My Never
Chapter 24

Thanks for the reviews, everyone! I know Addie and Derek are in a huge mess right now but they will get out eventually ... I promise.


~ Addison ~ Seattle Grace ~ present

There was something wrong.

Her first clue was the whispers in her sleep. When the stars melted, leaving the sky bleak and dark, and the shadows surrounded her, boxing her in, the nightmares that had lain dormant for weeks returned.

Her second clue was his absence. Derek had been her only constant in her recovery, and unmoving statue of peace, light, and hope. A part of her had worried that he would morph slowly into the old Derek, discarding her in favor of rare surgeries and intriguing consults. Now she worried that it had all been too good to be true. But how could Derek abandon her now?

Addison's third and final clue was the look on Mark's face when he settled to wait in the chair beside her, and later the look on Richard's whenever he passed her door. Everyone seemed to be avoiding her, like she had some sort of repulsive force emanating from her; even the nurses wouldn't meet her eyes.

Mark shifted in the chair, clearly uncomfortable, and frustration bloomed inside her: Did they assume she was too fragile to hear about whatever had happened? Yes, she had been broken, but she was still, to some degree, the person she'd always been.

"Mark?" she ventured from her spot in the bed. "Do you know where Derek is?" The moment she uttered the words, she knew she'd struck gold. Mark flinched and stared at his shoes.

His silence confirmed her worst fears. She was a fool to think it was real this time, that her hold on Derek could not be broken, that he loved her as fiercely as she loved him. Addison knew it wasn't exactly easy to be around her, and she had tried, since meeting Casey, to be stronger … but the truth was, on the inside she was in ruins.

"He left, didn't he," she sighed. "I always knew he'd leave again. Why reason would he have to stay?"

"Addison, Derek loves you," Mark finally answered. She could tell he was alarmed by her hysterical tone.

"Then why isn't he here, Mark? He promised he would be here and he's not. That's Derek, I guess. Good at making promises but lousy at following through."

"He didn't leave, Addie."

"Then where the hell is he, Mark? I can't do this without him!" she yelled. "I can't, I can't."

The look on Mark's face told her she had never been more wrong. "Derek's sick, Addison."

Darkness descending, pulling her down along with his words. Derek, sick? What did that mean? Surely, surely, Mark had made a mistake. Derek would walk in here, smile on his face, and kiss the darkness away. He would tell her about his latest procedure and the patient he had saved and their grateful family. He'd tell her about Devony's latest misdemeanors, because she couldn't see him for herself. He would talk away the fear, his honeyed voice healing mind and soul and body alike, knitting her back together like no one else could.

"He collapsed in the hall yesterday. We still don't know what's wrong. We've done all the standard tests, Addison, but there's just … nothing. We're getting some more in depth blood work done, and he's conscious but very weak."

Derek, her knight, struck down. The world slipped out beneath her feet, burying her, and she fell down, down, down. Until there was only blackness.

"Derek?"

Derek?


~ Devony ~

She stepped forward hesitantly, wide eyes searching for monsters in the dimly lighted hospital. Her mother had promised numerous times that they did not exist, but her eyes caught flickers of them hiding in the darkness, and she buried her head in the sleeve of her striped purple hoodie so their glowing eyes would not be able to see her.

"There are no monstwers. There are no monstwers," she whispered. "Pluffie, don't be scared." She cradled the giraffe. "There aren't any monstwers."

At the end of the hall, Unca Mark talked with Gwampa Richard and Tuck's mommy in hushed voices, about grown-up things that they wanted kept secret. In fact, they were so intent on their discussion that they didn't even see her as she slipped into her mother's dark hospital room.

"Mommy?" she called into the inky blackness, but she received no answer. Slowly her eyes adjusted, and she walked forward to the end of the bed. Her mother's body lay slumped to the side, facing for the wall and for one terrifying instant Devony thought she was dead … but then her chest rose and fell and Devony sighed aloud.

