Chapter 37- What Could Have Been
It felt wonderful to be in my own bed again. It felt even better to have someone to share it with. McCoy came back an hour or so after Jim left looking tired. He sat on the side of the bed with a mild scowl and set to work scanning and poking at me, and I let him because I figured the best path was that of no resistance. The sooner he could see for himself that I wasn't dying or had done something stupid like fence with Sulu straight away, the sooner he could stop obsessing and finally relax. Of course I knew it was asking the impossible, but one could always hope.
He sighed as he stood up and rubbed his face to ward off the fatigue that was finally catching up to him. "Inflammation is finally going down." He reported with a squint. "But that doesn't mean you can go doing cartwheels down the hall or anything. I want you to stay in bed for at least another day. That dose of pain meds I gave you won't wear off for another two hours. I will be back to give you another."
I didn't want to tell him that the first shot didn't really do anything that I could tell because it seemed to make him feel better to think that he was in total control of everything. I reached my hand out to him and smiled. "Why don't you just stay here? If you go back to your quarters I know you won't sleep and it looks like you desperately need it."
He put his hands on his hips and tried to frown menacingly, but he just couldn't pull it off. "Are those your orders, Doctor?" He ended up smiling.
"Yes." I stated emphatically. "Think of it as keeping a close eye on your patient- with them closed, of course."
He shook his head and replied, "I don't do this for all my patients, you know. As a rule I don't go climbing into bed with Jim every time he gets into a scrape and I sure as hell am not going to hop in with Chekov."
"Then I consider myself lucky." I laughed. "And it really makes you sound like some kind of medical man-whore. Did you ever think about charging for your services?"
"Only if they pay me in bourbon." He chuckled getting pajamas from the replicator. "But I don't think there would be much business for me. No one wants a pissed off doctor in their bed."
"I do." I shrugged.
He smiled broadly and turned to head for the bathroom. "Then you are in serious need of a psych eval. Really, Collins, I never pictured you as a masochist."
The shower came to life and I dimmed the lights and lie there, listening to the splashing sound until I drifted off to sleep. If I laid on my side with my knees drawn up slightly, I didn't really notice the pain. I woke and smiled when I felt him carefully sidle up close to me from behind and the fresh spicy scent swirled on warm currents around me. He placed his hand on my hip and I could feel the tingling sensation of his breath across my neck when he exhaled. I picked up his hand and drew it to my lips where I kissed his palm and fingers. It seemed only right to show love to the very hands that saved me.
He chuckled in my ear and whispered dreamily, "What was that for?"
"I thought you were dead." I answered miserably. "And I am glad you aren't." I didn't know why it came out, but it was like a dark cloud sitting over me. "I can't tell you what that felt like to think that Saren had murdered you right in front of me. To think that you were gone forever…"
He pulled me closer still to him and said, "But I'm not. I'm right here." His voice lowered and he hesitantly admitted, "I thought I was going to lose you too. I didn't think you would survive the blood loss and I knew it was all my fault."
I ran my finger along the back of his hand and asked, "What do you mean? You didn't know what he was going to do."
He shifted uncomfortably and replied, "I did because he told me what he was going to do to you. Goddamn it, I held out as long as I could, but I gave you up when I couldn't stand it anymore. He knew as soon as Jim answered the call that it was all over for him. He knew he was going down, he just wanted to take you with him. He never planned on going anywhere with you, he wanted to kill you in front of the crew as a last act of revenge and because I told him you were now an enlisted officer, you became that much more valuable to his plan. I'm sorry." His voice was full of pain and regret.
I twisted painfully to face him. "It's ok." I reassured him. "Anyone would crack under the pain. I did. I told them things about the ship that I didn't want to. I know you tried to resist and so did I, but in the end all the willpower in the world couldn't possibly be enough." I smiled faintly and ran my hand along the side of his face, feeling the rough stubble scrape my skin. "I don't blame you at all for what happened. Without you, I would have died."
His eyes fell slightly and he said, "You were just lucky." I gave him a wary grin because that was what he said the first time he worked a miracle by defrosting me. "Every time you put yourself in danger, it always felt like a knife in my heart. But this time…" he faltered, "watching you…"
"I know," I whispered squeezing his hand lightly, "that is exactly what I felt watching you. The guilt has been crushing and at the time I felt like screaming. I would have given anything to change it, to stop it from happening, but all I could do was stand there and watch and feel as though my guts were being torn out."
His olive eyes rested on mine and he smirked. "I didn't know you felt that way then. How long have you known?"
"Quite awhile." I laughed somewhat embarrassed. "So all of those visits weren't exactly business."
He scoffed and rolled his eyes. "Well I didn't exactly ask you to leave, did I?"
"Which means you knew?" I asked suspiciously.
