My Never
Chapter 20

Today is a super bad day for me ... so I won't drag you down with my depressing thoughts. I do want to say that you are all excellent readers and reviewers, though.


Addison ~ Seattle Grace ~ present

The world sparkled, glittered, glowed, and she flew through it like she weighed less than air. The brightest of colors stood out, and events reeled by like they were on instant replay.

She and Devony stood in the kitchen of the brownstone making brownies. Addison thought it was a good thing to bake for Christmas, although she wasn't sure that adding eggs, water, and oil to brownie mix exactly qualified as baking. But then she remembered what had happened when she'd tried to make chocolate chip cookies from scratch and sighed. She and Devony ate a lot of takeout.

White flakes of snow obscured the winter wonderland outside, and although the Christmas music was cheerful, Christmas had become her least favorite holiday instead of her favorite. Derek's absence was too noticeable during Christmastime.

"Can I taste, Momma?" little Devony asked, standing on her tiptoes in order to see the chocolatey batter.

"Sure," Addison replied, sticking her finger in the pan and offering it to her.

"Now you taste," Devony commanded, mimicking her actions and holding her finger out to her mother.

"Yum, you did a good job," Addison told her with a smile, but it was an empty expression. She couldn't help wondering how things would be different if Derek was there. She and Devony were happy in their beautiful New York world, but the space next to Addison was always vacant, drawing attention to Derek's absence.

But as much as she thought about Derek, she was sure he was not thinking of her. Maybe he and Meredith were married now; maybe Devony even had half brothers or sisters she'd never met. The temptation to fly out to Seattle and see was overwhelming, but she remembered the results of her last trip to Seattle, that hadn't done any good.

"I did do good job. But why we have to take the eggshells out, Momma? They were pretty," Devony said, and Addison bestowed a smile upon her daughter. Then she glanced at the calendar; they were supposed to drive to Derek's mother's house for Christmas in a few days …

The scene melted away and morphed into something new, the white of snow turning into the green of grass, and the house around her disappeared …

The spray of water hit her face as a peal of bell-like laughter sounded from above her. Central Park came into view, the brilliant greens predominant in her vision. A much smaller Devony giggled as her mother twirled her around the fountain, her hands outstretched toward the pure blue sky. Somewhere across that azure expanse Derek existed, although the sky he saw was probably decorated with falling raindrops …

And once again the vision changed, this time darkening, the images twisting into more sinister forms …

And she was on her back in the warehouse where she'd spent the worst five months of her life. At first she was alone in the shadows, but slowly the men began materializing from smoke all around her. Their menacing smiles came into view as they came closer and closer, like predators stalking an animal that knew it was surrounded.

When she screamed no noise came forth, and she discovered her throat was too sore to make any noise at all. Her limbs were too heavy to move, and excruciating pain shot through her body as she tried to clamber to her feet.

There was no one there, no white knight to save her, no smiling Derek to chase the bad dreams away. The men seemed to grow as they approached her, and she knew what came next although she wished with all her strength that she didn't. They were faceless except for the smiles visible underneath their hoods, and Addison closed her eyes before realizing they were already closed …

She turned her face toward the stone below her and laughter sounded around her. A cold hand touched her shoulder, and one of them crouched beside her as the others looked on.

"Don't!" she managed to squeak out, and laughter echoed throughout the warehouse again.

"Oh, Addison," the man sighed, and in this context she didn't realize there was no way he could have known her name. "You know you deserve this, so why fight it?"

She tried to back away, to crawl into the shadows, but it felt like she was trying to move through molasses, her body utterly betraying her.

"Derek," she moaned, but they all shook their heads.

"Derek isn't here now. He doesn't love you, and he doesn't want you. Who would?" he asked.

"Nobody likes adulterous bitches who cheat on their husbands," another told her.

"You're pretty, though, Addison, so I suppose we could find some use for you …" one of them laughed, and they all leaned closer, reaching for her ruined clothes and she was finally able to scream …

"Addison! Addie! Wake up, it's okay!" someone was saying, and she opened her eyes to see Derek's handsome face in front of her. But Derek wasn't here, was he? Where was she?

