Chapter 20- Leaving on a Jet Plane
I must have cried for hours. I was angry at myself for allowing anyone to get the best of me again. I had been so careful for so long to meticulously manage how others saw me and it worked because I never gave anyone the chance to find the chinks in my armor. I was supposed to be in control, touching but never touched; that was how I approached my profession. And the one time I let my guard down, the one time I thought I could have faith in another I paid the price.
My exam was in two hours, but I couldn't force myself to care. I knew it was important but my philosophy had always been either you know it or you don't, last minute cramming would get you nothing but confused. My door chimed and I was slightly irritated at the intrusion, but I answered it nonetheless. It was Spock. My stomach turned slightly.
"May I enter?" he asked politely. I shrugged and let him in where he stood in the middle of the room at attention with a stern expression. "I hope I am not disrupting any preparations for your examination, however, I came to inform you that at the conclusion of your test you will be boarding the USS Vico which will transport you most of the way to Earth. They will make further arrangements for you to arrive at the Academy." He paused apparently expecting some kind of protest at the short notice, but I gave none. He frowned slightly and asked, "May I make a personal observation, Doctor?" I raised my eyebrows to encourage him to go on. I just didn't feel like talking today. "It appears that you may have been adversely impacted by the events in sickbay in which you attempted to intervene between Dr. McCoy and the Captain. I am inclined to believe that the Doctor's actions were the result of delirium as I have never before observed him to strike a female. I do not believe that is within the acceptable constructs of his regional heritage. However, as he is a Starfleet officer and you are at this time a civilian, you retain the right to have him court marshaled for behavior unbecoming of an officer. Do you wish to proceed with the charges?"
"No." I whispered miserably. As much as I may have wanted revenge, I knew deep down that McCoy was not much of a fighter by nature and certainly no woman beater. To go ahead with the charges would have forced Jim to testify against his friend as a witness and it all seemed like too much wanton destruction to be justifiable. If he was going to suffer, it wouldn't be at my hands because that would have made me no better than his ex-wife.
"As you wish, Doctor." He quietly replied. He lingered just a moment more before saying, "I am sorry for this experience. If I may make one more observation, it does appear that you and the doctor have a….certain….compatibility. I will not excuse his actions as you would not excuse Nyota's, but if I may quote a familiar voice to you: 'Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt.' Simply put, it would be remiss of you to judge his entire being by this one instance. Even you must know, Doctor, that humans are not always in control of what they do despite a desire to be perfect."
I smiled at his paraphrasing of the very words I told him when his relationship with Uhura ended as well as his quote from Shakespeare. His memory did indeed run long. "But we often fail miserably." I sighed. "I am not angry with him. I am just…..too wrapped up in myself I guess." That was in fact what lie at the very core: it was not so much what he did- it was my blaming or at least equating him with everyone who had wronged me in the past and it simply wasn't fair to him. I could only hold him accountable for his own actions and even that was thrown into question.
"Understandable, however, I have been amazed time and again by the human capacity for forgiveness even for the most egregious offenses." He stated tilting his head slightly. "Even you had what you called a 'moment of grace' for the Romulan female that was in part responsible for your capture and imprisonment when I as well as yourself were certain you were going to exact revenge." It seemed like so long ago. "Of course I will remain impartial to whatever resolution you seek, but I would suggest that you and the doctor come to an understanding before your departure. Perhaps no one more so than I knows how expensive regret can be. One is never assured of more time so it is best not to leave things undone." His words weighed heavy in the air knowing they were going into deep space to face who knew what. "I wish you success on your exam and I look forward to your return." He added as he left. He wasn't much on goodbyes.
I began packing my things, such as they were, into a Starfleet bag. I emptied my drawers and found the picture McCoy gave to me to cheer me up when I had lost Meyers. It always made me smile to see the excitement on Pavel's face and the misery on McCoy's as he growled at him. I turned it over to read the message in McCoy's chicken scratch: 'You are not alone.' Maybe not, but some days were worse than others. I picked up the PADD I bought on the starbase that I had intended to give to McCoy; now I wondered if it was such a good idea. My door chimed again and I rolled my eyes. It was McCoy. My stomach turned twice.
He looked at the floor sheepishly while I stared at him waiting for him to speak. He took a deep breath and said, "I…uh..heard you were leavin' in a few hours." His voice was low and strained as though it required great effort. "I just wanted to say goodbye and good luck…and…" I leaned on the doorframe waiting for him to either walk away or break because I sure as hell wasn't going to. He frowned and squinted at me. "Can I talk to you maybe someplace a little more private than a hallway?"
I debated if I really wanted him in my room. As hard as I tried to fight it, an intense urge to watch him squirm held fast over what I knew should have been more neutral reasoning. I wanted nothing more than to bring all my manipulative forces to bear in order to destroy him Mortal Kombat style and it frightened me because I knew I could. Finally, I stepped aside to let him in and resumed packing while he leaned against my desk.
"Morgan, I heard about what happened." He said in a barely audible voice. I paused because he never called me by my first name. "I barely remember it, but Jim told me what I did to deserve the busted lip and he was right. I can't tell you why or where it came from."
"Because you meant it?" I asked tersely.
"No!" He declared vehemently. "I didn't and I would never. I swear to you on everything I hold sacred I don't feel that way about you. How can I convince you?"
"You don't have to convince me of anything." I mumbled stuffing clothing into my bag. "If you are saying you are sorry, fine. We're cool."
He grabbed me by the shoulders and I immediately pulled away. "You are being awfully possessive for something that doesn't belong to you." I hissed. "Look, McCoy, you were sick and out of your mind. I can live with that. But for God's sake don't make this out to be any more than it was and don't think that 'sorry' amounts to a reset button."