First her mother was gone, then she was sick and laid in bed all the time, and now her father was sick too. Was she next? How could they both leave her to be shunted from person to person throughout the day?

Devony edged around the end of the bed until her mother's still face was visible. "Mommy?" she whispered, afraid. Addison's eyes were open, and reflecting the dim light from outside, but she did not move or otherwise indicate that she had seen her daughter, standing right in front of her.

"Mommy, are you sleeping?" she asked fearfully, but then eyelids closed briefly over flecks of azure. "What's the matter? Mommy?" Her mother screamed in her sleep these days, but she always woke up, and was always ready to engulf Devony in a hug whenever she skinned her knees running at the trailer or was tired of waiting for Daddy to be finished with his surgeries.

"Don't you want me?" she asked. Her father had told her that her mother hadn't left because of her, and hadn't wanted to leave at all … but then why did she go? Why was she so scared all the time? Devony felt like there was a piece of the puzzle missing, that the grown-ups were keeping things from her, because her three-year-old brain just couldn't make sense of it …

She fought the tears pooling in her eyes, wiping her face on her sleeve impatiently, but they continued to pour. "Please, Mommy?" she begged, reaching out her hand to brush the thin cotton of her mother's hospital gown. "Mommy! MOMMY!"

Her yells alerted Mark and Richard, who came running. "What's wrong," she asked as Mark lifted her gently. "What's wrong with Mommy?"


~ Mark ~

As he lifted Devony Shepherd, trying to be careful of her flailing limbs, he realized he knew that it would come to this the second he saw Derek lying on the floor. It had always been the three of them, him, Derek, and Addison, and now he was the only one left to care for the child they had borne.

Sickness curled in his stomach, twisting it in knots, as he stared down at Addison's body. Throughout her ordeal, Devony had been the only one with the master key to her heart, and now she wouldn't, or couldn't, acknowledge her daughter. Her skeletal frame was frighteningly still, it was difficult to believe she was still breathing, and Mark realized she wouldn't move again until there was news of Derek's plight.

"What's wrong with Mommy?" Devony asked again, her small hands tugging on his scrubs.

"She's sick, Dev," was all he could think of to say.

"But why are Mommy and Daddy both sick? What about me?" The three-year old's sky colored eyes were wide, and Mark found that he had no answer for her. What about Devony? What would happen to her, in the absence of her parents, the only two people Mark had truly ever cared about, besides Callie?

"You're gonna hang out with me today," he said slowly, and although it was only a short-term solution, Devony seemed satisfied. She didn't have to worry about the vague, shrouded future he did. Must have been nice.

Devony ended up on his back, and he gave her a piggyback for the remainder of the day, which downsized his ego quite a bit. She was a high-energy child and easily bored and although he'd watched her before, usually Derek was there to help. And Derek was a natural who always knew what to say. He, Mark, rarely had any idea.

"Unca Mark?" she would ask, teenie little legs swinging in front of him. "If you was an animal, which one would you be?"

"A shark."

"No! Shwarks are scarewy!" she squealed, pounding her small fists on the back of his head in protest.

"Okay, fine. How about a bunny?"

"No, Unca Mark, you can't be a bunny!"

And so it went. The little girl asked questions about his patients, about past girlfriends, about his friends (she was surprised when he said he didn't have any besides Addison and Derek), about his favorite color (he didn't have one), about his pets (he didn't have any of those either.)

"Unca Mark, you're boring," she finally moaned. "Daddy is much more intwesting than you."

There finally came the moment when he had nothing more to do and no patients left to see, and Mark had no idea what he was supposed to do. Devony would hate the hotel where he still stayed and it wouldn't feel right to take her out to the trailer, where Derek was imprinted on every surface and sunk deeply into every seam.

He finally found himself outside Callie's apartment. Callie, he had a feeling, would know what to do. They had babysat Devony together several times before, and although this was a little different, he hoped she would help him out.

"Cal?" he called as he pounded on the door.

"Unca Mark, I'm tired," Devony whined from his back.

