My Never
Chapter 30

Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that my brother's girlfriend liked her present. The bad news is that he barfed all over her front porch and she threw him out.


Addison ~ Seattle Grace ~ present

Entwined hands. Cotton sheets.

"Derek!"

Heaving chests. Curls tangled in her fingers.

"Derek!"

Devouring lips. Fruit-hued tongues.

"Derek," Addison breathed as he pulled his lips from hers softly, the swollen skin reluctant to part. Her fingers stroked the small tuft of hair revealed by the v in his scrub top as she drunk in his dawn-tinted blue eyes in the dim room. They both thirstily swallowed up the appearance of the other, as eager as new lovers, until Derek expressed his impatience by pulling their clothed forms closer again and nipping her bottom lip softly.

In the two weeks since their kiss, Derek had tiptoed around physical affection, pecking her lips softly but refusing to go any further. As a thirty-nine year old woman who hadn't had sex in nearly five years, Addison's sexual frustration and fear of intimacy, as caused by her rape, kept up a constant battle, making her desires so capricious that even Derek couldn't always guess them.

Now they took advantage of Devony visiting Adele and Richard the night before and the general vacancy of the residential wing of the hospital by kissing each other as they hadn't kissed in years. The fluttery feeling of teenagers sneaking around and making out in dark corners was present, but the uncertainty was not, because their lips traced patterns that, while unused, were not forgotten.

Their bodies collided again as Derek's warm arms gathered her close and pulled her to him, so not even the most infinitesimal amount of space was allocated between their two hearts. Air was an unnecessary commodity, at least for the moment, because Addison couldn't imagine needing something more that the feel of Derek's flexing muscles against her suddenly sensitive chest or the sensation of his fingers coaxing downy red curls from her neck.

They were so caught up in their secret, morning love nest that neither of them paused to consider the magnitude of what they were doing. And even though they were only making out there were some wounds that only time could stitch up, that not even the most complete and pure love could cover wholly.

In retrospect, she knew that it wasn't really Derek's fault, he couldn't help it. He couldn't help the hardness that rose against her leg as a result of their dueling tongues and invigorating proximity, just as she couldn't help the memories it invoked and resuscitated, breathing fresh fear into the sensation of a man's body against hers.

She forgot he was Derek. She forgot he wouldn't hurt her. She forgot that she was tucked away in the safety of a warm bed with the man she'd always loved.

The only stirring in her awareness was the feeling of being stretched too wide and too far and the things nameless men had done to her, and that's what she reacted to, her once-gentle hands digging into Derek's skin as she pushed him away, making him cry out in pain. With a motion almost spastic in nature she threw herself from the bed, falling onto the cold linoleum in a tangle of cords and limbs and knocking over some equipment with a crash.

There she sat panting, curled in a fetal position and trying to gather herself enough to apologize to Derek who was still sprawled horrified on the bed. She knew he was punishing himself and it truly wasn't his fault but the terror running through her veins froze her.

Addison had thought that being with Derek would erase the horror of being raped, but she realized that only the ever-moving instants of life would carry it away bit by bit.


~ Derek ~

The loud crashing caused by Addison's fall roused the worries of several nurses and doctors, including Callie, Bailey, and the Chief himself, who, of course, had Devony with him. Derek could hear the harsh sound of Addison's breathing on the floor beside her bed but didn't want to alarm her any further than he had.

Derek rolled onto his belly to hide his erection, cursing his idiocy. He thought he was in tune with Addison's feelings, more so than anyone else, but his actions had provoked fears that had lain buried for weeks. He had been so caught up in kissing her, so caught up in the past and the future that he had forgotten to account for the present, which was that Addison had been rescued from kidnapping a mere 3½ months ago.

"What the hell is going on in here?" Bailey asked, storming in accompanied by a tornado of anger.

Cold showers, Derek thought quickly. Fat aunts, warts, pimples, bad breath. He struggled to overcome nature as he faced Bailey, who was helping Addison back into the bed. "Move your ass, Shepherd."

He did as he was told, standing quickly and attempting to cover his crotch. Although the need was passed, Bailey caught his movements and inferred what had happened. Her look spelled death. Addison grimaced as she was placed back on the bed but gave him an apologetic look.

"What happened here?" Bailey demanded even though she obviously had already figured it out.

"Well," Derek began. "Addison and I were -"

"Are you so damn stupid? Sometimes I find it hard to believe that out of 10,000 sperm, you were the quickest," Bailey snapped at him.

"What's sperm?" Devony inquired as she took a running leap at Addison's bed and plunked down a large utility flashlight wearing what appeared to be one of Derek's rather expensive ties.

"Sperm is something that Daddies have. To make babies," Addison clarified as she examined the dressed up flashlight.

"Hmm," Devony said curiously, tapping her chin. "Like potion?"

"Uh – not exactly," Addison said, endeavoring but failing to pull an appropriate, succinct explanation from the air. "What's this?" she asked, holding up the embellished flashlight as a distraction, which at second glance Derek noticed rhinestones and a pair of pink doll bloomers along with the tie.

"That's Ben. He's my new Daddy," Devony said elatedly.

One of Addison's eyebrows took its customary trip up toward her hairline. "New Daddy?" she questioned. "What about your old Daddy?"

"He wouldn't let me wear my texy outfit on my date with Tuck," Devony elucidated haughtily, turning her upturned nose away from him.

"She had on her sparkly high heels, Strawberry Shortcake underwear, and a dress-up vampire cape," Derek defended. "Of course I wasn't going to let her out of the house – trailer – like that."

"What date are you talking about, Dev?" Addison asked her.

"Me and Tuck are going on a date to daycare," Devony stated. "It starts in," she squinted at the clock, "Forty-three and a half minutes."

