My Never
Chapter 23
Thanks to everyone who has supported me throughout this story! Your reviews are amazing. I know that Addie's progress is a little bit slow right now, but I want to do her recovery justice ...
Derek ~ Seattle Grace ~ present
Her hair was a bleeding sunrise against the colorless pillow, but her ashen face lit up when he moved Colonel Mustard forward three spaces.
"You're going the wrong way," she claimed.
"I am not. I almost know who did it," he insisted, although in truth he didn't have any idea. However, Addison had won the last five games of Clue, and he was determined to beat her this time. "Clue isn't meant to be played with two people," he protested.
"Shut it, Derek Shepherd. You're just jealous that I keep winning," she said, a ghost of her old smile gracing her face. He smiled back, and for an instant, they were the people they used to be, her the beautiful, brilliant know-it-all and him the lucky fool who somehow convinced her to marry him.
"I suggest the crime was committed by Miss Scarlet in the library with the rope," he said with false bravado.
"Oh, so you think I did it? Well, you're wrong about at least one thing," said Addison, showing him a card with the depiction of the rope. As she extended her arm, he noticed scars marring the thin skin stretching over her elbow, making the place where drugs had been forcibly injected numerous times. "Der?" Addison asked, eyes following his gaze and pulling her am back involuntarily.
Some days, like today, were good days. On good days, she was a shadow of her former self, and he was able to glimpse fragments of her personality shining through. But the bad days were intermixed in with the good ones, and they were the ones when she refused to speak, the ones where only he was allowed in her room, the ones were she still woke up screaming in terror. Her progress was delicately balanced on a fulcrum of fate, and the tiniest occurrence, he knew, could disturb it completely.
"I accuse Mrs. White, with the candlestick, in the kitchen," she said, reaching for the envelope lying on her tray and distracting him from his somber thoughts. "I win again," she announced with a grin, waving the card in his face.
He was about to express his incredulity and accuse her of cheating when their private utopia was interrupted by Richard sticking his head in the door. "Derek? Can I talk to you for a minute?" Richard's voice carried a hint of iciness, and Derek bit back a groan. He'd been confronted by Richard and Bailey two weeks ago, who demanded along with a threat of physical violence, that he get tested because Meredith had said he looked 'sick.' Needless to say, he hadn't been happy. His life was none of Meredith's business anymore.
He vehemently refused on the grounds that he was fine, and that as a world renowned neurosurgeon, he could certainly take care of himself. They agreed to back off, but he had caught Miranda's eyes on him more than once, not missing his shaking muscles or drooping eyelids.
Maybe, in more normal times, he would have taken a few days off, but he couldn't. Addison couldn't leave the hospital, she was still in intensive care, and he hated to think what she would do without him.
But to his surprise, it wasn't an angry Bailey by Richard's side. Instead, Richard had been pushing the wheelchair of a girl in her early twenties. Chestnut curls spilled down her back, framing a pale, pretty face that was dusted with freckles. Confused, Derek looked from Richard's grave expression to the girl's unwavering chocolate eyes, and shivered slightly at the intense scrutiny he received.
"Derek, this is Casey Fitzgerald," Richard said, and Derek extended his hand automatically. Casey shook his hand firmly, and as she did, his eyes traveled up her bruised forearm, focusing on the damaged skin on the inside of her elbow, and he gasped.
He automatically began examining her more closely, noticing bruises on the side of her face that he had previously missed, and that her left arm was encased in a purple cast. "Nice to meet you, Derek," Casey said politely, but Derek couldn't speak. He thought he knew to whom he spoke, but he had to be sure, because the police had believed no one else would be found alive …
"You – you too?" he finally choked out.
"I, too, survived the same ordeal as Addison, if that's what you're asking," Casey said briskly. Mirrored in her eyes was the same pain that affected every aspect of Addison's life, and yet he could not help noting that Casey was in undeniably better condition. Addison's fragility was easily palpable, but Casey, in her youth and determination, had a backbone made of iron. Just like Addison had once had, before he broke her.
