long time?" Addison sighed when her daughter asked the question that she knew was inevitable.
"Mommy tried to, sweetie. I wanted to, I'm sorry." How could she explain in a way that Devony would believe her, but also understand? She would rather Devony think that she had abandoned her than have her daughter know what really happened. Someday she would find out, there would be no hiding it forever, but Addison hoped to conceal the truth for a while longer.
"I just missed you. It felt like you were gone for years and years! And Daddy is not very good at matching outfits," Devony said, sounding upset.
Addison couldn't help the laugh that escaped. It surprised her that she even could laugh anymore, but Devony was like a healing balm. "I know he's not," she agreed. "Did you have fun with him though? I bet you liked seeing lots of new places."
Devony launched into an explanation of all that she and Derek had done. A few times he had let her eat ice cream for dinner, and when he was super busy sometimes he let her watch surgeries from the gallery, something Addison had rarely allowed. Addison also heard about all her other new friends: Unca Mark, Grawmpa Richie, Callie, Izzie, Georgie, Miranda, and, most of all, Tuck.
Interposed between Derek's many flowers and the chocolate, stuffed animals, and balloons of other well wishers that decorated her room were numerous pictures. Addison could not tell what all of them were, but Devony showed her them, explaining which ones were done by her and which ones were done by Tuck, Miranda Bailey's son. Most of Devony's pictures featured Addison, Derek, Devony, and Evelyn as an angel, although some showed a baby brother or sister as well.
It was the best welcoming gift she'd ever been given, and the terror and dread that had frozen her heart began to melt in earnest.
~ Meredith ~
It felt good to finally laugh again, to light up the hospital that had a blanket of darkness covering it. She had poured so much effort into making her and Derek's relationship what she wanted that she hadn't realized they weren't working out. She and Finn worked well together, and she hadn't truly appreciated in her thoughtless quest for McDreamy. But McDreamy, the true McDreamy, didn't actually exist. Derek did, but he was not her storybook prince, and he didn't belong to her. He belonged to his very sick ex-wife and beautiful daughter.
She was captivated by the way Finn's teeth flashed when he smiled, by the glint in his eyes, by his kindness and understanding. She hardly noticed as Derek walked into the cafeteria, but when she did, she watched him. Addison's screams had not only haunted the man who loved her, concern and anxiety for her was felt by all. Both Addison and Derek had long paths to walk, but she was forging a new path that went in a different direction, and in the new life she would make she would no longer define herself by a man known as McDreamy.
"Where's Devony?" Meredith heard Izzie ask Derek as he fixed the coffee he purchased.
"Still with Addison," he answered.
"If you need any help, let me know," she said, and Derek nodded.
"I will. My mother and sisters should be here in a few days, but thanks." Finally, Derek looked up and saw her, and as their eyes met, she had ultimate confirmation that things had changed. There was no longer a ghost of jealousy in his eyes, or a hint of longing. As he approached, all she could see was acceptance and exhaustion.
"Dr. Shepherd," Finn said with a nod as Derek reached their table. "I'm glad to hear that Addison's doing okay. I thought you might be hungry, so I brought lunch for you and Devony, flowers for Addison, although it seems she already has quite the collection, and a picture of the deer for Devony."
"Thanks, Finn," Derek said, his eyes widening slightly. He looked too surprised to say anything else, but also grateful through his weary exterior.
Finn was looking between her and Derek, and as much as she wanted it to be over, for there to be nothing more to say, she knew that full resolution had not yet been reached. "I'll be right over here," he said, pointing at the table where Izzie and Cristina sat, and she nodded vaguely, sensitive to the unspoken words between her and her now ex-boyfriend.
"He's a good guy," Meredith blurted, to fill the silence. "He brought lunch for the ex-boyfriend of the girl who didn't pick him, he's a good guy."
"He is," Derek agreed, holding up the lunch sacks in affirmation. "I want to you be happy, Mer, whether it's with him or someone else. A lot of stuff happened, but I want you to know I'm still here … I mean, we can be friends if you want. Not friends like last time. But real friends, eventually."
