My Never
Chapter 28
So we have some happiness and sadness and healing … all needed. Sorry about the late update, I've been a little busy :)
Addison ~ Seattle Grace ~ present
Her alarm clock, in the shape of her spirited, sable haired daughter, woke her the second the sun stretched its long, arching rays over the horizon. Devony launched herself at Addison, small limbs flying, waking her with butterfly kisses and taps on her uninjured patches of skin.
"Hey, baby," Addison laughed, smelling the woodsy scent of the trailer in Devony's long hair as she gathered her daughter in her arms. Derek was, as always, right behind her, already dressed in his indigo scrubs after an early morning surgery.
It had been two weeks since their perfect, enchanting, moonlit night at Richard's hospital function, which meant Addison had been back at Seattle Grace for two months. Some things had changed, others had stayed the same and Addison found that even in the midst of disaster, things could and did get a little bit better everyday.
She and Derek had achieved a new level of intimacy since the dance. It was not in any way physical, but it was ultimately more powerful, and she was as attuned to his emotions as he was to hers. Addison's pain was Derek's pain, her happiness his, and as she was healed from her harrowing nightmare, he was too.
It was the little things too, that as they learned to be together again, they discovered that they hadn't forgotten. Derek took the orange slices out of her sesame chicken salad when he brought it from the cafeteria, she was mildly allergic. He brought her magazine featuring the latest fashions from the stand at the corner of the street and watched her run her fingers over them, longing for the day when couture could replace hospital attire.
Addison, in turn, ate Derek's discarded pizza crusts that he'd never liked, endured the Clash on the metallic purple boom box he'd bought Devony, and ran her fingers through his dark curls when he fell asleep in the chair beside her bed after a long surgery. She knew when he was tired and didn't want to talk; he knew when to distract her from her terrifying thoughts and when to let her deal with them. He knew exactly where to place his hands when he touched her and how to help her when she needed to go to the bathroom without embarrassing her and every quirk and wish and fear.
They were morphing from two people back into one and it scared her as much as it warmed her.
"Will you tell me now, Daddy?" Devony asked Derek, and Addison gave him an inquiring look.
Derek rolled his eyes. "You know how she's been obsessed with the fairytale thing lately?" he asked Addison, and she nodded. Ever since returning from the play with Archer, Devony had transformed every aspect and related every facet of their lives to princesses and magic. Poor Tuck, her 'boyfriend', became a martyr to her schemes as she placed make-up and crowns on his head, and Mark inadvertently revealed how Devony had made him and Derek into princesses, to Addison's extreme amusement.
"She wants to know how we met, namely our fairytale," Derek told Addison.
"Tell me, Daddy, tell me!" Devony begged, and Addison smiled as Derek's ultimate weapon, his beautiful blue eyes, were used against him by his daughter.
"All right!" he said, lifting her and swinging her around to sit beside them. "Where should I start? Hmm … how about: Once upon a time there was a princess."
"Mommy!" Devony interrupted excitedly.
"Yes, you're right. She was the most beautiful princess in the whole world, in the whole universe, even. She had gorgeous long red hair, eyes the color of the ocean on the clearest day, and the most amazing bod-"
"Oooo-kay," Addison said. "Moving right along."
"Right. Anyway," Derek said, smirking at Addison. "The princess was sad, though, because her mommy didn't take very good care of her. She didn't even let her call her mommy," Derek told Devony, his face very serious, and Devony gasped. She felt for Addison's hand and squeezed it, and Addison felt her heart swell with love and affection from the simple gesture. There was no doubt that Devony would be amazing. She genuinely cared about people in ways Addison didn't know a three year old was capable.
"Also," Derek continued, and Addison refocused, "her daddy wasn't very nice either. Luckily there was a prince."
"You, Daddy!" Devony interrupted again.
"Yes, it was Daddy," Addison said, inserting herself into the telling. "He was the most handsome prince in all the land."