He hesitated. Would rehashing the details of her torture with this unknown stranger actually be beneficial? "I don't know," he said slowly.
"Derek, it would probably be good for her," Richard encouraged.
"Okay, as long as it's okay with her," he hedged. The truth was, sometimes he didn't know how to help her. He watched her struggle through emotions he would never experience, and work to somehow overcome what had happened to her, and he found that he was the helpless one, not her. There was no outlet for his rage, no relief for his pain, no way for him to make it all better. Maybe talking to Casey would really would be good for Addison.
"Addie?" She jumped when he called out her name, although she'd heard his voice say her name so many times. Addison, rolling it over his tongue the first time they met, and deciding it was quite possibly the most beautiful name he'd ever heard, at least until he learned his daughter's name. Addison, saying that name, his voice laced with reverence, on the day he asked her to marry him. Addison, whispering it as a mantra into her ear as they made love.
"You have a visitor," he continued, his voice full of false cheer. "This is Casey. She survived like you," he said, and watched as her eyes widened as Richard pushed Casey into the room.
"Hello, Addison," Casey said, and Addison offered up a wan smile in response. "Is it okay if I talk to you for a while?"
Addison's eyes darted to his, and then back to Casey. She nodded slowly.
"I'll let you two ladies talk," Derek said respectfully, leaving behind only an unspoken promise to Addison that he would be by her side the second she needed him.
~ Addison ~
It was strange … she had been so sure, so convinced that for some odd reason; she had been chosen to survive. That belief had resulted in what Derek identified as survivor's guilt, but in truth she had just needed someone to blame it all on, even if that someone was herself.
But now there was Casey, who looked far too young to have been exposed to the same horrors as she had … she was nearly forty, had been married and had a child, and lived life, to be succinct. But to think of some twenty-or-so girl living through it? It was hard to absorb.
"I'm sorry," Casey said, her voice ringing out through the room in contrast to Addison's hoarse rasp. "I didn't mean to interrupt anything. I just thought, if you had some time …" Their eyes met, and Casey seemed to be taking in her many injuries, both visible and not. "I mean, we don't have to talk about it if you don't want to."
Addison swallowed. It was easy to talk to Derek, because his love for her was present in every fiber of his being, and it would not be diminished, no matter what had been done to her or how she had been damaged. But opening up and sharing her darkness to someone else meant trusting them with a glimpse of her fractured soul.
But Casey had sought her out, presumably been flown into Seattle to see her specifically. "What do you want to talk about?"
"I guess I just wanted to let you know that someone is here for you, who understands," Casey said thoughtfully. "I mean, we're the only ones who know what the other is going through. But we can talk about something else, if you want. Who was that guy, Derek?"
"He's my ex-husband," Addison said.
"Damn, girl, why the 'ex'?" laughed Casey. "How'd you let a guy that fine get away?"
"Long story, but … well, we had some problems and couldn't work them out, and I left and we got divorced. I still loved him, and I had his child, but I thought he was in love with somebody else …" she trailed off and blushed, wondering why she was sharing her convoluted romantic history with Casey.
"He seems really committed now," she observed. "I need to find me a Derek. The only person I have is my sister … she's great, but she's only nineteen and she tries, but she can't fully comprehend what happened … I don't think anyone can until it happens to them personally."
"Do you ever wonder why?" Addison asked timidly.
"I try not to. Sometimes things just happen, and they affect our lives in ways we can't foresee … the worst thing in the world can turn out to be the best," Casey said.
Addison watched as confidence and happiness bubbled forth from Casey. There was something special about her, if she could bounce back like that, or maybe she herself had been too broken already, before the destruction of her life. Still … she had Derek and Devony now, not to mention Mark, Richard, Miranda, and get well cards from all the Shepherds (who promised to visit soon), Savvy and Weiss, and Sam and Naomi. Had it really taken such a catastrophic event to bring her and Derek back together? Were they really that stubborn, or was this simply the way it was supposed to be?
