(A/N) Sorry about that, kiddos! Last semester really caught up to me in a bad way and this semester isn't going much better haha. But with the return of FMA to netflix, my motivation has been revived! Also if you remember, I said I was working on a Halloween costume in my notes from the last chapter, and I actually finished it and wore it to a party! You can see it on my tumblr here: post/166800458877/heres-my-edward-elric-costume-it-took-me. Besides that, let me know what you guys think of the chapter! Tbh I'm pretty hype for the next one.


Chapter 4: Words That Sting

Roy sat at his desk with his fingers laced and his elbows resting on the surface. He stared forlornly at the document that lay before him, wondering just how things had come to this. It was supposed to have been easy, but things had just gotten messy. He'd read the unofficial report three times, wanting to make sure he had all the details. The Joseph Crane mission had been successful, but not without sacrifice.

The Colonel knew he should feel more remorse for the fallen soldier, but he couldn't seem to muster the focus to do so. His thoughts were lingering on the alchemist sent to handle the situation. This wasn't the first mission where Ed had lost someone, but the boy never took it well. The first time someone had died while he was on a mission, the boy had locked himself in his dorm for three days with just a stack of alchemy books and half a loaf of bread. Havoc had been the one that finally snapped him out of it, and none of the others were quite certain how he did it. After that, and though it was infrequent, Ed managed to keep himself pulled together.

Roy just hoped he'd be able to do so this time around.

"Sir." The Lieutenant drew his attention from the sheet. She stood perfectly still at the front of his desk, holding a stack of papers that would no doubt find their way to the men on the other side of his door. "Mrs. Walsh is here."

Roy nodded and carefully placed the paper in one of the drawers in his desk. These meetings were never easy, and he dreaded the upcoming conversation. "Send her in."

Moments later, a short, red haired woman shuffled into his office. She took the seat in front of Roy's desk after he motioned for her to sit. Roy cleared his throat and mentally braced himself.

"Mrs. Walsh, I regret to inform you…"

The train ride back to Eastern Command seemed to be flying by much quicker than the ride out had been. Ed stared dully out the window, watching the drab scenery go by. There were two stops left before the East City stop, and then the train would continue further east. Ed hadn't slept a wink since they'd captured Crane, and the exhaustion was becoming apparent.

The boys had only stayed one extra day in the town, just long enough to repair the structural damages to the compromised buildings. And for Ed to stare at the hotel ceiling all night, but that was a minor detail. They'd left Crane in custody with the MPs, who had immediately boarded the next train east. A few others took care of the legal matters, and another took an account of what happened from Ed.

Neither Ed or Al had been happy about the outcome of the mission, but Al was taking it in better strides than Ed. The older brother had been relieved when Al confided that he hadn't actually seen the murder, but had gotten there just in time to calm Ed.

"Some older brother I turned out to be… needing to be comforted by his kid brother." Ed shifted in the uncomfortable train bench, resting his chin in his left palm. They were nearing the next stop, and he was thankful for the opportunity to stretch his legs. And soon, they'd arrive at Eastern command.

Sleep still eluded Edward, and he craved the reprieve from his thoughts. He couldn't seem to turn his mind off long enough to catch his breath. He couldn't even help the despairing thoughts that floated through his head. They bombarded him at every waking moment, but he couldn't seem to coax himself into sleeping.

They stopped for a few minutes to stretch in small town and were soon back on the train. Ed tried to take his mind off the mission by watching his brother. He was covered in little scuffs and nicks, just general wear and tear from their time on the road. And come to think of it, Ed's arm and leg could use a little up keep as well. They were already headed eastward bound, so an extra stop out wouldn't be too terrible.

Ed leaned forward and knocked against Al's armor. "Whaddya say we make a stop in Resembool to see Granny and Winry? I'm all out of oil and you need some polish, and besides, they've been harping on us to come back for a while."

Al perked up and nodded. "I think that's a great idea, brother!" He suddenly stopped, remembering why they were heading east in the first place. "Oh, but you have to see the colonel first. And he'll probably have another assignment for you."