"I know. Callie," he sighed in relief when she opened the door.

She laughed when she saw Devony clinging like a monkey to his back, hands fisted in his hair. "You are in waaay over your head," she said, but moved aside to let him in. She had apparently been having dinner with Burke and Cristina, who were sitting at her table.

"Any news of Derek?" Burke asked in his deep voice.

"No," Mark sighed, setting Devony down on the floor.

An hour later, Devony was dressed in a t-shirt of Cristina's and fast asleep on the couch. He and Callie had managed to get her bathed, not, however, without getting very wet themselves, and Callie had braided her long, midnight hair. The child had apparently liked whatever Burke had cooked for her, and she fell right asleep after eating the ice cream that Callie had dug out of the freezer.

"I love kids," Callie sighed as she pulled the blankets tighter around Devony's sleeping form. "I mean, they're crazy and all, but I can see myself doing this."

"Right," said Mark doubtfully. But the funny thing was, he kind of could too.


~ Addison ~

It amazed her that time could pass, and yet it did. Her measurement of time, however, was not second by second or hour by hour, but rather by the vague observation of the hospital filling up and emptying out as the sun and moon chased each other across the sky.

It astounded her how every particle, every cell, every atom of her body seemed to need him. Derek was a lantern in the darkness that had become her life, and without him she couldn't find her way. Without him she couldn't heal, because without him she was afraid.

If she reached out of her cocoon of safety, the blackness would rush in, enveloping her again. She was aware of Mark and Richard and all the others, talking to her and around her, but it seemed as if they were speaking from the other end of a very dark tunnel, and she couldn't quite understand what they were saying.

Days, she wasn't sure how many, flew by. It felt like an eternity without Derek, although in reality it couldn't have been that long. She tried to tune out the voices, because they could carry bad news just as easily as good. If Derek died, she would fade and cease to exist also, because living without him wasn't truly living.

One day there were new voices, and Addison learned of the arrival of Carolyn, Nancy, Kathleen, Elizabeth, and Kristin when they entered her room in a whirlwind of sound.

"Oh my God, Addison," Carolyn said, rushing to her side.

"She hasn't moved since we told her about Derek," Mark's rumbling voice said from off to the side.

"Mommy is sick," Devony contributed, a hint of protectiveness coloring her tone.

"Addie, Derek will be okay," Nancy said soothingly.

"I sure hope you're right," Kristin retorted. "Cause if not …"

"Shut up, Kristin!" Kathleen snapped. "She's laying right there! And if you ever want her to, I don't know, move again, I suggest you …"

"Girls," Carolyn said warningly.

"This is so typical of Derek," Elizabeth sighed. "We finally make it over here to Seattle, and he's lying around in a hospital bed." It was a brave attempt to lighten the mood, but it fell flat, evaporating in the tense atmosphere.

"How were things going … you know, before?" Kathleen asked softly.

"Well …" said Mark in a hesitant voice. "It was mostly Derek who was with her, you know? Derek and Devony, that is, so I'm not exactly sure. Things were real bad at first; she screamed in her sleep and wouldn't let anyone touch her. But it was getting better, recently … Derek sure picked an excellent time to collapse," he said sarcastically. "Apparently the only reason that Addison was even remotely okay was because of him."

"He's been going for years and years," Carolyn sighed. "I told him to slow down, spend time with Addison, maybe start a family, but he didn't listen. It lost him his wife and child, and now it may lose him his life."

Silence settled over the room for several minutes, but Addison couldn't summon enough curiosity to open her eyes and see what was going on. Eventually she heard voices again, but they were muted, and she deduced that they had moved outside. She was afraid to fall asleep, because without Derek the dreams would surely come again, so she stared at the wall, imagining she could see patterns in its flat whiteness. But when those patterns turned to faces, familiar faces cast in shadow, she shut her eyes tight.


Sorry, next time you will find out what's wrong with Derek. Nobody guessed it, but some people were kind of close ... anyway reviews = update sooner! :D