"Maybe someday," she said with a small smile. "But I don't quite think we're there yet." This elicited a peal of laughter. "I hope you're happy too, with Addison, and that she gets better quickly and Devony gets to live with both of her parents. We did try, and I did love you, Derek."
"Yeah, me too," he said, but she could tell his thoughts were elsewhere, probably up with a woman who he could not yet touch, but who she knew he could heal through his goodness. "I have to go check on Addison, I just came to get coffee," he told her after a few seconds of awkward silence. "See you later, Mer."
~ Addison ~
She and her daughter had created a small, protective bubble of comfort, but that bubble burst as soon as the door slid open. Addison involuntarily sucked in her breath. She still remembered the door to the warehouse opening, a tiny portion of light spilling in for a few brief seconds, and then the terrible, damp darkness.
Eventually her eyes would adjust, and she could see them moving about like twisted insects, scuttling back and forth between the bodies littering the floor and their precious drugs. Her body would be bumped and jostled by women so starved they were barely human, fighting tooth and nail for the water they dripped out of a hose and the old tortillas they threw casually out into the sea of bodies. Sometimes she joined them, if she was strong enough. Other times the bite of a needle would interrupt her fantasies, and her heart would beat faster and faster until the drugs took their effect, either enveloping her in silky darkness or coloring her thoughts in rainbows and crystals until coherent thought was nearly impossible.
And some nights, if she was really unlucky, she would feel a brush of cloth and she would know. A dirty, grubby hand over her mouth would follow soon after, the other brushing aside her ruined, tattered clothes easily …
But no. Addison wretched her mind away from the poisonous memories seeping through her skull. That had happened, but it was no longer happening now. Devony was truly in her arms, it wasn't just a dream. And the person at the door was Richard and another vaguely familiar dark haired doctor, not the bastards who had nearly killed her. She forced her clenched muscles to relax.
"Oh, Addie," Richard sighed as he saw her, the pity that was becoming all too familiar present in his eyes. She tried to smile at him but failed utterly, her mouth twisting into what would better be described as a grimace.
"Richard … I need to know …"
He understood what she was asking. Richard would not sugarcoat the truth of her injuries, like Derek would involuntarily do, and she didn't feel comfortable asking anyone else. "Addie, it's pretty bad, although there shouldn't be any permanent damage. But before Dr. Torres over here does me a permanent injury, you need a cast on that leg."
She couldn't feel the pain, whatever meds flowed through her bloodstream prevented that, but she did remember … them … breaking it. Slowly she sat up, her muscles almost too weak to support her, mindful of the brace holding her pelvis in place. It allowed her to sit up but kept the bones perfectly aligned. With shaking hands, she slowly pulled down the sheet, like a butterfly emerging from its chrysalis for the first time. What was underneath was far from the beauty of a butterfly, however.
Addison gasped and swallowed, tears stinging her eyes. She wondered if she could ever wear any of her dresses again or if she would be comfortable ever being naked around anyone again, because the damage to her body was terrible. She had figured she looked awful, but not this bad. Bruises of every color decorated her skin, ranging from black to blue to purple to green, visible even through her thin hospital gown, some larger than baseballs, some forming blotchy patches on her skin. Cuts and scrapes were distributed nearly as evenly as the bruises. White bandages covered the worst of it, including the places they'd cut into her to save her life, but she could imagine the scars already forming underneath.
Her broken leg was in a hard white splint, and she remembered the flash of pain as one of them broke, and the excruciating feeling of trying to walk on it at a gas station in a desperate bid for escape. Worst of all, though, were the bandages between her legs. She shrank away from Richard and Dr. Torres as they approached, holding onto Devony tighter. She knew she'd been raped and violated, but visible, tangible proof of if just made it that more real. She was an OB/GYN, she'd seen it all before – if it was bad enough that they had to bandage her, she must have had severe vaginal tearing, brought about by numerous rapes.
She shook so hard her body nearly vibrated. Addison didn't want anyone to touch her, if they did she thought the memories would truly take her over again and not let her go.
"Shh, Addie, it's okay now," Richard said soothingly. "You've been through more in the last few months than anyone should be, but you're okay now."
