Disclaimer: I don't own HP
Life For Rent
Chapter 25
The staffroom was alive with the buzz of easy chatter among friends. Minerva McGonagall was talking with Hermione while Severus looked on. Minerva was in attendance to officially introduce Severus to the staff as the new Headmaster although most of them had already met with him. There were few changes to the staff, only Hermione replacing Slughorn and Severus. The Defense Against the Dark Arts professor, Robert Glitch, had been in the post since the year following the war. Minerva seemed to like him well enough although she said that he didn't have the same passion for the subject that Severus did. Severus didn't believe that anyone had the same passion for the subject as he did but he was still disappointed to hear that and planned to follow Glitch's curriculum carefully.
Hermione glanced over her shoulder at Severus and nodded to him, offering him a small smile. Severus nodded in return and continued to watch her as she turned back around. It had been two days since their argument in his office and neither of them had brought it up. Severus also hadn't mentioned what he saw at the memorial but he was beginning to think he should. He could sense that she wasn't angry with him anymore, just disappointed that her plans hadn't worked out. Of course, neither were the type to give the silent treatment but she was quieter than usual the last couple of days and in true Severus fashion, he'd made no move to open up to her or encourage her to open up to him. He hoped his announcements at the staff meeting would cheer her up and warm up some of the frostiness he felt coming from her.
After a few more moments of allowing the staff time to chat about their holidays Minerva stood up and called attention to the group.
"Good morning everyone!" Minerva called silencing the group as easily as if they were scared students. Minerva smiled inwardly; she hadn't lost her touch after all those years. "I do hope that all of you had a wonderful holiday but the new term is upon us and as you all know, there are some changes this year."
Minerva gestured at Hermione and Severus. "I am pleased and honored to finally be able to pass the castle over to my successor, Severus Snape." There was a polite smattering of applause as Severus stood up and bowed slightly in recognition. "And I am also pleased to announce Professor Hermione Snape who will take over the post of Potions Master. The Snapes also have their lovely daughter Caris here in the castle with them so if you have not already please drop in and see her. She is perhaps our loveliest addition to the castle this year."
Minerva talked for a little while more before finally giving the floor to Severus. He waited patiently as most of the teachers wiped tears away after McGonagall's goodbyes as a Headmaster.
"Thank you Minerva for those warm words of welcome." Severus said nodding in her direction. Usually at staff meetings Severus would be hidden away in a corner of the room away from the group. It was highly disconcerting to be the center of attention but nobody was look at him with outright disdain like he expected. They were all waiting patiently for him to continue. He was not so changed that he would be willing to give some form of acceptance speech so he decided to get right down to business.
"In addition to our new staffing arrangement there will be a new scheduling procedure at this school. It is of the opinion of several staff members," Severus restrained himself from looking directly at Hermione, "and I that we take proactive measures in order to increase inter-house unity. There will be two balls this year and you will each receive a new class schedule reflecting more changes. There will still be double lessons but instead of teaching all the students of two houses each class will be divided equally among all four houses. For example you will still teach two sessions of third year potions but instead of Slytherins with Gryffindors, and Ravenclaws with Hufflepuffs, they will all be mixed. Finally, a change that I would like to implement is an inter-house Quidditch league. Madame Hooch and heads of houses I would like to a schedule a meeting to discuss that possibility."
Severus stopped speaking and finally chanced a glance at Hermione. She looked just as surprised as the others at his suggestions about inter-house unity. He wondered if she was surprised about the Quidditch or all of it. It was actually Dumbledore who suggested the Quidditch team but Severus enjoyed Quidditch so was easily persuaded. He hoped Hermione didn't honestly believe that he wasn't going to take her and Flitwick's scheduling ideas seriously. Retrospectively however, he could see how Hermione would have that impression. Severus wrapped up the meeting by handing out their new teaching assignments and wishing everyone luck with the new year. Once it was over he approached Hermione.
"Hello Hermione." Severus whispered as if he hadn't seen her yet that day. His voice was low and seductive and she felt a shiver run down her spine.
"Severus." She replied.
Severus placed a hand on her back and steered her out of the staffroom. As soon as they were in the hallway he took her hand. Hermione looked up at him and smiled. She never really envisioned as willing to hold her hand inside of the school.
"What?" He asked.
Hermione swung their joined hands forward a little and then brought them back to rest between them. "I guess I am just surprised that you wanted to hold my hand."