And then her hospital room came into focus: the soft light filtering through the glass walls of the ICU, the vivid, dazzling colors of the flowers, mostly lilies, surrounding her, Derek in his navy scrubs, bent over her where she was nearly falling off the bed.

Derek gave her a questioning look, his head cocked to the side, and she nodded in response to his silent query. He gave her a sympathetic look that Addison barely saw because it was chilling to fall so easily back into their wordless conversations that were built on absolute understanding of each other.

"You were trying to get up," he said quietly, and she noted the tangled blankets and her proximity to the edge of the bed. "But with your broken leg, pelvis and ribs, recent invasive surgeries, and muscle weakness, I didn't think you'd be able to support yourself. Plus, I don't think sleepwalking is recommended for critical patients."

His attempt at humor was lost on her, and she watched as his eyes traveled down the thin silver chain around her neck to the wedding rings now exposed by the neckline of her hospital gown.

"You're wearing your wedding rings?" he asked, wonder present in his voice, and she blushed because she knew he'd probably thrown his away. He extended his hand to catch them, and the chain pooled in his palm as he lifted them up to examine them. He was grinning again. "You know, within the first five seconds of meeting you, I was determined to get you to marry me," he laughed.


Columbia University ~ 16 years ago

Addison swore as the wind blew her papers out of her hands, dropping her books on the ground also as she bent to grab the papers. It was late Friday night and she was supposed to meet Naomi and Sam to go to some party they insisted that she attend, but she had gotten caught up finishing a lab and she was late.

The light shining above her illuminated the snowy hill in front of her, making the ice sparkle. She was so concentrated on the scene that she didn't notice someone kneel beside her and gather up the papers.

"Is this a habit of yours? Dropping things?" the man teased with a grin as he handed her a stack of slightly damp papers and books, but she couldn't answer, could only stare. Usually Addison was very confident around men, but something about him brought back the geeky-ness of high school and early college, and she blushed.

Wavy black hair, perfectly styled, framed an attractive face currently wearing a slightly arrogant expression. She was soon lost in brilliant blue eyes, the color of the sky of the brightest day of summer, and as he smiled even wider she felt butterflies erupt in her stomach.

"Addison, right?" he asked, and she managed a nod. "Well, Addison, you're staring. That must mean you like me. Can I take you out?" he asked cockily, as if already anticipating her answer.

"I don't like you," she said as she finally found her voice. "You're arrogant. And I barely know you. I don't date men I don't know."

"I'm Derek. Now you know me," he said, straightening and pulling her up with him.

"How did you know my name?" she asked suspiciously.

"We're in a few of the same classes," he told her, his voice casual. "And I've been watching you. I tried to ask you after class several times, but you were always headed to the next one. Very academic, aren't you?"

"I guess," she admitted with a shrug.

"So how about that date, then, since I've been waiting to ask you for so long?" he said, and she rolled her eyes. She had to give him some credit, he was certainly persistent.

"I'm not dating you," she said firmly. Yes, he was hot, and his arrogance wasn't entirely unwarranted, but she knew his type. Boys like him had teased her all throughout high school.

"Coffee, then?" You look cold, beautiful."

"You don't give up, do you?" she observed.

"Please?" he asked, his puppy dog eyes disarming.

"Fine, but –" she started, but he interrupted.

"Ha! You said fine!" Derek yelled in triumph, and she fought a smile.

"I was going to say I promised I'd go to a party with my friends."

"Forget your friends. I'm much more fun to hang around with. You'll love me once you get to know me," Derek said smugly, and again she rolled her eyes.

"Alright, coffee. But coffee does not count as a date," she said, trying to retain a bit of dignity.

"Whatever you say," he whispered, leaning in close, and the butterflies in her stomach started a war.

