Sex addiction has nothing to do with sex. Any sexual act or apparent perversion has no meaning outside of its psychological, unconscious context.
Sex addiction has been called the athlete's foot of the mind: It is an itch always waiting to be scratched. The scratching, however, causes wounds and never alleviates the itch. The majority of sexual compulsive lives in isolation, filled with feelings of shame; relationships are ruined, freedom of self is impaired, hobbies and activities once enjoyed are dropped, and energies are consumed. The life of a sex addict gradually becomes very small.
Sex, for an addict, begins to be the primary value and a confirmation of sense of self. Feelings of inferiority, inadequacy, and worthlessness magically disappear while sexually preoccupied. However, the use of sex to meet self-centered needs for approval or affection precludes using it to meet the intimacy needs of a cherished other. This narcissism prevents addicts from deriving satisfaction from mutual, reciprocal relationships in real life. Sexualizing is used as a magical elixir to meet needs without having to negotiate the ups and downs of intimate relationships.
After addicts have gotten to the root cause of their addiction and understand the manner in which sex affects their lives and others, they can begin to engage in a healthy sex life.
For anyone struggling with sex addiction, a period of abstinence is essential. By continuing to engage in sexual behaviors, sex addicts aren't allowed the opportunity to break the addictive cycle.
Some contemporary psychoanalysts use the concept of a vertical split in treating sex addicts. The split exists from inadequate upbringing, which results in structural deficits in the personality. Treatment bridges the gap of the split. Its aim is the establishment of a therapeutic relationship that regulates emotional states.
The patient achieves some ability to self-regulate moods, and to seek out adequate and sustaining available supportive relationships both in and out of treatment. The patient is then free to put sexuality in its proper place and free up energies to gain satisfaction from real relationships, pursue creative or intellectual goals, obtain pleasure from hobbies and activities, and have a heightened sense of self-esteem, thus ending isolation. And is then free to love, to have deeply satisfying self-affirming sex, and experience being a valued member of the human community.
Treatment focus on two main issues; the first is the logistical concerns of separating the addict from people that trigger compulsive sexual behavior in the same way drug addicts need to be separated from drugs.
Accomplishing this might require inpatient or residential treatment for several weeks. It's simply harder to relapse in a structured and tightly controlled setting.
The second and most difficult issue involves facing the guilt, shame and depression associated with this illness. It takes trust and time with a competent therapist to work through these emotions.
If you are very depressed, the best treatment might be an inpatient residential setting where professionals can monitor and properly manage your symptoms. (Summary of findings.)
The doctor left the room with Olivia still in Fitz's arms. She relaxed and took in his scent. She got turned on, but felt something totally different, something she has never felt before. For once she wasn't just thinking about the act of just sex with Fitz. She felt safe, she felt protected, and could she dare to say loved. She didn't know what love felt like. She wondered what it'd be like if they made love. She had never made love before, and she was very aware of that. She knew her sexing around didn't equate love. Wouldn't it be amazing if he really loves me? Olivia thought. Who am I kidding, no one loves me. Despite having had many sexual partners, Olivia knew none of those guys cared about her, and she was utterly and completely alone. She knew this affection from Fitz boil down to pity. Even though she felt love in Fitz's arms, she knew Fitz could never love her. She was certain how unlovable she was.
Fitz pulled back and looked at her. Olivia saw him staring at her lips. He was going to kiss her. She hated being kissed. Kissing was just too intimate for her, but she desperately wanted him to do it. She wanted to feel something, anything instead of the numb feeling she had. But they both pulled away quickly from each other, due to Abby walking in.
Abby rushed to Olivia and hugged her. "Oh my God, I had a dream you were up. And you are. Are you OK?"
Olivia was in Abby's embrace, but she and Fitz were staring at each other. Fitz smiled at her and decided to leave the room to give them some space.
Fitz called Cyrus' husband, knowing he was the best therapist out there. And Olivia deserved nothing but the best in his book. He licked his lips and smiled again after he thought of almost tasting Olivia's lips.
"Abby, the best solution for her right now would be an inpatient residential treatment, where she can be supervised properly. The Beene center where I work has the best professional residential setting. This will take care of her self-harming and her addiction."
"The Beene center? I went through your inpatient residential site before I came to see you about her, you guys are ridiculously expensive." Abby said to Fitz.
"I can take care of that. The problem here is for her to accept it. I can't relay this to her. You are the best person to do this."
"What if she just wants to die?" Abby sadly asked Fitz.
"Most people who commit suicide don't really want to die. They just want to stop hurting." Fitz replied.