"I always want to hold your hand, or just you. But something tells me this isn't the only surprise you've had this morning." Severus led her outside the front doors of the castle. "The weather is nice and we need to talk. Let's take a walk."
Severus led Hermione to a secluded section of the lake close to the Forbidden Forest. It was actually a spot that he had evicted many cavorting students from in the past and knew that with a few well selected charms they would not be disturbed or even seen. The talk he was about to have with his wife could take awhile and he did not want to be disturbed.
"We probably shouldn't stay away from Caris long if we don't have to." Hermione commented as she watched Severus cast a couple of privacy charms and conjure a bench with cushioned seats.
"I have already spoken to Winky. Caris will be fine. Hermione we have been incredibly busy since the wedding and even more so since our daughter was born. I want to spend some time alone with you." Severus reached for both of Hermione's hands and leaned down to give her a soft kiss. "Is that alright?"
Hermione just nodded and sat down on the bench. Severus sat beside her and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. Hermione leaned her head on his shoulder and breathed in his familiar scent. She sighed contentedly. The last few days had been trying and stressful for her and it felt good to relax in his arms.
"I saw that you were surprised at my announcements during the meeting." Severus stated.
"I was. You never told me Dumbledore mentioned a new Quidditch team."
"Tell me Hermione, was that the only thing that surprised you?" Severus asked.
Hermione pulled herself out of his arms and turned sideways on the bench so she could face him. "No Severus. I was surprised about the schedules. I really believed that you were not going to use my ideas. What made you change your mind?"
"Nothing made me change my mind. Well that's not completely true, but the last time we talked about it I really hadn't made a decision yet." Severus took her hand in his and traced the lines on her palm with his thumb.
"What was it that made you decide to use the new schedule then? If you weren't completely against it before that is." Hermione asked.
"You did."
Hermione looked at him confused. She had completely dropped the topic altogether. Maybe she was right and the way to get Severus Snape to give you what you want is to leave him alone. But that didn't feel right and Hermione knew that Severus didn't expect her to change her squeaky wheel ways for him.
"How?"
"I saw you by the memorial our first night here and then a couple of days ago. You were so upset and it hurt my heart to see you that way. I imagine there are thousands of reasons that memorial made you cry but when I looked at it myself and saw how many of the dead were Gryffindors, it really hit me that those deaths could have been avoided if the houses were closer."
Hermione pulled her hand away from Severus scowling. "You saw me there and you said nothing? And how do you think those deaths could have been avoided?"
"Don't take this the wrong way Hermione, but Gryffindors are rash sometimes. They rush straight into danger and, of course, it is the house of the famous Harry Potter and Albus Dumbledore so naturally many of them wanted to fight in the war. But, if those Gryffindors were influenced by members of other houses, like Ravenclaw logic and Slytherin cunning, fewer Gryffindors may have died because they would not have rushed headlong into danger like that." Severus put one long finger up to Hermione's lips to silence the retort he could see building in her eyes. "And, maybe there would have been more people from other houses willing to fight in the war as well. I am not trying to insult the nature of the Gryffindors although I realize you may see it that way, I am just trying to point out that I agree that the traits of each house are better, erm, shared for a lack of better words."
Hermione sat in stunned silence for a moment. The fact that most of the names belonged to Gryffindors was not her motivation for wanting more inter-house unity but now that he pointed out it gave her something else to think about. Of course she knew it was mostly Gryffindors but she didn't share his belief that they 'rushed headlong' into danger. Thinking back on Ron and Harry's behavior over the years though, she would have to be inclined to agree on some levels. Dumbledore had wanted Hermione on the Horcrux hunt because he was hoping she would slow them down.
Severus watched Hermione's face carefully fighting his natural inclination to use Occulmancy. Finally she nodded her head slowly twice and then spoke thoughtfully as if she was carefully measuring her words. "That is all well and good Severus, but why didn't you come to me when you saw me crying?"
"Why didn't you come to me?" Severus demanded. "I thought we had reached the point where we could trust each other with those kinds of feelings. I understand that for both of us pain is private but I trust you with my feelings. I have never trusted anyone with my feelings. I don't even like the word feelings and here I've said it three times already. If you are hurting that much because of the war I want to be there for you. I didn't go to you because I hoped you would come to me but you didn't. I won't know what it was like for you unless you tell me."
"You won't tell me what it was like for you. You have actually seen the memory of one of the worst days for me during the war and I don't even know what the worst part was for you."