One hour talking at the coffee shop just off campus turned into two, and two into three, until she realized it was six in the morning and she and Derek had been talking all night. Apparently he'd had his eye on her since they'd watched a procedure over the same cadaver. He had four sisters, a dead father, a mother who was the best cook in the world, and a best friend named Mark. She told him, in turn, about her absent, alcoholic, career-obsessed parents, her whore of a brother, and her desire to be a surgeon, and found she had more in common with him than she'd ever suspected.

When the sun rose, flooding the coffee shop in light, she finally left, saying her best friend would kill her. "I thought you said you weren't going to date me!" he called as she backed out the door. "I would definitely call six cups of coffee and talking all night a date, Addison Montgomery!" and she blushed as she glanced at him one last time before leaving, not knowing he was already imagining their life together.


Seattle Grace ~ present

"I was trying to imitate Mark, you know," he said, still laughing, caught up in the memories just as much as she was. "He always got the girls, so I tried to act like him, but I blew my cover the next weekend when we went to Central Park and I played catch with those two little boys."

"What went wrong with us?" she asked spontaneously, and shrunk back as he studied her intensely.

"We both made mistakes we knew better than to make," he said, and when she pondered his answer she found it to be true. "I still have my ring too, you know. I always had it, even though I didn't wear it. It's in my tackle box," he told her, and she gasped because she knew that Derek and his dad had made it together not long before he died. "It's with me every time I go fishing."

"I hate fishing," she reminded him, as if a few years apart could make him forget the little pieces that summed up into her, into Addison.

"I know. I had to have some way to take you with me though, didn't I?" Derek asked, and she wondered how this man could break her so utterly and then begin to glue her back together when nothing else could. Despite his declarations of love, however, a large part of her still suspected that this side of Derek wouldn't last. She wanted it to, but she had learned long ago that simply wanting something in her life did not guarantee it would happen, in fact, it often caused something completely opposite. And she honestly thought that if Derek left her again, the fragments of her shattered heart would never be repaired.

"You can sleep," he whispered, and this time when his hand inched toward hers, lying limply on the covers of her hospital bed, she let his fingers touch her. It was so light she could barely feel it, his pointer and middle fingers barely grazing the back of her hand, but it made her heart pound. They both turned to look when the beeping of the monitor accelerated, and Derek grinned when he realized he was causing it.

The degree of love she saw in his eyes was frightening, because it could elevate her to the top of the world but also push her down to the depth of despair. The intensity between them, buried for so long and just now breaking free, scared her because she'd been feeling too much lately, her mind still felt fragile, as if thinking or feeling too much would overheat it and cause failure.

So Addison closed her eyes, and she hoped that perhaps the smallest contact between her and Derek would keep the nightmares at a manageable distance, because his hand was still touching hers. It was a long time, so long later, that Addison heard the door slide open. She was barely awake, almost sleeping, or maybe she was sleeping and it was a dream.

"How is she?" came the voice of Izzie Stevens.

"Sleeping," Derek whispered. She could still feel his hand on her hers, and his other gently laced in her hair, being careful not to nudge her white bandage.

"Dr. Grey . . . Meredith needs you for a consult." Addison heard the rustling of fabric and guessed that Izzie was holding out a clipboard. She prepared for Derek to leave her, for the cold and dark to flood in from all angles.

"I can't right now." What? When have I ever heard Derek refuse an excuse to leave me?

"It's a pretty important case. She requested you specifically." Izzie's tone was calculating.

"There are plenty of other very capable doctors around this hospital. Tell Dr. Grey to ask one of them. Addison needs me most, and I'm not leaving her." His words were heaven, and the gentle waves of sleep finally overtook her.


~ Derek ~

Exhaustion weighed down on him like a ton of bricks, but he tried to dismiss it, because she was still so fragile and she needed him. A surgery with Meredith was easy to turn down, but fatigue's creeping, insistent fingers were much more reluctant to loosen their hold on him.

It was silly, really, because as an intern he'd stayed up for days on end with coffee as his only sustenance. But now coffee or food of any kind sounded extremely unappetizing, he felt so weak he could hardly move, and all he wanted to do was join his ex-wife in slumber. But he couldn't, because he was so tired he was worried he wouldn't wake up in time to help her if she had another nightmare.