"How do you do it?" she asked. "No offense, but you seem fine. Even if I could leave this room, I probably wouldn't. And I can't … I see their faces everywhere, even in people I know."
Casey shrugged. "My parents died in a car crash when I was two, and I took care of my sister as we were shuffled from relative to relative. I guess I just learned not to let things affect me. Not that I don't see them too … but the thing is, Addison, I wasn't raped, or if I was, I don't remember it. Not at all. I remember the warehouse, sure, but that's about it."
"I remember all of it. Well, not all of it, but the particularly bad parts, and I wonder if it will ever go away so I can live a normal life again."
"I don't think it will ever truly go away, but it fades a little every day," Casey said. "What were you doing … before all this?"
"I was a neonatal surgeon in New York. It was just me and Devony, my daughter. What about you?"
Casey sighed, sweeping back her bangs impatiently. "Well, I was trying to get into law school. I didn't have much of a life, really. I'll probably go back, eventually. But you … you get better so you can help people like us, okay?"
Addison managed a small chuckle. "You're a force to be reckoned with, Casey. Good luck."
A male nurse appeared at the door and gestured to Casey, who turned back to Addison reluctantly. "I guess I have to go. But it was nice meeting you, Addison."
"Yeah, you too," she echoed faintly.
"Listen, you don't let that hot ex-husband of yours get away, you hear?" Casey asked.
"If you ever need anything …" Addison trailed off, feeling obligated to extend the offer to her. She was slightly amazed by Casey, there and gone so quickly, shrugging off the experience like it was nothing. Well, not nothing, but still, she was right. There were lives to be saved, while she lay in bed.
Casey was proof; there was a way to be okay after all this. And it would probably take her months, rather than mere weeks like the brave twenty-year-old. But she would do it, with Derek by her side.
~ Derek ~
"Daddy!" A whirl of flying curls, bright clothes, and the smell of bubble gum assailed him as his daughter launched herself into his arms. "Guess what, Daddy?"
He chuckled, tucking her against his hip as he continued through the halls of the hospital. He had no real destination in mind; he was walking only to be doing something. Addison's fine, Addison's fine, the rational part of his brain told him over and over, but he could not truly believe unless he saw it with his own eyes.
More than that, though, he had to do what was best for her. True, his heart swelled with love every time he looked at her, which made it difficult to leave her in a room where she could be terrorized by her memories, and it was difficult to brave the outside world without her, but her needs ranked number one on his priority list.
"What, baby?" he asked as Devony continued tapping his shoulder.
"Guess what I did at daycare, Daddy!"
"Do I want to know?" he asked with some trepidation.
Devony ignored this statement and plowed on. "Me and Tuck played zoo! He found a froggie at his house and then he snuck it under his shirt and his mommy didn't even see him, Daddy! And so then we made a home for the froggie, but some of the kids didn't like him. So the mean lady tried to take him away, but I said if she did, I would eat all the legos. And then you would be mad at her and fire her."
"That sounds like an exciting day. But you can't go around telling people I'm going to fire them," he said, trying to be stern but unable to be in the face of her innocent mischief.
"Why not?"
"Because you just can't."
"Guess what, Daddy," she asked a few second later.
"Hmm?"
"I love you," she whispered in his ear.
His heart swelled at the simple statement, and he clutched his daughter to him tightly, and he was about to respond in turn when his phone rang. "Derek Shepherd," he answered it.
"Hello, Dr. Shepherd. I'm calling to schedule a meeting next week to go over your house plans. We should have an estimate by then, and we're sending someone out to take a look at the land tomorrow."
"Great, thank you," he said as he entered the cafeteria and was subject to Meredith's not-so-subtle stares. He shot her a look, annoyed, he was not about to collapse in the middle of the cafeteria. "Let me check my schedule for next week," he said into the phone as Devony began kicking him.
"Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!" Devony repeated over and over in a battle for his attention.
"One second, please," he said into the receiver, shifting Devony and holding the phone with his shoulder as he fumbled in his pocket for change.