Addison looked away from Richard, and down at the sheets, ashamed. She knew that it wasn't her fault, and that she wasn't supposed to feel ashamed, but she still did. And what tortured her more were the sounds from the other women that she'd been unable to save. Her eyes burned, and she bit her lip, trying to keep from crying. "It wasn't just me, Richard. There were so many others . . . with families and people who loved them. They were hurt just as badly, some worse, than I was, and I couldn't do anything. I fell asleep to the sound of them screaming, when whatever crap they put in me actually allowed me to sleep. And I heard the nurses talking . . . they said that they'd found most of them and they were dead. And they said that they were trying to sell us as prostitutes."
"It's over now, Addie. It's almost over, I promise," Richard told her, and she wished she could believe him. But how could it be over when dreams of those men and what they did haunted her even when she was awake?
Before she could put this question to words, however, Dr. Torres cleared her throat and Richard said quickly, "Right . . . your leg. I forgot. Do your thing, Dr. Torres."
"What color cast are you getting, Mommy?" Devony asked from by her side. She had a tight hold on Addison's arm, as if her mother would disappear again if she let go, but she craned her neck to see what Dr. Torres was doing.
"I … I don't know, baby," Addison choked out. There was a reason she wouldn't let anyone but Devony touch her: Devony's hands were small, tiny, and warm, but any other hands evoked memories that were best left deep in the darkest recesses of her mind. "Why don't you pick," she said to distract herself. At this point, she didn't even care if Devony picked bright pink.
Addison could tell Dr. Torres was trying to be gentle and respectful as she carefully wrapped Addison's leg first in soft, firm white bandages up to her knee. "You broke this just above your ankle, so if you stay in bed, you won't have to have a full leg cast," she told Addison kindly, and she was vaguely aware of nodding, but much more aware of exactly how thin her hospital gown truly was. She longed for this ordeal to be over, to be able to curl up under the sheets, away from prying eyes, and never move again, but she tried to keep calm for Devony. Her daughter shouldn't have to endure any more fear or soak in any more knowledge far too advanced for her three years of age.
When she was done wrapping Addison's leg in white, Dr. Torres held up several colors for Devony to choose from. "Tell Dr. Torres what color you want Mommy's cast to be," Addison told Devony.
"Callie," Dr. Torres corrected firmly, and Addison once again attempted to smile.
Devony's eyes roamed over the cast packages, between electric green and neon orange and dark purple, finally settling on bright blue. "Blue!" she said, pointing at it excitedly, and Addison felt, for the first time in a long time, a true smile spread across her face.
~ Derek ~
In the months since Devony had first appeared, walking through the hospital with the same amount of confidence as any doctor, the people trailing behind her waiting to tell him the news that would change his life forever, Derek had experienced an overabundance of emotion. First shock, when he learned the raven haired child wreaking havoc on the surgical floor was his and that his ex-wife was missing. Then fear as he tried to be the father he'd somehow never gotten the chance to be when Evelyn died, and fear that when Addison was finally found, she would be dead. Disappointment and frustration as the months passed without any news, and an all-consuming desperation and sadness when he learned about the other dead victims. Joy when she was alive, relief when he could watch her sleep, deep concern when he heard her scream in the nightmares he could not save her from.
Now, however … now, standing at her door and watching her jump at loud noises and shudder while Callie casted her leg, Derek's predominant emotion was anger. Hearing her injuries repeated out loud every day during rounds was bad enough, but seeing them was a whole different story, and Derek battled furiously with the nausea rising in his stomach.
He had always hoped, always believed with all his heart that Addison would live, but now he wondered how she had. He was a doctor, and he thought he knew the limits of human beings, the maximum that a body could take before it gave out. For the first time, he truly appreciated what a miracle her survival was.
This fact, however, did not cause jubilance and gratefulness, but rather a rage such as Derek had never felt before. It was directed at the men who had hurt Addison beyond belief, and in that moment, Derek would have given anything to be allowed to hunt them down. The police were still looking, but Derek's personal involvement gave him an edge they didn't have. He warred with himself, wanting to be there for Addison but also wanting to run and rant and scream and do something.