Ed waved him off and smirked. "I'll take off at the East City stop and you go on ahead to Resembool. If I tell the Colonel you're already out there, he can't send me off on another mission for at least another couple of days."

Al considered this for a few moments, then agreed. "Will you be alright on your own, brother?"

The East City stop came into view over the horizon. "I'll be fine, Al. It'll only be a day. Just don't go wandering off and getting into trouble, okay?" Ed gathered his suitcase and moved closer to the edge of his seat as the train began to stop.

"I should be saying that to you." Al watched as Ed walked off and stopped outside the window. Al leaned out and waved goodbye, leaving Ed alone on the platform.

Crying. The distinct sound of crying could be heard from the Colonel's office. Except, it was more sobbing than just gently crying. Sheer, desperate sobbing. Muffled utterings of why and how and oh god Ed couldn't take it when females cried. Winry was always crying and he never could comfort her well. While he was concerned about the person in distress, he was thankful that the woman on the other side of the door likely wouldn't need comforting from him.

Suddenly, the door opened slowly, and Ed stepped a respectful distance to the side. An older woman, clutching a military cap to her chest, was the sight that greeted them at the door. She had bright red hair.

The colonel followed her out a moment later and gave Ed a surprised glance. Ed certainly wasn't early to their meeting, but he wasn't his normal level of late either.

Mustang cleared his throat and put his hand on the woman's shoulder. "Edward, this is Mrs. Walsh. Mrs. Walsh, this is Edward Elric, the Fullmetal Alchemist."

The woman suddenly gasped and folded in on herself, sobbing even harder. "A child!? You sent my son on a mission with a child! How could you?! How could you think this boy could keep my Jeremy safe?" She was yelling fiercely at Mustang, her cries filled with anger. Suddenly, she turned to Edward and looked right into his eyes. "My son is dead because of you!"

And oh god, wasn't that what Ed had been telling himself all along? He dropped his gaze to the floor, eyes forced shut as if he could block out her words. He was too ashamed to say anything, to make useless apologies.

Mrs. Walsh slapped Mustang's hand away and fled from the building. There was nothing left for her there anymore.

Ed still hadn't moved from his statuesque position. He was frozen from fear and guilt.

"Fullmetal." The colonel firmly regarded his subordinated, but also with a subtle kindness. He took in Ed's worn appearance and took a mental note of giving the kid a few days rest before his next mission. "Do I need to reassure you that she was just misdirecting her grief? You certainly are not the reason for Private Walsh's death."

Ed nodded as a formality, but he knew the truth. If he hadn't been an incompetent soldier, Walsh wouldn't be gone. He just felt like such a screwup lately, like anything he was a part of fell apart. Anything he touched just shattered, and all he could manage was to hurt people.

Sighing, the colonel shut his office door. "I know we had a meeting scheduled, but something's come up and we'll have to move it. I can take your written report now, and we can meet tomorrow at noon."

"My whole life doesn't revolve around you, bastard. But whatever." Ed reached into his coat and pulled out the report, shoving it into Mustang's hand. He started walking off, not bothering to confirm their appointment tomorrow, but the Colonel knew he'd be there.

Except, he couldn't shake the look in the boy's eyes. It wasn't quite that of when he'd first met him, broken and limbless in a wheelchair. There was a good mix of just complete and utter helplessness and a deep, desperate desire to get something done. There was a franticness in his eyes, and that was a new look. The colonel wondered if maybe he shouldn't've pushed their meeting, just so he could gage Edward's status.

Ed stalked through Eastern Command with his head down, avoiding eye contact and confrontation with anyone he may come across. He just wanted to be left alone so he could return to his barracks as soon as possible.

"My son is dead because of you!"

He choked back a sob as those words reverberated through his head. He had caused nothing but suffering for other people for the past four years, and he just couldn't take it anymore. His brother's hollow, unfeeling, cold body, Nina and Alexander, and now Jeremy. Not just that, he was always making Winry cry, or causing the Colonel's team more problems than they needed.

It was only a matter of time before no one would be able to deal with him anymore.

Edward decided it was finally time for him to do something right.