"Cookies!" Devony squealed, pointing at them, and Derek nodded at the man behind the counter, who took his money and handed Devony two frosted bunny rabbit cookies.
"Yes, I'm so sorry. What were you saying about the … oh, okay. Alright, that sounds good. I'll talk to you …" He paused as the world spun, but continued walking, thinking of all the post-op notes waiting in his office. But they suddenly seemed far away, and he could no longer remember what he was doing as the corners of his vision were obstructed by fog.
"Daddy!" Devony shrieked, but he was falling, falling, falling …
~ Mark ~
He entered hesitantly, like one might a funeral, not sure if he was supposed to be in her room. Her husband and child were the only ones allowed inside without the presence of others, but neither Derek nor Devony were present and Addison hated being alone nowadays.
"Mark?" she called when she saw him standing irresolute in the doorway.
"Hey," he said with false cheer, and he worried that she could see right through him. But how else could he act? All grim and gloomy? Wouldn't that just make things worse? Who really knew what to do in a situation like this?
Well, Derek knew, but Mark thought that Derek was reacting out of pure love for Addison, just being whatever she needed every second of the day. There was no handbook for dealing with rape victims, no band-aid for those held against their will, and Mark Sloan was particularly inept with dealing with emotional crises.
Still, once upon a time they had all three been the bestest of friends, and such bonds took much more than multiple affairs and years apart to corrode. So he took Derek's usual chair by her side.
"How're you doing?" he asked. It was a stupid question, and he hadn't heard Derek ask it once, but he figured it was the best start he was going to come up with.
"Okay," she responded, and he had to read her lips to figure out what she was trying to say.
"You know, we're all here, Addie," he said randomly, searching for something to say. "We're all going to support you through this."
"Thank you, Mark."
"I know we have a past, Addison, and I just want to say I'm sorry for hurting you."
"I'm sorry too," she said, and with the exchange of apologies he felt their old friendship emerge out of the painful awkwardness. "Friends?" she asked, holding out her hand, and both knew no more needed to be said.
"Friends," he agreed with a grin. He opened his mouth to update her on the hospital's current gossip, and tell her about Callie, and reveal the sorts of trouble Devony had caused Derek, but his pager went off. "Sorry, Addie, I'll be back in a minute," he promised.
What he saw next would haunt him for years to come. Responsibility stared him in the face in the form of Devony Shepherd, and he lifted her, muffling her sobs against his scrubs, knowing that it was now his duty to care for her.
The surrounding crowd was thick, but he could just make out Derek's limp form, out cold in the hall of the hospital. Random words invaded his shock, "Got a pulse … collapsed … what could be? … just standing here, holding his kid …"
Devony clutched a cookie in an icing-covered hand, tears pouring down her porcelain cheeks as she watched her father be lifted onto a gurney. That kicked Mark into action. This man, who he'd known since they'd shared Derek's lunch in second grade (his mother forgot to pack him one), was now being carted off for tests, while his wife lay in bed, just as sick or sicker than him and his daughter watched in horror.
"Meredith was right," Richard Webber said, coming up beside Mark. "Damn it. Shepherd swore he was fine, that he was just tired … and now …"
"He'll be fine," Mark grunted with conviction. There was no other alternative. Derek had responsibilities, Addison, his daughter; Devony couldn't lose both her parents, not when Addison's sanity and health were suspended by a fine thread as it was …
"What should we tell Addison?" Richard asked, worry etched into every line of his face.
"We can't tell her. This would destroy whatever progress she's made. Because if Derek dies, then we've lost her as well." His words released a harsh truth that settled over both men and the little girl, who asked:
"Is Daddy dying, Unca Mark?" He had no answer.
So, I feel like Addison and Casey's meeting was a little rushed ... but it wasn't really what Casey said that will affect Addison, it's how she's handling everything that inspires her to be stronger. And Derek ... I can't tell you what's wrong, only that I think it will be pretty surprising. It's not cancer, BTW. You're free to guess if you'd like, and if you do I'll give you a prize (or a hypothetical prize), but I seriously doubt anyone will guess.