"Just in all the land? I said the whole universe," Derek pouted.
"Fine, the whole universe then," she said, pretending to be exasperated. "He had a white horse and sparkling blue eyes and fabulous hair …"
"As did the princess," Derek added.
"Is that how they met? Because they had fabuwous hair?" Devony asked.
Derek and Addison exchanged a glance. "Sure," they said at the same time. It was more exciting than just saying they met at college. Devony couldn't have understood the magic of that night; of secret glances across snow capped hills, and the thrill of knowing you'd met somebody you never wanted to let go of. Nobody could fathom what had happened between Addison and Derek unless they had been there.
"And the prince loved the princess very much," Derek said.
"And the princess loved the prince too," she added.
"And so after Med School where they learned how to save people and be doctors, the prince and the princess got married," Derek said, and paused. The parts that followed were not always happy or always easy, but she felt, and she thought Derek did as well, that Devony should know love was not all sunshine and rainbows.
"And then I was born?" Devony guessed, a smile on her face.
"No, not exactly," Derek hedged.
"The prince and princess had a beautiful baby girl, but she was very sick, so she had to go up to heaven to live with the angels. And the prince and princess missed her, but they were happy for many, many years," Addison said.
"And then they lived happily ever after," Devony cheered.
"No," Addison contradicted reluctantly, wondering if she was corrupting her daughter with a little too much reality. "One night, the prince and the princess had a terrible fight. Over M – a lark," she caught herself quickly.
"What's a lark?" Devony asked, wrinkling her nose.
"Nothing. Never mind. They got in a fight and the prince made a big mistake. He left and went to Seattle," Derek said, trying to salvage the story.
"Sewattle. Hmm," Devony said, the wheels in her brain obviously turning.
"Yes. He met a different woman there. And he liked her, maybe loved her for a while," Derek told her, and his voice was pained, clearly regretting the past. Addison squeezed his hand, trying to keep him from beating himself up too much. They'd both made terrible mistakes, and they'd both atoned for them.
"But what about Mommy?" Devony asked, very upset.
"The princess followed the prince. And he remembered that he loved her, and how they used to be, and they were happy for a little while," said Addison.
"But … the prince wasn't thinking very clearly. He wasn't very nice to the princess because he was still upset about the lark. So there was a ball, and at the ball he did something very, very naughty," Derek said.
"Like draw on Mewydith's wall?" Devony asked with an innocent smile, clearly lost in the memories.
"Uh … no. Not exactly," Derek struggled while Addison tried not to laugh.
"The princess thought the prince didn't love her anymore, so she left," Addison sighed.
"I don't like this story, Mommy," Devony whined, and Addison was alarmed to see tears in her eyes.
"No, no, sweetie, it has a happy ending," she promised. "The princess went back to New York. And while she was in New York, she had a baby. The best, smartest, most beautiful baby in the world," she said, tickling Devony's tummy.
"But Momma … I don't get it. How did she have a baby without the daddy?" Devony asked.
"We'll get to that later," Addison said quickly, and she and Derek tried to keep from laughing. "The prince still loved the princess, and the princess still loved the prince, but neither of them knew it. The princess was a mommy, and she had to take care of the little baby princess, and the prince was still with the other woman."
"I don't like her. She's like the wicked witch. Does she die?" Devony asked innocently.
"No, no," Derek said quickly. "She's not the wicked witch, and she doesn't die." Addison paused to contemplate the irony. When she'd arrived in Seattle, she had been the bad guy, Satan, the wicked witch come to ruin Derek and Meredith's fairytale. And now, four years later … she was the star of Derek's love story again, and her daughter called the other woman the witch.
Derek hesitated, the words no longer spilling from his lips, and Addison knew the hard part was coming. She sucked her breath in sharply, and Derek took her hand. "Then the princess was kidnapped by some bad, bad men." Derek's voice was barely more than a whisper, and Devony leaned in closer. "They were the bad guys. So the little princess had to go live with her daddy, the prince. And they searched for the princess, but she was nowhere to be found."