"Why don't you tell her yourself? I am done trying to impose things on her. If I can't love her the way she is, then I'm not a true friend."
"She needs help immediately, Abby. You probably know her better than anyone. I've called Cyrus' husband already, he's on his way here. He's one of the best psychiatrists we have at the center and in the country. Just talk to her to accept his help."
Abby and Fitz were outside Olivia's hospital room talking about her. They had no clue Olivia was listening to their conversation. She walked out of her room so they could see her.
"I promise I'll go to rehab or the residential treatment facility you mentioned Fitz, but I'd take care of that myself. Please you guys should stop worrying about me. Thanks for helping me Abby. I didn't mean to hurt myself."
"You said that the last time." Abby said before she could take it back. "Sorry." She added.
Olivia bowed down her head, ashamed. "I know." With her head still bowed, she continued. "Abby, I've put you through a lot. I really don't want to keep doing this. Can we just put some distance between us? Please, I don't desire to hurt you anymore."
"Olivia…" Fitz tried to tell her it was a bad idea, but Abby interrupted him.
With tears filled eyes, Abby asked for her pardon. "I'm sorry for what I articulated at the session the other day. I don't care if you're addicted to sex anymore. I promise I'm never going to judge you or force you to change again."
"Abby, please don't make this any harder than it already is. When I get better we would be friends again. I can't keep telling you I didn't mean what I did, then I have you spend God knows how many hours with me in the hospital."
Fitz felt like hugging Olivia just to take away her pain, but he had to restrain himself. "Olivia, isolating people out of your life is not good at this time."
"I'm not isolating her. I've put her through a lot."
They were still talking when Cyrus' husband arrived. "Olivia?" Cyrus' husband called in shock.
"Do you know her?" Fitz asked, surprised because he didn't mention Olivia's name to him.
Olivia tried to figure Cyrus' husband out, but he embraced her and said who he was. "Chao, can't you remember me?" Chao asked.
"Chao?" Olivia shifted away from him.
"Yes, I'm so excited to see you. I sought for you some years back, but couldn't get any trace of you." He paused and looked at Fitz. "Wait, is she the sex addict/self-harming lady I'm coming to see?"
Olivia looked at Fitz, a little hurt and ashamed he described her to Chao as self-harming. "Thanks for the help Fitz, but I don't need his service. You guys can all go. I can take care of myself now." She turned from them and gave her undivided attention to Abby. "Abby, I promise I'm going to get help. And I'm not doing it for you; this is going to be for me."
Fitz was a little confused why Olivia didn't want Chao's help. "Olivia, Chao is the best out there."
"Oh, I'm sure. I have no doubt about that." Olivia replied, walking to her room.
"Olivia." Chao called. "I'm sorry how our friendship ended. I've never stopped blaming myself for your lifestyle after we stopped being friends." Chao said.
Olivia chuckled angrily. "Chao, don't flatter yourself, my self-destruction didn't start because of you." Olivia spat out and exited for the washroom.
Fitz immediately wanted to go after her, but Abby stopped him, certain what Olivia was going there for. "Leave her alone, she needs some time on her own. I just hope there's nothing there she can use to hurt herself again." Abby said.
After Olivia left, Fitz and Abby were more interested to know where Chao and Olivia knew each other.
"We were good friends growing up until I got my first real crush obsession." Chao explained, disappointed in himself.
"Wait, you had a crush on her?" Fitz asked then paused before adding. "You're gay."
"I held a crush on one football player who liked her instead, but she spurned him." Chao explained.
"So? How did that affect her?" Abby asked confused.
"It's a long story. I was still in the closet back then. Olivia had no idea I was gay. I was mad Sam…"
"Sam is the football player?" Fitz interrupted.
"Yes, I was mad he asked her out when all I ever wanted was for him to know I existed. Long story short, since as Sam's pride was hurt from Olivia's rejection, I made him acknowledged me by making Olivia's life Hell. I told Sam Olivia's mom was cheating on her dad with numerous guys. We then spread the gossips to everyone at school. Sam and I became friends. Some weeks later Olivia's lifestyle changed completely."
"She never told me this." Abby said. "Let me go check on her." She added and left.
XXX
Abby went to the washroom and saw Olivia sitting in the corner on the floor. She could tell she has cried her eyes out.
"Hey you, Chao told us what he did to you. I'm sorry about that" Abby said to Olivia as she joined her on the floor.
Olivia sighed heavily. "He didn't do anything to me." She looked at Abby and the tears started pouring. "That would've been me, a successful psychiatrist or something you know. I was made a valedictorian over him, and now he has to examine my state of mind? How is that fair after he made my life a living Hell in high school?"