"What do you think the worst part of the war was for me, Hermione?" Severus asked in a dangerously low voice.
"I don't know. Spying? Lying to everyone?" Hermione said indignantly. "How am I supposed to know you don't talk about it?"
"Think about it Hermione. What about those names on the memorial is significant? How did they all die, Hermione?" Severus was about to break down the dam holding back an ocean of regret and pain. He hoped Hermione was ready for it.
"They were ki-," Hermione stopped herself and looked down at her lap, understanding where Severus was going with his line of questioning. "They were murdered."
"Exactly." Severus turned his face away from Hermione and stared straight in front of him. He clenched his fists tightly on his lap until his knuckles shone white. "I killed people Hermione. And not just any people, the people I loved. I told of the prophecy that put Lily and James at Voldemort's mercy and Albus, my own personal savior and mentor, I killed him with my own hand."
"You didn't know it was Lily and James when you told of the prophecy. You were just a kid."
"Harry was just a kid." Severus snapped.
Hermione shrunk away from him. It appeared that Severus was about to tell her some of his secrets. She imagined she knew some of the things he was going to say because she'd heard about it from the memories Harry saw, but it was different hearing it from him. But she was frightened of how he was going to act afterwards. He seemed really angry and she couldn't help but feel like it was directed toward her.
"I know Severus. But I still maintain that there was nothing you could have done. You went to Dumbledore for help, what else could you have done?"
"I wish I could have died in their place."
"It would have served no purpose."
"And Lily's death did? What purpose did that serve? Can you tell me that? Was the life of married woman with a young child worth less than mine? Did I have a stronger purpose?" Severus stood and began pacing. "I loved her! Even though she hadn't talked to me in years. She chose James over me and I still loved her and I valued her life even if it wasn't one she was going to share with me. And then as soon as I thought I could move on from that her son shows up and I had to look into her eyes on his face and be reminded that he was standing in front of me because she wasn't. I couldn't stop regretting Lily when I saw her nearly everyday for six years. Of course I made comments and focused on the traits Harry possessed that resembled his father, but the truth was I hated him because he reminded me of Lily not James!"
Hermione continued to watch her husband pace with wide-eyed fascination. She sensed tears falling down her cheeks but only a residual level. Her body was paralyzed with the intensity of Severus' mood and she was afraid the tiniest motion would remind him that she was there listening and he would stop talking.
"My role in Lily and James' deaths, as terrible as it was, didn't even compare to how it was for me to kill Albus. I know he was sick from the cursed ring but that was supposed to be Draco's job. Albus said Draco's soul was still pure. What about my soul? What about my soul, Albus?" Severus shouted across the lake toward the white tomb where the Headmaster's body laid. "You never did answer that question! I have a child now and what am I supposed to tell her when she hears what I did? What about my soul?"
Severus fell to his knees and buried his face in his hands. Hermione's ears were still ringing with his words as they echoed around her otherwise empty skull. She acknowledged his body racking with sobs but the sound was lost on her. Throwing caution to the wind Hermione moved to the ground and wrapped her arms around her husband. At first he stiffened as if to pull away but instead he wrapped his arms around her and buried his head against her stomach. She could feel his tears wetting her robes and her tears wetting his hair as she buried her face in it.
Time was indefinable for Severus. He didn't know if he spent five minutes or five hours weeping into the robes of his wife. The only thing he knew was that he felt more relieved than he ever thought possible even if he was slightly embarrassed. Severus dragged a hand down his face to wipe away the extra moisture as he pulled away from Hermione. He turned away from her and sat with his back leaning on the bench. Hermione remained where she was but she watched him uncertainly. This was the point in the conversation she was afraid of. She couldn't shake the feeling that he was going to dismiss her for witnessing him break down and figured that if she was going to say anything she'd better spit it out before he sent her away or walked away himself.
"I'm not going anywhere, Hermione. And neither are you." Severus said shocking Hermione out of her thoughts. She frowned at him but interrupted her response. "I don't need Occulmancy I can see it in your eyes."
"Good. But you know I can't just let this go without saying something about all of it."
"I wasn't expecting you to."
"Then you need to know that what you didn't taint your soul. And as far as what will we tell Caris? The truth I hope. What you did was honorable as hard as it is to live with. Dumbledore said we have to choose between what is right and what is easy. He can't possibly begrudge you for following his own advice."
"It is difficult."