He would personally inflict every injury his ex-wife had suffered on those men, multiplied by ten. They would feel his fury as well of that of the families of so many innocent victims dead. They would … but no. As much as these thoughts were tantalizing, he had a promise to keep. He had promised himself he would never leave Addison's side again, that she would be his number one priority for the rest of his life. His place was here. So Derek swallowed his anger and walked into the room.
The soft light illuminated Addison's still silhouette as she finally laid down, a bright blue cast now encasing her leg. The hospital gown she wore did little to conceal her skeletal form, and Derek breathed in deeply, still battling his anger.
Callie and Richard melted out of the way when they saw him, and Derek approached Addison's bed. Her eyes, brilliant blue chips of fear and panic when they were open, were closed. Devony, however, looked up at him from beside her mother, confusion lighting her eyes, and Derek knelt and carefully lifted her.
"Mommy is very glad to see you, Devony, but she needs to rest now, okay?" Derek asked her softly, and she nodded, still looking down at her mother. She reached one tiny arm down over Derek's shoulder, and he bent down one more time so she could brush her tiny hand against her mother's bruise covered one. Soulful blue eyes met his, and Derek didn't want to leave her, but he knew a three year old could not hear the things he and Addison were about to discuss.
"Why don't you ask Richard or Callie to get some ice cream with you?" Derek suggested in a whisper, and Devony nodded reluctantly. "If you ask nicely, maybe they'll take you to the place across the street where they have birthday cake ice cream. How does that sound?"
"Okay, Daddy, but I need a kiss first," she said, and Derek obliged and then set her gently on the ground. She ran to take Richard's hand, pulling her sweater tighter around her shoulders over her ribboned sundress. "What kinda ice cream do you want, Grawmpa Richie?" Derek heard Devony ask as they left, and Richard looked back once, an unreadable look in his eyes.
"Is this real?" Addison after a few minutes of silence spent in the chair by her bed.
"What?" he asked; startled. "Yeah, Addie, you're really here. It's real, I promise." He knew her best. He had no idea how to deal with what she was going through, but he had best chance at trying to. He had known, for fifteen years, her deepest, darkest secrets. No person could truly understand the darkness that was Addison at this moment, but he had to try.
"I keep thinking this is another dream. That I'll wake up and be back there again and this will all be gone. I used to dream about . . . you while I was there. Sometimes I was so high on drugs that I didn't even know it was a dream."
Silence met her confession as Derek struggled with his emotions. "I'm so sorry," he whispered finally. "You'll never know how sorry I am that that happened to you. But you're safe now. It may take you a while to get used to it and believe it, but it's true."
"Sometimes I feel like it's my fault."
"You know that's not true, Addie."
"Yeah, but sometimes I do think it. Maybe God is punishing me for being an adulterer."
Derek's eyes, which had been roaming her face, met Addison's as she finally opened them. "Don't you ever think that again, Addison," he said fiercely. "It was not your fault and it didn't happen because of anything you did. Sometimes bad things happen to good people. But nobody is punishing you, Addison." How he longed to touch her! How he longed to be able to say something, anything that would make a difference! Would she feel safer in his arms? Could his touch take the nightmares away?
She nodded, he suspected, to placate him, but it seemed she still secretly harbored a few doubts about that. "I still see them. I can't see their faces, because I never did, but they whisper to me in my sleep. They chase me and touch me and Derek . . . I'm scared. I see that place in my dreams and it looks so real."
Her words tortured him. Derek, if he was perfectly honest with himself, liked things he could fix, not things he had no idea how to remedy. Being a famous brain surgeon did not endear you to helplessness when it came along. "I'll be here," he finally offered. "You said once, a long time ago when we were first married, that I kept the bad dreams away, so I'll be here. I'm not sure if it'll help anymore, but it's all I can think of. They'll fade in time. And you should consider maybe . . . talking to someone. It could help."
She was silent after this, but Derek found it extremely encouraging that she was talking; best of all that she was talking to him. Once he had feared that they would never talk again. How quickly life could change! And how quickly she painted his dull, monotonous life in emotion and feeling and love once again!