There was nothing Abby could say to her other than held her and let her cry.
"I don't want to see him. I'm a complete mess! I don't want to give him the gratification of my state of mind. Please tell him and Fitz to leave."
"Okay, I would do that. Get up from the floor OK?"
Olivia wiped her eyes and stood up. Abby left, told Fitz and Chao Olivia wanted them gone.
"But what did I do? I don't want to leave her alone." It came out of Fitz's mouth before he reasoned the seriousness of his statement.
Chao sighed, feeling frustrated Olivia didn't want him to amend what he did. "I really want to make things right with her. She was a really nice person. I don't know what she's going through, but I think she needs help now. Abby, right? Please try and convince her to see Cyrus since she doesn't want me."
After they left, Olivia asked the hospital if they could recommend any good inpatient residential facility. They told her the best inpatient residential facility out there was The Beene center. She told them anyone but that.
"If you really want to see some changes in you, I advise you to go to The Beene center. But the Overcomers facility is not bad too." The doctor taking care of Olivia said.
Fitz and Mellie were summoned in Jerry's school. They all got there with no clue why.
"Hello Mellie."
"Hi Fitz, how are you doing?" Mellie asked Fitz.
Fitz thought whether he should tell her he relapsed not long ago, but knew how disappointed Mellie was going to be. He decided to let it be. "I'm good." Fitz answered.
"I know today is not your visiting day, but I'm inviting you for dinner this evening with the Kids and Andrew." Mellie rushed through her words.
"Hope there's no problem?"
"I don't know if you'd consider it a problem. Just stop by this evening, please."
"Okay, do you have any idea why we're here? What has Jerry done this time?" Fitz asked.
"I have no idea. But he's getting out of hands." Mellie answered.
Fitz and Mellie walked into Jerry's principal office. Mellie went straight to the point. "How many times are you going to summon us? Why are we paying you guys if you people can't handle a 16 year old?"
"We called you here because we're expelling Jerry from this school." The principal welcomed them with that.
"What did he do?" Mellie and Fitz asked together.
"He was caught having sex with two girls in the locker room. We can't tolerate this behavior. This calls for immediate dismissal."
Fitz covered his face from embarrassment.
"What?" Mellie asked.
"Yes, and we found out this has been going on for a while with many other girls. We can't have him in this school any longer." The principal said.
Mellie wasn't having it. She shouted at the principal. "How could you allow a 16 year old to have sex under your watch? This is on you not us."
"Mellie!" Fitz called out.
"Don't you dare Mellie me. This is your entire fault." Mellie said to Fitz then turned to the principal. "Are you expelling the other girls too?"
"No." The principal replied.
"Let me get this straight. Did he force them to have sex with him? Did he rape them?"
The principal started stuttering.
"Oh, now you can't talk? After all the donations we've made to this school this is how you want to repay us. I'm going to sue your asses." Mellie said and stormed out.
Fitz was more than depressed his little boy was going through his path. And Mellie couldn't stress the point any more than she already has. "I guess like father, like son is perfect here." Mellie said after Fitz joined her outside.
"Mellie, I've made mistakes, I'm working on it. I'm going to give Jerry the help he needs."
"Like what you've committed yourself to?"
"Mellie."
"Sorry." Mellie added. "You have to take him. He should live with you. I have no knowledge how to deal with him. We can share them. You take Jerry and I have Karen."
"I'd be felicitous to have Jerry, but do you believe this is the best approach?"
"I have no idea Fitz."
Two days later, Olivia sent in her resignation letter through Abby, to Jake. She was determined to work on herself. She booked into the Overcomers center. She signed in as someone who was suicidal.
She was in class with many others waiting for their first session when a hot looking psychiatrist by the name of Shaw walked in to give a lecture for the first-timers. Olivia had to tell herself to concentrate on getting better and not to be distracted by a sexy psychiatrist. Needless to say she got distracted nevertheless. I think to be hot and sexy is one of the requirements to be in this business. Look at Fitz and this one. But Shaw is lacking something. What could it be? Olivia's brain was having a session of its own. He's not Fitz. Her brain answered the question. Olivia, please try and concentrate. Stick with his every sentence. Focus.
Shaw began his speech. "A suicidal person may not ask for help, but that doesn't mean that help isn't wanted. Suicide prevention starts with recognizing the warning signs and taking them seriously."
What else is new? Olivia's brain.
"Self-harm can be a way of coping with problems. It may help you express feelings you can't put into words, distract you from your life, or release emotional pain."