"What happened next?" Devony asked, enraptured even though she already knew what happened.
"Well, after a very long search the prince found the princess. And she was very hurt, but he healed her. And the prince, the princess, and the little princess were finally all together."
"And they became king and queen of Sewattle. And lived happily ever after!" Devony squeaked excitedly.
"The end," Addison finished.
"No, Momma, not the end!" Devony said, very upset. "What about a castle?"
Addison rolled her eyes. "Try trailer, sweetie," she said with a laugh. Derek got a funny look on his face when she said that, and she gave him a questioning look. They would have to talk about the trailer later.
"They need a castle! Plus the little princess is lonely! So the king and queen need to have some little brothers and sisters for her!" Devony said in an agitated voice.
"Okay. They found a beautiful castle to live in, and …" Derek hesitated, clearly unsure.
"And they had a baby for the little princess to play with," Addison added in a firm voice, and there was nothing in the world that meant more to her than Derek's huge smile in that moment.
"Okay, Dev," Derek said, lifting her off Addison's lap. "Would you like to go to the daycare to see Tuck now? Daddy needs to talk to Mommy about some stuff."
"You mean," Devony corrected with utter seriousness, "the prince needs to talk to the princess."
"Okay, sure," said Derek as he carried her out. He tickled her tummy, setting off gales of laughter. As Derek and her daughter were framed in the doorway for a second, Derek looked back and winked, as if to say he was more enthusiastic about the idea of their fairytale than he was letting on.
~ Derek ~
"So, I had an idea," Derek said as he pushed a wheelchair into Addison's room. She set the book she was reading, A Thousand Splendid Suns, on the table beside her and turned to look at him, curling her knees to her chest, and looking, in that instance, years younger. "Since Callie gave your pelvis the okay, and our last wheelchair excursion went well … you want to try again? You don't have to be cooped up in this room anymore, Adds."
"It's kind of self-inflicted, Derek," Addison said with a sigh. "I can either be in here, alone, or be out there and have people staring at me the whole time. Which would you choose?"
"Since when do you care what people think?" Derek asked.
"I don't, really," she said with a shrug. "But I was never one for pity, nor speculation, and when I'm around other people there's plenty of both."
"I know how hard this is, Addie, but you're going to have to start coming out of here sometime, and now is as a good time as any to start."
He hated to beg, but she gave in when he gave his best puppy dog look. "Okay," she said reluctantly and he suspected that she was humoring him.
"Are you sure you should be reading this?" Derek asked after flipping through a few pages of the book. It was about strength and sacrifice but Derek was afraid the topic of abused women would cut a little too deeply into unhealed wounds.
"It has a good ending," Addison protested, and he relented, because a happy ending was what she needed more than anything.
Derek managed to procure clothes from Izzie, who dug through her locker to find a pink velour sweat suit and a pair of Hello Kitty underwear. Addison eyed them apprehensively but allowed him to help her into them, her arms tight around his neck as she hopped first into the ridiculous underwear and then into the pants. She refused the jacket, so when they set off into the hospital it was in her hospital gown and pink pants.
Addison's grip on the armrests of the wheelchair was alarmingly tight, and she shrank back slightly every time they passed another person. Richard waved when they passed him talking to another doctor, and Mark winked from a patient's side, but Derek feared that he may have been wrong, maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all.
They stopped in the lobby and Derek bought her a vanilla latte, which she simply held in her skeletal hands and inhaled while gazing out at the rain falling gently onto the pavement. Her gaze lingered on the vibrant green of the trees and shrubs, bursting with life, and the people passing by on the sidewalk, their lives as blissful and distant as the clouds above them.
"Thanks," she whispered softly after they had stood there together for a while. "It's easy to forget, in there, that regular life still exists."