She needed to know that she wasn't alone. She needed to understand that he was going to be there with her every step of the way. He opened his mouth, but was unsure exactly how to phrase his feelings.
"What is it, Derek?" she asked, as if she knew he was about to speak. She didn't sound annoyed, only unbearably weary. Her eyes were closed, but Derek could see them moving beneath their lids.
"I know you're tired, Adds, so I'll make this quick. I love you. I love you and I have always loved you and I will always love you. I know that's near impossible for you to believe, considering the way I acted. But I'm going to be better, and I'm going to make it up to you. Meredith isn't in my life anymore, at least not like that. I made a terrible mistake, but I'm hoping you'll find it within yourself to forgive me. Whether you do or not, I'm going to be here, taking care of you. Nothing you say will stop me. I will never leave you again."
She didn't move, and Derek wondered if she'd fallen asleep, or was pretending that she had. When she finally spoke, she sounded as if she had the whole world on her shoulders. "I always loved you, Derek. Always. Even when you did the things you did. But I thought that that was a one-way thing. You never called me once in the last four years. So why should I believe that you love me now? Why now? Because I almost died and I'm sick; something you can fix?"
"I didn't come after you, Addie, because I thought that was what you wanted. I wanted you to be happy, and I thought you were, without me. I didn't want to disturb you and hurt you again."
She was silent again. Then, "That was why I didn't tell you about Devony. I thought you wouldn't want her." Her voice broke at the end, and Derek barely restrained himself, wanting to take her in his arms and kiss the tears away. But she'd probably smack him. Or kick him with her bright blue cast.
"I would've wanted Devony. Of course I would have. And if I'd had even an inkling that you wanted me too, I would have been on a plane in a second. You have no idea how many times I looked at plane tickets to New York. But I wanted what was best for you. I know it's hard to believe me and give me another chance. But can you think about it?"
She sighed. "Fine. You can be here, or whatever, and maybe we can be friends. But that's it. I want Dev to know her dad and I want you to be a part of our lives. But if I'm ever going to trust you with my heart again, I've got to be surer than anything else in the world. So you can have your chance. But I can't stand being hurt again, Derek. I don't know how I'd survive. So you better mean it." It was the most she had spoken to anyone, probably in a very long time, and he treated each of her words as if they were made of gold.
And she was going to let him be there, going to let him prove himself! She didn't hate him, she was forgiving him. "I mean it more than anything before, Addie, except our wedding vows. Now get some sleep, okay?"
Their faces, for the first time in over four years, were only inches apart, and Addison didn't flinch away like she did when others were near her. Despite her earlier sentiments, Derek realized that she did trust him, probably more than she realized. After fifteen years of being Derek and Addison, the feelings still lingered. And he felt confident in that moment that they would get back what they once had.
She would dance again in the sunshine, holding his hand, if he had anything to say about it. She would fall asleep with her head in his lap again, exhausted from endless surgeries, if he had anything to say about it. And someday, she would complain about her expanding belly because she was once again carrying a child of his, if he had anything to say about it.
Derek leaned forward slowly, his arm bracing himself against the side of her bed. As their living, breathing bodies drew closer, Derek could feel the old feelings heating up once again. He felt again what had drawn him to her on that cold night at med school once again. And although the fear would not leave her eyes for a long time, she was letting him be near her.
He was close enough to feel the warmth radiating from her, to see every cut that marred her face, to feel her slightly accelerated breathing. He closed the distance and pressed his lips against her forehead, just under the white bandage that was a result of her brain surgery. It was the first time he had touched her and she had allowed him to, and he felt a familiar jolt of pleasure and connection. She closed her eyes, looking finally peaceful, and he pulled away, not wanting to push her too far.
A few minutes later, the sound of matched breathing came from the man in the chair and the woman in the bed. Though a few inches separated them, their heads were turned toward each other in their sleep, and briefly all was well.
Well, we had some sorta fluff there at the end, huh? Addison allowing Derek to touch her and kiss her forehead was a step for her. And we had some MerDer closure. So review, and I'll start writing the next one after my nap :D