The only thing is the release doesn't last very long. In fact, it's over after the act. Olivia's brain continued.
"You are not alone in this. You should know this. You may not believe it now, but the way you're feeling will change."
I don't think he believes that himself. I do hope a day would come when I don't feel like this though. But I know that's never going to happen.
"You being here means you've identify there's a problem. We'll begin by telling everyone how many times you've physically tried to hurt yourself?"
Okay, now I don't like this. I don't feel comfortable about this at all.
Olivia thought she was damaged good until she learned the tales of many others who had all passed through something more devastating than she had. Many didn't have a specify number of times they've tried to physically hurt themselves, due to the fact that it was like a normal practice for them.
It was Olivia's turn to speak, but she was still. Shaw walked up to her and smiled at her. "You're safe here. You can tell us. How many times have you physically tried to hurt yourself?"
"Not much." Olivia bowed down her head.
"This means you can give us a number." He paused. "Hello" Shaw tried to call her back to the present.
Olivia was still quiet. Portion of her hair was covering one side of her face. Shaw bent down to her level, and smoothed her hair to the back of her ear, then carried Olivia's chin up for her to look at him. "How many times have you tried to commit suicide?" Shaw asked, with concern written all over his face.
Olivia looked away from him and whispered. "Three days ago made it five."
"Let me see your hands." Shaw gentle requested.
Olivia hesitated at first, then she extended her hands forward for his checkup. Dr. Shaw looked through it and paused at her most recent fresh cut. He touched it softly and brushed over it with his thumb. "I see just this old scar and this fresh cut. What other method did you use?" He asked Olivia.
Olivia was quiet once again. She has never talked about her past suicide attempts before. Everyone was waiting for an answer from her. She bowed down her head and a tear dropped from her eye. Dr. Shaw gently wiped it away with his thumb. "Voicing out your struggle is part of the healing process." He smiled softly again. "But if you need more time….."
Olivia rushed through her words. "I tried to drown myself at 16. My first cut, this scar…." Olivia pointed at an old scar. "…. at 18. I deliberately took an overdose of cocaine in my last year in college. An overdose of some pills two years ago, then this cut, three days ago." Olivia waited for him to say something, but he stood up and ended the class.
"That would be all for today. The center is going to assign a psychiatrist to each patient. They're going to visit you in your homes and those of you in the inpatient residential setting you'd be visited in your rooms."
XXX
And just like faith would have it, Doctor Shaw was assigned to evaluate Olivia. He went to her room to start with his therapy session.
"Hello, Olivia"
"Hello." Olivia answered nervously.
"How are you doing?"
"Good I guess."
Shaw waited for Olivia to offer him a seat, but she just stood there, staring at him. "Won't you offer me a seat?" He asked.
Olivia noticed Shaw could tell how nervous she seemed. "Sorry, you can have a seat."
Shaw sat down and relaxed. He smiled at her to ease her nervousness. "I have a feeling being suicidal is not your only problem."
"What do you mean?" Olivia asked still standing.
"My profession is all about studying people. I saw the way you were looking at me during our morning session. Are you a sex addict?"
Olivia bowed down her head, ashamed. Shaw got up and walked to her. "There's nothing to be ashamed of." He lifted Olivia's chin up. "Sex addiction is an illness. No one should be ashamed of an illness."
"I am." Olivia whispered.
He studied Olivia for some time, then asked. "Do you actually desire to become better?"
Olivia's reaction was like duh, why am I here? "Yes. That's why I'm here." She answered instead.
Shaw smiled faintly at her. "I may get fired for this, but this is not the right place for you. I have a friend I'd like you to go to his setting instead. His name is Cyrus Beene. Believe me when I say you're going to come out with a better version of yourself and over a short period of time. "Shaw handed Olivia Cyrus' card.
"I know the place. I don't want to go there. There are some people there that I don't want them to see me like this."
"Olivia, if you truly desire to overcome your struggle, you'd have to put on your big boy pant and admit the shame or whatever feelings you don't require to feel proudly and honestly. That's the only way out."
"It's tough. I just want to die so everything could stop." Olivia sat down and covered her face.
Shaw kneeled down to her height. "Trust me, there's a beautiful light at the end of all this." He forced Olivia to look at him. He smiled to assure her everything would be fine.
"Please don't do that." Olivia voiced out.
"Do what?" He asked confused.
"You being nice like this and that smile is making me horny, and compelling me to bone you." It came out of nowhere.
Shaw smiled and took some steps away from her. "If after you're a better version of yourself and you still want to bone me, I'd be the happiest human being on earth." He gazed at her in amusement.