"We're heading closer toward it every day," he assured her. "There's something I have to tell you, Addison. Please … please just hear me out, okay?" He thought he heard her mumble her assent, although it could have been an expression of trepidation. "Well, the hospital has this renowned trauma counselor, Addie. She's a psychiatrist, actually, and I made you an appointment."
"What?" Addison asked in a trembling voice.
"Just see her once, Addie, and if you don't like it, well … I won't make you do it again. But I really thing this could help us," he said, kneeling in front of her wheelchair and taking her hands. "I love you. No matter what, I love you."
"You don't understand, Derek!" Addison said, her voice rising about the dull roar of the cafeteria. "I'm so damaged, not on the outside but on the inside, and if anyone but you sees it …"
"You need help. Anyone in your position would need help. You pretend to be okay for Devony, but Addison … what if you really could be okay? I know you can do this. I love you, Addie, but I need you to do this for me, please?"
He'd used every weapon he possessed, if she didn't agree now he didn't think she ever would. But Addison nodded slowly, her head seeming too big on her rail thin form, the motion making her collarbones show sharply through her skin. "If that's what you want," she said.
"I want you better. Anything for that," he vowed.
~ Addison ~
"I love you," Derek had said. "No matter what, I love you." Addison repeated the words over and over in her head, going over every detail of his face, the way the skin around his eyes crinkled adorably, the fathomless dedication in his eyes, the feel of his lips on her forehead, disarmingly soft. "I love you Addie, but I need you to do this for me, please?"
True to the stereotype, she had never put much stock in psychology as a surgeon, preferring to fix things with well-placed cuts and flawless sutures. Addison believed in the ability to heal what she could see, what was tangible and right in front of her. But, apparently, that wasn't enough because although her body inched toward healed every day, her mind was still scarred almost beyond repair, ruts of the horrible things she could and couldn't remember carved deeply within her skull.
She jumped at the soft knock on the door and ran her hand over the perfectly smooth sheet. The woman that entered looked only a year or two her senior, with eyes that silently bespoke of sympathy and understanding, and cinnamon hair perfectly curled. Addison relaxed slightly, sinking back onto the pillows.
"Hello, Addison," the woman called in a comforting voice. "I'm Dr. Birch, a trauma counselor here at Seattle Grace." She moved towards Addison's bed slowly and she found her head spinning out of control by the rustle of silk, the sound of heels, the woman's dark eyes … meeting people after what happened to her would never be the same. She couldn't help searching for glimmer of evil that would indicate danger.
"All right if I sit here?" Dr. Birch asked, one manicured hand extended towards Derek's usual chair. Addison shrugged, and the woman sat. "Now, Addison, I understand that you are probably skeptical about what I do. It's okay, many people are. But your … Derek and Dr. Webber think this is a good idea, as do I."
Addison was silent, although a slight film of sweat covered her face. Mulling over the things that had happened to her, the scraps she could remember, or telling Derek was one thing. Revealing her own vulnerability and fallibility to a complete stranger was another.
"I know this will be tough, Addison, but I was thinking we could start today by talking about a few of the things you remember. Maybe just what you were doing that day or anything else that you want to share, or any concerns you may have," Dr. Birch said gently.
"I can't," Addison stated.
"Why not?"
"Because," she said, "there's so much I don't remember, so many missing pieces, and I want to remember. No, that's not right. I need to remember. I can't get over it until I know exactly what darkness still eats at the back of my mind."
"I can help you remember," Dr. Birch told her. "Not fake memories, like repressed memory therapy can sometimes generate, but actual events. And not everything, because the drugs will have altered your memory as well, but we can get some of it back."
"Okay," said Addison, taking a deep breath. A cold chill stole over her body, because some things were better left unsaid, some monsters better off undiscovered. But if she wanted to run with her daughter again without being afraid and make love to Derek again with a wild, reckless abandon … she needed to know.