The expression on his face was one of complete frustration and a total lack of words. It clearly begged, 'Please believe me.' I paused when I got the message. Suddenly it was no longer fun to kick the puppy. He quickly looked away with a scowl when his eyes became red and watery. He swallowed it all down and put his hands on his hips with a sigh. I felt like a jerk. "McCoy, I know it should be as easy as that, but it just isn't. It isn't your fault that my instincts tell me to retreat and it isn't even how I would like things to be, but reflexes are hard to change. That was largely how I dealt with things: run away or stay and feel absolutely nothing. It will be ok, I just need some time to come crawling back to where I was because the last thing I want is to exist in a numb shell of myself the way I did for so many years. What happened just scared me more than it probably should have and it was too easy to slip back into old habits."
He nodded somberly and to my surprise drew me into a tight embrace. "I don't want you to, either." His hot breath danced across my scalp and I reluctantly wrapped my arms around his midsection because letting them dangle at my sides seemed rude. He finally released me and smirked. "You know, I am only going to say this once, but if I would have listened to you this would have never happened." I smiled and laughed at his reluctant admission. I was right and he was wrong! I wanted to dance, but it seemed just a bit too much- maybe after he left… "Now, do you need any help packing?"
"No, I think I am pretty much done." I answered looking around the room.
"Look, Collins, I am not real big on goodbyes, but I'm not going to be there to see you off. I just…" he paused and cleared his throat with a frown, "anyway, safe travels and good luck on your exam and training. Remember, be not afraid of greatness: some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon 'em. I know you are tough, you'll be ok."
I felt my knees turn to jelly. "Did you just quote Shakespeare?" I gasped.
He gave a wickedly devious smile and replied, "Twelfth Night, Act 2 scene wasn't the only thing I studied at the Academy, darlin'. Since I already had a degree, I had to fill my schedule with something aside from the refreshers, so I took classic literature."
I couldn't find words even though I wanted to say something. I was too stunned by the fluency and grace with which the words fell from his lips in a slightly sweet southern accent. I finally shook myself free of the paralysis and noted, "That is s fairly common quote. If you want to impress me try something a little harder. Nothing from Romeo and Juliet, Hamlet, Sonnet 18 or 73 and nothing about dogs of war, trading kingdoms for horses, or once more unto the breach."
His eyes sparkled as he laughed at the challenge and long list of stipulations. "Ok, let's see…" he mused still smiling. "I never tempted her with word too large. But, as a brother to his sister, show'd bashful sincerity and comely love."
"Much Ado About Nothing." I sighed catching the irony of his choice.
"Act 4, scene 1." He smiled.
"I had no idea you liked Shakespeare so much. He happens to be my favorite poet." I admitted still feeling dizzy as though his words were wine. A man who spoke French and knew Shakespeare? If he played an instrument, enjoyed fine art or a nice glass of wine now and then I was all his. A mind that gifted was too good to ignore and far too sexy to me.
"Not many do and I would be much obliged if you keep that a secret. I had to hide it from Jim, he thought Shakespeare was a jerk who wrote in archaic English just to piss him off." He rolled his eyes. "The kid has no taste. But to be fair Spock did mention it. The thought of the Bard's words coming from that dispassionate hobgoblin's mouth is just too disturbing for me to think about." He huffed and shook his head in disgust.
"Well then," I smirked picking up the PADD from the desk behind him, "this is for you. Another of my favorites if you haven't read it already."
He took it from me with a small bashful smile and turned it on. "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy." He chuckled. "I have never read this all the way through. It was mentioned as a cult classic, but we never got a chance to study it because the whole damn Nero thing."
"I thought you may like it as it is all sarcasm and wry irony in space travel. Let's just hope things will be slow enough in sickbay for you to read it while I am gone." I checked the time and it was getting close to my scheduled exam. "I have to go." I informed him sadly. "Take care of yourself. I hope you feel better."
"I do." He replied. "In a very real way you are with me. Your antibodies will keep me company." Only a doctor could find that funny. He hugged me again and whispered, "Au revoir ami, je te souhaite la chance." I had no idea what he said, but I was punch drunk with the sound of the syllables and the warmth of his embrace. It was intellectually intoxicating and like a true addict, I wanted more. "You'd best be on your way." He said in a rough, strangled growl loosening his grip. "Go on, now, go earn your title…again."
The exam was just like passing the boards on Earth: there was multiple choice, essay, and an oral component where I was quizzed on psychiatric presentations of Andorians, treatment plans for various impairments, and evaluation measures. Although the questions were difficult, I finished feeling that it had gone reasonably well. The instructor informed me that my results would be provided to McCoy within two days and a copy would be on file should I want one. The woman curtly saluted at the end and I hastily returned the gesture. She obviously wasn't aware that I was a civilian, but I was sure the blue uniform may have confused her.
I exited the room with only 3 minutes to spare before my scheduled departure, so I ran to the lift to get to the transporter room to see Scotty, Jim, and Sulu waiting nervously by the console. Sulu was the first to shake my hand and wish me luck.
Jim stepped forward with his cocky smile and said, "Promise me that you will go out to a bar and get piss drunk at least once. You can't ignore tradition at the Academy. Promise?" He asked raising an eyebrow. I nodded and he slapped me hard on the shoulder.
Scotty still looked like death warmed over, but he smiled weakly and said, "I'm gonna miss ya' lass. Do us proud."
Sulu handed me a package with Russian writing on it. "Chekov said he was sorry he couldn't be here to say goodbye but he wishes you luck and asks if you wouldn't mind mailing that to his sister." I put the small package in my bag and he added, "Uhura said to watch out for the men, they are all pigs." He smiled because he was just the messenger.
I stepped up on the pad and watched them wave goodbye with brave faces until I could no longer see them.