Addison shifted slightly in her sleep, spilling red hair all over his extended arm, and he watched her, concern tinting every moment he cherished in her presence. She was so fragile, he doubted he would have to be more careful even if she was made of glass, and yet even though he was barely allowed to touch her he knew he was falling again, falling just as fast as the first time. He'd always been in love with her, he'd realized he'd never stop when she made her exit almost five years ago now, but the love he'd hidden in exchange for temporary feelings for Meredith were returning in full force.

She was like a flower whose delicate petals were wilted as a result of abuse and neglect. Derek could only hope that if he watered love and affection onto her, it would help emotional injuries as well as physical ones, because she was in bad shape in both ways. All her surgeries had gone well, her broken bones were on the mend, but there was just so many hurts that he wasn't sure which needed to be soothed the most.

But his love shone brighter every day, like a rapidly expanding star. Some would have called Addison's day to day progress slow, nearly inexistent, but he was able to see it all, see the fight against death and destruction and depression taking place within her, and he loved her all the more for it.

Her pale skin had taken on a slightly healthier hue, the circles under her eyes fading fast, the cuts scabbing over and the bruises turning from deep black and purple to blue and green, and then to yellow and nothingness.

Every word spoken to him was precious, every expression documented and treasured, every inch she allowed him to scoot closer prized. As Derek mulled over the memories, assessing them and filing them away in his collection of all the times, good and bad, of DerekandAddison, the calmness that overtook him pulled him closer and closer to sleep.

When she was better, when she could stand and walk and run and leave the hospital, they would be Derek and Addison and Devony this time. They would dance in the sun and kiss in the rain and he would never choose work over them again. Delightful imaginings of the life he hoped would come finally pushed him over the edge and he joined the love of his life in dream-world.

When he woke, he could tell many hours had passed, and he was surprised to find Addison's room full and his back resting against a cot that had apparently been brought in for him. Devony and Tuck sat on the edge of her bed, demonstrating their best three and four year old behavior. Still, Derek noticed an air of mischief about them, and wondered exactly what they had done this time. Richard and Mark were both in chairs by Addison's side, and she was watching them chat, occasionally adding a comment of her own, and Derek deduced that they were talking movies. Izzie sat near Devony and Tuck, knitting a fuzzy lavender scarf that Devony could not keep her eyes off, except when she was watching Alex, who was doing magic tricks with a quarter for Tuck. Callie stood behind Mark, her hand suspiciously resting on his shoulder, and Derek made a mental note to grill Mark later about what was going on with that. Miranda was talking to Adele off to the side, George chatting with Cristina and, to Derek's amazement, Meredith.

He smiled, thinking for the first time that it would truly be all right. Not right this second, nor this hour, probably not even this month, but as Addison turned to him, a small smile gracing her features, he knew in his heart that someday it would be. Although she was not ready to reveal to everyone all that had happened to her, they were here in support anyway, letting her know she was not alone. She was still withdrawn, he could see it in the tense set of her shoulders and the way her eyes darted back and forth, but like he said, it was getting better every day.

"What are you thinking about?" she whispered to him when Richard and Mark's conversation turned to sports.

"You," he answered truthfully. She did not react visibly, only studied him more closely, and Derek wondered what exactly it was that she saw. She still looked so small tucked into her white hospital bed, so vulnerable with tubes and machines surrounding her, so broken judging by the expression on her face.

But she answered, "I'm thinking about you too."


Okay, I'm having a super awful day. My hermit crab, Melvin, died and then my iPhone randomly decided to quit on me. I wasn't going to post today (more like go cry) but I decided that I shouldn't take my bad mood out on my fanfics.

Also, I just wanted to let you know that Blue October's new album, including the song 'My Never,' where I got the title for this story, is finally out. It's called Approaching Normal. Yeah, I think that's it for today. Hope your day has been better than mine! :/