"Lay back," Dr. Birch instructed her. "And close your eyes. Now, I want you to picture the first night. You were apprehended at LAX, no? Okay, picture that. You can tell me what you're seeing if you'd like, but you don't have to."
In her mind's eye, Addison saw the shadow-saturated parking lot, flooded with light by the occasional streetlight, the dim, hulking shapes of cars. She heard the determined click of her heels, a faint sound that might have been a whistle, an engine starting in the distance. Then she saw the men, the van, concrete … waking up in the van, cold hands up her shirt, her last, desperate hope found in a desert gas station, her broken leg, bent strangely …
Then she gasped as another memory intruded.
Addison ~ unknown location ~ 6 months ago
She had been starved of light for so long that colors spun beneath her eyelids as untamed brilliance swamped her. Murmurs surrounded her, but they flowed by her without providing a modicum of understanding. Her back was cradled by an unforgiving concrete floor and her leg throbbed relentlessly.
For a second when she opened her eyes she thought she was blind, but then she focused and was able to see two men standing above her. One had features shrouded in darkness and had black, nondescript clothes, but the other was the picture of opulence. Rolls of caramel colored skin advertised his corpulence as he bent to examine her, his eyes roaming over her body from small, deep-set eye sockets.
"Very nice," the man chuckled appreciatively, his breath made rough from countless cigarettes. "She's a stunner, that's for sure." The man put his pudgy hand under Addison's chin and rotated it, fingers gripping her jaw so hard she was sure they would leave little coin sized bruises.
His hand continued down her neck, stroking the soft white skin there, to her collarbone, and finally to the dip in her ragged but still mostly intact shirt. His smile became wicked as he peeled back the frayed edge, and bile rose in her throat as he plunged his hand deeper …
Before that moment, she felt as if she hadn't known the meaning of abhorrence or what if felt like to truly hate. But her body burnt with detestation and humiliation and she summoned up her strength and spit in his face.
"Stupid bitch!" the man yelled angrily, wiping his deep-set eyes and, in a motion faster than a striking viper, hit her across the face. His many rings left many bloody gouges in her skin and her head rang.
"Too feisty," she heard the man's thick accent say as they moved slightly away. "I wanted a young one, a virgin anyway."
Seattle Grace ~ present
Air was robbed from her lungs and no matter how hard her chest heaved, she couldn't get it back. A ripping noise filled the air, a painful, agonizing noise and it took a several seconds for Addison to realize that was her, the sound of her sobs.
There was a crash as her door hit the opposite wall and Derek and Archer rushed in, both wearing expression appropriate to being faced with a bomb or a large fire.
"What the hell is going on in here?" Archer snapped, rounding on Dr. Birch. "Why was my sister screaming?"
"Dr. Montgomery," Dr. Birch said in a placating voice. "I was simply helping Addison remember a few things. I assure you it is imperative to her healing."
"Are you okay?" Derek asked Addison, placing fingers under her chin gently, but that resembled her recently discovered memory too closely and she pulled away. Fear raged through her, an unforgiving fiend that turned everything grey and bleak and all good into bad. She managed to cease her sobbing but could not help the tears that escaped, and leaned forward to press her face into Derek's shoulder.
"Look at her," Derek said in a concerned voice. "Maybe this isn't a good idea, maybe she isn't ready for this after all."
"It's catharsis, Derek, it's good for her," Dr. Birch said.
"Good for her?" Archer echoed incredulously.
"Archie, stop," Addison called in a tear filled voice before he could launch one of his famous tirades. "I need to do this."
"Not today you don't," Derek said, tucking the blanket tighter around her, brushing the spot where her ribs showed through her hospital gown. "I understand that you need to know, but let's take it one step at a time. I'll schedule another appointment," he said to Dr. Birch and she nodded tactfully and headed for the door.
"You're safe now," Derek whispered in her ear, holding her close. "I promise you're safe now."
I recently reread A Thousand Splendid Suns, which is why I put it in there ... very good book, btw.
That little button down there is calling you ...