"I do have one question about it, if you are willing to answer. Harry said that before you performed the curse, Dumbledore was looking at you like he was begging for something and you were looking at him like you hated him. Why?"
Severus pulled at a string on the cuff of his sleeve. He was fidgeting and the abnormality of it wasn't lost on either of them.
"You don't have to answer."
"No, I will. We were using Occulmancy to communicate then. He was begging me to move and enjoy my life and to help Harry and Draco, whilst simultaneously begging me to end his pain and misery. I was looking at him like I hated him because I had to perform the curse. I couldn't kill him thinking about how he'd helped me and taught me. He knew all that of course because he was using his last bit of energy to read my mind and when he realized that my anger toward him wasn't enough to successfully perform the curse he told me the one thing that he knew would hurt me more than anything and it worked."
Hermione bit her lip to keep from saying 'what did he say?'
"He told me the day that he asked me to kill him that he would do whatever it took to make sure I fulfilled the wizard's oath I took. I was under oath to help Draco and kill Albus and failure to do either would have resulted in my own death. Albus told me that if I hesitated he would tell me whatever it took to give me enough anger to perform the curse but he promised me he wouldn't mean it and I shouldn't remember his last words as the ones that were true. But he told me that I wasn't worth it, that I wouldn't ever be good enough for anyone. Only then I was able to think about all the times he manipulated me and Potter and everyone else in the Order. Even you, through that stupid book of children's tales he manipulated. He groomed Potter to die for his cause. Nobody asked Potter what he wanted to fight for it was just handed to him because the great Albus Dumbledore said it was to be that way. Prophecies don't have to come true. Did you know that? The future is impossible to predict."
Hermione nodded her agreement at his last statement but kept quiet.
"The last thought he sent my way occurred in that split second between the curse leaving my wand and hitting his body. He told me quite simply 'go live now.' He validated and denied the one thing that was plaguing me. He validated that my life wasn't worth it; that I wasn't worth Lily or all the years he spent training me but that was just to make me angry enough to kill him. He took it back when he told me to go live. I have been trying."
Severus turned his head toward the tomb again. "Merlin knows, Albus, I am trying."
Hermione stood up from her spot and stretched her legs before sitting back down on the bench.
"Sit with me please." She said reaching for him. Severus pulled himself up and stretched as well. He sat on the bench and pulled Hermione close to him.
"I'm sorry I am such a hard person to be with. I was angry that you didn't tell me about what you did to your parents when you sent them to Australia, and then I was angry again when you didn't tell me what happened at the Malfoy's, and damn it all if I wasn't angry again when you cried at the obelisk. I keep expecting you to trust me with how you feel when I haven't shared anything with you. I sincerely hope you can forgive me that double standard. I do not want you to think I am a hypocrite."
"I don't. I have been tired and difficult too. It is draining taking care of a new baby and preparing for term at the same time. I didn't bring up the schedules again because I didn't want to fight and if I brought it up I would have fought for them. I wish you had told me that you were going to use them. I wasn't angry with you but I wanted to be and that would have made things a lot easier. And I cried at the memorial because I could. I was already feeling like a good cry would be cathartic and the memorial just triggered it. I was okay alone but it would have been nice for you to let me know you saw and cared." Hermione said.
Severus leaned over and kissed her soundly. "I love you, Hermione and I know I don't say it enough. You mean more to me than you will ever know and I hope you can forgive me."
"There is nothing to forgive. I love you too, Severus and if these wards are strong enough I would like to show you how much before we go back." Hermione purred while stroking her hand up his thigh. Now that Severus' emotions were under control she wanted to completely change the mood and enjoy the precious moments she had alone with her husband. Apparently Severus agreed because he pushed Hermione down and was quickly laying on top of her kissing her neck running his hands up and down her body.
"Oh, they're strong enough."
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A/N: so another super emotional chapter. In the beginning I wasn't really planning on having any that stuff in here but now its out and what's done is done. I realise that in the beginning of the chapter it was partly about Hermione's feelings about the war and then it shifted into solely Severus' issues and Hermione's were pretty much forgotten. It doesn't mean she is going to forget it completely and not bring it up, her plan is to start saying what she's feeling in the moment to just get it out so every revelation does not turn into a big drama fest. That's why she didn't talk more about crying at the memorial.
Next couple of chapters will have students so they should be a lot lighter in tone. Thanks for reading. Please review and let me know what you think and I hope everyone gets a chance to see HP6 if you are not boycotting WB that is.