"Okay, people, let's get a move on," Richard said. "Dr. Bailey, some crutches would be lovely, Dr. Torres, cut the damn cast off already, and Shepherd, I want to talk to you outside."

Derek gleaned one last look at Addison as he followed Richard resignedly out of the room and to his profound relief, she was smirking at him, gleefully contemplating the lecture he was sure to receive. Juggling her emotions each day was an arduous undertaking, yet he was glad that they could take their everyday challenges in stride and keep moving forward.

Richard released a sigh when they reached the relative privacy of the hallway, and Derek prepared himself for a scolding. When his old mentor wasn't forthcoming, Derek took the offensive and said, "Look, Richard, I know what that looked like, but -"

"I didn't bring you out here to reprimand you, Shepherd," Richard said in a weary voice.

Surprised, Derek ran a hand through his hair and assumed a more relaxed position against the door. "What is this about, then?"

Richard leaned beside him, exhibiting irresolution, and began hesitantly, "Well, Derek, Addison's been in this hospital for three and a half months. Technically, she doesn't need to stay here anymore."

"Dammit," Derek swore. "I was hoping to have the house finished to take her home to, but it's going to take another month at the very least."

"The thing is, although Dr. Birch has given Addison the all-clear, she would still need someone to be there with her 24/7, for physical and psychological reasons. Crutches in that trailer of yours would be a nightmare."

"Can't she just stay here? No, listen," he said firmly when Richard showed signs of interrupting. "If she's here, I can see her in-between surgeries and she'll have the best care possible. And it's not like we can't afford it. Just until the house is finished?" Derek negotiated.

Richard exhaled slowly. "Fine. But I'm doing this for her, not for you."

Derek met the hooded insult with a grin. "I know. She always was your favorite."

"Exactly. And I know what happened in there was an accident, but you better be careful, Shep, because you know I'll take her side."


~ Addison ~

In a sparkle of brilliant blue dust, her cast was cut away, leaving behind an abnormally skinny limb. Addison winced as she regarded the abundance of dried skin and wondered mournfully if her legs would ever look the same.

"Don't worry," the ortho resident, Callie, laughed. "They all look like that at first. You just need a shower. And a shave."

"Why, Dr. Torres. Did you just insinuate that I'm hairy and smelly?" Addison asked coyly.

"Whoops. Did I say that out loud?" Callie teased as her skilled fingers set to work on Addison's foot, stretching muscles and testing tendons. "Look at the bright side. At least you can do the dirty with your ex-husband now."

"Great. By lunch everyone is going to know about that," Addison groaned. "It sounds real admirable when you say it like that," she added sarcastically.

"We got a problem in here?" Bailey asked as she reentered, crutches in hand, and slammed them down by Addison's bedside.

"Yep. Her ex-husband wants to put his dirty stick in her whoo-ha," Callie sang nonchalantly.

Addison stared incredulously at her and gestured at Devony, but the little girl didn't appear to be paying the least bit of attention to their conversation. Instead, her back was to them, ebony curls spilling onto the back of her lilac Minnie Mouse dress as she played with Ben the flashlight, humming a tune that sounded suspiciously like 'The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow.'

"Do you need me to whoop his ass back into shape?" Bailey muttered. "Because believe me, I've been waiting half my life to whoop Shepherd's ass back into shape."

"No, no, it's not that I don't want to get back on the horse," Addison explicated. "My body wants to get back on the horse. But my mind can't."

"No fair, Momma, I want to ride a horsey," Devony pouted from the corner.

"You hate horses," Addison reminded her. "You begged me to take you to that farm in Pennsylvania after your third birthday and then when we got there you wouldn't go in because you said it spelled like poopie."

Devony shrugged, "Oh yeah. Ben will never take me to the horsies, will you Ben?"

Addison rolled her eyes and turned back to the other two women. "Like I was saying, it's not that I don't want to do the dirty with him -"

"I make a point of not getting involved in my colleagues' sex lives," Bailey complained.

"Oh, shut up," Callie said dismissively. "You'll know when you're ready, Addison. Then, as Nike says, just do it."

"Somehow affiliating my sex life with some sports tagline is not turning me on," Addison commented dryly.

"Sex and sports? Sounds good to me," Derek joked as he reentered.

"I've said from the beginning that you are nasty," Bailey informed him. "Now, you can start by helping her walk. Not sticking your tongue down her throat."

Derek chuckled good-naturedly and moved to her side, wrapping an arm securely around her waist as her feet descended hesitantly toward the cold floor. He supported her gently as she took the first steps forward to the future they'd managed to spin out of anguish and agony.

The wing in which she had been placed was designed for longer stays, so it was nicer and also mostly deserted as she practiced placing one foot in front of the other, already going over designer ensembles in her head to go with her many shoes that she would finally be able to wear again.

"Addie?" Derek asked from beside her after a few minutes of comfortable silence.

"Hmm?"

"I just wanted to say," he spun her to a stop, cupping her face gently in wide, warm palms, "that I'm sorry."

"You're sorry about what?" she teased. "Being a man? Believe me, I'm glad you are, because I've seen one too many yeast infections to ever be a lesbian."

"Good to know," he replied before bestowing a light, soft kiss on her lips.

"It just might be a little while before you can put your dirty stick in my whoo-ha, though, as Callie so eloquently put it."

"I can wait," he assured her, "as long as you need, as long as it's not forever."


So ... I tried to show how far Addie's come in her healing process, but that she and Derek still have a little ways to go. Don't know how well it went, but I tried. Also, since in this story Addison never really knew Callie that well because she left at the end of season 2, that was an alternate beginning to their friendship. Involving dirty talk. What fun.
Reviews? Please? :D