"When I saw you I fell in love, and you smiled because you knew- Romeo and Juliet"
"So unfair." I mumbled, "You know what Shakespeare does to me. That reminds me, Jim was here earlier and he said Spock told you that on purpose. Did you know the whole bridge crew was in on trying to get us together?"
He chuckled and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "I should be pissed, but hell, how long did we dance around each other? It was probably frustrating the hell out of them. I can almost guarantee you that Jim was behind that- for a guy who has a string of failed relationships longer than the tail of Haley's comet, he sure loves to play matchmaker. And if he knows, it means the entire ship knows and Spock will have an even more smug look on his damn face when I see him, if that is somehow possible."
"Yeah, well I will be having a conversation with Mr. Spock about his role in all of this." I groused. "He was supposed to be my friend."
"He is? I didn't think that hobgoblin had it in him to form friendships. I thought he would find it illogical and all that bullshit." He grumbled. "Christ, you nearly have to drag him by a pointed ear to social functions."
"He is definitely not the guy that will have a lampshade on his head by the end of the night," I admitted, "but get him by himself and he is surprisingly engaging."
"I'll just take your word for it." He yawned. "Being alone with that green blooded bastard for any amount of time sounds like the 7th circle of hell to me. All the proper speech like he has a corn cob shoved up his ass drives me up a damn wall. He takes everything so literally it is maddening."
I laughed so hard it hurt. "You know he does that just to get your goat, right? He gets it. He understands metaphors and figures of speech, he just likes pointing out the irony of human speech because it is funny." I let my mind wander for a moment before adding, "He would have so many problems if the roles were reversed and it was he that was thrown back to my time. God, I couldn't imagine how he would survive."
"Really?" McCoy asked perking up. "Why?"
"Where to start?" I mused. "I guess he could find work as a computer programmer for Microsoft if he was locked in a back room somewhere. Nerds probably wouldn't find him so strange aside from his ears. Maybe he could just wear a Yankees baseball hat to cover them. He certainly would be the first to put out a version of Windows that actually worked."
"So who would have the best chance?" He asked thoughtfully. "Who on this ship could go back to your time and go unnoticed?"
I thought about it for a minute before answering, "Going back is always easier than going forward since they would have the advantage of knowing history and advanced technology. If they could 'invent' one of the technologies, they could become a millionaire overnight. I think of everyone, Pavel would have the best chance. He is still young enough to get into an Ivy League school and with his math abilities, he could work just about anywhere and master any of the sciences. My second choice would probably be Scotty based on pure aptitude. He could get by working as a mechanic if not an engineer. Uhura could do well as a translator, but everyone else might have trouble."
"Even me?" He asked incredulously. "I'm a doctor! People will always be sick!"
"Yes, but you couldn't practice. You would have to go through medical school again because medicine is very different and you certainly couldn't be a surgeon. No tools, lasers, or gadgets- it is all done by hand." I reminded him. "Just like you see on M*A*S*H."
"Twice was enough for me." He grumbled. "But tell me Jim wouldn't make it. The man is like a cockroach- he survives everything."
"The problem is, he has no marketable skills and in my economy, you have to have a job to buy what you need. There are no replicators to give you what you want. Looking past the problem of him always getting hurt- because healthcare in my time would probably not be adequate to keep rescuing him- I could see him making a living on the black market as a con man. With his wits he could be a successful pickpocket or he could hook up with the rest of you to take down a casino Ocean's 11 style. Make one big score, invest most of the take wisely, and you could be set."
"What about Sulu? Couldn't he still be a pilot?" He inquired with another yawn.
"If he went into the military again. And let me tell you, the military is not Starfleet- it is not a peacekeeping organization. The sole purpose is to kill people. Even if he could live with that, which I doubt, I would think that for him being a fighter pilot would be the difference between steering the Titanic and playing with a toy boat in the bathtub. It just wouldn't be the same. Even if he flew our fastest jet, the F-15 at the top speed of mach 2.5, it still wouldn't compare to the Enterprise. But what would be the worst for you all is being grounded with no way of ever going into space again."
"I wouldn't mind." He mumbled sleepily.
"Ok, except you. But wouldn't it bother you just a little to just know what was out there, but never see it again or even speak of it? Remember, people in my time think they are the only life in the universe. I know I couldn't. That was why I told Jim that I didn't want to go back even if I could. I wouldn't trade any of it for a second."
"Never?" He asked draping his arms around me. "That's a long time."
"Never." I reiterated. "Not the Romulans, the Klingons, the Academy, none of it."
He smiled faintly, but his eyes drifted shut and he was fast asleep. The muscles in his face relaxed, easing the lines of tension and worry and left behind a smooth mask that made him look much younger. I smiled when his arms twitched slightly as he drifted deeper into sleep and I wondered what he saw when he closed his eyes.