Olivia chuckled lightly, then looked at Cyrus' card. "I really don't want to go there."
"You have to get pass your fear and look at the bigger picture. I'll come and visit when I have time. I promise I won't act nice or smiles like this. How is that?" Shaw tried to conceal a grin.
Olivia couldn't help but smiled with him as well. "Thank you. I wouldn't have said no, had it been you wanted to…. you know."
"I know. Don't worry with time you'd be able to say no to anyone."
XXX
Fitz went for the dinner Mellie invited him to. Andrew and Fitz's kids were there too.
"Is this not a little weird for anyone?" Jerry asked.
"Jerry." Karen called out.
"What? I mean, we are having dinner like one big happy family when mom is screwing this one." Jerry pointed at Andrew. "We don't know who dad is screwing these days. Yet mom and dad are still married."
"Boy, you better shut up." Andrew shouted at Jerry.
"Don't you dare tell my son to shut up." Fitz to Andrew
"Oh, there's no doubt he is your son alright. He has been expelled from school because he wants to live up to his daddy's reputation."
Fitz stood up and told Mellie. "I can't do this."
"Yes, we all can't do this any longer. Tell him Mell." Andrew looked at Mellie.
"Fitz, I invited you here to sign the divorce papers." Mellie said.
"What?" Karen and Jerry asked together.
Mellie looked over at Jerry. "Yes, Jerry you'd go and live with your dad while Karen with me." She gave her attention to Fitz. "You wanted joint custody in case of a divorce, you have it. We all know you don't want to be with me anyway. And I don't want to be with you either."
Fitz knew Mellie has something up her sleeves. "Mellie, why now? Why are you necessitating for a divorce now? We blabbed about this some times back, but you said you'd get full custody of the kids in case of a divorce. Why are you giving up on that?"
"Because I'm tired of everything." Mellie answered
"Don't give me that crap." Fitz shouted at her.
"Grandpa gave her control of the company." Karen told her dad.
Mellie got up from the chair and started pacing. "I worked my ass off for that. Your father said if after two years you're not over this your sex counselor bullshit I would take over as long as we're married. He didn't say anything about not divorcing you after I have control."
Fitz laughed and thanked his lucky star. "Where are the divorce papers?"
Mellie gave it to him.
Fitz went through it and signed it. "Thank you Mellie. You shouldn't have waited two years to have control of the company. You should've told me you wanted the goddamn company. All I ever wanted was to have full access to my kids. I think the kids should be together. Karen should live with me too."
"No, I want to stay with mom." Karen told her dad.
"Good luck with that." Jerry teased.
"We are celebrating. He is a free man now. He's divorced." Cyrus said to Chao and handed him a drink as he joined him and Fitz in a bar.
"Wow, what about custody of your kids?" Chao asked.
"That was never her problem. We have joint custody now. But Jerry is with me. He's somehow happy about it."
"What about Karen?"
"Girls love to stick together." Fitz paused and sighed deeply. "In other news, Jerry has been expelled from school. He was caught in a threesome."
"What?" Cyrus and Chao shouted.
"Yeah, living up to his daddy's reputation I guess. Do you know what he told me?" Fitz shook his head before adding. "It wasn't his fault the girls wanted a taste of him." He ran his hand through his hair in frustration. "He needs help immediately. I've signed us both for a startup program at the center."
"You don't have to sign in. You're not an addict. The fact that you slept with those women doesn't make you one. That was just guilt for being turned on by Olivia." Cyrus said to Fitz
"Hello, I intentionally slept with those women?"
"You used the right word, 'intentionally.' That doesn't signify you're still an addict." Cyrus added.
Chao pointed at one bartender to Fitz. "Look at the hot bartender. She has been trying so hard for you to notice her since I stepped in here. Cyrus is gay, and he has checked her out twice, but she is invisible to you."
Cyrus poked his husband. "Hey, the fact that I'm gay doesn't mean I can't appreciate beautiful creatures."
Fitz looked at the bartender and she smiled sweetly at him. "She's okay." He took a sip of his drink.
"You see what we're saying. The addicted Fitz wouldn't have said she's just okay." Cyrus pointed out. "You are not an addict anymore."
Fitz wasn't moved. "I am. Olivia is still in my mind. You don't know how sick I am. I had a boner comforting her the other day in the hospital. I mean the girl was in deep shit, but I wanted to have her right there."
I know the chapter is a little dry. But we saw some progress or maybe not.
I always appreciate your thoughts and comments. Tell me something, anything.
